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HV referred me to social services.

111 replies

HoneyNan · 29/07/2022 19:39

Hi everyone, il try and put this as brief as possible, I am a traveller, I married quite young and had a daughter but we divorced in Ireland when I was 22, I moved to UK and ended up remarrying (another traveller), a year and a half ago our relationship broke down and we separated for 4 months, within that 4 months we had a huge argument and he came to where I lived and broke the door and I called police, completely unacceptable I totally understand and very obviously a referral was done, social services phoned me, asked to call out, which they did and I was under assessment for 35 days but case was closed and never heard anything ever again, social worker was really lovely and had no concerns, fast forward 17 months, myself and my husband are back together a year, I am almost 8 months pregnant with baby number 3, my husband is brilliant, really hard worker and fantastic dad to both girls, bit lazy at home at times but I think most men are guilty of that lol, so what happened 17 months ago is well and truly forgotten, he broke my door handle with a kick and we said some horrible words and that was literally it, fast forward 17 months we are living in a new area in the UK (work reasons and better family support), HV called out almost two weeks ago, asked me loads of irrelevant questions, asked about my first husband and where he was, why my marriage ended, how did my family take it etc, also asked why I lived within the area I did and not on the travellers site, she also said “when you decide to go in to have this baby who is going to take your other two kids”, she was writing in a notebook as I was speaking, she asked a lot of questions about my 8 year old, also how I pay my rent, wanted to know my financial situation, she asked how many bedrooms were in my apartment and I told her only 1, that I was looking for somewhere bigger when new baby comes along, she looked absolutely disgusted and told me there isn’t enough space, my apartment is pretty big however it is only one bedroom, my two girls share a room and myself and my husband use a pull out sofa in the living room, we have a big utility room for our clothes and bits, she kept asking if I ever had social services involved or ever involved I said I had a referral over a year and a half ago and it was closed and I didn’t hear anymore, she told me she was going to contact social services to tie up and loose ends and make sure it was the truth, before she got up to leave she said to me and I quote “ok, well I’m going to go back to the office and contact childrens services as I told you, because you don’t want them calling out when you have your new baby, they have the power to remove children at the end of the day”, so I asked her what were her grounds for contacting them and why would they be calling out?? She said to me “oh they may not, but probably will”, I’ve no idea why they would have to call out to see me, there is no violence or cross words in my home, it’s spotless, my daughter is in school and both kids do lots of activities, my daughter plays with mostly settled children and my reason for being in an apartment was to raise my kids in a settled environment as I have lived on sites and travelling etc and I don’t like it, I try to do my best around my kids always, I am qualified to do lashes and I work from home about 2-3 days a week, she told me I wasn’t in a position to do that as it’s already too cramped here, anyways low and behold I got a phone call yesterday and it was a social worker, she received a referral from my health visitor stating that she had concerns about my relationship and a few other things, I had to explain everything on the phone and she luckily enough phoned back a few hours later to say she won’t be in touch again that she’s checked everything and has no concerns (thank god) my questions are, should I complain about the health visitor? I feel the questions were completely out of her dept, I felt interrogated, I felt so scared when she left thinking about social services arriving when new baby is here, for no reason, having to explain things, I just felt her questions were too much, she even asked what were sleeping arrangements if I stayed in a trailer, I’ve never been asked that by any health visitor before, I have a list of most of the things she asked me I haven’t put them all here, am I wrong? I’m seriously doubting myself, I don’t even know the first step to making a complaint and I don’t want to play the discrimination card because I am from travelling community, I know alot of others play on that. Just need advice really, thanks mums

OP posts:
MrsB902 · 30/07/2022 07:54

I work for the HV service and although I can appreciate that it must be very distressing to be referred to social services, it is standard practice if there has been any previous involvement from them. This is because we cannot take the word of parents that there are no current concerns or active support so need social services to confirm this.

As part of the antenatal visit the HV needs to build up a picture of whether the family may need any support and to do this it’s necessary to find out about relationship status, family dynamics, living conditions and financial situation. I have to say, I’ve worked with some brilliant HVs who are very sensitive and empathetic when carrying out this assessment but also some who have no tact and cause offence - it sounds like your HV is the latter!

I’m in no way defending your HVs attitude, just explaining why certain topics may have been covered during the visit. If you do feel that you want to complain, contact the head of service and ask to change HVs. It’s important that you have a good relationship with your HV so you feel comfortable approaching them if you do need support and it doesn’t sound as though you would be with your current HV.

Googlersanonymous · 30/07/2022 10:51

Your HV will have been aware of the health issues for travellers and she should have been prioritising building a relationship with you.
Domestic violence is a difficult issue to broach but she obviously had to do it. The comment about your baby being taken away was unnecessary and nasty so you should definitely pick up on this.
Are there any traveller advocate projects in your area as they may be helpful in negotiating alongside you to get helpful and respectful healthcare.

TemperTrap · 30/07/2022 11:03

I think it's not unreasonable for the HV to have some worries because of a previous DV incident and the fact that you have a lot of people in a small space but it sounds like she handled it really poorly.

She didn't explain well, and from what your describe she made lots of judgments without really understanding everything.

The incident with your husband is worrying because it demonstrates a volatility in him and in your relationship. I understand it's a one-off incident at the moment but what is known is that women are more vulnerable and DV often starts/increases during pregnancy and when there is a new baby.

So whilst she's not wrong to have some worries, I think she maybe needs some training about how to have conversations with people, how to address concerns in a sensitive and professional way.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/07/2022 11:14

CountessOfSponheim · 29/07/2022 19:56

If I were you I would probably stop short of a formal complaint (questions of exactly what she said and how she said it are going to boil down to your word against hers and the whole process would cause you additional stress) but I would officially ask the HV service to have a different HV assigned to you (technically seeing a HV at all is voluntary, but under the circumstances you've described I can see them escalating the situation if you try to cut off contact entirely) because your relationship with this one has irretrievably broken down.

this is sensible advice.

Remember nothing came of this OP, but you clearly feel judged by this woman, and prejudice against travellers is hardly unknown so you may well be right.

A watchful eye from your HV is inevitable due to previous DV, and it is their job to do that.

It sounds like you are doing a great job building a life for yourself, and ss can clearly see this.

I would ring up, explain that you felt some of your HVs questions and her general tone were inappropriate and you would like someone else.

And then I would forget about it. And fingers crossed for the house in November.

beachcitygirl · 30/07/2022 17:28

If Op doesn't complain, if women don't complain when they are racially profiled, then racist people like this HV are free to do this to another. Who knows, there may well already be complaints against her.
The OP does not deserve this.
The concern & questions re current situation is appropriate. Judgement about her being a traveller is not x

BeanieTeen · 30/07/2022 17:48

I can understand the HV line of enquiry to an extent because there was a history of SS involvement and domestic violence - but it does all sound very badly executed. She could have been less aggressive and judgemental in her manner, and certainly questions about why you don’t live in a travellers’ settlement are completely inappropriate. It’s not your first baby, you’ve obviously dealt with HV and other professionals before without issue - mine was lovely, I can’t imagine her talking to anyone in that way! If someone has concerns then they should sound concerned, not accusatory and suspicious - so I think you can trust your instincts that something was off here. I think good people’s skills are essential when working as a HV. She doesn’t have them. She made you feel uncomfortable and her line of enquiry into your traveller background didn’t seem right. I think that is worth reporting.

HoneyNan · 30/07/2022 22:26

I had this in the door today, thank god. Surely if there was cause for concern I would be assessed, also I’d like to make it very clear that my husband has NEVER been violent to me, he minds me and the kids like turtle doves, when we separated 17 months ago it was because we were disagreeing alot, yes he kicked the handle/lock off the door when he was leaving and that was it, he was NFA’d by police, people here are making out that I am dragging my kids around the UK and involved in a violent relationship when this is absolutely not the case, someone else stated why am I having another baby if I don’t have enough space, I am living here since April, I was already almost 5 months pregnant when previous landlord gave us our notice as I stated I had lived in the same 3 bedroom house for 4 years, this one bedroom is only short term until November.

HV referred me to social services.
OP posts:
HoneyNan · 30/07/2022 22:32

Barleysugar86 · 29/07/2022 23:22

What you mention about your little girls feet sounds a lot like how my parents described my walking before they discovered I had hip dysplasia. Is she running funny as well?

I'd push to see the GP asap for a referral for a hip scan if you haven't already to be on the safe side.

Hey,
yes she walks with her feet turned in and runs quite funny, she’s also extremely clumsy, HV wasn’t interested at all, I explained I am really worried, she said she will grow out of it or if I am so concerned to bring her to a GP, my GP surgery is one of these places that by 8.30am they have reached full capacity 🙄 so I thought it would be best to explain it to the HV, she starts in nursery next Tuesday, I am worried about her having a fall in there.

OP posts:
Hallamus · 30/07/2022 22:40

HV sounds like a nosy racist cow honestly. I don't know why people act like narrow-minded, prejudiced people never become health visitors, education officers etc - they do and can cause a lot of unwarranted damage. Some of what she asked crosses a line. You will find on MN that people are always very keen to defend HV even when they are clearly in the wrong, and they will prefer to doubt what you say than think your health visitor may be out of line.

Some of the comments on here are quite unpleasant too.

Do you have to engage with the health visitor? I know people are afraid of being referred to SS but since you have already spoken with them in your case I would be opting out of HV visits, this person doesn't sound like she's helping you. A complaint might take a lot of energy but OTOH it might be good to get on record some of what she has said.

DelilahBucket · 30/07/2022 23:35

I'm sorry but I cannot get past the fact you live in a one bed flat and you are having your THIRD child. This is not responsible by any stretch of the imagination. Your HV is right, there isn't enough space. Plus there is history of violence with your husband, so they are right to be cautious. You have returned to a violent man with two children (soon to become a three children) and you think you shouldn't have a referral to social services?!

CountessOfSponheim · 31/07/2022 11:31

DelilahBucket · 30/07/2022 23:35

I'm sorry but I cannot get past the fact you live in a one bed flat and you are having your THIRD child. This is not responsible by any stretch of the imagination. Your HV is right, there isn't enough space. Plus there is history of violence with your husband, so they are right to be cautious. You have returned to a violent man with two children (soon to become a three children) and you think you shouldn't have a referral to social services?!

OP has been quite explicit:

  • When she became pregnant, and for the first half of the pregnancy, she was living (and had been for several years) in a 3-bedroom house, but then she was given notice by that landlord.
  • From November she will again be living in a 3-bedroom property.
  • This one-bedroom property is a stopgap for a few months between 3-bedroom properties. They will only be there for a matter of weeks once new baby arrives.

Possibly if you'd taken a moment to "get past the fact you live in a one bed flat and you are having your THIRD child" you might have taken some of that on board.

lunar1 · 31/07/2022 12:02

Given the DV history I can see why some of the questions were needed.

However it sounds like she was trying to frighten and intimidate you.

I would take this further as I wouldn't want this HV involved with your family in the future.

HoneyNan · 31/07/2022 15:16

DelilahBucket · 30/07/2022 23:35

I'm sorry but I cannot get past the fact you live in a one bed flat and you are having your THIRD child. This is not responsible by any stretch of the imagination. Your HV is right, there isn't enough space. Plus there is history of violence with your husband, so they are right to be cautious. You have returned to a violent man with two children (soon to become a three children) and you think you shouldn't have a referral to social services?!

Take the time to read some of my replies where I have clear stated my circumstances, honestly, narrow minded overly privileged people here that don’t actually take the time to read anything!

OP posts:
Palg68 · 31/07/2022 15:29

I think the reason why the HV was digging is because you have a history and 17 months is not very long ago and your pregnant again. Perhaps she was rude on her tone but I can see the concerns.... only you know if they are none.

Your living circumstances are not ideal at all even with 2 kids and a one bedroom.

BungleandGeorge · 31/07/2022 15:30

She’s referred you because you’re new to the area, she won’t know your history or have seen your children much. Your husband has been charged with an act of violence against you and your property whilst your children were there. The questions she asked are relevant I can see it’s very uncomfortable and intrusive if you feel things are all ok now and it was a one off. But HV aren’t in a position to know or investigate whether things are ok, I can totally see why she thought someone needed to evaluate given the history. They’re just there to prevent harm to the kids and it’s a very difficult call to make. SS have looked into it and won’t be taking action so I would just let it go tbh.

AclowncalledAlice · 31/07/2022 17:02

I cannot believe the ignorance of some posters on here regarding the OP's living arrangements. Op was made homeless due to LL selling the house she previously lived in and is waiting for another which will be available in a few months time. If the council had put them up in a 1 bed flat for a few months before a house became available and she complained about it I'm betting those same posters would be telling her she should be grateful she has a roof over her head.
As for the HV, well the Sw's have closed the case so that should be the end of the matter, but for sure get her replaced OP. She has shown herself to be rude, judgemental and racist IMO.

DelilahBucket · 31/07/2022 17:18

It is nothing to do with being narrow minded and certainly not privilege (you are showing your own stupidity with that comment) OP. You have CHOSEN to have another child while living in a one bedroom flat with three others already. By your own admittance you are only in a one bed because it's all you have been able to afford. Why on earth do you think having another child is a good decision for that child or your others? How are you suddenly going to be able to afford a bigger house in November? Yes, sure, your landlord says etc etc, but that is not a guarantee (it may go to someone else, it may not become available, the landlord may decide they can get more money for it) and you said you've already had a rent increase in your current place under that same landlord. November is a long way away when you have already decided to have another child, with a man who has been charged for DV on top.

yougotthelook · 31/07/2022 17:43

DelilahBucket · 31/07/2022 17:18

It is nothing to do with being narrow minded and certainly not privilege (you are showing your own stupidity with that comment) OP. You have CHOSEN to have another child while living in a one bedroom flat with three others already. By your own admittance you are only in a one bed because it's all you have been able to afford. Why on earth do you think having another child is a good decision for that child or your others? How are you suddenly going to be able to afford a bigger house in November? Yes, sure, your landlord says etc etc, but that is not a guarantee (it may go to someone else, it may not become available, the landlord may decide they can get more money for it) and you said you've already had a rent increase in your current place under that same landlord. November is a long way away when you have already decided to have another child, with a man who has been charged for DV on top.

Who the hell are you to call the OP stupid?!
And how dare you make massive assumptions about her and her life choices.
She wasn't seeking judgement from narrow minded bigots like yourself, she was looking for reassurance.
OP you sound absolutely lovely, your HV was completely out of order.
I'd opt out of future HV visits, and definitely consider raising a formal complaint against her. I agree with you, she was being a nosy cow.
Congratulations on your third baby, sending you lots of love x

MsTSwift · 31/07/2022 17:58

Your family sounds at absolute full stretch financially and space wise so sorry I also cannot understand the thought process in adding in another child to this scenario.

Palg68 · 31/07/2022 18:11

BungleandGeorge · 31/07/2022 15:30

She’s referred you because you’re new to the area, she won’t know your history or have seen your children much. Your husband has been charged with an act of violence against you and your property whilst your children were there. The questions she asked are relevant I can see it’s very uncomfortable and intrusive if you feel things are all ok now and it was a one off. But HV aren’t in a position to know or investigate whether things are ok, I can totally see why she thought someone needed to evaluate given the history. They’re just there to prevent harm to the kids and it’s a very difficult call to make. SS have looked into it and won’t be taking action so I would just let it go tbh.

I doubt t it's because OP is new to the area. It's probably flagged up as an "safe guarding" alert. I've never had any HV come to my house...before the baby was born. I saw one twice after DS was born at my house and that's it. They do ask about your support network it's their duty of care.

SpinTail · 31/07/2022 18:17

I've never had any HV come to my house...before the baby was born. I saw one twice after DS was born at my house and that's it. They do ask about your support network it's their duty of care.

@Palg68 Very normal in most areas to have a HV visit before baby is born. Usually once before and once after birth. I didn’t get my ‘before’ visit because DS arrived early. I had two visits after because I did look a bit flustered and seemed to have first baby shell shock during the first one… she kindly offered to pop round again if I wanted her to and I happily agreed.

AclowncalledAlice · 31/07/2022 18:35

DelilahBucket · 31/07/2022 17:18

It is nothing to do with being narrow minded and certainly not privilege (you are showing your own stupidity with that comment) OP. You have CHOSEN to have another child while living in a one bedroom flat with three others already. By your own admittance you are only in a one bed because it's all you have been able to afford. Why on earth do you think having another child is a good decision for that child or your others? How are you suddenly going to be able to afford a bigger house in November? Yes, sure, your landlord says etc etc, but that is not a guarantee (it may go to someone else, it may not become available, the landlord may decide they can get more money for it) and you said you've already had a rent increase in your current place under that same landlord. November is a long way away when you have already decided to have another child, with a man who has been charged for DV on top.

Did you miss the bit where the OP said she was pregnant BEFORE she moved, so was in a 3 bed house when she conceived?. Did you also miss the bit where OP said the police NFA'd the incident with the door?

When it comes to showing stupidity best check your own before commenting about others.

kitcat15 · 31/07/2022 18:39

AclowncalledAlice · 31/07/2022 18:35

Did you miss the bit where the OP said she was pregnant BEFORE she moved, so was in a 3 bed house when she conceived?. Did you also miss the bit where OP said the police NFA'd the incident with the door?

When it comes to showing stupidity best check your own before commenting about others.

The police can’t NFA an incident..only childrens services

Isahlo · 31/07/2022 18:41

She sounds like a bloody racist.
hope you’re alright
jist wanted to check as you said you wanted to be somewhere bigger, have you registered with the local council in your new place for a spot on the social housing register? Thanks

AclowncalledAlice · 31/07/2022 18:44

kitcat15 · 31/07/2022 18:39

The police can’t NFA an incident..only childrens services

Yes they can. if somebody has been arrested but there is no/not enough evidence then the police will take No Further Action against that person.