My children are like wild animals

[TiredYorkshireMam]

Don't really know what I'm after here, just having a moan. I know I'm being mardy but I'm having a bad day / week.

I have a 5 year old who is ok on his own, and a 2.5 year old who is hard work on his own, just because of his age. But together, omg they are like a pack of wild animals.

Just had a big shop delivered. They pounced all over it like a pack of hyenas. Toilet rolls and bread squashed to buggery. Packets ripped open, things dragged all over the house.

House is always a tip. Can never find anything. Just so much junk and toys. We moved 1.5 years ago to a bigger house but it's still too small because of all the crap. I keep trying to get rid of stuff but they run around at the back of me pulling stuff out bags and dragging it back into their rooms. Trying to do it when they are not here, but they are always here. I'm either working or I'm looking after them, I don't get time away from them.

5 year old started football club a while ago. Got him pair of secondhand boots about a month ago. Brought them home, put them on side - haven't seen them since. Just vanished. Will be under a mountain of crap somewhere no doubt but that's been a month now and no sign.

They are always screeching to do things and for me to set up games etc, but they lose interest almost as soon as it's set up, or they just start fighting.

They are having their dinner just now. 5 year old is a good eater but 2.5 yo won't sit on his arse. Constantly getting up and running about. Eventually I sat down to have my own dinner and he starts screaming and grabbing at the food in my mouth same food as is on his plate.

Had planned to take them swimming this afternoon as 5 yo has been asking for ages but can't find swim suits. Not where I put them.

It's my mams birthday on Monday and I'd put her present on the table ready to be wrapped. They were painting at the other end of the table yesterday and spilled the cup of water for their brushes but didn't tell me, so my mams present is sodden as the water has ran across the table and seeped under it.

They are always running about screeching and crying, but they won't just play together, they follow me room to room, grabbing at me and climbing on me, and I feel like I can't just get a minute alone with my thoughts.

They fight a lot and knock lumps out each other and I feel like I am constantly refereeing them. I feel like they feed off my stress and involvement so I think Im just going to have to leave them to it to fight it out amongst themselves.

They have me and my husband run ragged and I do feel they feed off it and we need to stop. It's just so unpleasant in our house, so much screaming and unhappiness (they have nothing to be unhappy about, they have pretty good lives).

2.5 yo screeching and whinging just goes through me like a dagger. If he sees something he wants, like an apple or something, he will immediately start screeching and screaming for it. Omg, you can have it, it's not an issue, just take it, have it, you don't have to screech at me!!!

I just feel so drained. I don't like the parent I am. Sometimes I put the tv on and end up shouting at them "just watch the tv!!!! Just sit down and zip it, for 5 minutes!" because I just cannot cope with them running around me, screeching and grabbing at me all day.

I find being at home impossible so we usually try to get up and out, but we are waiting on a plumber this morning so are stuck here until 2ish. And to be honest I find being out just as hard for other reasons. The 2.5 yo has no sense of danger and it is so stressful. They also never eat / drink when they are supposed to and they screech that they are hungry : thirsty or the 5 yo will need the loo, at the most inopportune moment, and I'm so physically tired of dragging myself around laden down with bags and snacks and bikes and scooters.

Sorry, that really was a moan. I'm just so bored of it all

Unfortunately the layout of our house means that their bedrooms are right next to the front door. So shopping arriving at night would wake them up.

We are hoping to extend / reconfigure the house so that it works better for us because things like this are frustrating.

They sound like they need lots of physical movement op you have the right idea taking them out as often as possible I try to do the same with my lot. Is your husband around when the shopping arrives? Can you plan for it to be delivered when he's there and he can take the kids in the garden or for a walk so you can unpack in peace? I know it's hard but try not to compare lives with other parents and their kids everyone is different and some people have more challenging kids than others, I get it believe me I do find it hard having to pre empt everything too and have often compared our lives to that of our friends when it seems easier for them. for example my friends little fella just goes to bed at night straight to sleep etc I have to lay with Ds for three hours before he will eventually fall asleep! Have you much family support? do you and your husband ever get any time to yourselves?

Your friends with well behaved kids have not got there by accident. They have worked hard at getting their kids to listen to them and give them boundaries. It's not easy but they havnt given in to every whim or scream and just given them then their own way. They havnt pretended their kids just don't respond like other kids and given up They have gone through the hard work so they don't behave like wild animals can you not see that !

I laughed outloud at your post. Sounds like my days.. I have 3.. 4, 3 and a 2 year old. I refer to them as a " gang". Wild. I try too to stay calm but holy shit.. they're wild.

You need to set up order and routine.

Routine is better than 'discipline' or consequences if they know expectations through routine you don't need much discipline.

It sounds like, for lots of reasons, you've lost the ability to provide the order and routine adults should provide for children to help them understand expectations learn social rules and establish the family culture you want.

You need to really work with your DH to set this up.

Sort out the house. Provide some order on where things go and where we put things and when.
A chaotic environment will led to chaotic behaviour.

Then start to introduce crystal clear routines. Start with one aspect of the day eg morning or bedtime. Or shopping arrival even! Work to embed this one routine through consistency and repetition, once they got that work on the next one.

It will be hard work but not as hard as living with how it sounds at the moment.

"Your friends with well behaved kids have not got there by accident."

Kids vary. If you met mine you'd think her well behaved. Home is her safe space where she can stop masking.

OP - have you seen the PANDA principles from the PDA Society? Quite useful.

Routine and order and something each day/each week to keep the main parent and the couple going, are definitely important though.

I can really relate to what the OP says about thinking ahead. The last 10 years for me has been like playing chess and when I disclose to friends what's happened at bad times, they're generally horrified. The conversation usually starts 'oh yes, my DC was like that blah blah blah' and it quickly transpires they have no clue!

The pulling the boxes out.

I guess you need to store stuff out of reach so they are very restricted on what is available to them and relies on you to get the relevant box and means you can instigate tidy away before more comes out.

We had a very small house for 4 DC so we makes use of ceiling level storage perhaps that's worth trying?

Op, I totally get where you're coming from. I have a 3 year old and 1 year old and life is just total chaos. 3 year old is also being assessed for adhd. I'm totally drained.

You need boundaries, and consequences for bad behaviour. What did you do when they were pulling the shopping around the house?!

You and your h need to be on the same page with this. Strict rules for how they ask for things, not fighting, etc.

It will feel as if you spend your life saying no and repeating yourself for a bit, but that gets easier with time.

Get your h to take the kids one day at the weekend and have a clear-out when they're out?

Have a place for everything. That way you know where things are. Get the kids used to putting things away in their place too.

Goodness, like this remind me what a wild place MN can be.

You do not know more about my life and kids, and my friends lives and kids, based upon a few paragraphs that I've written.

"Can you not see that?!"

Blimey

Thank you, I feel like you understand where I am coming from.

I will look up the PANDA principles.

I find some of the posts assuming that all kids are the same quite tiresome. My kids are incredibly sociable and affectionate with everybody and generally pretty well behaved, albeit boisterous, when out and about. My friends kids behaviours vary wildly, some have a lot of problems, some are very easy going kids and actually, yes, sometimes it does appear to be chance.

What an unpleasant, unnecessary and ill-informed post.

Always found it odd when people dish out advice /criticism online to strangers and turn nasty when their advice doesn't resonate.

It's never really possible to understand a situation accurately from a few posts on an online forum. But some people get closer to it than others. What you're saying just isn't really hitting the mark, which is ok, as I say, it is very hard to understand someone's situation from a few paragraphs they write online, but for that reason I just don't see any value or relevance in what you are saying, so I'm happy to leave it there and don't see the need to engage further.

But parenting isn’t always about creating fun, it’s about moulding happy, healthy and responsible adults. Teaching tidying is part of parenting- a dull, never ending part but an important part.

Yes, and the point with ADHD kids is that the normal methods for teaching tidying/organisation/life admin don’t work. Kids like them actually need more ‘fun’ (and physical activity) than NT kids, and routine needs to be built up little by little because they can only process one or two short ‘must do’ tasks before their brains get restless. It’s less ‘moulding’ and more ‘cutting the gemstone’ IME.

That panda link is very interesting and I realize i do a lot of what it says on a daily basis.

It still says to agree non negotiable boundaries though.

Well yes, I don't imagine any of us are going to quarrel with boundaries like 'we don't run into the road', or 'we don't spit at people', right?

I have managed to teach my daughter things like packing for holiday, getting the right ingredients out for simple recipes and some approaches for music practice. We're still working on "tidying up" which is quite a complicated skill in some ways. She's normally lost focus by the te we've done the activity.

Recently I've been making Lego kits with her as those are great for figuring out instructions, correcting mistakes and not losing crucial parts. She can make complex constructions in Minecraft no tidying needed).

The book 'Smart But Scattered' is a useful read for helping kids break down tasks into comprehensible steps.

If it encourages anyone, I had a 16 year old in my tutor group this year who has really significant processing difficulties and she was the most incredibly patient and kind helper with year 7 Lego club 🙂.

OP; This thread is hitting home to me as one of my best friends Abi is having issues with her 5 year old boy. She's divorced, her 3 year old is quite a good little boy who can be entertained with a dvd but the 5 year old is wild.
Basically when I was last round there he attacked me while she was upstairs for 5 minutes - I was kicked, punched & headbutted. Shouting stop it & pushing him away had no effect.

Abi apologised profusely but I didn't feel safe until I left soon after as he would not leave me alone.
I don't have children but my other friends children & his own brother don't behave like that - he deliberately broke her sunglasses, they have plastic cups as he can't be trusted with glass, he attacks his brother, he pulls furniture over, and destroys things, he climbs on the kitchen worktops and pulls everything out including knives.
Social services are involved due to domestic violence issues with the father. The school have said he should be assessed for adhd, but Abi is so stressed and now mentally unwell herself I'm not sure that will get done??
I personally feel he's on the ASD spectrum as although he is very intelligent he has speech issues.

Abi is too busy focusing on her ex husband to think about her son's issues.

Abi now wants me to stay over there but if I'm honest I don't trust her son at all. There are no locks on any doors or cupboards.
I'm scared of a 5 year old which is sad really as he can also be a lovely child at times.

I feel I need to help my friend as she has always been a good friend when I've had my problems. Any suggestions??

Kids can be really awful. Don't let it get you down. The more angry and fed up you get, the worse they'll behave.

FWIW they don't really want the game set up. They just want to be with you (hence why they lose interest instantly). I would aim for some really easy, low-stress outings, where the focus isn't on what you're doing, it's just on being together.

My favourite family activities usually involve going somewhere I can sit down (everything's easier when you're sitting down) and the kids can just run around me! A "picnic" (bag of crisps, packet of biscuits, apple) in the park, no long walk that no one wants to do, a big bottle of bubble mixture, maybe take a couple of books ("look, that's a picture of a daisy. Who can find me THREE daisies!") lots of fake laughing to set the tone- job's a good'un.

@SommerTen oh my goodness that sounds horrific

I'm sorry, I have no suggestions on how to deal with that. That's a whole other league to what I'm dealing with and I think the poor lad and his mum do need help from social services or something and I am very glad to hear that they are getting it.

My boys are never intentionally violent. It is play fighting and it is mainly with each other. They are not rough with other kids and when they are rough with me they don't really mean it. It's generally just horse play but it often ends in tears because they just get carried away.

I am very sorry to hear your friends boy is struggling. Possibly due to the divorce? Hopefully they get the support they need.

Thank you @BlueMumDays.

And yes, I agree very much with what you are saying.

Some of the best days we have had lately have been very low-key but very spontaneous. They love their scooters and as we were coming back from football they saw a little lad on his scooter and asked if they could get theirs. So we grabbed their scooters and headed back out and were out all day. Scooted so far that we found somewhere for tea while we were out and then had to jump on the bus to get home again - very tired but very happy.

Whereas if I had tried to plan that, it wouldn't have worked. The 2.5 yo doesn't really know what's going on, but the 5 year old would have got too worked up.

He really looks forwards to things but then will quite often have a bit of a meltdown beforehand. I don't know if it's nerves / anxiety or just over excitement but it can be hard. I quite often have to keep plans from him because if I say "you have a play date with X next week" or "we are going to Y next week" he will get himself totally hyped up about it and it can just be so stressful.

I'm a bit like that myself to be honest-I'm better just getting up and doing something before I've had a chance to talk myself out of it. Like if someone asks if I fancy a drink on Friday I'll think "great" and look forward to it, but when Friday actually comes I just start dreading it, and then usually end up cancelling last minute. Whereas if they say "we're just heading to the pub, fancy joining us?" I'm much more likely to actually go!

Try and focus on the good bits, and gloss over the ~shitty~ less good bits. Often we think we've had an awful day, but really it was just one part of the day. I've stopped aiming for days where nothing goes wrong, and now I only get down if literally nothing goes right!

Huh, strikeout is different on here than on WhatsApp. It was meant to say shitty