My 9 year-old son's just told me that his dad's anger upsets him so much that he wants to kill himself - I don't know how to handle the situation

[Jo0070]

My ex is my ex because he would verbally rage anger towards my children over absolutely nothing worth blowing about, he would never accept he had issues to fix, so I kicked him out - his anger was an absolute turn-off and I refused to let my children live like that. Ex was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger, so not sure if his rages are related. He loves his son, would die for him, so I've figured he's got deep rooted issues that he can't control.

Son stays with him twice a week.

I check in with my son every so often see if his dad's got angry. The last time I rang him up and said he needs to curb it because it's scaring son - but he denied it, said son was being too sensitive. So I made my son promise me every time daddy has a go he HAS to tell me.

He's not said anything for ages, then a few nights ago out of the blue he told me daddy gets really angry with him, scares him so much he wants to kill himself. He said the last time was three weeks ago and his daddy snatched his toy off him, threw it in the bin and then got angry with him. I asked him why had he not said anything sooner and he said because he knows I will tell his dad, and then his dad will get angry with him because that's what happened last time.

I've made a promise with my son that I won't tell his daddy unless son agrees I can, and son agreed he will tell me from now on every time it happens.

For now, we've got a code word that means 'come and get me', but that's not ideal as his dad would take his phone off him.

I feel I cant talk to dad because I'll lose the trust from my son.

If I did talk to dad he'll only deny

If I talk to school they'll phone social services - then that would break our relationship, which I want to keep for the sake of son.

If you read this far - thank you. Got any suggestions?

OP I hope you are ok.

I imagine a lot of these comments - although fair are pretty hard to digest and not what you were expecting.

Are you trying to keep the relationship with your ex on good terms because you yourself are still scared of him? If so this really does make sense.
It's easy for us to say you need to act, but many women stay in abusive relationships for fear of things escalating should they leave. You are still clearly in the abusive relationship yourself. If you don't feel able to lie to your ex over the phone to protect your son whilst he is incredibly vulnerable then your ex is very much still controlling you.

It's not easy, but you do need to be braver than you've ever been and get some help. I hope to god your son has a teacher or fault member he feels he can confide in so they can act on his behalf and start safeguarding him, where for whatever reasons you don't feel able to / haven't.

As a parent we have all shouted but I think you know your son isn't just being dramatic saying he wants to kill himself because he was told off. You yourself know how frightening your ex can be - that's why you left him.
Your son wants to leave him too. He's asking / crying out for you to help him leave. Don't ignore him.

If you need to call the police and ask a police officer to go with you to your ex's house to collect your son right now then do it. Not at the end of his usual contact, NOW!! If you don't protect your son and he doesn't end up killing himself he will grow up hating you just as much as his dad and you will lose him anyway.

Your son has tried twice to get you to help him. It's unlikely he will try with you again. So you now have a choice

1. safeguarded him from being abused
2. continue to send him to be abused and hope he has the strength to tell another adult so they can step in and help him
3. wait and see if he actually kills himself!

I really can't see another option I'm afraid. Stay strong. You can do this - your baby needs you to do this! Xx

@Jo0070 I feel for you I had a very similar situation 18 months ago but DD was 11. She hasn't stayed over at her dads since then and we had 60/40 shared care at that point.
When parents split and contact is sorted it's supposed to be to benefit the child not the parents. If it's actively harming the child then it should stop and then be reassessed.
DD is on her second round of therapy now and been diagnosed as having PTSD due to her dads anger issues, shouting at her, rows he's let her witness, things he's tried to make her do (not sexual)
She spent Boxing Day with him ( I think she felt guilty even though I told her she didn't have to at all) and cams home saying she never wanted to see him again and she hasn't since. But the trauma he's caused her and her anxiety levels have descended into her not being able to go to school, becoming depressed, a bedroom dweller, etc.
he blames me and regularly sends me vile messages about it.
Don't let this become your sons life.

I was coming on here to say the same thing. Courts value contact more than safety. It's sickening. Definitely inform who you need to, keep your child safe etc, but be prepared for court to keep access going.

File an urgent C100 with the courts. It costs about £230 but will swing the relevant authorities into action. Report to the police in the meantime, they won't do anything (I mean they will investigate but unlikely to charge as he said/she said) but there will be a record when the court ask for disclosure. Tell the school etc.

OP you've done the wrong thing posting here because a lot of MNers simply do not understand your situation. They think SS will swoop in and rescue your child from his dad. They won't. It will involve the family Courts and there is absolutely no guarantee that he will even have less contact at the end of it.

So you think OP should do nothing, even though her son is at risk of self harming or even committing suicide?

MN is like a bad parody sometimes. No, I clearly said she could refuse to allow contact and let arsehole ex apply to Court. Write off relationship with ex as treading on eggshells is not a positive relationship anyway.

However, it's extremely unlikely that the family court will grant full residence of their child to OP because his dad shouts. I'm not minimising the abuse, just saying the system is fucked.

OP, you could also contact children's services, not to make a referral but for advice.

However, it's extremely unlikely that the family court will grant full residence of their child to OP because his dad shouts. I'm not minimising the abuse, just saying the system is fucked.

I agree but there seems to be a few posters minimising the situation.

The very least OP could do is contact the school and say that her son has spoken about milking himself and to keep a close eye on himz

Yep. Unfortunately getting the impression OP is also somewhat afraid of this guy and I can absolutely relate to the fear of your lives being made absolute hell by an intimidating ex. I don't think piling on to tell her she is complicit in abuse is remotely helpful, to the posters who did that.

Well no but what could be more fun than a pack of bullies than piling on the vulnerable. There’s a very special kind of sickness amongst this sort of posters, they thrive off abusing people asking for help.

your son doesn't want his father out of his life but wants him to act differently.

That's what all children want. Unfortunately, given nobody can control the parents behaviour except the parents themselves, it's often not an option. Children don't know what's good for them. It's not about someone doing what the child wants, it's about someone doing what's best for the child.

I have shouty outbursts sometimes😞and I know they can be hard to stop yourself from. I think you may have to try and help your son to process them differently.

Oh yes that's the answer, teach the person who is being abused to tolerate the abuse. Teach them to minimise it and make excuses for it. Because if you "can't help it" that makes it ok. Or... maybe not. 🙄

At the very least your ex needs to learn to apologise to his child and show actual concern if he has any outbursts. As a matter of course. And mean it.

"Sorry" doesn't suddenly make the father's behaviour acceptable. A cycle of abuse followed by apologies, over and over again, is still abuse and it's not ok.

@ThisIsNotTheNews I completely disagree.
Sometimes people need the hard facts.
No one is bullying or piling on.
It's not ok to subject a child to abuse because the other parent is scared or otherwise,
The child is saying they are scared so that comes before her own feelings or it should.
That's why people are shocked at her posts, not because they are bullying.

Fucking hell woman

If he's still suicidal I'll talk to the school!

Wtf is wrong with you?

Deal with this and protect your child ffs

Erm, OP did protect her children by leaving the guy. I imagine she has agreed to some kind of shared care arrangement because she knows that if she withheld their son, his dad would take it to court, be granted access and then OP is bound by a Court order.

You haven’t stepped in to protect your child, or reported the abuse to relevant agencies, or sought help for your suicidal child and have sent him back to be abused more? Monstrous.

@ThisIsNotTheNews bollocks! This is the kind of situation you end up reading about in the news and wonder why nobody did anything. Don’t you dare minimise this!