Can I manage w/ new baby + "weekend husband"?

[New2Mumming]

Hi, hoping to learn from your own experiences as my (28) husband (28) and I decide where/how to live with our first on the way.
We're currently based in London, OH works full time in the office, I'm remote.
We'd like to buy a place, can't afford anything in London, and don't want to raise a baby there.

Ideally I'd like to be close to family for the support with baby.
His parents are closer to Manchester, but OH has had no luck finding work there.
My parents are about 90 mins to London by train - too far for daily travel if you factor in door to door travel (would be over 2hrs each way).

Our current plan is OH will pay a Mon-Fri let in London and join me at my parents' on the weekends. Baby is due early November, so we'll have her there for sure and this will be our reality for the first few months.

He currently sees this working away in the week as a long term solution. It'd mean we buy something a lot cheaper than we'd hoped for, in my parents' town, so we can keep up mortgage payments + his Mon-Fri let. He keeps the job he loves, I get the support from family while he's at work.
I'm not so keen: like anyone, I want as close to a normal life as possible ie living as a family through the week.
OH has stopped looking for other jobs. His is good, but not megabucks - he's on 50k, and in these conditions I don't feel that's enough to warrant the lifestyle he's planning (london rent plus mortgage). It would be tight.
I don't want to pressure him to leave London and get a local job he'll find boring. But I don't think weekends is enough for a normal family life. I'll need a break from baby but will also miss him so much, so don't want to do separate stuff at the weekends, and I'm worried how we'll establish a good routine for kid(s), plus our relationship and his relationship with baby. I don't think it's fair to expect my parents to fill in for him when I need support and he's not there. They already have other grandchildren too.

I've read a few forums here about OHs who work away from home, both sides of the story, and I'm interested to get experienced parents' opinions on the situation.

Another option is we move to a town closer to London, but means we won't have support from family or friends at short notice if we need it. I wonder if anyone can share experience of this, if it's a big deal or not.

There's also a chance that once baby comes he'll see things differently ie prioritise his mornings and evenings with her over what job he has. Is that likely?

After maternity I'll also return to work, probably 4 days a week, so will either put baby in nursery that time or hybrid nursery/my mum depending where we live. I know it depends how the baby is, but apprehensive about possible bad nights sleep by myself with her plus working. Plus if we have a second, how I'll cope then with pregnancy , little one etc.

Thanks for reading! Would love to hear advice and wisdom. I might sound like I want everything perfect, I know that's not reasonable, but want to hear what you would prioritise here.

(In case you wondered why last minute: surprise baby and 2 house purchases fell through leaving us at this stage)

This wouldn't work for my family.

I would most likely move somewhere in between husbands job and parents. So it's approx 40mins in either direction.

you need to prioritise your husband being around mornings and evenings over access to grandparent support. It’s his child not theirs

No. I wouldn't do that.

I would move half way. Your husband needs to be with your child more than the grandparents. His baby not theirs.

I would 100% choose living with my husband full-time over having family support.

OP, did he want this baby? The fact that he's suggesting spending the majority of his time living a bachelor life away from his wife and child is a very bad sign, I'm afraid.

You mention friends and family being outside of London, don’t you have friends here?
Personally I wouldn’t want a wkend husband, the family support you get could equally be that your husband can give you once home of an evening.

Everyone's different but I reckon I could have managed to do this but with difficulty with one baby, I had cluster feeders so showers and preparing food would have been difficult with no one to hand baby to. I couldn't have done two children, they simply wouldn't have been looked after properly.

I think he's being madly optimistic to think he could afford all that on £50k.
Also when is he intending to be a parent ?

My job used to require me to do Mon-Thurs away when I had a small DC. My DH coped fine with it from a practical standpoint (this started when baby was 11 months old though, not a newborn!), but it still felt like crap. We all missed each other! Now, I never travel more than 3 days every 2 weeks.

I would have hated that. In the first two years dhs help in the early mornings and overnight was essential. If ds was I’ll in the night I wanted dhs opinion. I know you’ll have your parents and many new mums lean on their mum a lot but I wanted dh to be my go-to support not my mum.
I know lots of fathers need to work away but I’d never choose it for the sake of the father-child bond also.

That would be incredibly tight on that salary. And wouldn't you resent him swanning around living a carefree bachelor life in the week whilst you're elbow deep in nappies and utterly exhausted?

This would not work for me.

I would be upset that my husband wouldn't rather live with me and his children during the week.

If it was a short term measure that meant we were financially secure, then I could make it work but not a long term arrangement where money will be very tight.

My DH occasionally travels for work and it is hard. The kids really miss him.

What's the benefit? A lower paid job closer to where you live would mean less outgoings and would allow you to progress in your career and earning potential.

This would be a hard no for me and if he kept pushing for it, it would lead to a separation. Maybe that's what he wants.

I wouldn't do this personally - I used to commute into London 90 mins each way and it was fairly normal (pre-Covid).

It's hard to say without knowing where your parents actually live (ie, is it really far away but a high speed train that takes 90 mins or closer in with a slow train?) but is there no way you could live in between there and London? So your husband's commute is not as long but you're close enough for your parents to drive to you easily/you to go there?

I think you are quite right that 50k salary does not justify him having a bolt hole in London and maintaining a mortgage/household elsewhere.

50k would surely be a stretch to rent in London as a single man, never mind with a wife and child and whole other property added into the mix.

I would move somewhere between his work and your parents, close enough for him to commute daily, but nearer your parents and outside of London, so hopefully affordable.

I can't see that your relationship will last being apart all week, him having 4/5 nights of great sleep while you're up with the baby, him being able to go out after work etc. while you're stuck doing all of the childcare and working. There is no way on earth that will go well.

also even renting a room would cost him c. A third of his salary, it doesn’t financially benefit anyone

50k in London isn’t enough for that lifestyle or a good enough reason. If it was a once in a lifetime job with a greater pay packet then maybe… But definitely not worth it for that. It’s your first baby, he’ll miss so much. The trade off wouldn’t be worth it for me.

I don't know what the solution is, but in my experience you can only afford the two bases plus travel thing, if you earn a significant salary i.e. over 100k. 50k definitely won't cut it. It's not a high salary, it's mine actually and comfortable as part of a two household income not in the south east, but I wouldn't consider it so valuable in London to make his suggestion worthwhile in any way

If he earned £250k and a few years of this would set the family up brilliantly then I might consider it. But for £50k no way.

First, I just don’t think it will be affordable. Mortgage, London rent, commuting costs (ok only twice a week but still), all the costs of running two homes - extra bills food etc. Extra childcare costs probably as you can’t share drop offs and pick ups between you so DC in nursery for longer.

Second, it will be lonely and miserable for you. And lonely and miserable for him, unless he gets into the habit of going out with London mates a lot, in which case more expense and justified resentment from you.

He’s willing to put the fact that he finds his job interesting above what’s clearly best for you and DC… nope not ok.

Can’t you look at places half way between London and your parents? Close enough to parents for regular support, close enough to London for commuting?

I'd also have a really big think about how happy he is about becoming a father at all given the baby was a surprise and he's now suggesting that you and your parents raise it while he visits on the weekend! Maybe he's just panicking, but i'd have a think about it.

The resentment could well be the most difficult part. My DH has had short periods of working away and I found that I simply didn't want to communicate with him mid week as it just brought home how he was getting evenings off while I had to manage the kids and by the weekend I barely wanted to look at him. It doesn't work for everyone

What a horrible idea! My husband would have been devastated at the suggestion of living away from his wife and new baby for five days out of seven. I would be deeply concerned that yours is not only willing but seemingly enthusiastic about the idea.

I believe that marriage and family means living under the same roof and making compromises to do what’s best as a family. Not severing the family and living separate lives week in week out. How on earth will you feel when you’re on your knees caring for a newborn as effectively a single parent while he’s getting full nights sleep and living a bachelor life in london? Then he comes back at weekends and has zero idea for how to care for his baby or be part of the family unit, before toddling off again! And for a salary of £50k which sorry, in London is nothing special at all! Does he actually want this baby and are you sure he’s fully committed to your family? It kind of smacks of him wanting an ‘out’.

I would rather raise my baby in a rental in London than out in the sticks with an absent father. You and he need to think hard about what your priorities are for this baby you have decided to have.

Until you have this baby you can’t possibly comprehend how hard it will be and how much you will need a partner who is physically and emotionally present. Him opting out of parenthood to live alone for most of the time will very probably kill your marriage.

Hard no from me. If my Dh thought I should solo parent during the week the sleep deprivation would have sent me over the edge and I’d have murdered him when he got there one weekend. Does your dh plan on spending weekends doing large chunks of parenting including solo parenting and housework so you can rest? Or is that your parents job too and you are supposed to parent 24/5 then also pull your weight on the weekend? It will be much harder for you to go back to work if you’re solo during the week.
All this and on £50k I think he’d lose money paying rent for london and travel. Not to mention eating out more becasue he is solo… it’s a disaster of a plan.

i did have a friend planning to move home with the babies and her Dh stay in london where he earnt very well. She is an extremely competent mum (not having a go at you- some women rock it and she did, I don’t!) and she changed her mind and stayed in london until he could move with them. This is earning 6 figures though.

Thank you all for your advice/pov so far. Real food for thought. Yes, he certainly wants the baby more than anything, no worries there. I'm already used to neices and nephews whereas he only has mine, so I think he just doesn't realise what a baby entails tbh, it's hard to fully understand sleepless nights etc before you've been there

Yeah this sounds right to me

Yes, he certainly wants the baby more than anything, no worries there.

He wants it to exist, yes. But it doesn’t sound much like he wants to parent it, does it?