Hug / kiss consent

[GT22]

Seeing this pop up on my Facebook a lot lately. My DS is nearly turning 1 so I'm assuming I'll start to get this problem soon.
We are going to tell DS that it is okay to refuse kisses and hugs and encourage high 5's if that's what he is more comfortable with. I'm just wondering what other parents usually do when a family member or friend is really encouraging on hugs and kisses.
So for example if DS said "no" and then said family member done the old "aw but I'm sad now you've made me upset" to try and trick them into it. How do you respond to that and tell that person not to be so entitled?

I've always been lead by the child and would be horrified if an adult did this! Even my DParents are child led and they grew up in a time when it was expected you kissed and/or hugged close relatives.

I just say 'he's not really a hugger'.

My family never instigate hugs and kisses, always follows my child’s lead. If she wants comfort or just a random hug/kiss the. They’ll oblige. For example if she falls and hurts, they’ll offer her a hug, if she’s says no that’s fine. She usually says yes.

At home is the same, I only ever offer, I never ask her and when she does say no I always that’s ok, and that she doesn’t NEED to hug or kiss anyone if she doesn’t WANT to.

I only ever had someone try and ‘guilt’ her into a kiss once. She said no, they said “aw why not? Please give me a kiss”

I said “she’s ok, were practicing consent and if you guilt or coerce her then you’re undoing all our hard work” of course.. was told I was being silly and she’ll ‘naturally’ learn consent as she grows up! - a bit annoying but it put a bad enough taste in the air that they didn’t bother forcing a kiss out of her 😂

I've had this a few times and just say to my daughter (although I'm actually saying it to the adult) "don't worry it's fine if you don't want to". If it's pushed I've thrown in a "your body your choice!" In a 'half joking but not really' way. I'm quite a pushover but I've found this weirdly easy to navigate as it just seems absurd to make a child kiss / hug someone they don't want to. If all else fails scoop them up and say "maybe next time!" As you're headed out the door.

I'm dreading the day it happens as I find it hard to bite my tongue and DP's family are quite pushy and forward! Our DS is very active baby and they insist on having "nanny cuddles" everytime they see him and try and hold him like a newborn which he hates I'm just waiting for the time to come when they insist on hugs and kisses!

Thank you for your responses

If I want to hug DS1 I always say, "Permission to hug?"
And he'll (mostly) reply, "Granted!"

But he's 22! 😂

Another mumsnet alternate universe. Nobody in real life is at all bothered by their in laws hugging and kissing their grandchildren, without signing a consent form first.

Following as although DD is only 12 weeks I will be looking to implement something similar. My parents never made me hug / kiss anyone (but I did when I wanted to) and I always used to find it awkward when young children were made to hug / kiss me.

My ILs have no boundaries when it comes up this sort of thing (or anything really) and I want to teach DD that she doesn’t have to do anything like that she doesn’t want to.

Of course I will teach her to be polite and say please, thank you etc, but she doesn’t have to give cuddles and kisses constantly.

I haven’t seen anything on Facebook, are there any pages I should be following? Keen to share something so my ILs are aware of my stance in advance!

I would have thought the same until I had kids and met my inlaws. It's not just a quick hug and a kiss, it's a full-on embrace and they don't read the signals when the kids try to wriggle away.
I was made to hug and kiss creepy uncles as a child and it's not something I'd encourage my kids to do if they weren't keen!

It's more that if a child doesn't want to they don't have to.

I always ask my son if he'd like a cuddle or 'can mummy have a kiss?' and if he says no, I just say to him 'that's okay, you don't have to'.

I've done it infront of family members and friends and most have followed my lead on it. The only person who doesn't really pay attention and does the whole 'give me a kiss' and 'aww I'm sad now' is MIL. If it happens when I'm around and DS has said no and she's still going I'll just say 'he doesn't want to, he's said no. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you'. It earns me a look👀but she stops at that point.

There was one time she kept going and had actually picked him up and was trying to land a kiss on the lips, and he put his hand in her face, pushed it backwards and shouted No. I think she got the message after that 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think if you model it in front of people, most will get it. For those that don't or chose to ignore, then be your kids' advocate and step in politely but firmly and explain your kid has said no or doesn't want to.

m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0UWDhgwjqUP37xxa9TSi2jfzUjUp69kFbTMieyXcxEbqyaQ7Qc9j6TpsJVVgyhzrql&id=316489315054055

So are you not teaching your children that it's ok to say no when people want to touch them?

@GT22 I hear you with the nanny cuddles, MIL comments on every social media photo with something like “I can’t wait to give you a nanny cuddle and big kiss” and it makes my skin crawl. Because I know the woman it’s just disrespectful and ignorant.

Thank you @POTC !

@Whippet hahaha I love this

So you tell your kids them must hug and kiss anyone who wants to hug and kiss them even if THEY don't want it?

I'm fully team "they don't kiss unless they want to" but why is it disrespectful and ignorant of a grandparent to say they cuddles and kisses? Not sure if you're implying she forces your child to or you just don't want her touching your child because you don't like her

I never made my dc hug or kiss anyone they didn't want to. Much to my Nanny's disgust.

Now that I've got little niblings I ask and if they say no then that's fine. I might say "how about a high five instead?" But they can say no to that too.
My youngest niece (4) has nearly always said no to a hug. Occasionally I'd get one of those 'half hug things'. Then a few months ago she came and sat next to me and said "Auntie File, you can hug me if you want". She didn't move for an entire movie. It was so lovely. And all on her terms.

You can’t teach children bodily autonomy if you caveat it by prioritising other peoples feelings over your child’s wishes. And it’s never too early to start.

It can be a big issue if you know people who think emotional blackmail is okay, most of us do.

DD spontaneously hugs some people, the ones who don’t push it usually, and doesn’t even want to high five others, she’s happy blowing kisses most of the time so no contact at all but a still a greeting.

I had a nightmare with one family member who tried to wrestle DD out of my arms when she was about 18 months and freaked out by people after lockdown and then proceeded to chase her round the room on several occasions saying “why won’t you give me a hug, now I’m sad”. Pathetic and weird. I said very firmly “she doesn’t want to hug you, please leave her alone” and dealt with the tantrum that followed.

Some people are selfish and care about what they want or think they’re owed more than what the child wants and in those cases it’s your job to step in a deal with it appropriately whatever the consequences. If someone is upsetting your child you never bite your tongue, you say and do whatever’s needed and that might mean a woman in her 60s throwing a tantrum like happened to me but that’s okay, your child is more important!

I feel this way too. My older dc are late 20s, when they were little if they wanted to hug or kiss they did if they didn't want to they didn't. We never had to make a big deal about it. I don't know any grown ass adult irl that would say they 'are sad' if a child didn't want to kiss them, but maybe I am incredibly lucky to be surrounded by normal people.

@SleepingStandingUp I don’t like her because she has no boundaries and has behaved appallingly in the past, She has already broken my ‘no kissing’ rule and given a load of offensive and unsolicited advice so I’m pre-empting her forcing DD to hug/kiss and want to prevent it.

@FilePhoto and that’s so lovely, because she wanted to and it was genuine 😊

So for example if DS said "no" and then said family member done the old "aw but I'm sad now you've made me upset" to try and trick them into it. How do you respond to that and tell that person not to be so entitled?

MIL does this. But DS is pretty assertive and actually quite mischievous about it so doesn’t need my help. When she’s desperate for a cuddle and the more she goes on about it he goes over and hugs his grandad (FIL) who isn’t pestering him. DS is actually very affectionate. It’s basically a child trying to train an adult - but my MIL isn’t understanding the lesson. She always looks a bit miffed when I don’t step in to help. But so be it.

I wish I'd done this with my DS when he was little. I ask him consent for everything now, including going into his room, posting a picture or photo of him (which is usually met with no way)

Obviously not 🙄

the question was about relatives.

Honestly you’re giving your kids more anxiety by making out a kiss and cuddle with Grandma is somehow a sinister boundary overstep designed to violate their bodily autonomy.