How to forget my son?

[lonelydad2022]

My son's mother and I have been in court for many months. I am trying to obtain access to him without any real progress. She doesn't want me in my son's life and will stop at nothing to prevent any kind of access. Even when I get access at some point in the future, she will make sure that I don't have a meaningful relationship with him. Every hearing is so draining that I am having problems with my health, at work and with my life in general. I am starting to think that it may be better to let it go for the good of everyone involved. So much hate between his parents cannot be good for him. I miss him so much so I don't know how I can forget him. Is that even possible? Can you forget you have a child in order to move on?

When women come on here no one questions them, posters just give advice
That’s absolutely not true. Posters will always ask for more details, then get suspicious when an op says they ‘have their reasons’ for cutting off their child. That would not be ignored no matter what sex the op was.

Op, your child is still very young. Youve not been fighting long. Keep going. What reason did the child’s mother give for not wanting you to have contact? What is the latest advice from your solicitor?

All but one of your posts mention ‘moving on’, not much about how your child’s life will be affected, which is the only thing that’s relevant.
The reason why your ex doesn’t want you near the child is obviously highly pertinent, without that, any advice is irrelevant.

Personally, as hard as it sounds and does sound unbearable what you're going through and I also have literally no experience in this, but as long as you are a good dad and you know you bring value to his life then you should keep fighting. Until he's 18 if you have to. When he's older he'll see that and recognise that and hopefully be able to put that above any stories his mum has spun him.

From how you speak about him I think he's really lucky to have you as a dad and think you should keep fighting! Good luck x

Some of you posting on here are absolutely horrible.

[quote Ridingoutthewaves]@lonelydad2022 I can’t think how it’s possible for one parent to stop another seeing their child at all unless they have very good reason and good evidence of that. It’s just not how the family courts work. If the four agrees you have no contact with your child for 17months there must be evidence that has been evaluated at a fact finding hearing. I know these procedures can take a long time but you would have interim access in a contact centre at least. Without further info this is the only conclusion i can come to.[/quote]
You are incredibly incorrect. Massively so.

@YRGAM

Some of you posting on here are absolutely horrible.

Like the person vaguely posting about wanting to move on from his kid? I don’t see any absolutely horrible replies?

@NewandNotImproved yours was one of them

How though?

Courts are generally all for the child, they are not arsed one jot about the parents. This must be a complex case if it's dragging on like this. It's rare that a woman will cut the father out with no valid reason. There's possibly more to the story here, and we're only hearing one side. If she had no cause for concern you would have access granted

OP says his ex has reasons to not want him to have contact with the child, so it’s a pretty major factor in what replies could be helpful. How’s that ‘absolutely horrible’, specifically?

So yes I think you should move on and let the child decide when they are old enough to understand

I posted a supportive message here earlier but I was so appalled at the responses from some female posters I asked for it to be removed. A poster above thread has already highlighted the difference in responses because he is a male poster. ITS A PARENTING BOARD FFS- that can be a guy too.

@NewandNotImproved

How though?

Have a think about it for a while if you need...

@MissMaple82

Courts are generally all for the child, they are not arsed one jot about the parents. This must be a complex case if it's dragging on like this. It's rare that a woman will cut the father out with no valid reason. There's possibly more to the story here, and we're only hearing one side. If she had no cause for concern you would have access granted

Not necessarily. Are there not lots of threads from female posters where male partners gain access despite all kinds of stuff- are women not capable of this too? Your worldview is very gendered and pretty biased.

As I said: OP says his ex has reasons to not want him to have contact with the child, so it’s a pretty major factor in what replies could be helpful. How’s that ‘absolutely horrible’, specifically?
And, how do you know what sex people posting are?

You can’t and shouldn’t forget him. But I’m not sure how you manage the heartbreak. Can you get professional help? I’m not in contact with my adult DD who has severe MH problems and scapegoats me. She has changed beyond recognition, refuses to get help and uses her DC as pawns to cause further pain. It’s the last thing I think of at night. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up. The pain of missing them is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced My health is suffering. I love them all so much but am utterly powerless to make the situation any better. I can relate to the pain you are feeling. I wish I could advise you but maybe it’s enough for now to accept gnat you are bound to feel terrible and to hope that one day things will change. In the meantime I’d look into counselling if you can afford it.

No I don’t think you should give up. The court recognises that if is in the best interests of children to have a relationship with both their parents. Do you are more than likely to be awarded contact.

So why would you give up??

Your kid is 3 years old, you've spent a few months going through the process of getting contact, and now you want to give up because its difficult and you think your ex may be difficult?

In all honesty I don't think it will take much for you to be able to move on.

You sound like you're already half way there.

The reason why your ex doesn’t want you near the child is obviously highly pertinent, without that, any advice is irrelevant.

No it isn’t. People only want to know so they can judge.

I have no idea how you would go about forgetting your child. I guess you move on, taking one day at a time.

It’s perfectly possible, my father did it. Not advisable though. He divorced my mother when I was around 7. My mother was very abusive and I used to fantasise that he come and get me but she moved far away without telling him and he didn’t find us until I was 13. He tried to get access then but she blocked him and moved again! I remember being told by a half sibling (not his child) that he’d contacted my mother but she’d said no at that time. He must have given up then.

We didn’t met again until I was 38. He told me that he thought it better to stay away so as not to cause trouble but I really could have done with him in my life! We had no connection and I was carrying a lot of anger towards him for not trying harder so we only met a few times, not in contact now. He built a new life and put it away in a box so he said.

Your situation is different as your DC would only have been 18 months to 2 years old when he last saw you and he’s now 3. He probably won’t really remember you or be affected by you not being there at the moment sadly. It’s perfectly reasonable to give it a break for a while, recuperate and gather energy for the next battle. Approach it from a professional or job stand point rather than an emotional one (I found that helps with trying to get my DS support for his SN).

Do you live near to him? Perhaps when he starts school, you could arrange access where you pick him up from there so your ex can’t block it?

@MissMaple82

Courts are generally all for the child, they are not arsed one jot about the parents. This must be a complex case if it's dragging on like this. It's rare that a woman will cut the father out with no valid reason. There's possibly more to the story here, and we're only hearing one side. If she had no cause for concern you would have access granted

The case is dragging because there have been multiple hearings adjourned. Every adjournment means another 3 months added to the wait. There are multiple INVALID reasons why a parent may want to stop access (e.g. she wants her new partner to be the child's only father, she wants to move to another country without asking the other parent, she wants to raise the child with a different religion without asking the other parent, etc.). These are just examples. You don't know me or her but you are assuming that her reasons are valid.

@TyrannosaurusRegina so have I and no contact for 17months is never the outcome without solid evidence

@NewandNotImproved

As I said: OP says his ex has reasons to not want him to have contact with the child, so it’s a pretty major factor in what replies could be helpful. How’s that ‘absolutely horrible’, specifically? And, how do you know what sex people posting are?

Missing out on empathy there thats for sure.

Again, what has your solicitor said?

You can't, it's not possible.

I've given birth to 4 DC's, I only have 3 with me. My eldest was taken from me at birth due to domestic violence (toward me, not by me)

I was only allowed contact with him twice per week, for two hours at a time in a contact centre for the first six months of his life before he was adopted without my consent.

I have never seen him since but I think about him multiple times per day, every day.

All you can do is fight, and once that has been exhausted then the only choice you have left is to wait.. because you never forget. You can't.