Please help me decide on a third by sharing experiences of having three or being one of three siblings

[carbibarbie]

I have a son who is 3 and a daughter who is is 1 and currently am 36yo. My husband and I had decided that two was enough for us but recently we've both started opening up the possibility of having a third. However, this would be a massive deal for us (as any child is!) in that financially it would be a strain to have another maternity leave, let alone fund another child's life. We are comfortable but wouldn't be able to offer the same level of opportunities that we would with two (clubs, holidays etc) and childcare would be costly and hard. I also wonder whether that because we have one of each, would a third change the dynamic of their relationship/my relationship with each of them? I'm really interested to know about how others have found this, does one child always get left out, is middle child syndrome really a thing? Is it hard to maintain closeness to all three? I love the idea of a busy house with lots of love, laughter and friendship, I just can't seem to get over the idea that I am done with babies but perhaps I will always be broody? Has anyone else experienced forever broodiness?

Not the most pressing reason but ... do not underestimate the impact of having three children on the costs of things which are geared up to families of four, such as cars and holidays. I've just organised a family long weekend holiday for thirteen of us

I had no idea how many hotels allow a maximum of two adults and two children in a hotel room. Adding one more child meant that we needed two interconnection rooms to accommodate the family of five.

Every single time they stay somewhere, almost everywhere, it's double the cost compared to the family of four.

I'm not saying g do not do it but ...

I have 2 boys and a girl, DD totally unplanned. We’d agreed to talk about a 3rd at some point in the future, but then she came along anyway.

I’ve loved it. My DS2 is very outgoing, the life and soul of every party, so hasn’t really suffered from being in the middle — that might be a strategy he evolved to find his place between a fairly serious big brother and cute little sister, but it’s worked for him.

I might be looking at the early years through rose coloured glasses but now they’re at uni/ doing A levels / doing GCSEs respectively and they have lovely relationships. It’s amazing to see them becoming adults already, and both wonderful and secretly sad for me to see their relationships becoming adult relationships that don’t involve me like they used to

I’m the eldest of three, with a narrow age gap between me and Sibling 2, and a bigger gap between siblings 2 and 3.

We would have been a better balanced family if we’d been four children (which was what my parents actually intended). The problem with three is that it divides naturally into 2 + 1, and my experience was that someone was usually left out (and because of different interests and temperaments, that someone was usually me).

Benefits for me: I love having more than one sibling, including of both sexes - very different relationships with them.

Disadvantages: As the eldest, it wasn’t really very convenient for me to show need (eg emotionally). I was definitely expected to get on with it as the eldest. This has created some quite damaging behaviour patterns both for me and more widely within the family.

Money was tight growing up, although not to the extent that we didn’t have what we needed - but I was in my teens before I had my own bedroom and that really mattered to me. I would have been happier with my own space long before then.

These days, car seats and holidays (and even daft things like packet sizes for stuff like a box of lollies from the supermarket, etc) would be factors for me. As well as the cost of childcare and my ability to meet all my children’s needs.

DH and I have two and will definitely not be having three.

If you want three, and feel confident you can provide for them all, then go for it - but go into it with your eyes open.

We planned for 2 but the second was twins. They are 8 and 5 now. As others have said things like cars and holidays are expensive and having 3 in nursery at once was quite horrendous financially but luckily it wasn't for very long.
I worry our eldest feels left out sometimes as the twins are so close, same age, in same class at school etc. However, they generally play well together and look out for each other. I wouldn't change it!

I have DD18 DS17 and DD15. It's great. They all get on really well and I love having 3.

Don't do it unless you are really desperate.

We have 3 kids and there is a 4.5 year gap between. The oldest and youngest.

The first year I nearly lost the plot it wax so hard.

Mine are now 6, 9 and 10. It's. Or so physically tiring because they can all dress themselves.

But, raising three children to be competent adults is exhausting. Being a PA for the kids is almost a full time job in itself,

The emotional support kids need is huge and honestly no one knows what the hell they are doing.

We moved abroad for the lifestyle and paid help, which makes things manageable, but I am mentally and physically broken from trying to raise them.

I love them to bits but they have caused havoc.

Some people are good with lots of kids, but I am not.

This is really interesting, we're expecting number three (unplanned) and have looked at the families around us with three kids and thought it looked good busy. That said, I think I'd be feeling a lot less optimistic about it all if we weren't already in a place where we have friends with similar aged kids in walking distance, they can all go to the same school (same sex), and we're already used to paying for full time childcare so it's not actually that much of a shock. We also have a bigger gap so should only have 2 at uni at a time, and family who would be able to help out financially and practically in a crisis. I'd definitely have a better look at the finances as it is going to be a lot more expensive in the long run and, even on a good (and growing) income we will definitely have to adjust slightly, not helped by the effect of another maternity leave on my career.

Thank you everyone, it is so interesting reading these comments and soooo helpful to get honest real life perspectives. I have to admit, the honesty is really reassuring me that having another wouldn't be just a bed of roses. Keep them more x

I mean, keep them coming. Clearly just the two of them have exhausted me to the point of speaking jibberish haha😂😂

I’m one of three. The middle one. Felt very overlooked and like I was either completely invisible or being compared to my older or younger or siblings. I’m very different to them both, and often felt left out. I was never good at making friends, I didn’t really get the opportunity to learn as I was either being bossed about by my older sibling or I was having to drag the younger one everywhere with me. I don’t really remember ever getting to do anything that was just for me. We all get on fine as adults but I wouldn’t describe us as particularly close. I don’t think it’s anything my parents did wrong, particularly, it just all didn’t really work personality wise.

I am one of three (youngest) and have 3.
I have a 6.5 years from oldest to youngest with my DS between two DD's. They are unbelievably close, all in their 20's now, and over the years I have seen each of them drop everything to help one another out.
But like PP say, over the years the extra costs re holidays, cars and, for me, school fees have been colossal.
I still felt broody for a 4th but thankfully head (and DH) ruled heart.

Bobbin, my older (middle) sibling could've written that. Sorry you had a bad experience. This is why I stopped at two.

Maybe I'm just lucky that my two happen to be like best friends as adults (although plenty of bickering when young!). It makes me so happy because it's something I never had. Two's company, three's a crowd IMO.

@Isonthecase how old are your kids now? Mine were 5 and 8 when third was born and it was fine. They're now 6, 9 and baby almost 11 months. I found it so much easier this time around and I know baby is still young. The older ones are at school and I spend time with the baby in the mornings. I'm due back to work in 8 weeks time, I guess that's when the real work begins although I have booked a cleaner 😂

@carbibarbie not sure what age gaps you're looking for and a lot people with three on this thread (with the exception of one or two) seem to have babies back to back with under 3 years gap. Fine if you're having two kids but very demanding if three kids. Our first two have 2.5 years exactly between them and we decided to wait to see if we really want a third and in the end decided we did. It has been fine and probably easier than 0-1 transition. I totally do not like the baby phase so I braced myself for it but was pleasantly surprised this time.

We put a lot of thought before having DC1 and DC3 and I'm glad we did it as I feel so complete. It felt like someone was missing all these years. I'm an only child so that may be clouding my thoughts.

Regarding cars, due to my age gaps I only have one baby seat and two high back boosters. We all still fit into our hatchback for now 🤣

Hotels these days have family rooms that sleep up to 6 and even 8. Personally holidays will be the least reason for me not having a child. I figured by the time they get to age 12/14 they will be having their own hotel rooms.

My older two play a number of sports so lots of washing that would have happened without the baby. And there's also the baby's washing 🤣.
I have had to get a cleaner every fortnight as we can't seem to keep the house together. If there is an affordable chef equivalent I would have got one too haha!

Our lives are busier but that is to be expected with a baby. Oh and with my gap the older ones tend to bring bugs from school and while they don't fall ill, the baby falls ill.

Your kids are quite young, see how the next year plays out. You may change your mind in the end, enjoy your babies for now 😊

Youngest feels left out a lot.
Lots of tears.
Gets bullied by one of the older boys. Sibling dynamics are complicated.

I'm the youngest of 3. I always said I'd have 2 or 4, I have 2 and wouldn't have another as much as I want one because we couldn't afford 2 more iyswim?

I felt out of the loop and a spare part and just didn't like it. Also I'm still treated like a baby and im 40!

I have DD18 DS17 and DD15. It's great. They all get on really well and I love having 3.

If you are going to have three, this is the ideal IMO. All close in age with the "opposite sex" sibling in the middle. Then they all have something a bit 'special' about them- oldest, youngest, only boy/girl. Of course you can't plan these things!

I always wanted 3 but DH, as the middle child of 3, stood firm. 2 or 4 (nope!) was fine for him but as pp have said, 3 in his experience was always 2 against 1. I think he's a bit damaged by his place in the family tbh. Three is often a tricky number in friendships so I can see that it could be very tricky in families too.

Ultimately I don't think anyone can help you decide OP. It's an incredibly personal decision. I do think you need to absolutely love kids and being a parent to make it worth it. I still sort of yearn for the idea of three adult children, many grandchildren, and large extended family gatherings, but have realized that I never really would have been cut out to parent three young children!

Also make sure this isn't just broodiness on your part before jumping in. When my youngest was about 2 or 3 I had a real crisis, like who was I if I was no longer a mother of young children? It's such a special, if relentless, time. Now a couple of years on, with slightly more independent children and a thriving career, I am relieved that I don't have another baby underfoot.

@Chiefofstaff

I'm the youngest of 3. There's a 9 year and 6 year age gap between me and my DBs. Growing up my youngest DB definitely suffered from middle child woes. I was the longed for girl . I was tiny, cute and very precocious. Older DB was a talented musician and got a lot of attention for that. Middle DB acted out a lot in his teens. We all get on very well as adults. Middle DB is my best friend. Oldest DB was very close to me as a child and was like a mini dad. My DM found having 3 really exhausting and both struggled financially to cope.

Gosh this is very much like my family dynamic, including the age gaps. middle child has some additional needs so I am careful to build him up and give him attention. The oldest 2 were best buds but it’s become difficult as middle child’s needs have manifested in his personality. I find it a bit difficult doing things to suit all ages, so the little one gets dragged along to the oldest things but he can stay home if he doesn’t fancy what we’re doing. Youngest is like a sprite, I have no idea where she came from, funny, feisty, stubborn, strong, confident. We couldn’t do without her. It’s been hard sometimes, but worth it for us

Being the middle of 3 was not great for me.

I'm One of three and think my parents made a mistake. They couldn't afford it and quite often I was left to my own devices. I sometimes wonder how much better life would have been if they'd stopped at 2.
That being said, as an adult I appreciate having two siblings. We support each other a lot
I personally wouldn't have three due to my own experiences even though I don't feel done with babies

I'm the eldest of 3, in the interests of full disclosure it was an abusive and dysfunctional home no matter what but I will also say yes one is always left out and it's not necessarily the youngest.

The only one that was planned was my brother (middle) I was a shotgun wedding situation and youngest was a contraception failure. But is mums gc for sure!

It was mostly me left out in my case but I have friends who are in 3's too and even in more functional families there's always an odd one out if there's an odd number of siblings

My mum is one of 6 and they all get on very well and I do think part of it is they each had a "pair" a sort of bff within the family, dad was one of 5 and they were constantly falling out big time even as adults and I've noticed this in other families too. Even numbers seem to work better than odd.

In addition you say it would make money tighter - and that's with things not so bad (for you) at the moment. Cost of living price hikes are occurring again in October and next April so the experts say and not just on energy.

We don't really know what effect the Ukraine war will have on our or the world economy

Even within uk if you and dh split or one is made redundant and can't find another job, or whoever is the main earner becomes incapacitated or dies then the one left behind needs to find the money to raise 3 dc. I think (apologies if I'm wrong) that if that were to be the case and at least one of you became in the position where you had to claim benefits then I don't think you would receive main benefits for the 3rd child. Similarly cms is very minimal and you get less "extra" per each subsequent child - if you even get it at all! It's very poorly enforced in uk.

So unless a couple/parent is independently wealthy tbh I wouldn't recommend certainly not at the moment

Boy then girl with a two year gap is like baby jackpot. Unless you were much richer than you are I don’t see how adding another pregnancy then baby to that dynamic could ever outweigh the downsides. I say that as the youngest of three incredibly close siblings, and also as a mother of a son and a daughter with a two year age difference.

We agonised over the decision and if I'm honest I only considered three because a) we live in an area where there are many three-children plus families so I felt a kid of social pressure and b) I was worried that we might live to regret not doing it.

Anyway we decided NOT to go for it and while I'm sure I would have loved it with all my heart, I cannot help but feel a wave of massive relief for the fact we stuck at two.

Our dds are 16 and 18. They are for most of the time utterly delightful but life is complicated enough and I'm not a sucker for punishment. We have had a fair share of worries over the last few years particularly of dd2, who would have been a terrible middle child, and they are so, so expensive.

We have been able to give them the most amazing opportunities: long haul holidays, private tuition, private counselling, driving lessons and a car, their own (rather humongous) bedrooms, decent Christmas and birthday presents, generous monthly allowances, basically any school trip they want including a ski trip at one point pre-Covid. That makes them sound really spoilt. Perhaps they are, but they certainly acknowledge their privilege which is something. They also have weekend and evening jobs too, which is good.

Most importantly though, is time. I have been able to devote so much time to them. From dd1's university application process and learning to drive through to dd2s mental health issues and academic support. In fact, both girls need lots of time to talk things through, whether friendship issues, relationship and sex issues, academic issues etc. I'll never regret having the luxury of time to spend with them both especially as teenagers.

I am middle of three and also have three. Our third absolutely made our family. We adore having three - I would have had four if DH had been up for it. Loads of love, laughs, games and fun between them. 4 year gap. You need space, money and to be very organised to manage it well though, I would say. For eg our three do different activities so logistically that takes some doing. We love it though.

Just one word - teenagers.

Teenagers are expensive - clothes, school uniform, school trips, phones, laptops, support through university. Then there is the emotional load - friendship issues, bullying relationship issues, exam stress - GCSEs, A levels, UCAS. Never underestimate the mental load having teenagers brings.

I vote don't do it. They are only little (and malleable) for a short time.

I am one of three and I have three and I love it, I think it's a really nice family structure. We do have a gap in ages ds14, ds12 and ds8 and they do all get along great and fallings out or spots of tension are infrequent and roll over quickly.

I don't know why people feel the need to over complicate these things. If you want three and can manage the extra cost and logistics it's a wonderful way to build a family.