Naps - do you let them rule your life?

[Cm17]

FTM, Lo is 18 months old has 1 nap a day and when we are home they are pretty consistent.
She does go to a childminder full time and has a nap during the day there.

However i feel like I let nap time over rule our weekends together as a family and plan things around being home for naps like visiting parents/popping to the shops/soft play etc

Swimming is a big one for me, we took her swimming for the first time when she was 5 months old and she loved it straight away! We took her every week but since we've both been back at work she has only been maybe twice due the swim times falling on her nap time.

Now that summertime is approaching and we both work full time, I want weekends to be about us getting out and doing things as a family, especially now she understands alot more things.

I know its probably me overthinking it more than i need to but how do/did you work things around nap time?

being 18 months old now would you just do the things you want to do with your lo and let them nap when it happens around it?

@ForestFae you can still do normal things with a routine. We go out every day and do things - shopping, meeting friends, play groups, dog walks. But then we come home and he has a two hour nap and I can get stuff done.

I think it’s absolutely what works for you. Both of mine definitely needed naps but I was lucky and they napped on the go in the car or pushchair. This was definitely helpful with number 2, as meant that eldest was still able to do things , lots of activities seem to run mid morning so would have been difficult to attend if baby had only napped at home. But like I said, that worked for us, I think whatever works for you Is fine.

Except people have tried it the other way around. Anyone who knows their baby thrives off a regular nap at home knows that through lived experience. How do you think I know my baby doesn’t sleep well in the pram? Because many times I have gone out for the day or been away for a week or 2 and baby has to just crack on and catch 20 winks here or there in the pram but they are not well rested, they are cranky and can’t enjoy the day.
When she has a nap at home she is happy for the entire time before and after, we can enjoy the morning, she has a nap and we can enjoy the afternoon to it’s maximum.
She then goes into her cot and sleeps all night without any vigorous rocking so what exactly would I get out of changing that?

I do not find it necessary and instead prefer to respond to my children’s cues as they arise.

That is exactly what parents are doing by putting their child down for a nap though - responding to their child’s needs.
My child’s needs being met comes first, her need to be rested comes above my want to mooch about town between 1-3pm.

@ForestFae I do agree with you though that I am restricted by his naps in that we do go out but it has to be around the times when he’s awake, so I don’t live my life exactly as before. But my priority is him being happy and settled so I’m fine with my life not being as free as it used to be

And none of the routine lovers know how their kids would respond to a completely routine free lifestyle because they never tried it from birth and are bound by routines themselves

Surely everyone is bound by routines unless you literally have zero commitments? Like I have to go to work 4 times per week at a certain time, I have to get to the post office today before 1pm, I have to get the food shop in before 8pm. I have to sleep for a chunk of 7 to 8 hours overnight and be up in time for tomorrows commitments. I mean fundamentally yes, if we lived entirely free of any commitments then routines wouldn’t be needed. But the world we live in demands a degree of predictability. I’d hazard a guess you have routines without even realising it.

I do also know exactly what DS would be like because I thought predictability and cot naps were for losers…then after a truly horrendous first 6 months, the penny dropped that I have a baby/toddler who needs and loves his sleep and also gets quite easily overwhelmed with too much change or too much stimulation. You can only parent the child you have been given.

@luxxlisbon you have hit the nail on the head there!! Everything you said is exactly how I feel and how everything works for us.

im not sure why some people think a routine means fighting your baby down for a nap when they aren’t tired. It’s exactly the opposite.

i find our boy only naps in the pram/car when he’s absolutely shattered and he never gets a proper long sleep like that as he often will get woken up after only half an hour or so by us arriving at a destination or noises etc. we have a much nicer day when he’s had his proper sleeps, and he sleeps well every night and I would never want to change any of it.

@luxxlisbon you've said exactly what I was thinking!

@ForestFae I know my children need routines and structure, because when we don't have them, when I don't prioritise their need for sleep, they get emotional and stressed and they don't have fun. I respond to their cues, and they tell me that they need a calm, quiet, secure space to rest in order to enjoy their day.

And I still think you're being goady with your "shock" that most people let their children sleep in cots. Surely you're aware that your family set up is very unusual?

@MolliciousIntent 💯

I don’t, because I’m SAHM and we home ed. DH has flexible hours and Wfh at least 50% of the time and can choose what hours he goes into the office for the other. So we have full flexibility. I get this is unusual and most people do have routines, that’s why I said most people who say their kids thrive on routine probably haven’t had a crack at having no routines whatsoever, because most people need them for work and similar.

I did genuinely think most kids napped wherever, especially in the pram. So I wasn’t being goady. And I do wonder if parents have socialised their kids to nap in the cot. I’m aware my set up is unusual, hence why I said I don’t think many people have tried truly no routine whatsoever.

@ForestFae do your children have any routines at all with the home Ed? They will need to know about routines for later in life, going to university, getting a job etc. you can fight against it if you want but this is how the world is, don’t you want your children to thrive in it? They need to be equipped with the skills to cope in the real world.

You can, but you’re very restricted by timings. I’d hate to have to be somewhere for a time and back for a time, it would be my idea of hell! I hate appointments for the same reason, the stress of having to be on someone else’s schedule leaves me cold. I like to be able to think “we’re doing this!” spur of the minute and be able to do it with no constraints! So I wouldn’t be able to do my normal with a routine.

We’re child led. So no, we don’t have lessons at certain times. They go to forest schools and days out and so on, but I don’t believe my job as a parent is to condition my kids to be cogs in the machine of the status quo. It’s to encourage their individuality and authenticity. There are many flexible jobs, there are many alternative ways of living and working.

And the thing is, whatever works for you is great. I’m by no way suggesting the way I do things is the best for every single child like you seem to be suggesting your way is @ForestFae
Your comments suggesting others aren’t responding to their child’s needs are unnecessary, the shock and wondering “what has led the child to nap in a cot” like it’s a failing and the constant implication that your way is the best way is just fucking annoying frankly.
If having your child pass out from exhaustion on the floor works for you then great.
My way means my 1 year old is well rested after a nap, loves playing in her cot in the morning and has slept through for ages so I’m really just going to call you out that putting her down within a rough window of time for her nap (when I know she’s tired because she then sleeps for 2 hrs) means im not responding to her needs.

Your way works for you, but it is not “better”.

I’m not saying it’s wrong. I just think it’s odd to socialise kids into a routine from the get go.if it works for you, crack on. I’d hate to be so restricted personally but if it doesn’t bother you, that’s fine.

You can, but you’re very restricted by timings. I’d hate to have to be somewhere for a time and back for a time, it would be my idea of hell!

Not very child led then. Sounds like actually it’s you-led and your children have to follow suit whether that works for them or now.
Actually you can argue that being home for X time because your child is tired, even if you don’t want to, is actually the most child led approach. It’s ironic you can’t see that.

Yeah, it’s the child that sets the routine, not the parents at all who want the 2 hour break. 🤣

@ForestFae of course not many people have "truly tried no routine whatsoever" because it's incredibly impractical for most people. We exist within society, not outside of it, and in order to enjoy the benefits of society you have to be in tune with the rhythms of it! If I want to go out for lunch, I need to go when they're serving lunch. And if I want to enjoy that lunch, I need to go at a time when my child isn't exhausted, or asleep.

Kids nap for 3 years. Prioritising them for such a short period of time really isn't a hardship for most parents.

And yes, kids are "socialised" to sleep in their cots, because for the vast majority of kids that's where they get the best rest! It is a fact that humans sleep better in quiet dark spaces than bright noisy ones, once they're out of babyhood. If you'd taught your children to sleep in cots, they'd sleep better than they do in the pram, but as it is I suppose pram sleep is better than nothing.

This is the second thread I’ve come across where you express a seriously shocking lack of emotional intelligence and ability to take on the perspective of someone other than yourself.

Either you’re being purposefully obtuse to backhandedly criticize the choices of posters that you don’t agree with, or you genuinely can’t comprehend that other people hold thought patterns and behaviours different to yours…in which case I’d recommend keeping that to yourself and getting some professional support. It has to be rubbing people the wrong way in real life, unless you only ever interact with your DH and DC.

Do you think you can make a baby nap for 2 hours if they aren’t shattered?

You are coming across incredibly obtuse and rude frankly.

Exactly, they haven’t tried it, so they have no idea how their child would do without any routine do they?!

My kids aren’t toddlers anymore and will literally sleep through any sort of noise. I can vacuum ourside their bedroom door and it won’t bother them. I strongly believe it’s because I never conditioned them to sleep in silence. And they get a perfectly decent amount and quality of sleep

@ForestFae the two hour break is a very welcome bonus! But what comes first is a happy baby who is not over tired and upset.

for example our boy wakes at 6.30, and I pretty much know that after breakfast and play time he’ll be ready for a nap around 9-9.30. I put him down today, I could tell he was ready when I went into the nursery with him and he was eyeing up the cot! He’s still asleep now and I’ve put the washing on, sat in the garden, done some washing up etc.

sometimes he wakes up after only half an hour and sometimes he sleeps 2 hours, I just follow his lead.

No, mn is just a bubble where if you go against the hive mind and dominant culture, people get defensive and weird about it. I understand other people think it’s best for them. That’s not what I’m saying here. I think that mindset is bizarre, and I’m entitled to think that.

And it wasn’t rude when you said I force my children to follow suit no matter what? Funny how being rude only works one way isn’t it,

If it works for you, it works. Personally I liked to involve my kids in “daily tasks” from the get go, if they were asleep they were asleep but generally I just got them involved. Different styles I guess.