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Original poster

My 9 year-old son's just told me that his dad's anger upsets him so much that he wants to kill himself - I don't know how to handle the situation

90 replies

Jo0070 · 09/09/2022 23:12

My ex is my ex because he would verbally rage anger towards my children over absolutely nothing worth blowing about, he would never accept he had issues to fix, so I kicked him out - his anger was an absolute turn-off and I refused to let my children live like that. Ex was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger, so not sure if his rages are related. He loves his son, would die for him, so I've figured he's got deep rooted issues that he can't control.

Son stays with him twice a week.

I check in with my son every so often see if his dad's got angry. The last time I rang him up and said he needs to curb it because it's scaring son - but he denied it, said son was being too sensitive. So I made my son promise me every time daddy has a go he HAS to tell me.

He's not said anything for ages, then a few nights ago out of the blue he told me daddy gets really angry with him, scares him so much he wants to kill himself. He said the last time was three weeks ago and his daddy snatched his toy off him, threw it in the bin and then got angry with him. I asked him why had he not said anything sooner and he said because he knows I will tell his dad, and then his dad will get angry with him because that's what happened last time.

I've made a promise with my son that I won't tell his daddy unless son agrees I can, and son agreed he will tell me from now on every time it happens.

For now, we've got a code word that means 'come and get me', but that's not ideal as his dad would take his phone off him.

I feel I cant talk to dad because I'll lose the trust from my son.

If I did talk to dad he'll only deny

If I talk to school they'll phone social services - then that would break our relationship, which I want to keep for the sake of son.

If you read this far - thank you. Got any suggestions?

OP posts:
Boopeedoop · 10/09/2022 07:01

There's a fair chance your child is going to end up in the news. Either because he's killed himself because of his abusive dad that you won't protect him from, or because his abusive dad that you won't protect him from has snapped.

But you're right. Let's not rock the boat with your ex, hey? After all, what's the worst that can happen?

Pinkglittery · 10/09/2022 07:19

I'm curious as to why you you would leave someone because of them getting in to a rage with your small child and then keep letting your kid go there when you know he's doing it over and over, up to the point when your son feels suicidal?

Why was it so important for you to leave but not your son? As long as you're ok hey?

PenguinMan · 10/09/2022 07:24

It sounds like you care more about your ex’s feelings than your own son’s.

Are you hoping to get back with him?

Your child is at risk of self harming or committing suicide.
I think you need to take his cry for help much more seriously.

lunar1 · 10/09/2022 07:24

You have told your sons abuser all this, while your DS is there? I'm absolutely horrified to be honest. I really hope he discloses this to school where someone can take steps to protect him.

Saturdayplans · 10/09/2022 07:26

I don't think posters realise how many women are having to negotiate relationships like this. We know very well that women are not listened to in family courts and dad's are given contact despite courts being told of abuse. In many cases women are handing children over through third parties with no contact with the ex partner. I would think that OP feels it's safer for her child that she maintains contact and has a role in his life with his father.

The chances that social services would do anything much because a dad threw a child toy in the bin are very slim. And if dad wanted to I expect he could paint a picture of mum turning the child against him. Being the OP sounds extremely difficult. If posters think reporting to services service is an easy answer they are clueless.

Posters shouldn't be so quick to think it's simple. Sounds like a nightmare.

Keanu4ever · 10/09/2022 07:28

Kids often say they want to kill themselves rising 10 and beyond. You’ve done the right thing. He’s their father so working with him and helping him to get some counselling would be best steps. It much be such a worry for you. ADHD = emotional outbursts. Is he on medication?

Keanu4ever · 10/09/2022 07:31

Spot on. Lots of people have problems and social services ain’t the way to solve them. A bit like hospitals ain’t the way to fix social problems around care in the community.

LIZS · 10/09/2022 07:34

You are putting a lot of responsibility on a 9 yo child. He will want to go in the hope of improvement but will be internally blaming himself every time he rages at him . Is there a court order for contact? You need to stop it while ex gets helps and ask for support for your ds. Your ds wellbeing needs to be put first.

Hedonism · 10/09/2022 07:37

Jesus.

If I talk to school they'll phone social services

Why do you think that is, OP? Read back what you have written. The reason school would call SS is because the situation is serious enough to warrant their intervention.

Your poor DS, I really hope this isn't real 🙁

RudsyFarmer · 10/09/2022 07:40

You talk to the school and they talk to your son and the correct cogs will start to turn. You are complicit if you fail to act so please do something.

LoveToWearADress · 10/09/2022 07:43

Saturdayplans · 10/09/2022 07:26

I don't think posters realise how many women are having to negotiate relationships like this. We know very well that women are not listened to in family courts and dad's are given contact despite courts being told of abuse. In many cases women are handing children over through third parties with no contact with the ex partner. I would think that OP feels it's safer for her child that she maintains contact and has a role in his life with his father.

The chances that social services would do anything much because a dad threw a child toy in the bin are very slim. And if dad wanted to I expect he could paint a picture of mum turning the child against him. Being the OP sounds extremely difficult. If posters think reporting to services service is an easy answer they are clueless.

Posters shouldn't be so quick to think it's simple. Sounds like a nightmare.

This ^^

OP, I've had to live through a very similar situation, with all the push / pull dynamics, the DC having meltdowns because I didn't want them to see their DF, more because they were worried about the backlash they'd suffer if they weren't following up his request for contact.

How I've dealt with it: legal advice (which will tell you to be very careful about avoiding contact AND very careful about getting SS involved because they don't always help the mother and child)

Therapy for myself and for the DC. Joint therapy.
Very very low contact with the ex (me)
Using the odd 'oh we've all got colds sorry we need to skip this week' til the ex starts to get used to and enjoy his freedom so doesn't come looking for them anymore
Consider a move far away so it's hassle for your ex to see DS (do not share this with ex)
Be honest with DS in age appropriate way about the abuse that you suffered. Reassure him that you're going to support him and try to find the right way through things. Discuss useful excuses like having a cold etc
Make sure you tell your gp what's going on so that there's a 'record' of the emotional abuse if things go legal
If you have the money, keep some in savings in case ex does take you to court over contact
Do all this over a matter of months, keep seeking advice here and ignore the people who've got no experience of this
Talk to womens aid, other domestic abuse /womens charities

As you start to go low contact with the ex observe how he responds. If you 'Grey rock' him does he eventually mirror that and go low contact too
Think about how litigious and how wealth your ex is. Would he take you to court do you think?
Confide in a trusted family member, preferably one who has no contact with your ex. See how they might be able to help you with babysitting or childcare so that you're not always relying on the ex
Stop regarding your ex as childcare

Look after yourself. Be compassionate with yourself and with DS. recovering from any form of abuse is a long and tough road, but keep reminding yourself that future you and future DS will thank you for it. You absolutely deserve to live in peace and happiness.
❤️❤️❤️

RewildingAmbridge · 10/09/2022 07:47

Your son asked you not to say anything to dad because last time he got a direct and angry response from dad, he has said dad's anger makes him so scared he wants to kill himself, this is not a usual statement from a child and indicates high levels of trauma. You've let him down and put him at risk. You won't talk to social care because you don't want to break his trust, but you will tell the abuser whilst your child is there alone with him!
There's nothing to lose hope you need to go to social care immediately and stop sending your child somewhere he is being harmed. You are failing to protect him.

HailAdrian · 10/09/2022 07:48

OP you've done the wrong thing posting here because a lot of MNers simply do not understand your situation. They think SS will swoop in and rescue your child from his dad. They won't. It will involve the family Courts and there is absolutely no guarantee that he will even have less contact at the end of it.

Kellie45 · 10/09/2022 07:50

Your ex needs to see your son under supervision until he gets his anger under control. You really need to see someone about that possibly your doctor

RewildingAmbridge · 10/09/2022 07:52

@HailAdrian I absolutely understand the process and manage a multi agency team including child protection social workers. The OP is failing to protect her child. Get most recent sections have increased the risk of serious harm pissed to him by his father. She needs social care intervention because she clearly isn't making appropriate decisions in the child's best interest, without it.

RewildingAmbridge · 10/09/2022 07:52

Her most recent actions

HailAdrian · 10/09/2022 07:53

What you could do is refuse to send your son to his dad on the basis of what your son has said and let him make an application to Court. Yes, it would make your relationship difficult but does that matter when you and your child are walking on eggshells anyway?

HailAdrian · 10/09/2022 07:55

RewildingAmbridge · 10/09/2022 07:52

@HailAdrian I absolutely understand the process and manage a multi agency team including child protection social workers. The OP is failing to protect her child. Get most recent sections have increased the risk of serious harm pissed to him by his father. She needs social care intervention because she clearly isn't making appropriate decisions in the child's best interest, without it.

I know from experience that children are not necessarily removed from abusive parents.

HailAdrian · 10/09/2022 07:57

They certainly won't recommend that there is no contact because dad shouts, despite the fact that it's really awful.

Thinkingblonde · 10/09/2022 07:58

Yes, tell his school, let social services in.
You can’t let this continue, you have to listen to your son and take his words seriously.

Your boy is suffering at the hands of a bully, even worse that bully is his father, someone who should protect him not scare him so much he says he wants to kill himself.
You have to act,
By telling school you haven’t broken your promise to your son. Theoretically.

Huntswomanonthemove · 10/09/2022 08:04

Keanu4ever · 10/09/2022 07:31

Spot on. Lots of people have problems and social services ain’t the way to solve them. A bit like hospitals ain’t the way to fix social problems around care in the community.

A social worker from Childrens’ Services is exactly who @Jo0070 needs to speak to. They are the experts in safeguarding children. This poor child is so emotionally abused, that he wants to kill himself. Who the fuck do you think should be involved?

ThreeLocusts · 10/09/2022 08:05

OP sorry about the judgy comments. Your dilemma sounds real enough to me, your son doesn't want his father out of his life but wants him to act differently.

I have shouty outbursts sometimes😞and I know they can be hard to stop yourself from. I think you may have to try and help your son to process them differently. Can you get a counselor involved? The mention of suicide is really concerning.

Also concerning is that your ex apparently didn't anticipate the effects of his antics. Of course throwing a toy in the bin is upsetting?! At the very least your ex needs to learn to apologise to his child and show actual concern if he has any outbursts. As a matter of course. And mean it.

It all sounds very tricky to me if you want to avoid confrontation. If ex doesn't get his shit together you may not be able to. All the best.

Hiphophippityskip1 · 10/09/2022 08:24

By continuing to send your child to his father and putting him in this situation you are also abusing your son. Wise up

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2022 08:29

What is your ex going to do to manage his anger? That should be what you’re discussing. Is he going to get help? Will he show any practical steps to address his anger issues or is it just words?

misssunshine4040 · 10/09/2022 08:42

ThreeLocusts · 10/09/2022 08:05

OP sorry about the judgy comments. Your dilemma sounds real enough to me, your son doesn't want his father out of his life but wants him to act differently.

I have shouty outbursts sometimes😞and I know they can be hard to stop yourself from. I think you may have to try and help your son to process them differently. Can you get a counselor involved? The mention of suicide is really concerning.

Also concerning is that your ex apparently didn't anticipate the effects of his antics. Of course throwing a toy in the bin is upsetting?! At the very least your ex needs to learn to apologise to his child and show actual concern if he has any outbursts. As a matter of course. And mean it.

It all sounds very tricky to me if you want to avoid confrontation. If ex doesn't get his shit together you may not be able to. All the best.

It's not judging comments?
Why are you minimising the situation? She needs to stop unsupervised contact for now until the Dad is sorted.
Why are you acting as though the Dad isn't aware of what he's doing?
How can he get so angry with a child he doesn't see very often?