Can I manage w/ new baby + "weekend husband"?

[New2Mumming]

Hi, hoping to learn from your own experiences as my (28) husband (28) and I decide where/how to live with our first on the way.
We're currently based in London, OH works full time in the office, I'm remote.
We'd like to buy a place, can't afford anything in London, and don't want to raise a baby there.

Ideally I'd like to be close to family for the support with baby.
His parents are closer to Manchester, but OH has had no luck finding work there.
My parents are about 90 mins to London by train - too far for daily travel if you factor in door to door travel (would be over 2hrs each way).

Our current plan is OH will pay a Mon-Fri let in London and join me at my parents' on the weekends. Baby is due early November, so we'll have her there for sure and this will be our reality for the first few months.

He currently sees this working away in the week as a long term solution. It'd mean we buy something a lot cheaper than we'd hoped for, in my parents' town, so we can keep up mortgage payments + his Mon-Fri let. He keeps the job he loves, I get the support from family while he's at work.
I'm not so keen: like anyone, I want as close to a normal life as possible ie living as a family through the week.
OH has stopped looking for other jobs. His is good, but not megabucks - he's on 50k, and in these conditions I don't feel that's enough to warrant the lifestyle he's planning (london rent plus mortgage). It would be tight.
I don't want to pressure him to leave London and get a local job he'll find boring. But I don't think weekends is enough for a normal family life. I'll need a break from baby but will also miss him so much, so don't want to do separate stuff at the weekends, and I'm worried how we'll establish a good routine for kid(s), plus our relationship and his relationship with baby. I don't think it's fair to expect my parents to fill in for him when I need support and he's not there. They already have other grandchildren too.

I've read a few forums here about OHs who work away from home, both sides of the story, and I'm interested to get experienced parents' opinions on the situation.

Another option is we move to a town closer to London, but means we won't have support from family or friends at short notice if we need it. I wonder if anyone can share experience of this, if it's a big deal or not.

There's also a chance that once baby comes he'll see things differently ie prioritise his mornings and evenings with her over what job he has. Is that likely?

After maternity I'll also return to work, probably 4 days a week, so will either put baby in nursery that time or hybrid nursery/my mum depending where we live. I know it depends how the baby is, but apprehensive about possible bad nights sleep by myself with her plus working. Plus if we have a second, how I'll cope then with pregnancy , little one etc.

Thanks for reading! Would love to hear advice and wisdom. I might sound like I want everything perfect, I know that's not reasonable, but want to hear what you would prioritise here.

(In case you wondered why last minute: surprise baby and 2 house purchases fell through leaving us at this stage)

It would be a big no from me. Having worked in a male dominated industry I saw first-hand the behaviour of those men who lived away from family during the week and then returned home to their "perfect little family life" at weekends with wifey none the wiser about their week antics. Some men tend to behave like they are single, child-free men and that happened across the seniority levels from board members to manager level!

I think you have to be ready for the fact that your parents may have over obligated themselves here. It's hard work living with a newborn. Most grandparents like having them around and then, crucially, handing them back.

I would live halfway. If it’s only 40 minutes, or even an hour or so then in an emergency one of your family can make it to you. That’s also quite reasonable for your mum to do one day a week if she wants to help with childcare. Having your husband there, for the little things, bath time, bedtime, seeing how they develop day to day is so valuable. Having someone there in the middle of the night, even if they don’t actually do anything, is so important.

If you have a second, you will cope, or if you want to, wait until this baby is a little older.

My husband works away 3/4 nights a week, most weeks. His work moves him around and can be very last minute so I’m a SAHM to a toddler.

It works for us as his work is lucrative and his flexibility allows him to make good money and for us to live outside of London but bring in a high wage.

We love to travel so it works for us, he works away and does crazy hours for a couple of months and then we take a big trip for 3/4 weeks as a family. Can be tough at home solo but the good outweighs the bad for us at the minute. However we always review it and are both willing to change how we do it if it stops working.

Surely there’s other £50k jobs that don’t involve splitting the family up? It’s not enough reward to warrant that or even support a house and London rent?!

This definitely wouldn’t work for me! That’s a massive chunk of parenting he’s opting out of.
Yes he’ll be at work in the day, but evenings, nights and early mornings should all be shared!

Also when he’s home at weekends the baby will probably still want you as they won’t be used to him, so you won’t get a break then either.

£50k salary isn't enough to justify a Mon-Fri London pad or even Premier Inn.

Personally I'd keep your London rental for now. If you want to, when baby comes you could experiment with living with your DPs and see how it feels to only see DH at weekends, but it doesn't seem very fair on anyone - including your DPs.

I live 300 miles away from all my family and friends and have a 13 month old. It has been tough doing it just me and my DP but me being default parent but I still don't really miss having family that close by.
The only times are for emergencies I guess but we haven't had many of those.
I actually found that I like having people at a distance so we could focus solely on how we want to parent without constant comments on sleep training, stopping breast feeding etc. I also don't think I'd want my DP to only be around at weekends, it seems like the evening and weekend time we have isn't enough already so I don't know how you or he would feel long term being only weekends and him missing out on so much

Don't do it.

50k is not enough at all to have such a split in family life.

Depending on your dynamics, it will not be good for your relationship and definitely not for his relationship with your daughter. The limited financial incentive also means you'll be sacrificing your support system and your baby bonding well with her Dad for 50k! 100k+ would allow you some financial freedom. I also think childcare by default will fall to your parents which may be lovely if they want to be involved but not necessarily fair. He needs to be there with you both.

He should start looking for work near where you are. A better life in a different location with no differences in financial freedom makes no sense to me.

I mean, you could manage, there are plenty of single parents w/ no outside help at all. But it isn't fair on any of you. I wouldn't agree to my dh choosing this for the family. He worked nights for a year or so and that was bad enough.

I'm not sure if your parents are retired but what my parents did was to come and stay 2 nights per week and took it in turns ie. dad one week, mum next week. They slept in the living room, which was ok as it was every 2 weeks. They kind of enjoyed being away from one another as a bit if a break and to keep things fresh when they were together. I did have twins and a toddler though. This could work if you wanted one day a week childcare by your parents. It builds a great, close relationship with grandparents. I would move to a town maybe an hour from London and 30 min to your parents. You will also make local friends whilst you're on mat leave.

You'll have your parents for help. I thought you meant doing it alone with a weekend husband.

Sorry but that's just bonkers. Your gonna pay out for two places when you only need one. Assuming you are having one newborn and not triplets or something then you can look after the baby like other people have to ! Why can't your parents visit or you visit together at the weekend. It's just wierd

We only did this for just over a month when Dh had a new job and our house sale/purchase was delayed so he lived in the new area Mon-Fri and came home at weekends.

Ds1 was 15 months at the time and I found it very hard just being away from him for days on end. He too was incredibly upset about being away from me but also Ds who he had a brilliant relationship with.

We lived and now live away from family, we move to where jobs are for Dh. Not everyone has access to help. After Dh returned to work from 2 week paternity my Mum came for 4 days which was all she could do and I was grateful. When she left Ds was not even 3 weeks old and I did it all in the day by myself. But luckily Dh was hands on the second he came through the door.

Having family support is great but not at the expense of your relationship with your husband nor having the Dad be away from his child if there is a choice. Yes I know armed forces spouses do it but they usually know that when they marry someone in the military. I think you need to rethink this whole idea of living near to your family and your Dh should look for other jobs to see what is out there and potentially where you could all move to.

Have you looked at the price of a crash pad/Premier Inn/Ibis? It is a miserable life hotel living when you have done it week in week out. Plus on £50k I am not sure it is doable. Has he registered with any agencies that cover his field?

When DD was born DH was in the RAF and based in London while we had a house in Cambridgeshire. He would leave early on Monday morning and come back on Friday evening. When she was 10 weeks old he was deployed to Afghanistan so he was gone for 6 months.

It’s very hard. You have to be very organised and acknowledge that it will be a strain on your relationship. I had no nearby family, though my parents did come and stay for a few weeks.

Talk it all through, how things are going to work, what your expectations are for the weekends, etc.

Thanks all, a lot of people saying what I'm thinking and it helps to know how I feel is reasonable. You're right best to stick together the 3 of us than any other idea. I think a big influence is his inexperience, he doesn't realise how hard it'll be to be away from his baby, and how hard it be for me at nights. I'm looking for houses closer to London now. We could agree that if money remains too tight then in a few years we have to be willing to relocate and him take another job: we can't have it all.

Op, not only does this sound financially disastrous, physically, mentally, parenting alone mon-fri, while your husband has his own seperate life in London, sounds like it will cause huge levels of resentment and issues down the line. You will be doing every night wake up, plus all day alone with baby. Yes, I'm sure family will help, but they will also have their own lives and commitments to attend to, and I guarantee once the novelty of a newborn has worn off, you'll be on your own... Alot. I used to count down the hours for DH to get home from work, so I could hand over baby and have an hour or so to myself, as it is bloody exhausting, and mind numbing once you're in the endless 24 hour cycle of feed, sleep, change, cry, feed, sleep, change, cry... Even though mine were breastfed, DH used to get up and get the baby from the moses basket and pass to me, get me a drink, change baby etc, as he knew how tired I was, and wouldn't have expected me to do it alone. Your DH won't even be there to see first hand how hard it is, and therefore may not even be very sympathetic to how you're feeling. I think this is a recipe for disaster, and would definitely look into any other option than living like this.

Thabks for being straightforward, I need that

I wouldn't do it. It's hard enough to be a team in the first year of a baby's life anyway tbh.

I used to work away in London or abroad every week for 18 months and live near Preston / Manchester. The 6am ish train down on the Monday and more especially the 4:30pm train back on the Friday were not fun - crowded, noisy and generally a wholly depressing experience knowing that I was leaving my family behind for another week. It was slightly better when I negotiated working from home each Friday but Sunday afternoon and evening were basically written off with worry, ironing and generally getting ready. For you part, you will be having to cope on your own and I think what will happen is that you'll build a whole new life without your OH. It's not a recipe for a happy balanced life for either of you and i think that over time you will resent him being away.

I'm sure it works for some people but it's one large gamble to take. Perhaps have a few trial runs before you decide to up sticks and move?

FYI, I used sparerooms.co.uk to find accommodation as the choice was good and the prices lower. I also earned quite a bit more then your OH which at least helped to pay for some nice holidays in between. That said, I wouldn't do it again.

In theory, this could work for us. DH sees our child for 10mins in the morning and depending on how tired they are anywhere from not at all to 30mins in the evening due to his working pattern / commute.

However, he would HATE this. He misses his child so much, that the 40mins per day, he craves!
It's also the little things, not being able to pop to the shop after little one has gone to bed because you are on your own, cooking dinner for 1. I wouldn't like it either.

I would have hated it in the first year when I was at home solo parenting!

Also, I need him to collect sometimes if I need to work late. Not sure how it would impact on your working pattern thinking a year down the line!

Why would he want to sink money into rent, rather than into your own property? It's madness and financially daft on 50k.

If he can’t easily find work near your parents then Realistically that means that you can’t live there. The rent/ mortgage solution is bonkers and wouldn’t be sustainable in the long term as rents are bound to rise quicker than his salary. Do your parents work? If having them close is so important would they be prepared to move a bit closer to London to reduce the distance? That way you could buy within commuting distance and have them close by. As others have said having grandparents near is nice but not essential, having the father living with you would be my priority….

Building a whole separate life is very good point, I see that too. Feels awful to think that

Building a whole separate life is very good point, I see that too. Feels awful to think that

Me and OH planned the same with good intentions when I was pregnant. His work was 3.5 hours away (started the job when I was pregnant), he was to work away mon - Fri and I was to stay home near family with the baby.

it lasted a year until we decided to move near his work before we would end up divorcing. I resented him massively. Resented that he had a good nights sleep 4 nights a week, that he had 4 evenings to himself where he could shower, eat something decent, socialise with his friends etc, whilst I was up to my eyeballs with a baby that didn’t nap, screamed if he was put down, sleep deprivation, piles of laundry, mess, couldn’t cook anything decent to eat, rarely showered - let alone see friends.

it’s easy to Say ‘yeah we’ll do this’ until it actually happens and reality hits you. You don’t know what your baby will be like, how long it will take you to recover from the birth, how well you’ll cope, whether you’ll be hit with PND. Family only do so much.

just don’t put all of your eggs into one basket and have a plan for if it doesn’t turn out as well as you hoped.