Hug / kiss consent

[GT22]

Seeing this pop up on my Facebook a lot lately. My DS is nearly turning 1 so I'm assuming I'll start to get this problem soon.
We are going to tell DS that it is okay to refuse kisses and hugs and encourage high 5's if that's what he is more comfortable with. I'm just wondering what other parents usually do when a family member or friend is really encouraging on hugs and kisses.
So for example if DS said "no" and then said family member done the old "aw but I'm sad now you've made me upset" to try and trick them into it. How do you respond to that and tell that person not to be so entitled?

That's exactly what spontaneous affection is.

I'd say your example was comforting, not spontaneous affection. And yes, consent should still be given. Sometimes when I'm sad i don't want a hug. Sometimes I do. Why would a child be any different?

This is a peak, classic example of how too much introspection is actually contributing to poor mental health in children, not preventing it.

I don’t know any healthy and well balanced adult that ‘establishes consent’ before hugging their injured child. Do you ‘establish consent’ before kissing your friend hello? Reaching for your husband’s hand? Of course you bloody don’t.

this thread is absolutely mad and I only hope that the kids will grow up to see there is a world of difference between Nanny bending down and giving you a quick kiss without ‘asking first’, and being preyed upon in an inappropriate manner.

@Wouldloveanother but what about when children are asked to hug and kiss people when they don’t want to? This happens all the time and I think this thread has derailed a bit from that.

This 100% . I've only ever come across this on Mumsnet. Never in real life. It really doesn't matter.

You can relax a bit. It doesn't have to be a huge thing and you don’t have to go all in. I agree with you, and I've also contended with the “do you have a boyfriend” stuff with a very young child, and “hit them back”, that type of stuff that a parent may not agree with but other family members find cute.

You can't expect people to change their ways quickly just because we don’t agree, some are deeply ingrained. I don't freak out about this but I focus on my child so if someone says something to them like this I tell the child ‘you don't have to’ and my child has capitulated also but I just let it go and reiterate my side.

But I let things slide and we have a big family and I give people the benefit of the doubt.

Agree wholeheartedly!!

Our DD (2) is sometimes asked by us "can I have a kiss/love (hug)?" Mostly she says yes and gives us a big hug along with "awww" from her. Other times she says "kiss, love later" and we respect that and say okay no problem.

My parents and sis/brother respect her wishes and follow what we do, DP's sisters are a flippin' nightmare and are right in her face from the moment we meet up. No wonder she is scared of them 😂😂

From a different point of view I find my husband's family weird because they never embrace each other and are so formal it makes my skin crawl!!.
I have never seen my MIL kiss or cuddle any of her grandchildren and she actually said that' our family do not do affection '
There should be a compromise somewhere!

I often feel that Mumsnet is an alternative universe, but not in this case. Children should never be forced/ persuaded to have physical contact with anyone, relative or not. As a grandparent I respect my DGC choices of whether to hug/kiss or not.

Well this thread got blown up in a different way to what I thought
My initial posts were more about how to manage situations when your child is being made to feel guilty when they say no to doing something they don't want to do. It's not about "signing forms" and giving "formal consent" to hug or kiss- that's been blown out of proportion.
As I mentioned MIL who doesn't really see DS that often insists on cuddling him like a newborn which he hates and she holds him even though he gets whiny because she says it's "nanny cuddles".
Maybe some of you lucky MN's were never made to feel uncomfortable as a child. I certainly remember being told to go and hug or kiss certain aunties/uncles/cousins that I'd see maybe once a year and I felt uncomfortable doing so but you go along with it because that's what you were told. I think nowadays even young kids are aware they can say no if they want to.

Me too, only on Mumsnet do people imagine a post and then declare it ridiculous.

Consent is a principle not a procedure. Anyone who posts these incredulous posts is part of the problem.

FFS people are thick.

DD falls over and is sobbing. I go over and put my arms around her. She doesn't pull away or say no, we've previously established she likes a hug when she's sad or hurt. All good.

We're out in the world and she's a tween. I go for a hug. I get a look. I stop.

We're in bed watching a film. I stroke her hair, she smiles. All good.

No written contracts, no verbal consent. You just follow your kid's lead.

I know someone who was systematically sexually abused by her grandfather over the course of several years. Too fucking right even family members respect consent in my house. DD doesn't like to hug FIL because she doesn't see him that much. She doesn't have to.

Exactly this!

Just to put a different sort of perspective on this thread. Was out shopping with DS and in laws today. DS was in chest carrier the whole time, really content and happy to have a nose around. He stated to get grizzly on the return back to the train so FIL held him for a while whilst we sorted tickets etc..
I then took DS back into the chest carrier and MIL asked did she want me to have him, I explained that he is likely to go to sleep in the chest carrier so it's easier if I just put him back in so if he does sleep I can still quickly get off on my stop (they get off later than my stop). She said okay but then a few minutes later asked if I was sure. Again I said no I am okay. By the time we got to the next stop she had asked again! He then made a small cry and she went to take him off me? As if I hadn't just said no. I said I'm okay thank you and so is he. She then said "aw but I only held him for about 5 minutes today" the guilt trip certainly isn't going to work with me sorry love!! To sleep in the chest carrier he went and they didn't speak to me the whole way home.
(For all those who are about to say I don't like my MIL...not the case, we do get along but I find her over powering and doesn't really like being told no)

Oh God, not another one! These children are going to be absolutely screwed when they grow up. You are raising children who believe they are absolutely the centre of the universe and everyone must dance around them. How can 30 children in a classroom all be the centre of the universe.
And as for the post above thus one, when did the mere act of having a baby - which let's not forget is unique or special - turn women into the aggressive know-it-alls that regularly turn up on here? It's as if they have waited all their lives to be In Charge and this is their opportunity.

Having a baby is neither unique nor special, that should say. Got carried away in my rant!

I mean, if you're worried about people being aggressive you might want to have a look at your posting style 😬

Chill.

What are you talking about? How is teaching kids that they have a right to body autonomy the same as teaching them they are the centre of the universe?

@GT22 you are doing fab. Spot on. Ignore the critics.

Raising children who both have respect and autonomy for their bodies.