Is she too young to be doing this?

[pinacolada22]

4 month old going for overnight stays at her dads?
My biggest concern is that it will affect our bond, will she still be able to securely attach to me?

It scares me because she stayed with him for the first time overnight yesterday and I kept calling to see how she was. Fed her at 12pm, he picked her up at 1pm. By 7pm she had only had 2 ounces. He said she didn't want any more but she normally drinks around 4 ounces. Then I called around 8:30 to see if she was asleep, she wasn't. Didn't fall asleep till gone 10pm and only had a 30 minute nap the whole time she was there in the day. When he dropped her home this afternoon, she slept for over 3 hours. The longest nap she's ever had.

He wants to continue these overnight stays and make them a regular thing. But I'm feeling conflicted. It was nice having the bed to myself and getting 7 hours unbroken sleep, but obviously I don't want that to be at her expense. Shall I just take a step back and let him figure his own routine with her? Because I was calling constantly to see how she was and I think it pissed him off and I came across as controlling. My question is ... is it in my daughters best interest to have once a week stays with her dad? Is it going to affect her ability to attach to me securely? I'm worrying about this because I feel like yesterday he did not tend to her needs promptly e.g. I called and she was screaming in the car for half an hour but he couldn't pull over because they were on London Bridge. (this wouldn't have happened with me bcos I don't drive)
Or should I just take a step back and let him have it because ultimately I do want her to have a good relationship with him.

i do think you need to step back a little, it's her first time overnight with him of course it's gonna be hard, and she'll still be attached to you but she'll also end up attached to him too and that's his job as her dad, of course you know your own child and after the first say 4 or 5 visits if it's still not working out you could just hold off until she's a little older

I think it feels too young to me but then I've never been in the difficult position you find yourself in.
Is he likely to put her needs first and wait til she's a bit older? Would he be open to discussing the situation sensibly?

Who suggested overnights for such a young baby? I’d put these on pause for quite a while and stick to short daytime visits.

Time with her father is important but this doesn’t have to be overnight and I believe courts don’t tend to order overnights for young babies for the reasons you mention - bonding with main carer, routine etc.

It’s really poor that he chose to let her cry for all that time in the car. No excuses for this. It doesn’t take half an hour to cross London Bridge.

She needs the bond and time with her dad too
Do you trust her dad is taking care of her well enough?

My dd was going for sleepovers at grandparents from 3 months and quite happy to do it (granted it's the next street over from mine so being that close made me feel more comfortable with it). But it has meant she's now very easy going with other people and me and her still have an amazing bond

Too young. She will miss you.

@lailamaria thanks for your advice, your right, she does need to attach to him. Its very bitter sweet. But hopefully he will find his way with her and she can settle with him.

@Pinkkahori I'm not sure tbh. He gave me radio silence after we broke up and until about a month ago, so her seeing him is still fairly new. Its definitely worth me asking him so I will but I fear that he will turn around and say no since we do live quite far.

Maybe it would be better for her to spend daytimes with her dad to start, she's still so very young.
I'm sorry if I've read your thread wrong but please don't share a bed with such a young baby, we have family friends who lost their baby by having her in their bed and it makes me worry when I hear people who still do this.

@MeridianB all his idea, but he knows how much I have been struggling on my own so I think that's why he asked. He suggested today he wants her again Sunday till Monday, which is ridiculous imo because initially he said once a week. and yeah hearing her cry for that long was breaking my heart I had to end the call. I think it was awful traffic I don't think he was letting her cry for no reason.

Nah. No way. Radio silence? He can fuck off if he thinks he can pick her up and put her down like that. I’d say no and tell him to take me to court. She won’t have a clue who he is.

@willithappen I trust that he cares and wants the best for her. But I just don't trust that he can care for her as well as me. I think that's the problem.

It's not clear from your post what's going on. There's a sort of implication that you don't trust him and he's not doing things 'properly'.

He's her father and has the right to spend time with and bond with her (from birth). Any parent driving a baby in a car could/will end up driving a crying baby.

If you don't think he's sorting out the feeding and sleeping properly and you're trying to establish a routine then talk to him about it and try to reach an agreement - although if he hasn't spent much time with her he needs time to get to know her.

If you keep phoning asking questions, then he probably will get resentful and you will sound controlling. It's not likely to do her any harm if she doesn't sleep or feed much one day a week.

You should probably let him get on with it (without all the calls) unless you have genuine concerns about her safety.

Distance shouldn’t dictate this - it’s purely about the best interests of the child - no one else.

And if he wasn’t grown up enough to be in touch for the first three important months of her life, I wouldn’t be letting him call the shots now.

Is he paying maintenance?

@JustlookingNotbuying we did that but he lives over an hour away and wants her to spend time with his family also so that's why hes insisting on overnight stays. re the sleeping, yes she does end up in my bed most nights. I put her to sleep in her crib but when she wakes for a feed at night I normally fall asleep feeding her.

I think it would feel different if he had lived with her been part of her life for the first few months and then moved out but she really doesn't know him at all.

I’d have lied and said she’s breastfed tbh. I definitely wouldn’t allow overnights with such a young baby. I left my husband when my baby was a few months old and I only let him have contact at my home. Tell him you’re not comfortable with her being away from you overnight. She needs routine and you’re the main caregiver. If he disappeared for months he can’t be that interested in her welfare.

No way. Way too soon as he only crawled back a month ago! Do you need the help or are you just appeasing him? No court would compel overnights for a baby under 1, for a reason.

If it’s what you want then obviously that’s different but if not then say you won’t be doing it again till she’s older. If he kicks off and doesn’t want to build up sensible contact during the days then that’s all you need to know isn’t it? I can’t see how it’s doing your baby any favours.

@LightSpeeds thanks for your perspective its made me feel a lot better about it. I guess I'm just use to her routine and even when she's in childcare I get regular updates on feeding and naps so to get none from him was stressing me out.
I do trust that he cares for her but I feel like he has no clue what hes doing. I guess that will only come with spending more time with her tho.

He's her father and has the right to spend time with and bond with her (from birth).

That’s bollocks. And unless he was there for the registration he’s not even on the birth certificate with parental responsibility.

He wasn’t bothered about his rights for 3/4 of her life and has no business insisting on anything right now.

She's too young.

I pick up that part of the reason this is happening is because you were (understandably) finding it hard to cope on your own, rather than his need to get to know her. But she is too young to be sent overnight to a virtual stranger. He needs to be there in the daytime to get to know her.

How much childcare is she in at 4 months?

@Whoatealltheminieggs she is breastfed. that's the killer! she takes pumped milk/formula at nursery but breastfed the rest of the time. The thing is I am comfortable with him having her because I appreciate the break, but I don't want it if it means she will suffer. So Im Tryna figure out if this is going to damage her or not.

@AnneLovesGilbert she goes 1-6pm mon-wed. so not that much but just enough for me to hold down my job.

She's far too young in my opinion, especially given she's breastfed.