Can I manage w/ new baby + "weekend husband"?

[New2Mumming]

Hi, hoping to learn from your own experiences as my (28) husband (28) and I decide where/how to live with our first on the way.
We're currently based in London, OH works full time in the office, I'm remote.
We'd like to buy a place, can't afford anything in London, and don't want to raise a baby there.

Ideally I'd like to be close to family for the support with baby.
His parents are closer to Manchester, but OH has had no luck finding work there.
My parents are about 90 mins to London by train - too far for daily travel if you factor in door to door travel (would be over 2hrs each way).

Our current plan is OH will pay a Mon-Fri let in London and join me at my parents' on the weekends. Baby is due early November, so we'll have her there for sure and this will be our reality for the first few months.

He currently sees this working away in the week as a long term solution. It'd mean we buy something a lot cheaper than we'd hoped for, in my parents' town, so we can keep up mortgage payments + his Mon-Fri let. He keeps the job he loves, I get the support from family while he's at work.
I'm not so keen: like anyone, I want as close to a normal life as possible ie living as a family through the week.
OH has stopped looking for other jobs. His is good, but not megabucks - he's on 50k, and in these conditions I don't feel that's enough to warrant the lifestyle he's planning (london rent plus mortgage). It would be tight.
I don't want to pressure him to leave London and get a local job he'll find boring. But I don't think weekends is enough for a normal family life. I'll need a break from baby but will also miss him so much, so don't want to do separate stuff at the weekends, and I'm worried how we'll establish a good routine for kid(s), plus our relationship and his relationship with baby. I don't think it's fair to expect my parents to fill in for him when I need support and he's not there. They already have other grandchildren too.

I've read a few forums here about OHs who work away from home, both sides of the story, and I'm interested to get experienced parents' opinions on the situation.

Another option is we move to a town closer to London, but means we won't have support from family or friends at short notice if we need it. I wonder if anyone can share experience of this, if it's a big deal or not.

There's also a chance that once baby comes he'll see things differently ie prioritise his mornings and evenings with her over what job he has. Is that likely?

After maternity I'll also return to work, probably 4 days a week, so will either put baby in nursery that time or hybrid nursery/my mum depending where we live. I know it depends how the baby is, but apprehensive about possible bad nights sleep by myself with her plus working. Plus if we have a second, how I'll cope then with pregnancy , little one etc.

Thanks for reading! Would love to hear advice and wisdom. I might sound like I want everything perfect, I know that's not reasonable, but want to hear what you would prioritise here.

(In case you wondered why last minute: surprise baby and 2 house purchases fell through leaving us at this stage)

All of this. And when you have a headache or a cold or just had a bad night and are just hanging on for him to walk in the door, when baby is ill or teething and you haven’t been able to put them down and your back is killing you and you are hanging on until he can take them. When you haven’t had lunch, baby doesn’t sleep in the evenings. When you start wanting to get fit again and he can go for evening runs and do workouts in his room but you can’t get out because you have a baby. When you go back to work and baby/toddler is sent home from childcare with a cold, and it’s always you who has to come home from work. And you can’t make up work in the evening because baby is unsettled with a cold and he’s in london… I know single parents manage and I take all my hats off to them. But my relationship would die if I were single parenting with a partner because my Dh chose to be elsewhere.

I have a three month old and there’s no way I’d practically want to do that but plenty of people do.

Financially more than anything though it sounds like a bad idea on his wage. My DP earns what yours does in the north west with an average mortgage and I have a decent job too but we couldn’t afford another rent without giving up everything from baby classes to a coffee out and you aren’t going to want to sit inside for the whole of your maternity leave. When I lived in London (7 plus years ago) I paid £600 to rent a tiny room in accommodation that was made up of a lot of weekday renters (mostly dads, quite a few doctors with families who had houses outside of London) but I suspect they were earning a lot more and opting for the cheapest possible week day rent. Also babies are quite expensive!

I would stay in London for a year and adjust to baby first. Babies don’t need a lot space or stuff. As we are heading towards recession house prices are likely to stabilise or fall so there’s not the same urgency to buy. He will never become a competent father you can leave the baby with if he’s only there for weekends. It’s not affordable and having two places will put pressure on you to keep earning. Family help is more important at school age - working while you have full time nursery care is easier. It’s very hard to do all the baby stuff solo and have energy to do a job on top. I’ve also seen many men in this situation have affairs at work / live double lives. Once the baby is here both your priorities around work may change. If you don’t have to move I would put the house purchase on hold until you need the extra space. Presumably you have friends and a social life where you are. Moving home, making new friends, having a baby and your OH commuting further could be very lonely for you.

I'd buy somewhere closer to London or buy a property elsewhere (to be on the property ladder) while still renting in London with a view to moving there once your DH finds a job there. Is his job very niche or is he likely to find something similar somewhere else? Or a different role in London that is WFH or mostly (eg just requires office time once a week)? That would open up your parents home area as 90 mins commute would be doable just once a week.

My DP works away a lot and we have a toddler. It's really hard on both of us, he feels he's missing out on her growing up, they change soooo quick and I feel like i'm up to my ears in mental load. We make it work because we have to but, having experienced it, it's not something I'd choose long term.

No way, especially as a long term solution. You will be the exhausted default parent while he swans in being a Disney dad in the best case scenario, or hardworking daddy who needs to rest on weekends and can't be disturbed.

This ^^

Thé baby isn't even here and yet he's planning already to only be a parent for less than 48 hours a week;he'll be there late Friday night and have to go back on a Sunday evening.

With the astronomical cost of living maintaining somewhere in London and a mortgage plus the cost of communing on 50K isn't feasible.

I'd be wondering how committed He actually is to the OP and their family.How long until things start cropping up on a Friday evening and he doesn't arrive until Saturday or he wants to stay and socialise on a weekend in London?;not to mention I'm sorry to say the potential to be tempted by the lure of extra marital fun.

The OP will be doing all the heavy lifting here and her husband wants to lead the life of a singleton.

A lot of people dont have family support. I dont think I would even consider living apart as you describe unless in the very very short term.

No way. Sounds awful

There is no way you can afford a pied a terre in london plus a house on £50k. A flat is going to cost easily £1k once you've paid for energy and council tax plus a travel card and the train on monday and friday. Totally daft idea. I know of people who do this but the financial rewards are huge. As in £100s of Ks.

Yes you could physically do it if you had to. There are new mums in much harder situations, but whether it's the best of your options, I'd say absolutely not.

I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about this because there is absolutely no chance that it is possible on £50k, so unless he finds a massive salary hike there's no chance of it happening.

To put it in perspective, how comfortable would he be with you returning to work after say, six weeks, and him moving home to live with his parents and the newborn and you off in London in a flat, resuming your career, and popping back to say hello at weekends? That's how reasonable this is.

Short term no problem, long term I don't think that this is the way if there are other options and you've had a few suggestions.

Not a hope in hell this would work for my family. Firstly, it gives you zero flexibility during the weekday evenings, I regularly see friends / do gym classes / leisure things for myself during the week once the kids go to bed. It would wear incredibly thin for me if my husband got to spend his evenings doing whatever he pleased and i was stuck at home with the baby. It's a breeding ground for resentment quite frankly. Secondly, it means your weekends are pretty much earmarked exclusively for "family time" which means once again, you can't do anything for yourself. Time with my friends became even more essential for me when I became a SAHM as it meant I got to have some adult time where I wasn't mum for a minute.

Also, with all due respect, a £50k household income which includes rent in London and a mortgage elsewhere, doesn't leave you much. You're not going to be out and about with the baby every day on that which means you're going to probably spend at least a few days at home. I would think long and hard before agreeing to that setup. Don't underestimate how isolating it can feel being home alone with a baby. My phone practically texts my husband itself by 6pm asking "WHEN ARE YOU HOME"

This certainly isn't the type of family life that I would choose, except as a temporary stop-gap. Of course it would be possible, but I would want to build a family life with my husband where he was a much closer part of every day life. I agree with the others, that I would try to find a location which is commutable for your husband, but in the direction of your parents.

Can you show me please where I can get a London bolt hole and a mortgage on £50k? I’m on £40k+ with a mortgage in a London borough, I would love the notion of a place outside London and a London pad…

I don’t mean to be facetious, but that alone seems like a pipe dream, have you actually found anything that would support this idea? I’d need this in place before moving. I don’t think a house share would be cost effective, you’d be looking at £900+ a month alone for that.

If you added this to a mortgage you’d be looking at half his salary going on accommodation alone, much less the cost of everything else, inc child care which could cost you in excess of £1000 a month. So that £900+£1000 mortgage +£1000 childcare. That’s approx £35k a year, being very generous with the costs as well.

This would leave you with £15k for a whole year, to cover every other bill, travel expenses, food…assuming mortgage and rent didn’t rise.

and this is just the number crunching. Not even considering the emotional cost.

you’ll be a single parent mon-fri. As your child grows they’ll miss out, you miss out and so does he. It’s not a long term solution at all.

DH was away for all but 36 hours a week from when DD was 4 weeks old till she was 18 months old. No family support within hundreds of miles.

We coped. Not sure I’d do it again.

I would 10000% choose my DH's support in the evenings and weekends over grandparent support.

Why not just go and spend a few days every now and then with your parents? Or even a night every week if you really want.

We don't have family support and it is a bit rubbish in some ways but I would much rather that than only see my DH at the weekend.

I think it's not a good sign for your marriage that you're even thinking this

Many of us manage with zero family support due to distance or otherwise. It would be absolutely fine to live somewhere in between London and your parents - a perfectly reasonable distance for helping out but without the terrible idea of not seeing your husband Mon-Fri!

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen such a clear-cut, unanimous response on Mumsnet. You have your answer, OP!

Just to add, I saw another poster had put that Sundays were also written off. This was true for us too. My husband was really quiet and withdrawn on a Sunday. He needed to sleep well the night before, get his bag packed and relax before the long drive back. We only had a Saturday together and that was spent catching up on all the chores as I struggled to get it done during the week with a clingy baby.

We had no life, I became seriously depressed and on the verge of separating as the resentment I held was too much.

Having a baby in London is great, you just might want to move when they get to nursery age.

Stick together at the beginning, and maybe ask your parents to come down once a week if they're keen.

Dad does bath and bed, and the morning change before work.

You'll be fine just with the three of you.

£50k is nowhere near enough to finance the mon-fri let and a mortgage - you'll have the worst of both worlds with that set up.

That would be a no from me!
If you could afford to buy a place plus pay for a London let, stands to reason you could buy something a little more expensive a bit closer to London. That would be preferable for me if I was in your position.

Oh dear. Agree with the other posters who think he doesn't really want to actually DO any of the actual parenting, because that's a woman's job right? WRONG. what about you OP, what about him splitting the night feeds, the early morning wake ups EVERY day for 1 to 2 years?

Being closer to your DH is critical. Being close to family is a good to have but not more important than his support.

You need to seriously rethink your priorities. What if you have a difficult birth? Need time to heal, or recuperate? He needs to acknowledge his life is about to turn upside down and his needs and wants are no longer the number 1 priority.

50k to support both of you and a let in London? Is he serious? Unless he's pulling in 6 figures he needs to look elsewhere, preferably near Manchester so he can actual be a decent dh and father to his child.

We did this because of a pre existing job. It was hell and my husband ended up handing in his notice when we realised the effect it was having on our eldest. That's before you take in to account the cost of the mental health impact on both of you - I was permanently shattered and stressed, my husband felt awful because he knew how hard I found it and couldn't help. It sounds minor but over the course of a few years we both really suffered. It also didn't really work financially for us and he was probably on more than your husband once you take benefits in to account.

Thank you all for each and every answer, yep that's a resounding NO from all of you! I'm glad I posted. Didn't expect so many replies so quickly. It helps me no end to have my feelings validated.

The funny thing is, after reading all your answers, I realise it's such a stupid problem we've made for ourselves!!!! We are so lucky to have jobs, supportive families and options, but ultimately its totally normal we might have to continue renting a while. Just as long as we can do the parenting together. I do believe doing part of it alone wouldn't suit me at all. It's possible were both subconsciously apprehensive about becoming parents and overthinking things.

I'll talk it through and be transparent about my feelings with OH. If anything, I've got 73 supporters over here if he were to need a 70th opinion ;)

I'll have to end on reiterating that he is a good guy through and through though, I know he'll be besotted with our little girl so I think that'll be a huge influence on our plans. To those of you who worried he might get sneaky with all that time alone... if you knew him you wouldn't jump to that conclusion! That's one thing I don't have to worry about. I'm more the outgoing stay out late one in the relationship if anything! I'll say again it genuinely comes from a place of not knowing what a newborn is like to live with. He does more than his fair share with chores and is actually the first person apart from my mum I've had to wait on me so attentively, so don't want to leave any of the more dramatic readings of his character in this thread unaddressed.

Thanks everyone x

Stay in London - there's tons to do with a new baby in every area of the city and weekend dad would be truly awful. You'll be so lonely and isolated.