Hug / kiss consent

[GT22]

Seeing this pop up on my Facebook a lot lately. My DS is nearly turning 1 so I'm assuming I'll start to get this problem soon.
We are going to tell DS that it is okay to refuse kisses and hugs and encourage high 5's if that's what he is more comfortable with. I'm just wondering what other parents usually do when a family member or friend is really encouraging on hugs and kisses.
So for example if DS said "no" and then said family member done the old "aw but I'm sad now you've made me upset" to try and trick them into it. How do you respond to that and tell that person not to be so entitled?

‘Touch them’ ffs, there’s a difference between a kiss from Granny and letting some old perv at a bus stop cuddle them. And you know it.

Erm, no? I literally just meant touch them, not abuse them. I think everyone has the right not to be touched when they don't want to be if its avoidable.

It is a boundary overstep if they don't want to do it and they are made to.

But why should the adults wishes overrule that of the child. I have never ever been a touchy feely with anyone person so I totally get that the child should have a choice.

And you seem to be the one with issues if you think "touch" always means "abuse"

This 🖕

That’s what’s clearly being inferred. Don’t try and make out it was all in my head!

I have 2 step grandchildren and don't automatically hug or kiss them...I wait for them to OK it

Just because you inferred it doesn't mean I implied it, it was all in your head, and considering what the subject was it was a really weird leap to make. I think we should teach children that they don't have to put up with any sort of touch if they don't like it, not just abusive touch.

Because the child is only probably averse to normal, healthy interaction if their parents have needlessly made it a source of anxiety and neuroses.

If DD is having a tantrum she won’t hug her Granny (and probably won’t hug me either). Do I make her? No.
However if Granny has just come over to visit, I don’t say ‘Now it’s your choice DD, you don’t have to give Granny a cuddle, it’s your body and your decision’. That would just cause her needless confusion. Granny just comes over and gives her a kiss and a cuddle and it’s no big deal 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yeah of course it was 🙄

Toddler DD doesn’t like having her nappy changed. Are you saying I should never change her?

I actually said earlier "if it's avoidable" Stop being a disingenuous arse

No one here is saying they do that though? They are just saying if granny asks for a hug and the kid doesn't want to they support them in that.

Do,all the parents who instigate a no touch/ hug policy from a child, also have it to the child? Seems awfully one way. Permissions must be verbally given for physical contact, or not sought unless the child instigates it........ but the same isn't expected of the child? They can instigate what they want, when they want, and that's good, just not the same back from the adults in their lives?

Granny shouldn’t have to ask, she just walks over and gives DD a kiss.

Yep. Young niblings love to be on/ touching my teens. Sometimes teens don't want this. So we tell the little ones that they have to leave teens alone.
And when my own teens were small I would Sometimes tell them "I Don don't want a hug right now. Maybe later"
They don't seem to be affected by it.

But we do teach children that? We teach children not to kick, hit, bite, poke people/animals in the eyes. I've taught mine not to tickle me because I don't like it, and I'm teaching her to respect her friends personal spaces.

Ds is 4 and he's a big hugger/kisser which is gorgeous, but we're lead by him. When leaving grandparents for example we will say "have you got a cuddle for xyz?" If he says no then that's no problem. If anyone were to.say "aw now I'm sad" I would remind them in front of ds that ds doesn't have to kiss/cuddle if he doesn't want to and that we don't guilt people into affection.

Likewise I'll say "can I have a kiss", if ds says no sometimes ill say "OK can I kiss you?" And be led by him then too.

We talk a lot about boundaries, especially as ds is quite an active child - so we will explain that if his friend doesn't like something (play fight/holding hands/ prolonged cuddles etc) then it's their body and we listen. And I'll try to relate it to a time when ds asked for the same so he has some context ("remember when xyz was chasing you and you didn't like it? We told them to stop because we listen to peoples dislikes").

You do realise the most likely “perv” in a child’s life will be a relative don’t you? So children always need to feel confident enough to say no to any physical contact they don’t want, regardless of who it is.

Equating an optional physical interaction want of an adult to a care need, i.e. nappy change is ridiculous.

I brought both mine up to exercise body autonomy and it serves them well. In schools they also learn it as part of child protection.

Amazingly decades later my MIL got it when a family member started working in child protection.

I just say very loudly "That's ok X you don't have to if you don't want to" and they lay off. My mum initially kept trying to guilt my son into it, saying "well nanny got kisses last time so you can give nanny a kiss this time". But she soon stopped when she realised what I was hinting at.

This.
The world has gone fuckin mad.

Doesn't surprise me that some posts are saying grandparents don't need consent.
It's the same dangerous thinking that leads people to consider that husbands don't need consent and martial rape is not a thing.

Back to the OP, if relatives really do the" I'm sad/upset" routine then that's the perfect example to teach your children that other people are entitled to their feelings, but your children are Only responsible for their own feelings.
So if someone is upset then you can model a healthy response on their behalf and say "oh that understandable but I hope you feel better soon" or similar.

If they actually try to do it without permission that's much more tricky, you can encourage your child's natural protective response of pushing them away/shouting/getting away, but I'm also interested in responses there.

Doesn't surprise me that some posts are saying grandparents don't need consent. It's the same dangerous thinking that leads people to consider that husbands don't need consent and martial rape is not a thing.

ok, this thread is officially nuts.