Please help me decide on a third by sharing experiences of having three or being one of three siblings

[carbibarbie]

I have a son who is 3 and a daughter who is is 1 and currently am 36yo. My husband and I had decided that two was enough for us but recently we've both started opening up the possibility of having a third. However, this would be a massive deal for us (as any child is!) in that financially it would be a strain to have another maternity leave, let alone fund another child's life. We are comfortable but wouldn't be able to offer the same level of opportunities that we would with two (clubs, holidays etc) and childcare would be costly and hard. I also wonder whether that because we have one of each, would a third change the dynamic of their relationship/my relationship with each of them? I'm really interested to know about how others have found this, does one child always get left out, is middle child syndrome really a thing? Is it hard to maintain closeness to all three? I love the idea of a busy house with lots of love, laughter and friendship, I just can't seem to get over the idea that I am done with babies but perhaps I will always be broody? Has anyone else experienced forever broodiness?

STOP!! Don't do it.

Honestly, whilst I love my youngest he's harder work than the other two together ten times over.

Notice the financial cost more, especially holidays, food, cars, taxis etc, things are geared up for families of 4.

I speak a bit in jest, we did want a third but he's been non stop from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him.

Life would be much easier (and us richer) had we stopped at 2

Three happened to us without a great deal of planning and I’d say there is a lot more love and laughter in our house as a result. But… there is a need to step up organisation and logistical skills so much just to get through. Friends with three who don’t have both parents Fully On It (I’m thinking about those where both parents work, don’t know any with three at home and a SAHP) really suffer because the drudgery is high. Once they start school then you need even more headspace to keep up with the requests, the friendship groups, the uniform etc - it’s hard. Three also means that the parent who it has one child has the easy deal - time off is hard to negotiate.

But: I do love having three. But (not wishing the un existence of any children) I look at some families where a third has bought such more chaos I wonder if two would have been easier for them…

just to add I had very much wanted 4 but as he was such hard work from birth (also had medical issues necessitating regular hospital trips) that we realised we had to stop at 3.

He's 13 now and it took until he was 7/8 before I finally stopped feelibg broody, although DH was snipped after youngest was born as just couldn't have coped with any more. Wouldn't have been fair on the others

I’ve been having similar dilemma - I’m 35 with an almost 4 and an 18 month old, one boy one girl. I’m one of 3 and always wanted 3; DH also one of 3 but thinks 2 is enough!

I think having one of each sex already means there may be less chance of middle child syndrome than 3 of the same sex because you will always have oldest boy/oldest girl and then the younger one.

I’m torn because I have a 2.5 year gap between them and I’d like probably 3-3.5 year gap this time, but that would mean a 6-6.5 year gap between oldest and youngest and I think that might be too big to make family life enjoyable. But I can’t face getting pregnant again any time soon as the baby still doesn’t sleep through and I’m still bf so maybe that means it won’t happen!

3 here18,15, 10 (& 2 v grown up DSC)

I think it would have been easier if we had not left a five yr gap before no 3. These days he's a bit like an only child despite having 4 siblings!

This is absolutely amazing market research! Thank you so much everyone

@FolkSongSweet so do you think you will go for it? My problem is that, I'd be keen for a big age gap but I'm too old. But interestingly I thought it would be easier if the older ones were in school but it seems from another post that school continues to be chaos.

I'm a middle child (all girls) and I guess middle child syndrome is a thing 😂
I'm glad I have a younger sister though as despite the age difference being bigger between us we are much closer than I am with my older sister. Youngest is a bit closer to her than I am though.

Being a family of 5 is hard work though in terms of everything being set up for 2 adults and 2 children, holidays, eating out etc and that's something I noticed as a child!

Definitely go for it.
We have three (and I was one of three myself) and it has always worked very well.
We have 7 years between DS1 and DS3 so they were never at the same school which was a pity. It's meant we've had 25 years with a dependent child at home which some might not want, but I've loved it (they are all in their 20s now).

I had 3 and I wish I hadn’t. It really depends on the kids but my middle is definitely unhappy and I can imagine she would have been a different child if she had been the baby of the family. Obviously all of the kids have struggled with the covid issues over the past two years so maybe we were just unlucky but honestly, I hadn’t realised when we were in the happy baby years how much tougher it would get as they grew older. It’s not certain that you will have the happy troupe that you envisage now, although you might get lucky!

I’m the eldest of three (third unplanned). It’s lovely having 2 siblings but middle sibling definitely suffered and I was left to ‘get on with it’ being the eldest, meanwhile the youngest had to ‘slot in’. Basically my parents didn’t have time for 3 kids (dm was a sahp and they had plenty of money at that time, not so later). I always thought I’d have 3 but having had 2 myself I think 3 is a massive stretch on time and money and I would never do it. I think you have to really really want 3 children. I’ve had friends who have had a third who have said the same. It’s bloody hard work.

I was the youngest of 3 OP and honestly, my experience was that I was largely ignored, quiet, shy, learned to get on with things myself. I don't remember ever spending 1:1 time with either of my parents until my brothers had both left home, so maybe a small handful of occasions ever. I have 2 now and I'm very much done even though I know I will feel broody (haven't yet). I love being able to spend 1:1 time with them and it's always possible for us to do this at the weekend. That's one of the key deciding things for me.

I wanted a third until DC2 started school. DH was always adamant that we wouldn't be having another.
The DC are now 12 & 9 and, for the past few years, I have regularly thanked DH for making the right decision. My thanks are partly in jest but our lives just wouldn't be as they are now if we'd had a third. I just don't think it would have been possible for us to continue in the jobs that we both enjoy; the DC wouldn't have been able to do half of the activities that they do and, as (surprisingly) they have both turned out to be pretty sporty, I think they would have missed out; and we wouldn't be able to enjoy the quality of life that we currently do ... and that would have taken a further hit had DH or I had to change jobs or reduce our hours.
Another big point for me and one which I'm embarrassed to admit is that, when it comes down to it, I just don't think I could have been bothered to parent a third child. Other than not sleeping for 2.5yrs, DC1 was a breeze, hitting milestones early, starting school able to read & write the basics, pretty easy going etc. DC2 was not. Oh, and he didn't sleep until just before he turned 4. Everything has been an effort for him. He has hit all of his milestones but always at the beginning to get worried stage if not referred to a specialist stage. I still shudder when I think about his reception year and trying to get him to look at his reading book let alone actually sound out a word.
On the other hand, when I see friends with 3 and the relationships their children have with each other I do think perhaps we should have gone for it. Selfishly, statistically it increases the chances of one of them living close by when they're older, or producing grandchildren & all of those sorts of things.

I’m the youngest of 3. Big age gap between me and my elder brother & sister. I didn’t mind because I was the youngest but I often felt like an only child but I am jealous sometimes of siblings who are closer in age and have better relationships.

I have 3 and it’s fantastic I honestly love it but I think if I was making the choice now I’d stop at 2 because things are just so expensive right now and I wouldn’t want to not be able to offer all my children the same
Opportunities or have to cut back on things the 2 I already have do to make sure we can afford to live. If money wasn’t an issue I’d say go for it.

I'm the youngest of 3. There's a 9 year and 6 year age gap between me and my DBs. Growing up my youngest DB definitely suffered from middle child woes. I was the longed for girl . I was tiny, cute and very precocious. Older DB was a talented musician and got a lot of attention for that. Middle DB acted out a lot in his teens. We all get on very well as adults. Middle DB is my best friend. Oldest DB was very close to me as a child and was like a mini dad. My DM found having 3 really exhausting and both struggled financially to cope.

I have 3 with 2 years between each, and whilst I love them all dearly I wish I’d stopped at two. I didn’t find the transition from 2 to 3 that bad, but it’s as they’ve got older it’s got harder, and now they are all at school and doing other activities it’s much harder than having 3 tiny ones in a lot of ways - we are on the go constantly and the endless list of stuff to remember is insane!
It does make for a lovely household though, and I do like that.

I have 4. I love the chaos and also that the kids’ relationships are not binary. If they are not getting on with one sibling there is another to play with. I do struggle to make time for them all and for myself, but then I think what they miss out on in terms of time with me they gain in time with each other. I do make sure I give each 15 minutes 1:1 a day though, just as a minimum. It is exhausting so I’d only do it if you really like kids.

I wanted 3. Dh wanted 2, and I reluctantly agreed for practical reasons.

When DC 1 was 2yo we had twins....he says I always get my own way

As much as love my mini-mob, the practicalities are expensive. Cars for example, you need one big enough for 3 lots of car seats. Holidays are all geared up for families of 4, so are disproportionately expensive. A trip to Disney Land Paris advertised as £800 for a family of 4 went up to £1400 when we asked for a price for 5

The house is noisy but full of love and laughter. They all play in various permutations, but they always have someone to play with, even if one wants some quiet time....

I can't imagine life with 2, but I do think it would be cheaper and easier with just two of them!

I don’t know anyone with 3 who’s happy

It’s such hard work. The washing is exhausting and non stop. When you are with one the other two can fight which is stressful, one of mine slammed the other ones foot in a door when I was changing the thirds nappy and that was a hospital trip with three children under 4.

Someone always doesn’t like something you’re cooking.

I’m one of three and it was fun but it’s very different parenting three than being one of three.

You’ve got to be happy to accept you are going to take about a third of the time you have for both your current children, and that only based on the assumption that your third is neurotypical. A child with SEN will take much more of it.

Holidays much more expensive, cars very limited and they fight in the back whilst your driving - more stress.

Honestly, just enjoy your life and being financially comfortable. It will take a lot from all of you.

I absolutely love my third but I’ve not enjoyed huge swathes of the last three years, it’s been relentless.

Oh yes and people really don’t want to look after three at once, so if you rely on grandparents you might find them less forthcoming. Play-schemes during school holidays can be up to £120 a day for three, and again, this is much harder if there is one with SEN.

Of course you wouldn’t be without your third but go into it with eyes open that life will be significantly less comfortable.

wouldn't be able to offer the same level of opportunities that we would with two

Your answer is here. It would disadvantage your children to do this.

I was one of 3 ( youngest ) , all girls and we all get on well . The middle one is my best friend and always has been , there is 17 months between us . The eldest is 4 yrs older than me .

I'm one of three and we all get on well, always did, apart from usual sibling squabbles.

But things are so tight financially these days for most people, that i think having more than two is an enormous stress on all but the wealthiest families. I stopped at two. Felt broody but am so glad in retrospect.

We have three. I wouldn't change it because we'll they are my much loved children.

Would I do it again. Yes, although I have no idea why.

My three don't get on. They don't fight or bicker - they don't have anything in common. DS1 is 20, DS2 is 17, DD is 14. They may as well be strangers.

It's hideously expensive. Three lots of school fees, clothes, trips, instruments.

There is never a time when one isn't needing something. As little one's they would tag team illness, terrible twos etc. Now they are older It's more serious stuff - mental health issues, friendship issues etc.

I have no idea why we did it. It's relentless, expensive and sometimes just not pleasant.

I'm the eldest of 3 and I'm very close with my youngest sibling (4 years younger) but not so much the middle one, but to be fair that's more down to personalities.

With my own dc, going from 2 to 3 dc was the hardest jump for me (although it was 3 under 5.) Even though it was only 1 more it felt like everything became so much harder!
On a positive note, numbers 4, 5 and 6 were really easy ! 😂