My 9 year-old son's just told me that his dad's anger upsets him so much that he wants to kill himself - I don't know how to handle the situation

[Jo0070]

My ex is my ex because he would verbally rage anger towards my children over absolutely nothing worth blowing about, he would never accept he had issues to fix, so I kicked him out - his anger was an absolute turn-off and I refused to let my children live like that. Ex was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger, so not sure if his rages are related. He loves his son, would die for him, so I've figured he's got deep rooted issues that he can't control.

Son stays with him twice a week.

I check in with my son every so often see if his dad's got angry. The last time I rang him up and said he needs to curb it because it's scaring son - but he denied it, said son was being too sensitive. So I made my son promise me every time daddy has a go he HAS to tell me.

He's not said anything for ages, then a few nights ago out of the blue he told me daddy gets really angry with him, scares him so much he wants to kill himself. He said the last time was three weeks ago and his daddy snatched his toy off him, threw it in the bin and then got angry with him. I asked him why had he not said anything sooner and he said because he knows I will tell his dad, and then his dad will get angry with him because that's what happened last time.

I've made a promise with my son that I won't tell his daddy unless son agrees I can, and son agreed he will tell me from now on every time it happens.

For now, we've got a code word that means 'come and get me', but that's not ideal as his dad would take his phone off him.

I feel I cant talk to dad because I'll lose the trust from my son.

If I did talk to dad he'll only deny

If I talk to school they'll phone social services - then that would break our relationship, which I want to keep for the sake of son.

If you read this far - thank you. Got any suggestions?

Can't you see that you are being complicit in this?
Go and get your son. He just a little boy.
Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Protect your son!!
A 9 year old is so scared and traumatised by his dad that he feels suicidal and you send him back there?
He's not old enough to figure out what's best for him. Get him away from your ex and stop this now

Whilst he is being logical and is rightly ‘devastated’, get him to agree to counselling and medication, and make it clear that if he doesn’t go explore that route then you will go to social services (or wherever you need)

Your 9 yr old CHILD has told you that he's thought of killing himself over how his dad treats him...how is it not glaringly obvious what you need to do. HELP YOUR CHILD!

Your lack of grasping the seriousness of this situation is extremely worrying.

You need to stop unsupervised contact immediately. Balls to your ex, he might have genuine issues but that's for him to address, you need to protect your son.

Honestly, if anything happens to your son whether that be an attempt on his own life or your ex causing serious physical or psychological harm, you are going to be complicit in that. He is screaming out for you to take the decisions out of his hands regarding seeing his Dad and protect him.

@Jo0070 this is an awful situation. I don’t think you can see the woods for the trees. Listen to what everyone is saying on here. I will add my thoughts. Speak to a childrens’ social worker, for advice. They are trained in all aspects of safeguarding children. They will be able to tell you what needs to happen. Your judgment is completely skewed, get proper professional help asap. Your son comes first and needs protection.

Exactly this.
Get your son help and remove him from the situation, first and foremost. Contact your GP or see if your area lets you self refer to CAMHs or similar.
Then sort the legal stuff.

bloody hell this is a serious safeguarding or even child protection concern. You are complicit by knowingly sending him to his abuser. Sort it out please.

This. His father is devastated. Rightly so. Why are you putting your ex before your ds?

So fucking what? You owed your child loyalty and protection, not your ex.

You should have taken the rap and been the "bad guy, overprotective mother type" or however your ex wants to view you. Instead you threw your suicidal son under the bus to save yourself a bit of hassle, breaking your promise to him and putting him in direct danger of further abuse! You're a disgrace.

Stop treating your ex as if his words are true. Who cares if he claims not to understand his actions or appears not to know how bad his behaviour is? All abusers say shit like that! They're lying. And even if they weren't lying, it's irrelevant. What's relevant is the effect on your child.

But these abusers totally understand the effects of their behaviour on others and actively choose to do the things they do for that exact reason! Which is why explaining the effects and telling them not to do it never works. It didn't work when you told your ex not to do it to you and it doesn't work when you tell him not to do it to your child.

Your ex was listening in to the conversation. Your poor boy tried to protect himself by blaming you for the "are you ok" type questions and your response was to sacrifice him to save yourself. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Stop trying to reason with your ex and start proactively protecting your child. Don't leave it to your child to decide if he goes to his dad's. He's a child. He's trying to avoid negative consequences. I expect he knows his dad would quiz him on why he didn't go last time and get angry, if he skips a visit. Don't put the decision onto the child. You're the parent you make the decision that's in your child's best interest, which is not sending him off to an abuser who makes him suicidal FFS

My god I hope this is a troll post. If not, SS needs to swoop on and take this poor boy away from both of you.

This. You should stop contact. Your son must be so so frightened. He doesn’t have to see his dad. Protect him and stop sending him there whatever that takes x

Every now and then there are posts where you hope to god it is a fake or a troll. This is one of them for me.

And if he's still feeling suicidal I'll get school involved.

I cannot imagine a mother saying this about her 9 year old ... and if he is still suicidal. Jesus Christ.

On the offchance this is real, OP you need to get some serious help for your son and for you. You are putting your child into a situation where he feels suicidal but are doing it because you want to get along with the ex who is damaging your child so badly that your child feels suicidal. Do you even see what you are doing???

Get yourself the help you need to help your child. This is disgraceful.

For the love of god people calm
down. There is a very good reason why some women continue to expose their children to abuse and it is usually because they have been conditioned to accept abuse.

OP this situation cannot continue. I get that you lived with an abusive man and that you managed to leave the relationship, but you still have a lot of work to do before you and your son can be safe. Your boundaries are really messed up.

You need to involve professionals.
Call Women’s Aid, they handle this
sort of thing all the time.

Sometimes it isn’t u til we see our child’s pain that we wake up to our own.

Please don’t let him go there again, not until your ex has done considerable work on himself.

If you call SS and visits with Dad are stopped, that’s good. It will force dad to face his behaviour which is exactly what needs to happen.

So you’ve just broken your promise anyway and told the ex and now left your son there with his abusive father? When your son was petrified of him finding out he’d said something? Wtf are you doing? Get him out if there now!

your son is not safe with EITHER of you

your son won't bloody tell you if he's ever feeling suicidal again because you broke his trust he'll just do it and that's the harsh reality of this situation, either you help and grow a pair by taking your ex to court or talk to ss or your child could potentially end up dead, god i can't believe you're prioritising your ex's feelings over your son's mental health

You shouldn't really promise him you won't tell, you obviously need to tell someone.

The trouble is that ‘temper’ anger like this is very difficult to control. So its going to keep happening, even if you get told about it afterwards. That’s no good to just hear about it afterwards, it needs to stop in the first place.
I think that your ex definitely needs professional help. To look at the causes of his anger, and the causes of his emotional spikes, and his very bad way of dealing with his feelings. To look at why his love for his son doesn't act as a barrier.
I agree with pps, i wouldn't let him see your son until he’s getting professional help. I would make that a condition.

I think you're putting your child in danger and now you've told you ex what your son said, you can't even trust that your son will tell you if ex is aggressive towards him. You didn't handle this well at all. Protect your child and not your ex.

Sorry I'm commenting again but I can't quite believe what you've done.

You've now told your ex what your son said, despite your son asking you not too. Your son even told you that he's felt unable to talk to you in the past because you constantly told your ex what he said. You KNOW that your son withheld from telling your about his dad's threatening and scary behaviour out of fear that you'd tell your ex... and you've bloody done it again!

Your child told you he feels SUICIDAL being exposed to terrifying rages at the hands of his parent. And you know that your ex will basically manipulate/threaten/scare him into silence because he's done it before.

Yet you merrily sent him off to his abuser's house and then phoned his abuser to fully report what he had told you in confidence.

This is honestly one of the worst and most worrying things I've ever read on Mumsnet. You need to contact your son's school and social services, cut off contact between your son and his father until your ex gets help to deal with his rages.

Be a mother! Protect your child and not your child's abuser! For goodness sake. I can't believe what I've just read.

If ANYTHING happens to your son - immediate harm at the hands of his father, self harm, or ongoing trauma from being exposed to this abuse - then at this point you are partially responsible for it. You are allowing it to happen.

Wtf?

I take it you ex doesn’t have a job? How can he if he can’t control his rage? How does he control the rage when out with friends or doing his weekly shop or anytime it doesn’t involve someone smaller and weaker than him.

and he doesn’t realise that raging and throwing a toy in the bin would upset and scare a child?

You have described a man who shouldn’t be allowed out in general public unsupervised and certainly shouldn’t be look after kids if he recognise how is behaviour impacts a child or can not see fear in a child. He isn’t meeting your child’s basics needs.

Your child has told you he has had suicidal thoughts and you dancing around the main issue and putting your child in that situation. Checking in isn’t enough. You are unlikely to call just as a rage is starting and stop it.

You will call during the aftermath when your son is feeling even lower.

I'm confused, why on earth is he still going back to his dad's when he has disclosed this to you? I honestly have no words

OP, I am just so stumped by your casual approach. Of course his dad will promise not to do it again and you are just lapping it up like a puppy. Why are you so bothered maintaining a relationship with a man who abuses his own child, more so to the point he feels suicidal. Utter madness

This. Really unsure why you'd wonder if there were any other options?