Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

How to forget my son?

119 replies

lonelydad2022 · 16/04/2022 21:36

My son's mother and I have been in court for many months. I am trying to obtain access to him without any real progress. She doesn't want me in my son's life and will stop at nothing to prevent any kind of access. Even when I get access at some point in the future, she will make sure that I don't have a meaningful relationship with him. Every hearing is so draining that I am having problems with my health, at work and with my life in general. I am starting to think that it may be better to let it go for the good of everyone involved. So much hate between his parents cannot be good for him. I miss him so much so I don't know how I can forget him. Is that even possible? Can you forget you have a child in order to move on?

OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 17/04/2022 08:53

You can't forget your son but perhaps you could see a therapist for some short term therapy to help you with coping strategies. This is incredibly hard for you so don't underestimate it.

Pumperthepumper · 17/04/2022 09:03

[quote pennywiselives]@Pumperthepumper why don't you just leave the thread. You are offering zero intelligent/helpful input and are making a fool of yourself. [/quote]
Why don’t you leave the thread? You’re here to kiss the OP’s ego without any idea why they’re being blocked from seeing their kid - you could be enabling an abuser.

MoniJitchell · 17/04/2022 09:16

I've been the child in this situation. Please keep going and keep fighting.

My mum met left my dad for my now stepdad when i was 2. She tried to stop my dad having access because she wanted a neat little nuclear family, not a messy blended one.

My dad eventually got EOW and half of school hols and we have a nice relationship. I also have a nice relationship with my stepdad, unfortunately my mum is still a selfish narcissist so we have a strained relationship.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
JulesRimetStillGleaming · 17/04/2022 09:26

Maybe he cheated and she can't forget that and move on but the child doesn't deserve to suffer for whatever the issues between the parents are.

Annette32123 · 17/04/2022 09:44

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Annette32123 why so rude ?? [/quote]
I’m not being rude. I’m summarising what I have read and asking the Op to clarify if that is what he intended to say.

lollipoprainbow · 17/04/2022 09:49

@Annette32123 no you were being deliberately nasty. Don't pretend you were summarising.

mamaoffourdc · 17/04/2022 09:59

From a child that father "gave up" as it was too hard - keep fighting

Annette32123 · 17/04/2022 10:03

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Annette32123 no you were being deliberately nasty. Don't pretend you were summarising. [/quote]
No I really wasn’t.

Read back what the Op actually wrote.

I haven’t made any judgement at all and am not being unkind. I am asking a reasonable question in the context of what the Op has written, to clarify his position, before giving advice. Depending what his response is I would give different advice.

pennywiselives · 17/04/2022 10:14

@Pumperthepumper you sound either deranged or bitter. Maybe both. I'm not 'kissing anyones ego' 😂😂 how old are you? I'm offering helpful advice to someone in a horrible situation. If you have your own bizarre reasons for not believing the op simply leave the thread, no need to stick the boot in.

Pumperthepumper · 17/04/2022 10:24

[quote pennywiselives]@Pumperthepumper you sound either deranged or bitter. Maybe both. I'm not 'kissing anyones ego' 😂😂 how old are you? I'm offering helpful advice to someone in a horrible situation. If you have your own bizarre reasons for not believing the op simply leave the thread, no need to stick the boot in. [/quote]
You have absolutely no idea what the situation is. You’ve invented a scenario in your own head, and now you’re gatekeeping it to start a fight.

JeffThePilot · 17/04/2022 10:37

[quote Ridingoutthewaves]@TyrannosaurusRegina so have I and no contact for 17months is never the outcome without solid evidence[/quote]
Maybe that’s true in your local courts, but sadly not in mine. The delays can be absolutely ridiculous.

2Gen · 17/04/2022 10:48

Please do NOT forget him!!!
That will be SO hurtful and even damaging for him when he realises! Keep a special place for him in your heart, do what you can to gain the right to see him but seek professional help like counselling if it is grinding you down. Open an account for him , a high-interest one and make regular payments of what you can for when he comes of age so if he comes looking for you, or if you pass away, he will KNOW you never stopped loving a caring for him. Send Christmas and Birthday cards of you can. If his M throws them away, that's on her!
Lastly, I suggest having a letter stating how much you love him, have fought to keep your relationship with him and how you've a savings account for him, with a solicitor, or at least a trusted family member, to give to him when he comes of age and can decide for himself.
Children have the absolute right to be loved by both parents and for both parents to SHOW that love! If your ex won't let you see him and the courts won't help, do what I've suggested and then grieve. The grief will be just a bit less painful once you know you have done absolutely everything you can to keep your bond with your DS.
I'm sorry... for all 3 of ye, but most of all for your DS!

SensitiveNameChangeNow · 17/04/2022 13:42

I'm not sure if you are still there @lonelydad2022 but I do have some thoughts for you.

My DH was stopped from seeing his dad by his mum when he was small, she moved around/blocked access/delayed the courts over and over. He spent thousands of pounds and battled for a long time. He had to stop in the end but did try to contact him once he reached age 18 and then 21. DH had been brought up believing his dad abandoned them and refused to answer.

Unfortunately DH did not have a happy childhood. He hasn't spoken to his mum for 15years. It was nothing to do with his dad.

However he has, after 40 odd years, traced his dad and they have tentatively begun a relationship. He has had answers.

People are extremely harsh about these kinds of situations but after seeing the difficulties both men have had I can say that you have no judgement from me. Fight as LONG as you can. Spend as MUCH as you can. But when you run out of money and hope, you need to forgive yourself. People who say "they could never give up" are living in a fantasy world and have clearly never been through the horrific court systems/run out of money/been destroyed. I say this as someone who would have said I would never give up but honestly, seeing the devastation has been eye opening for me.

I'm so so happy to say their reunification has been amazing. My DH does not blame or resent his dad for giving up. I hope this brings you some peace.

Fundays12 · 17/04/2022 13:50

OP please look up parental alienation. It might be worth asking for a child welfare report or a child psychologist to send a report to the court. They will meet you, your ex and your son and can be very beneficial. Contrary to what a few posters on here think parental alienation exists and is exceptionally damaging to children as it’s a form of emotional abuse. Have you asked for contact via a contact centre? Supervised access may help your case. If court ordered and mum fails to turn up she could potentially face Contempt of court.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 17/04/2022 13:52

No empathy bypass here, just stating facts, he does sound like he is already moving on from his son because it's too hard for him to get access which is blocked for some unknown reason.

lollipoprainbow · 17/04/2022 14:05

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno nope he's asking how to move on from his son as it's so painful not to see him anymore, maybe try reading the post properly ?

lollipoprainbow · 17/04/2022 14:06

I'm not sure if you are still there @lonelydad2022 but I do have some thoughts for you.

I doubt it after some of the vile responses on here !!

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 17/04/2022 14:12

17 months of no contact is very unusual and makes me think there must have been an abusive relationship? My sil tried to block my bil from seeing kids and within a month the court granted access. Could you try and get supervised visitations?

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 17/04/2022 15:20

Hey. X I understand what your saying. I have been to court multiple times! Probably about 14! It is now over and done with and the kids live with me permanently.
Regardless, your solicitor is correct it does take a very long time, it's very very tough with the constant adjournments etc etc.
My thought are that you will constantly be living with retreat if you bail out now, esp if your solicitor says you will get contact. If your are a true loving father you will struggle to compartmentalise not seeing your child.

If you continue and gain access or what ever happens, but you see it to the end you will gain some level of closure. I honestly don't think you will/can if you don't see it till the end.
It felt like it would kill me some days, the anxiety, fear of the next hearing. Not to forget all the emails from my solicitor and communication from other professionals. But you have to learn to live with it and through it! Walk a lot, go to the gym etc etc. Plan ahead and except that your anxieties will be much higher just before a hearing .
Try and get it so that you pick your child up from nersery/school. Make them aware of the court order so it's harder for the mother to stop you seeing the child. Also if she does decline you having the child, the school/nursery will be involved. It is very hard to ensure contact does goes ahead with or with out a court order if the other parent is refusing. This is food for thought though, as there are many different ways contact can take place to minimise the risk of your ex not allowing it.
Further more keep a detailed diary of when contact is refused, you can take this back to court and self represent. Apart from the court fee, it won't cost you.
Push for what you know is right for your child. Has supervised contact been suggested?

IncompleteSenten · 17/04/2022 15:21

Not if you love them, no
You fight. Every day.

bringon2020 · 17/04/2022 20:12

17 months and you are giving up?? That's not even twice the time a woman carries the baby, and you think it's long enough to give up? On a son? Nice.

Original poster
lonelydad2022 · 17/04/2022 20:41

Thanks a lot for the kind advice. I have read the whole thread and I have been encouraged by the replies. Only a person that has dealt with the UK family court understands the hopelessness of the whole process, the anguish when a hearing approaches, the despair when the hearings are adjourned after 4 months of wait, the deep sadness that lingers for weeks after another hearing with no progress, the anger against judges that don't even read the statements and bundles that took weeks to prepare and the anxiety for the months and months between the hearings. I have my advice now. Thanks all.

OP posts:
SpinningMeSoftly · 17/04/2022 21:00

I'd get a different solicitor tbh. Not even supervised contact arranged in the past 17 months?

Plus what @TheAverageUser said - therapy for coping strategies.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 17/04/2022 21:36

I couldn't agree more. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done! That's with the kids living with me. Must be harder when your trying to gain access. It was a true feet or injurance. But it was 💯 worth continuing with. My kids don't see their father, which of course is very sad. But they are now safe, he was given every opportunity to change, and chose not to. I think what I'm trying to say is that, the outcome was the best one for the children. You know what is in the best interest of the child, if it's for him to have his father in his life, you need to continue fighting. Just take every single day at a time.
Feel free to pm me.

strawberrycheesecake1989 · 17/04/2022 21:37

Best of luck to you. Sounds incredibly tough. Keep strong.