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Original poster

My 9 year-old son's just told me that his dad's anger upsets him so much that he wants to kill himself - I don't know how to handle the situation

90 replies

Jo0070 · 09/09/2022 23:12

My ex is my ex because he would verbally rage anger towards my children over absolutely nothing worth blowing about, he would never accept he had issues to fix, so I kicked him out - his anger was an absolute turn-off and I refused to let my children live like that. Ex was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger, so not sure if his rages are related. He loves his son, would die for him, so I've figured he's got deep rooted issues that he can't control.

Son stays with him twice a week.

I check in with my son every so often see if his dad's got angry. The last time I rang him up and said he needs to curb it because it's scaring son - but he denied it, said son was being too sensitive. So I made my son promise me every time daddy has a go he HAS to tell me.

He's not said anything for ages, then a few nights ago out of the blue he told me daddy gets really angry with him, scares him so much he wants to kill himself. He said the last time was three weeks ago and his daddy snatched his toy off him, threw it in the bin and then got angry with him. I asked him why had he not said anything sooner and he said because he knows I will tell his dad, and then his dad will get angry with him because that's what happened last time.

I've made a promise with my son that I won't tell his daddy unless son agrees I can, and son agreed he will tell me from now on every time it happens.

For now, we've got a code word that means 'come and get me', but that's not ideal as his dad would take his phone off him.

I feel I cant talk to dad because I'll lose the trust from my son.

If I did talk to dad he'll only deny

If I talk to school they'll phone social services - then that would break our relationship, which I want to keep for the sake of son.

If you read this far - thank you. Got any suggestions?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 09/09/2022 23:15

"If I talk to school they'll phone social services - then that would break our relationship, which I want to keep for the sake of son."

Well this hardly makes sense, given that he terrorises your son and is mentally and emotionally harming him.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 23:16

You obviously need to keep your son away from your ex. I don't understand why you do know this is necessary. If you need to involve SS then that's what you need to do, and you need to get your child therapy. Your son is screaming for you to protect him, please do so.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 23:17

Sorry, op, but your lack of clarity on this situation is very alarming.

sarahc336 · 09/09/2022 23:18

Well you tell social services this info op, he can't keep going and staying with him now, they'll get involved to help x

Dotcheck · 09/09/2022 23:18

Well- thank your child for telling you.
Your child is being damaged- not only by his fathers rage but by his fear of his father.
My suggestion? Protect your child. Don’t let him go back to his father’s unsupervised. Your child’s safety is more important than your ex’s hurt feelings because his frightened child spoke out.
If he said the same thing at school, it would instantly be a safeguarding issue which would be escalated

Itwasntright · 09/09/2022 23:21

Your ex is seriously abusing your son. Fuck your relationship with ex. Talk to the school, get social services involved, take your son to the GP for help for his suicidal feelings and seek advice from a solicitor. Id be keeping the child well away from him until court ordered to do otherwise.

A relationship with an abusive parent is worse than no relationship at all.

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/09/2022 23:25

Your son needs protecting from this monster at all costs;your ex can go whistle.You need to speak to the school and SS;SS can help to provide supervised visitation and the school might have access to a counsellor;don't let this man emotionally scar your child for life.

Potato28 · 09/09/2022 23:28

You protect your son
Tell the school
Tell Social services / The police
Take steps to never let him be with your son ever again

Choconuttolata · 09/09/2022 23:28

Talk to social services for advice before your son talks to someone in school, otherwise there will be questions around why you have not done more to protect him. It is emotional abuse.

summergone · 09/09/2022 23:29

Stop all contact , let him take you to court , let social services become involved.if he becomes aggressive phone the police. Do not pander to him , your son is suicidal ffs

Mandofan · 09/09/2022 23:32

Your blasé attitude is a little alarming. Why would you want to maintain a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusing your son? Keep your child away from him

AthenaPopodopolous · 09/09/2022 23:34

Yes this is emotional abuse. Father undoubtedly has mental health issues that he needs to deal with. I’d limit contact and stop overnight stays, actually I’d just cease contact right now.
Tell him why though and be explicit that his anger and emotional abuse is making your son feel suicidal. Your job is to protect your son so I’d be speaking to school and a family law solicitor too.

terriblyangryattimes · 09/09/2022 23:37

Your son should not be made to see his father. You need to speak urgently to a GP to get a referral for children's mental health counselling and you need to go to court to change the visitstion\custody agreement dependent on toiebex seeking medical help for his anger issues, with a view to SUPERVISED visits with your son as a first step.

You are all your son has - please do not let him down.

CheesusWept · 09/09/2022 23:38

I would not allow my child to go there.

You need to step up and protect your son.

lailamaria · 10/09/2022 01:01

protect your kid please op before he becomes a teenager and really does kill himself i know it's harsh but your ex is abusing your son you need to talk to ss or go back to court asap

Original poster
Jo0070 · 10/09/2022 01:11

I only want to keep a relationship with my ex so that we can keep communication open between us and work together.

He went to dad's tonight because son wanted to. So I rang up earlier to check on him and he said he was fine. Dad must of picked up on our convo as dad text me earlier. So I've just spoken to dad about it - and told him everything. He's devastated, he said he doesn't mean to come across so harsh, that he'd never hurt him. So we've just run through what's not acceptable and he's agreed.

My son's back tomorrow, so I'll put a plan in place with him to make sure he's keeping convo open. And if he's still feeling suicidal I'll get school involved. I haven't wanted to get them involved because we're usually good at being able to sort stuff out between us, but this for obvious reasons had me stumped.

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 10/09/2022 01:16

Jo0070 · 09/09/2022 23:12

My ex is my ex because he would verbally rage anger towards my children over absolutely nothing worth blowing about, he would never accept he had issues to fix, so I kicked him out - his anger was an absolute turn-off and I refused to let my children live like that. Ex was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger, so not sure if his rages are related. He loves his son, would die for him, so I've figured he's got deep rooted issues that he can't control.

Son stays with him twice a week.

I check in with my son every so often see if his dad's got angry. The last time I rang him up and said he needs to curb it because it's scaring son - but he denied it, said son was being too sensitive. So I made my son promise me every time daddy has a go he HAS to tell me.

He's not said anything for ages, then a few nights ago out of the blue he told me daddy gets really angry with him, scares him so much he wants to kill himself. He said the last time was three weeks ago and his daddy snatched his toy off him, threw it in the bin and then got angry with him. I asked him why had he not said anything sooner and he said because he knows I will tell his dad, and then his dad will get angry with him because that's what happened last time.

I've made a promise with my son that I won't tell his daddy unless son agrees I can, and son agreed he will tell me from now on every time it happens.

For now, we've got a code word that means 'come and get me', but that's not ideal as his dad would take his phone off him.

I feel I cant talk to dad because I'll lose the trust from my son.

If I did talk to dad he'll only deny

If I talk to school they'll phone social services - then that would break our relationship, which I want to keep for the sake of son.

If you read this far - thank you. Got any suggestions?

Stop putting your poor child
In this vile situation!!
No more unsupervised contact he's an absolute danger to your son and your willingly sending him there.

BluePinkRed · 10/09/2022 01:18

Your poor poor little boy.

He has told you his Dad is abusing him (this behaviour is irrefutably abusive) and that previously his Dad has worsened the abuse when you discuss this with him directly.

Instead of doing anything remotely justifiable (of which there were probably a good few courses of action), you did exactly the worst things. You sent him to his Dad and then you put him in exactly the riskiest scenario for continued abuse. As your son clearly told you.

Jesus christ. GO AND GET HIM.

misssunshine4040 · 10/09/2022 01:21

Jo0070 · 10/09/2022 01:11

I only want to keep a relationship with my ex so that we can keep communication open between us and work together.

He went to dad's tonight because son wanted to. So I rang up earlier to check on him and he said he was fine. Dad must of picked up on our convo as dad text me earlier. So I've just spoken to dad about it - and told him everything. He's devastated, he said he doesn't mean to come across so harsh, that he'd never hurt him. So we've just run through what's not acceptable and he's agreed.

My son's back tomorrow, so I'll put a plan in place with him to make sure he's keeping convo open. And if he's still feeling suicidal I'll get school involved. I haven't wanted to get them involved because we're usually good at being able to sort stuff out between us, but this for obvious reasons had me stumped.

You are that keen to keep the relationship with your ex civil etc even when your son is suicidal?
Why are you treating your ex as if he doesn't know what he's doing? You are seriously minimising this.
Your son is too young to be responsible for anything here you have to protect and be cannot stay with his Dad.
Dad needs to get help or therapy or whatever but that's not your problem.
Your priority is to protect your son, not facilitating this abuse.
I would be so so so angry at my ex for making my son feel this way!

SullysBabyMama · 10/09/2022 01:21

Why on Earth did you tell his Dad when you promised him you wouldn’t!
Now not only does her have an abusive father but also a Mother he cannot trust who doesn’t protect him!
You need to not ever send your son to him again!
The fact you know that social services would not be okay with his behaviour but you still send your son there is crazy, you know exactly what is happening it and are allowing it!

BluePinkRed · 10/09/2022 01:24

I am blown away. Even if you take the admission from your son is complete isolation and ignore ALL the other information you have.

Your NINE year old feels like he wants to DIE and can identify and verbalise the reason as being his Dad's anger.

He must be terrified of him.

Original poster
Jo0070 · 10/09/2022 01:27

I only told his dad because dad had heard our convo, and son had told him i was checking up on him - So dad asked me out right

OP posts:
Floomobal · 10/09/2022 01:30

I don’t believe this. Nobody would be so casual about a child feeling suicidal

BluePinkRed · 10/09/2022 01:31

Then you should have bloody lied and gone to get him.

Go and get him anyway.

Do you understand how scared of his Dad he must be? He didn't just tell you - he told you twice, and after the first time he got SO SCARED of his Dad's reaction that he couldn't bring himself to tell you again for a while. He didn't just tell you about his Dad being angry, he told you he wanted to die because of it. He gave you an example at one point that clearly depicts abuse.

You yourself know this man as having anger issues. Enough so that you have gone out of your way to check on his behaviour via your son.

He is NINE, please protect him. Just go and get him - pride is not worth this, keeping the peace is NOT worth this.

Pixiedust1234 · 10/09/2022 01:44

Good grief. You know what you are doing right? You are facilitating abuse of a minor. Turning a blind eye to a child who wants to kill himself. You are now also an abuser by not protecting your son as you have this information and not acting on it.

Of course your son wants to go see his dad, he keeps hoping his daddy will love him like a normal daddy, only that doesn't happen. And the cycle of abuse carries on.

Start getting help for your child. Speak to your GP. Speak to the school. Stop pretending its fine.