My children are like wild animals

[TiredYorkshireMam]

Don't really know what I'm after here, just having a moan. I know I'm being mardy but I'm having a bad day / week.

I have a 5 year old who is ok on his own, and a 2.5 year old who is hard work on his own, just because of his age. But together, omg they are like a pack of wild animals.

Just had a big shop delivered. They pounced all over it like a pack of hyenas. Toilet rolls and bread squashed to buggery. Packets ripped open, things dragged all over the house.

House is always a tip. Can never find anything. Just so much junk and toys. We moved 1.5 years ago to a bigger house but it's still too small because of all the crap. I keep trying to get rid of stuff but they run around at the back of me pulling stuff out bags and dragging it back into their rooms. Trying to do it when they are not here, but they are always here. I'm either working or I'm looking after them, I don't get time away from them.

5 year old started football club a while ago. Got him pair of secondhand boots about a month ago. Brought them home, put them on side - haven't seen them since. Just vanished. Will be under a mountain of crap somewhere no doubt but that's been a month now and no sign.

They are always screeching to do things and for me to set up games etc, but they lose interest almost as soon as it's set up, or they just start fighting.

They are having their dinner just now. 5 year old is a good eater but 2.5 yo won't sit on his arse. Constantly getting up and running about. Eventually I sat down to have my own dinner and he starts screaming and grabbing at the food in my mouth same food as is on his plate.

Had planned to take them swimming this afternoon as 5 yo has been asking for ages but can't find swim suits. Not where I put them.

It's my mams birthday on Monday and I'd put her present on the table ready to be wrapped. They were painting at the other end of the table yesterday and spilled the cup of water for their brushes but didn't tell me, so my mams present is sodden as the water has ran across the table and seeped under it.

They are always running about screeching and crying, but they won't just play together, they follow me room to room, grabbing at me and climbing on me, and I feel like I can't just get a minute alone with my thoughts.

They fight a lot and knock lumps out each other and I feel like I am constantly refereeing them. I feel like they feed off my stress and involvement so I think Im just going to have to leave them to it to fight it out amongst themselves.

They have me and my husband run ragged and I do feel they feed off it and we need to stop. It's just so unpleasant in our house, so much screaming and unhappiness (they have nothing to be unhappy about, they have pretty good lives).

2.5 yo screeching and whinging just goes through me like a dagger. If he sees something he wants, like an apple or something, he will immediately start screeching and screaming for it. Omg, you can have it, it's not an issue, just take it, have it, you don't have to screech at me!!!

I just feel so drained. I don't like the parent I am. Sometimes I put the tv on and end up shouting at them "just watch the tv!!!! Just sit down and zip it, for 5 minutes!" because I just cannot cope with them running around me, screeching and grabbing at me all day.

I find being at home impossible so we usually try to get up and out, but we are waiting on a plumber this morning so are stuck here until 2ish. And to be honest I find being out just as hard for other reasons. The 2.5 yo has no sense of danger and it is so stressful. They also never eat / drink when they are supposed to and they screech that they are hungry : thirsty or the 5 yo will need the loo, at the most inopportune moment, and I'm so physically tired of dragging myself around laden down with bags and snacks and bikes and scooters.

Sorry, that really was a moan. I'm just so bored of it all

That fills me with hope. Thanks for sharing ❤️

Constant giving in for an easy life doesn’t work with kids like this.

I'm like this with my 2, lovely but want to kill each other and a house full of absolute crap!!!!

I bag stuff up and shove it in my car boot when they're asleep I could never "de-clutter" they'd be tagging everything out!!!

We are moving soon and just looking round at stuff makes me feel sick so so much crap!!!!!!

Hang in there 😅

I'll add I always have my food shopping delivered at night when they are in bed

Mine are 3 and 6 it's still a nightmare!

They do have impulse control OP but if they can get away with not having it they will. No one can fix your house except you. Your children don't want to go out to let off steam? Tough. You're the parent. Don't give them choices.

This!

Why is everyone suggesting not having her shopping delivered anymore?

If one of my kids at that age started trashing my shopping they would be straight in the naughty corner!!! They need to learn what to do and what not to do. Don't change things that help your life (like delivered shopping) because you are scared of your children's' reactions and behaviour! Parent properly or they will never learn.

Prepared for a flaming but 💁

Boundaries, consistency, telling them something and sticking to it.
Consequences for not sticking to clearly set boundaries.
The 5 year old is going to be tricky as by 5 behaviour and your expectations have already been set to a large degree.
Put all things you don’t want ruined out of reach. Put child locks on cupboards (on all cupboards you can)
When the shopping comes why are they all over it?
I used to have a stair gates all over- stop them coming in the kitchen etc. Used to have a stair gate to my eldest’s room too so the toddlers couldn’t get in. Put the food straight from the delivery on the kitchen counter where they can’t reach?
Why are they pulling things out of draws?
Dont understand why they are grabbing at food etc?
For reference, I had 3 children under 3, was on my own Monday - Friday and didn’t work- stayed with them all week every week!

I empathise. My kids are 5yo and 2.5yo twins and sometimes it's just mayhem. I swear managing small kids is harder than any other job in existence.

I second what others have said, about being firm and consistent. Trashing the shopping like that would have been one warning and then instant consequences. For the twins, it's 2 minutes in their cots followed by an apology. For the eldest, he loses bedtime stories then toys - usually Lego as it's his favourite. I've had to confiscate all the Lego for a week for really bad behaviour - but he gets the message. I do also sometimes confiscate the twins' toys if that is the issue eg they're throwing them.

I don't respond to rudeness, whining, screaming. It's just 'calm down and tell me what you want' on repeat, over and over. 'Please' when they want something. Consistency really matters. My DH is more likely to give in and so they pester and wail at him much more. I also find having a firm, calm, low tone is way more effective than shouting. (Although of course I shout plenty )

Even so, sometimes it's just utter chaos, toys everywhere, running, yelling ... I think as parents we do our best but sometimes it's just a bad day at the zoo! Hope your DH can give you a break soon.

I had 4 boys 2 yrs between each they had their moments but were not bad like this. You do not give an inch and you make sure husband and granny don’t either, the loudest voice was mine. You set the rules and there are penalties for breaking them, never ask them what they want to eat, organised them don’t give them choices, they will use that to wind you up.
I was one of 4 myself dad was in the air force so mum was left with us we did as we were told, so I just drew on that with my own kids

Youngest two like this OP. 4 and 6yo. Always fighting. I had hoped it would get easier. But nope.... counting down until school goes back!

I find getting outdoors is always a winner. Although I tend to avoid very busy parks as that causes too much stress as they go in opposite directions.

I have 2 boys with less than 2 years between them. They're older now (and I also have a DD) but there were times when it felt a bit like this. I think they sort of egg each other on to worse behaviour. Sometimes it was like doing normal stuff was just not enough - so for example, they could have great garden toys but instead would roll in the mud; I'd get the paints out and they'd do full handprints instead of using the brushes; water guns and one of them would turn the hose on the other! You get the picture!

They grew out of it! They were always well behaved at school and, although they have their moments as teens, are generally polite and lovely young men.

I think sometimes you can get in a bit of a rut of reacting to their behaviour instead of proactively encouraging good behaviour. So, for example, giving them each a specific job to do when the shopping arrives and saying if we work together to do it quickly we can go to the park when it's all away or something.

Mine definitely behaved better out of the house too.

Hang on in there. I'd definitely second trying to get some time to get the house organised if you can as I think that will make you feel generally more in control.

You have my sympathy, it’s hard work at this age . There’s loads of good suggestions here but I would repeat a previous poster who mentioned cutting off the clutter at source. Have a word with any well meaning arse who brings piles of toys to your house and let them know that your house is just too full.

This is really important, if they keep bringing it you’re back to square one even if you manage to sort out this time.

no it shouldn’t be that way
shouting into the wind being ignored wouldn’t wash with me

you need to implement consequences for it
off you’re not going to do that don’t even tell them to do stop

Interesting a few PPs mentioned ADHD, as one of my DC currently being assessed for this. He wouldn't respond well to the suggestion of nicely putting shopping away, making it a game etc. Might work for some children, but not others.

Yes, I have had a bit of a laugh to myself at the thought of what would happen if I tried some of the more authoritarian suggestions here. There are some DC who just can't respond, or not at this very young age, anyway. I've personally found passive actions like removing the thing/situation/your reaction causing the issue, to be much more help than trying to change the child

Anyway, the OP has had a bunch of suggestions so hopefully something helps.

I did have an additional thought, OP, which was that the ripping into the shopping thing sounds like sensory seeking. It would be a good idea to have simple sensory things for difficult afternoons. A sprinkler in the garden if you have one or one of those mini trampolines with a rail you hold onto; inside, stuff like bubble wrap or a pile of cushions.

Or a very long bath can work.

That's with a child that likes water and squishing things. Obviously your mileage might vary.

That's interesting @Phineyj yes DS is sensory seeking and that is exactly the kind of thing he would do if he could get away with it (I am just so used to him by now I see it as fairly normal).

Thank you to all who have taken the time to respond. Thank for you for some of the tips but mostly thank you to those who have being understanding. Particularly those who have acknowledged that not all kids respond to discipline the same and that it really isn't as simple as some people seem to think.

To pick up on just one point - yes, my house was organised and tidy before kids. I was quite minimalistic.

We have recently bought a new house in a good school catchment area, with the trade-off being that it is not as big as I would ideally like with two kids (albeit it is bigger than our previous place). It doesn't have much storage. However, I have spent a lot of time and money buying and sorting out storage such as ikea kallax, trofast etc etc. The issue isn't that I'm lazy / messy, the issue is that the kids just pull the stuff out ALL THE TIME and it gets everywhere, especially toys that have lots of fiddly little bits. They also break a lot of stuff as well.

A few posters mentioned about the shopping and making it into a game / make it a job for them. I do do this sometimes and it works great. They enjoy it and the shopping gets put away. However, it does take quite a long time. Which I am happy to do if/when I have the time. But I am very time poor. I have quite a demanding job, which I have already reduced my hours (work 4 days, but those 4 days are slightly shorter due to having to drop off / pick up kids) and between my job, looking after my kids, housework etc I don't always have time to do things like that with them, sometimes I just need it done. I also don't have time to constantly be clearing up after them as it just detracts from time I could be spending with them doing something fun (which I do try to explain to them).

Because they climb the walls when they are kept in, we have always done a lot. Lots of activities / clubs / classes etc. i do worry that I've done too much and that as a result they don't know how to "be bored" and entertain themselves.

And to those who mentioned ADHD, yes, this is something we are looking into as regards the 5 yo.

Aw, OP, that sounds tough. I think if you can get childcare for the toddler on the Friday in the autumn, that could really help.

I teach but have done 4 days for the last 5 years (so since Destructor!Child was 4) and the weekday "off" (when I do my marking and admin) has made a huge difference.

We have just come back from a week's holiday somewhere we last visited 5 years ago and it was amazing how much easier it was with DD and how much more she (and we) could cope with. We really thought we were failing as parents at that time. We just had a very challenging child.

Op it sounds extremely stressful and overwhelming which is probably affecting your children’s behaviour and feelings of security and stability.

Dh needs to take them both out for the whole weekend at a farm or similar, and you crack on with a total de clutter and tidy up. Toys can be stored in the attic, minimal rotation of clothes.
Every surface needs to be clean and tidy.
Buy a robot vacuum so that the house is cleaned daily, and Witt 20 minutes every day of putting things away and staying on top of it.
Book a spring clean evert season that would give you a boost.
Pack the bags for activities the night before.
Have your shopping delivered on the day off.

Reward charts work well at this age and get them involved every day in tidying up.

Reward charts! Those don't work with demand avoidant DC with poor impulse control. They just lead to terrible battles over the damn reward chart.

See also: homework planners, reading records, every worksheet devised by a tourist attraction ever.

Now me, I love a nice reward chart or a worksheet.

One of the most challenging parts of parenting is where you realise your child is not you.

I could have written your post op.mine are 11,7,5,3 and my god I'm emotionally exhausted by the end of every day. My 5year old has asd and very likely ADHD as well and he is exactly like you describe,low impulse control, into everything all the time, lack of awareness of danger, breaks things etc etc it is very hard so you have my sympathy. What helps me cope better is trying to have a half an hour to myself a day every day, even if it's just go for a walk to the shop! I know it's hard to make time for yourself when you are in the thick of it but it does help me feel less overwhelmed and can cope with the demands a bit better. Mine are also like gannets the min the shopping arrives i usually have to put something on the tv that they enjoy with the promise of something nice when I've finished unpacking! I don't have much in the way of advice op but oodles of empathy for your situation it is bloody hard but hang in there I've heard it gets easier. X

Why do you let theM climb all sober you. Where's the discipline. There. Needs to be a consequence for bad behaviour and they need to know where they stand. They are looking to you for boundaries You need to step und be firm. Be the parent. So does your husband. Don't let a five year old rule you for goodness sake you are in charge not him.

My kids are like that when the shopping arrives. I try and order it for after they've gone to bed

@Phineyj yes, pathological demand avoidance is something we are looking into. As you say, reward charts etc just don't work.

@Shutupyoutart thank you.

And yes, things like the shopping, if I plan it well in advance and have treats etc set up, and something on tv, that can work. But for that to work, they have to have not already watched tv that day. If they have already watched tv, it's lost its appeal and it won't hold their attention.

So it has to be planned in advance. And I'm just exhausted of trying to mentally stay 3 steps ahead of them all the time, because other families don't have to do that.

I know what will set them off, and if something doesn't go to plan, I can see exactly how the sequence of events will play out and I can see it all going to shit. Whereas I have friends with kids for whom things like that are not an issue.