How do I get my 6 year old into school in the mornings

[Mam576]

My 6 yr old DD wakes up every morning and says she is not going to school. Lots of tears and tantrums later we get out the door and into the car, she is upset and doesn't want to go. I've sat down with her lots and tried to get to the bottom of what is bothering her. I've spoke to teachers. She says she simply just wants to be with me all day, the day is too long and she misses me.

The mornings are so difficult at the moment. Her teacher said this morning she goes in perfectly well when her dad takes her, but basically it must be something that I am doing because she clings onto me and will not let go of me. She said I need to be having a firm word with her this weekend. I walked away really annoyed. The last thing I want to do every morning is walk away from my hysterical child who is being pulled off me!!

Does anybody have any advice on how I can get her in and have stress free mornings?

Have you tried transition objects?
DD2 had trouble parting from me on and off to y6. We gave her a very small soft toy she could have in her hand as she stepped over the threshold. It went in her bag during the day but she could get it out at lunch if she wanted.
Other people use e.g. a scarf with your perfume on it.
I do think you need to be firm given she is fine when others drop her, like ripping off a plaster.
Otherwise a sticker chart to reward her with going in well?
Or school to give her a job to do if she goes in quickly and thus has time?

@TeenPlusCat Yes she takes a soft toy in with her. The only way I get her to walk in now is letting her use a scooter and she seems to like riding in and stops her dragging her feet. But getting her over that door is so tricky. I did use to use a sticker chart, but I could reintroduce this as it was a little while ago now.

I try my best to be firm but she just attaches herself to my leg and it's difficult to get her to let go. I could ask the teacher about a job that she can do to maybe try and encourage her.

Have you asked her Dad what happens when he drops her? What does he do differently? Does she struggle leaving you to go with him or is it on his access days? What do you do when she refuses to let go and starts bawling?

I've been in a very toxic dynamic with her dad so at the moment I do not want to contact him. I've asked DD why she goes in well for him, and she says he shouts louder. I guess I'm just too soft, but I need to start getting stricter with her, as I know I'm not doing us both any favours. No she doesn't struggle leaving me to go to his or to go with family, its just school.

I try and comfort her and get her excited to see her friends but it never works.

You aren't too soft she is just comfortable showing her true feelings to you. That said sounds like as she goes in for Dad then her reason of missing you may be true. I would explain I miss you too but every child has to go to school. I realise you don't want to but you have to and clinging on to me in the playground makes it harder not easier. Then some sort of reward system for going in without complaining.

You are her safe person of course she doesn’t want to leave you. She’s still little.

What about the stamps you can put on the uniform that say you are giving her a hug - or something along those lines.

DS1 was like this for a little phase in y2.
I would stick with the long goodbye if that is what she needs.
Also stress what you are doing - going to work etc so she understands staying at home isn't an option.
It will pass and soon she will be running off without saying goodbye.

If you are separated, she could be genuinely worried she won't see you at the end of the day?
Have you tried making clear plans for after school? e.g. buying some biscuits and then saying in the morning you'll decorate them after?

I have seen a few friends go through this over the years - and to be honest it happened when there was family stress and when there was none! Thankfully school were on the ball a few things I noticed, - school parent rep.had a few friends bump into child on way in and kids ran in together, Principal was "wandering around outside" looking for a helper with a very important job . Teacher had tasked a child to "help" another child with their bag as they had a "sore hand" - I think it was breaking the pattern. The tears didn't stop immediately but I definitely helped the children. My lad had wobbles in pre school - so I used to draw a kiss on the back of his hand. Take a deep breath - bright breezy, and then you can shed a tear once she is out of sight if necessary.

Have a read (or reread) of "How to talk so kids can listen, listen so kids can talk"

Lots of empathy around you both missing each other when she is in school. Lots of talk around how you can hold each other in your hearts and you are always there just like you are when she is with Daddy etc

My 5 year old is the same, he says he misses me and doesn’t want to say goodbye but is hysterical at drop off. I’ve done a lot of googling and now I am calm but firm. I’ve also spoken about how I would like a happy goodbye because it makes me sad to see him crying. 🤷‍♀️ His teacher says it’s very common at this age. So no answers but hope it passes

I have been there and it is tough.

I made it clear however much I wanted to spend time with him school was non negotiable - he simply had to go. Both of mine have liked visual timetables of what the day involves in order to get home - breaking it down so they understand what needs to be achieved.

Then managed yourself as much as you can - try (and I know it is very very difficult) to keep your emotions in check as much as you can calm and firm

Mine didnt like crowds either - for a time in Year 1 he went in via the office. Now he arrives 5 minutes before the door opens so he is in and settled before too many arrive

Does she have to go to school? Is home education a possibility? Or flexi schooling? Maybe she'd do better just doing mornings or 3 days a week instead of 5. (There's a flexischooling group on Facebook that can offer advice in how to approach this with the school).

My six year old is so similar. We've started using Bluetooth headphones on the way to school. She listens to an audio book on my phone which helps her focus on something else and means I don't get so stressed out by her nagging me.

The headphones disconnect from my phone after I've already left, she seems to kind of like that the headphone tells her when we're disconnected from each other.

We also found scooting to school helps. The biggest help though tbh was speaking to her teaching assistant (who is SO much better than her teacher) and I now do a direct handover with her, so she gets that 1 to 1 attention she needs from someone she trusts if she does get upset when I leave.

Hope to help, the clinging to me/nearly knocking me over and having a meltdown every morning was really getting me down, mornings are slowly getting less stressful now. Still some moaning and nagging but better than it was!

Can you arrange to meet a friend of hers and parent on the way?

You'll have to sort it out, my sister was like this (much younger than me) tantrums everyday. She still lives with her parents at 50 and won't leave home.

How helpful 🙄

She might well still be learning the skill of how to separate from the person you depend on totally, and love.

You need to be consistent and firm but also loving and sensitive. She isn't trying to be naughty or ruin your life. She is a small person struggling.

You can help by saying that she can think about you during the day and that you will be thinking about her. That you will keep her in your mind, and you will look forward to reuniting with her, that all children have to learn this, and all children have to go to school, and that she can learn it too and you will help her to learn it.

And just repeat repeat repeat .... that you hold in mind when you are apart, and that you will see her again later and you will be together again then. That you miss her too, but even though you miss her it is right that she goes to school so that she can learn, and have friends, and grow up.

It’s totally not your fault, the school need to address it. Year one teacher used to meet my crying child every day and distract/ take them in. There’s lots they can do to ease the transition. How is she during the day/ when you pick her up? Sometimes it a sign of something wrong- bullying/ SEN etc?

There is a Facebook group called not fine in school: family support for school attendance difficulties, it might be worth joining.

My youngest found separation hard at this age. I used to blow a kiss into his hand, and he would "put the kiss in his pocket" and I would say now whenever you get lonely or you miss me you have got my kiss in your pocket and you know you are going to see me later at home time.

I wouldn't despair as it is healthy that children face this and learn it at this age. Those confident children who skip off without a backward glance may be able to do so because they haven't yet REALLY engaged with the fact of separation.

It is a key lesson to learn in order to have healthy relationships in later life.

My DD was always a bit of a cling on too! Just keep reassuring her that you will collect her at the end of the day, talk positively about what she's going to do at school but acknowledge that she finds it hard and that you miss her too, but you have to go to work and she has to go to school.
I used to send a tiny knitted toy in with DD (not really allowed but small enough to go under the radar). She could keep it in her pocket and give it a very small cuddle at breaktime!

I have a daughter the same age who had similar experiences. The school were great and gave her a smooth stone with a calming picture to hold on to. Also a love heart cut in two, one with ‘Mummy’ and another with her name that we would exchange at drop offs. A teaching assistant would also be on hand to distract her with a few jobs. Lasted about a week or so and now she walks in just fine and doesn’t need those extra tools. Hope that helps x

I teach a child like this in Year 4. He will come in now but often had to get a passing adult to "sweep him up". (We are in an upstairs classroom so I can't meet children at the external door). However I have spoken to a member of staff called an ELSA to work with him and she did some social stories about how we leave our parents and see them again at the end of the day. She also talked to him about deep breathing to help. He's slowly been getting better.

As others have said, asking the teacher if they can have a special job. Or speaking to the TA can all help.

My DS took a little while to settle into nursery but he found it helped to say "see you at lunch time" so he was confirming when he would next see me. I'm desperately hoping this will work when he starts school next year and won't backfire on me.