Is she too young to be doing this?

[pinacolada22]

4 month old going for overnight stays at her dads?
My biggest concern is that it will affect our bond, will she still be able to securely attach to me?

It scares me because she stayed with him for the first time overnight yesterday and I kept calling to see how she was. Fed her at 12pm, he picked her up at 1pm. By 7pm she had only had 2 ounces. He said she didn't want any more but she normally drinks around 4 ounces. Then I called around 8:30 to see if she was asleep, she wasn't. Didn't fall asleep till gone 10pm and only had a 30 minute nap the whole time she was there in the day. When he dropped her home this afternoon, she slept for over 3 hours. The longest nap she's ever had.

He wants to continue these overnight stays and make them a regular thing. But I'm feeling conflicted. It was nice having the bed to myself and getting 7 hours unbroken sleep, but obviously I don't want that to be at her expense. Shall I just take a step back and let him figure his own routine with her? Because I was calling constantly to see how she was and I think it pissed him off and I came across as controlling. My question is ... is it in my daughters best interest to have once a week stays with her dad? Is it going to affect her ability to attach to me securely? I'm worrying about this because I feel like yesterday he did not tend to her needs promptly e.g. I called and she was screaming in the car for half an hour but he couldn't pull over because they were on London Bridge. (this wouldn't have happened with me bcos I don't drive)
Or should I just take a step back and let him have it because ultimately I do want her to have a good relationship with him.

He needs to come to you and spend the day with you both. Then he can have her during the day. Being an hour away overnight at that age is too young. I'm usually all for parenting equality, but he doesn't get to 'insist' on anything right now.

If she wouldn’t take a bottle and had never left your side then I’d say to start with shorter times with her dad. But as she goes to nursery and takes a bottle then no reason she can’t go to him and it will probably be good for her as you will be a better mum from a decent night’s sleep and she will hopefully build up good relationships with both parents.

You really shouldn’t be constantly checking up on him though. Make sure he knows her normal routine then leave him to it, maybe just ask him to send you a text midway through the visit.

And whilst he’s been an idiot by not being there for first months, the fact that it wasn’t easy for him the first visit and he still wants her again this week suggests he’s determined to be committed now. So I’d suggest you agree to a once a week overnight and then at this stage once a week during day as well. As she gets bolder then you may move towards a 50/50 arrangement.

My siblings 4 month old has been doing overnights at his dads since 2 months. He was tricky for a few weeks but seems to have settled fine now. Sibling asks for a photo each night but otherwise leaves dad to it as he needs to be able to handle it alone without being bothered all the time.

Although in her case dad isn't an ex and they're friends + he pays a lot of maintenance willingly and has been there from birth.

So a different situation.

Agree with Twodogsandababy"I know what a minefield this can all be! Don’t feel that you have to offer or accept everything that he wants, be firm and remember that you are the mother and need to put little one first, not his whims which seem to have only recently changed."

No, a Mandie's nit have a right to overnight visits just be sure he provided the sperm for the baby. It sounds like he disappeared out of babies life. If mum had done that too baby would now be in the care of someone else. She is in the care of someone else, her mother. It's what is best for baby not the man who provided the sperm!

Father's are important but he was an absentee for the first three quarters of her life so far.

Why does he want overnights as opposed to days when he could actually bond better with her. My guess is laziness.

Sorry, not a Mandie's nit but a man does not!!!

Just to clarify in case anyone thinks l am a 'man-hater' not all dads are people who donate the sperm.

My husband has been dedicated to me for over 20 years and our children ever since they came into our lives. I was very ill when our first was born and stayed in hospital for nearly two weeks. He visited daily bringing clean clothes for both of us and chocs for me. He bathed our daughter and even helped me shower as I could not do it alone.

He has cared for our children faithfully and we've been through some tough times. My guess is the OP has been through some tough times already and the dad is now on the scene making demands. The dad needs to prepare for the long haul of parenting and not just for the overnights.

Sadly, my experience of parenting is that very little of it is about what the parents want and more what a child needs!