Is she too young to be doing this?

[pinacolada22]

4 month old going for overnight stays at her dads?
My biggest concern is that it will affect our bond, will she still be able to securely attach to me?

It scares me because she stayed with him for the first time overnight yesterday and I kept calling to see how she was. Fed her at 12pm, he picked her up at 1pm. By 7pm she had only had 2 ounces. He said she didn't want any more but she normally drinks around 4 ounces. Then I called around 8:30 to see if she was asleep, she wasn't. Didn't fall asleep till gone 10pm and only had a 30 minute nap the whole time she was there in the day. When he dropped her home this afternoon, she slept for over 3 hours. The longest nap she's ever had.

He wants to continue these overnight stays and make them a regular thing. But I'm feeling conflicted. It was nice having the bed to myself and getting 7 hours unbroken sleep, but obviously I don't want that to be at her expense. Shall I just take a step back and let him figure his own routine with her? Because I was calling constantly to see how she was and I think it pissed him off and I came across as controlling. My question is ... is it in my daughters best interest to have once a week stays with her dad? Is it going to affect her ability to attach to me securely? I'm worrying about this because I feel like yesterday he did not tend to her needs promptly e.g. I called and she was screaming in the car for half an hour but he couldn't pull over because they were on London Bridge. (this wouldn't have happened with me bcos I don't drive)
Or should I just take a step back and let him have it because ultimately I do want her to have a good relationship with him.

@Mischance yeah you have summarised it perfectly. I am struggling and him taking her last night was doing me a favour tbh. If I knew hands down it wasn't good for her I would never have agreed to it.

Shall I just take a step back and let him figure his own routine with her?

Yes

Because I was calling constantly to see how she was and I think it pissed him off

I'm not surprised. It would have pissed anyone off.

and I came across as controlling.

Yup

No, she isn't too young
No it won't affect your bond
Yes, it is great that she will also bond with her Dad.

I’d find this very distressing, at that age. When my ex and I split up, I found it a dreadful emotional wrench to have the children sleep away the first time - and my youngest was 20 months then. It sounds like you are trying to do ‘the right thing’ but his relatively recent arrival on the scene and the baby’s young age make me feel this is a step or three too far, too soon. I’d find it difficult as the mother, and would deeply feel it to be too sharp a change for a young baby. Can you have a conversation with him about this? With a mediator or family member if you are finding it hard to articulate.

Too young. Ridiculous and selfish to remove a very young baby from their main carer. How does that benefit them?

This is awful advice. Please ignore it.

It seems there are a lot of varying opinions, I was hoping for a unanimous yes or no. So I'm still feeling very stuck and unsure. Thank you all for your perspectives. I will meditate on it and hopefully my instinct will kick in and lmk.

No one would bat an eyelid on here if it was even a four WEEK old baby, and the op was wondering if it would be ok for her to spend the night at her grans so she could get a break. But heaven forbid the baby’s actual father have her for the night 🙄🙄

Because presumably Grandma has some experience with babies and has been around their grandchild for the first few months of its life so isn’t a total stranger. This guy is a total stranger to the poor baby.

Absolutely far far far too young, should be with the mum, at the very least until 6 months old and established with trying first foods. It will massively affect your supply and it doesn’t sound like he’s suitable to be alone with baby anyway naps etc are literally vital at this age as is regular feeding neither of which baby got. I wouldn’t out my baby in this situation for anything

OP, if at all possible I'd try to find a different way to get more rest at night. And whatever you do, don't agree to things just because the father demands them.

In truth, he can fuck right off, having left you to struggle alone through the hard!! early months and showing up when it suited him.

You know about those baskets you can place in your bed at night, by your head, to make sure baby sleeps separate from you, but you don't have to get up for night feedings? Google co sleeping basket or similar. They helped me alot.

Agreed 100% this situation is absolutely selfish it’s for the ‘fathers’ benefit bot the baby’s at all and that’s what should be upmost priority what is best for the baby

My son spent one night a week, 24 hrs in total, with foster/respite carers, from 2 to 4 months old.
He had no difficulty bonding with me, breast fed until he was one, took expressed breast milk with his respite carers.
Your baby will know you and boobs with you.

Plenty of people would. People who care about what’s best for the baby.

I can only speak from my own experience - I separated from my daughters father when she was 15 months old, allowed him overnight access straight off the bat.

I bitterly regret it.

Personally I wouldn't at that young age, but many will say that isn't fair on the dad.

What I think is most important for a young child is actually a strong and consistent routine, and if that doesn't mean overnight stays if she won't nap/settle/eat or drink adequately then that's a Nope from me.

Agree with Mischance

"She's too young.

I pick up that part of the reason this is happening is because you were (understandably) finding it hard to cope on your own, rather than his need to get to know her. But she is too young to be sent overnight to a virtual stranger. He needs to be there in the daytime to get to know her."

You do not need to answer this but I wondered why you are not together any more. Did you brake up early on or were you never a couple ot whatever?

Personally OP I wouldn't let him have overnights yet - he just doesn't know her well enough, and considering you cosleep it must be really hard for her.

I'm not surprised you're struggling given you're back at work with such a young baby, you're a bloody hero. Would him having her in the day for a bit give you some respite / nap time?

Btw, cosleeping is fine with a breastfed baby as long as you're following the safe sleep seven - falling asleep while bf at night totally normal and much better that you're safely set up for it than being in an unsafe position

Agree with this

Far too young for a breastfed baby .. he’s not seen her for months them wants 2. Nights in the first week. No way.

Ask him to take baby for a couple of hours so you can rest and baby gets used to being away from you.

She has the right to bond with her dad as much as her mum.

Would i like to leave my baby overnight, no, but if i thought she was being well looked after, in your case i would let her stay and bond with her dad.

Dad will have to find his feet with parenting as well, will he do it the same as you, probably not, but he needs the chance to learn and step up.

Birth certificate or not, he is her dad.

My LO is 15 months, her dad and I have been separated since she was 6 weeks old and she has never spent a night at his or away from me. For me personally, I want to wait until she is at least 2, and is old enough that I can explain to her that she is going to daddy’s for the night but will be coming back to mummy the next morning/afternoon. My LO is still breastfeeding and was exclusively breastfed until starting solids.

The way I’ve done it won’t be right for everyone, but to me four months is really far too young especially when he has had no relationship to her until very recently. You are all she knows - your smell, your hands, your cuddles, your milk, your voice. You are her point of reference and security blanket. Babies at this age have no sense of self so she does not even understand that you two are separate people yet. She also will not have an understanding of object permanence yet, which means that if she can’t see you in front of her she thinks you stop existing. That is very scary even as an older baby, especially when she is barely out of the fourth trimester. This can also have a big negative impact on your supply if breastfeeding is something you want to continue with.

I can totally understand needing support - is the dynamic with Dad good enough that he could come and stay at yours (on the sofa/spare bed) to help? Could he come and visit regularly in the week? I would not allow any time out of the house without you until she is a bit older but appreciate this may be difficult to argue as she goes to childcare.

I know what a minefield this can all be! Don’t feel that you have to offer or accept everything that he wants, be firm and remember that you are the mother and need to put little one first, not his whims which seem to have only recently changed.

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

Birth certificate or not, he is her dad.

She’d be more comfortable with him if he’d bothered with her before she was 3 months old. He didn’t seem very committed to being a dad did he.

Presumably the carers had some idea of what to do with a baby and weren't some gormless dickhead demanding overnights, after chiding to be absent from the mother & baby's life until it suited him?

@pinacolada22

I wouldn't do it, if it was me. I don't think it's a great idea for your DD. He sounds utterly clueless & she needs YOU.

it sounds like you need some help & a break though - is there a better way for you to get that.

there isn't anything wrong with xp sleeping, but you're not following the guidelines and doing it safely, so you must either do that or make sure you put her in her Fitbit a safety sleeper. You must NOT just fall asleep with her, it's very dangerous.

Don't let him bully you!