Is she too young to be doing this?

[pinacolada22]

4 month old going for overnight stays at her dads?
My biggest concern is that it will affect our bond, will she still be able to securely attach to me?

It scares me because she stayed with him for the first time overnight yesterday and I kept calling to see how she was. Fed her at 12pm, he picked her up at 1pm. By 7pm she had only had 2 ounces. He said she didn't want any more but she normally drinks around 4 ounces. Then I called around 8:30 to see if she was asleep, she wasn't. Didn't fall asleep till gone 10pm and only had a 30 minute nap the whole time she was there in the day. When he dropped her home this afternoon, she slept for over 3 hours. The longest nap she's ever had.

He wants to continue these overnight stays and make them a regular thing. But I'm feeling conflicted. It was nice having the bed to myself and getting 7 hours unbroken sleep, but obviously I don't want that to be at her expense. Shall I just take a step back and let him figure his own routine with her? Because I was calling constantly to see how she was and I think it pissed him off and I came across as controlling. My question is ... is it in my daughters best interest to have once a week stays with her dad? Is it going to affect her ability to attach to me securely? I'm worrying about this because I feel like yesterday he did not tend to her needs promptly e.g. I called and she was screaming in the car for half an hour but he couldn't pull over because they were on London Bridge. (this wouldn't have happened with me bcos I don't drive)
Or should I just take a step back and let him have it because ultimately I do want her to have a good relationship with him.

But granny wouldn't be having her two nights a week, every week and for long weekends - Friday to Sunday would she? How is what you describe in any way similar to what is actually happening?

Exactly this.

And I always find it strange when people talk about “allowing” the father to look after the baby (or not as the case may be). The father helps make the baby but some mums seem to forget that.

OP I think it’s totally natural for you to feel anxious but the baby will no doubt settle into a routine with her dad, they’ll build a bond and you’ll get a break. Don’t feel guilty about that.

Also very easy to get stuck on London Bridge for half an hour so I don’t think that’s his fault (for those saying he should have done something while the baby was crying).

Grans that are supportive and involved, who watch grandchildren are different from a random man taking a tiny baby two full nights, within the first week. Taking them away from everything they know. He’s the baby’s dad but he’s still a stranger. He not reliable or trustworthy if he has already abandoned them for months.

Has no mum ever gone away and left baby with her dh in first 6 months.
Babies go 8 hrs to nursery etc they don't really have much concept of day and night
Surely if mum is happy and dad is competent for overnights then its fine

Too much, too young.

I feel I should clarify this a bit - I don’t regret it because my daughter has been put at risk by her father. He’s a lazy parent but not a danger.

Did you miss the part where he was completely absent for the first 3 months of her life?

I have a 4 month old breastfed baby and I really think it is too young. What matters is the babies best interest, not the dad showing her off to his family or building a bond at her expense. Let him come during the day. She clearly wasn't happy as she only drank 2 ozs. I understand you need some sleep, I'm struggling with that too and some mornings I feel so tired I don't know my left from right. I know it's hard but I really think you need to advocate for your baby and let her stay with you overnight for that comfort and security that only you can provide at the moment.

Unless there's a significant backstory then your ex is perfectly entitled to have overnight stays with his child.

Op I think I'd say no to overnights while your breastfeeding.
Expressing is hard work your doing amazing being able to express enough for nursery feeds wiyhout adding in overnights too.

Really a few hours to get to know Dad without stressing you both out.

No he’s no entitled to overnight stays for a breastfed 4 month old baby that he’s only just met because he walked away with no contact until now .

Too young in my opinion. I wouldn't leave a baby that young with my own DH overnight unless it were absolutely unavoidable. I'd work on leaving during the day first. Tough he lives an hr away. Not your problem! He needs to find a way round that not you or baby.

I have been in your position with a small baby. When I went through the courts they were happy for DD not to start overnights until she was 4 years old. They wanted little and often day contact.
As an idea we used a contact centre for fortnightly contact whilst going through the court system and for them to build a bond.
Then Tues and Thursday 10am - 2pm for a month and then extending by an hour every month until it was 9am - 6pm.
When she started school it became every Wednesday 3pm - 6pm and day visits at the weekend.
Then the Wednesday and EOW.

As it turned out DD hated sleeping there and so we agreed to him bringing her back on Saturday and picking her up again on Sunday morning

Our court order still says the same now and she is 12. She spends Mothers/Fathers day and birthdays with the relevant parent. Her birthday and Christmas we alternate and Christmas we do 12 noon Christmas eve to 12 noon boxing day which means she gets to enjoy her Christmas without being carried around and we just celebrate on a different day. Since starting work I've always worked term time only and he has worked in retail so I've always been flexible with which days he is able to see her.

They organize contact between themselves now and I barely have anything to do with it. I just put any dates she can't see dad because of prior commitments on her phone calendar and they go from there so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

To all those leaping to the defence of the father and his rights, is your view not even slightly altered by him doing a disappearing act when his child was born and turning up three months (three months!) later with demands for overnight?

Why do his wants rate higher than what’s best for a tiny baby? What’s wrong with daytime ‘bonding’ for him if he’s finally trying to do the right thing?

Actually loads of us would. A four week old baby is tiny and should be with its mother.
A 7 month old baby that is breastfed should also be with its mother, as should a child who barely knows their father, with a gradual getting to know him period.

She is used to taking a bottle though while at nursery for 5 hours, 3 times a week. Its not like she wont be comfortable with a bottle?

I

Sorry but I do find this a bit ridiculous. He's her father, he can look after her all day/night from birth if necessary. Stop dumbing down men, he's perfectly capable of learning all the things you have learned the last few months.

Yes he sounds like an arse doing a disappearing act but that doesn't mean he can't look after a child. How will she bond with him if you restrict access? Willingly wanting to be up all night ( potentially) with a baby, learning her ways etc are not the actions of someone who intends to shy away from parenting anymore.

Let him take her, he'll work it out just like you did

Why?!

Why did you have a child with someone you can't trust to look after?

I'm reading some crazy comments on here

Surely it's not about trust but about what baby needs. I didn't leave my ebf babies overnight with their dad who lived in our house until they were over a year old, not because I didn't trust him but because at night they often needed me, my milk and my cuddles to settle, and it would have been distressing for them and him if I wasn't there and they were screaming the house down.

It's not a case of not trusting the father. It's understanding the mother-baby dyad.
Fortunately the courts do understand it.
@Singleandproud has a good model to follow.

If you don’t think he knows what he’s doing, then yes I’d be more concerned. How old is he? Does he have any support from his family?

She might take a bottle but its still work for mum to express and a pump is no where near as effective as a baby at getting milk out the breast.

Does your breastfed baby actually take a bottle? My breastfed baby refused to take a bottle after six weeks old. I think before that I’d expressed for bottles occasionally. I think it’s quite common that breastfed babies refuse to use a bottle. My baby went straight on to using a cup but not for several months. Using the teat of a bottle feels very different to a baby than suckling on a breast . Your ex needs to get to know your baby during the day for short sessions. I think this would have been distressing for your baby. I think this is an instance when it’s different and easier for a bottle fed baby to be cared for by another care giver. Was he alone or was he with other family who are experienced with babies?

That's a point both mine refused a bottle. But I'm assuming since Ops baby is in nursery they will take the bottle.

Could be the baby just wasn't happy, possibly sensed Dad was nervous or something.

But I really feel for Op, and her baby I wouldn't want to have so much time away from my baby nursery and the dad demanding overnights.

I really don't think over nights are necessary for the baby at this stage. Op let him take you to court & get maintenance money out him

I think it is important that her dad is in her life and despite your concerns you are enabling this.
However, the fact that up until this point he has been absent, I feel his contact with her should be built up gradually & at a pace with which you are happy.
If it were me I would suggest he spends say 1 day a week at yours, so he can see how you parent her, what her routine is like. She'll feel secure with you around in familiar surroundings, you'll feel more reassured & he'll feel more confident in caring for her.
Mum taking the lead & showing dad what to do is quite normal during the early days so if he is a caring dad he will hopefully accept this.
Only once I was happy with how their relationship developed & how he could manage her confidently would I let her sleep over at his. Then I would give it my blessing. She could get to know her dads family & it would give you a little break as well.