Please help me decide on a third by sharing experiences of having three or being one of three siblings

[carbibarbie]

I have a son who is 3 and a daughter who is is 1 and currently am 36yo. My husband and I had decided that two was enough for us but recently we've both started opening up the possibility of having a third. However, this would be a massive deal for us (as any child is!) in that financially it would be a strain to have another maternity leave, let alone fund another child's life. We are comfortable but wouldn't be able to offer the same level of opportunities that we would with two (clubs, holidays etc) and childcare would be costly and hard. I also wonder whether that because we have one of each, would a third change the dynamic of their relationship/my relationship with each of them? I'm really interested to know about how others have found this, does one child always get left out, is middle child syndrome really a thing? Is it hard to maintain closeness to all three? I love the idea of a busy house with lots of love, laughter and friendship, I just can't seem to get over the idea that I am done with babies but perhaps I will always be broody? Has anyone else experienced forever broodiness?

We are currently trying for a third, have an almost 8yr old and a 4yr old, both boys. I know lots of people with 3 and 4 children. Yes hard, but none of them regret it and generally love having lots of children.

I am 1 of 5, and currently pregnant with number 3.

I think it depends on the person / family. If your big on travel etc 2 is obviously a lot easier.

A lot of people iv spoken to say a 3rd just slots right in but don't have a fourth

I think three is probably the upper limit for anyone who doesn't have a deep passion for laundry.

Mine are all little so we will see how it goes.

I will say that before dc3 I was always wondering what our family would be like, imagining the family with different numbers of kids etc. As soon as dc3 was born it felt like everyone was here and we could look forward to the future together, whatever that might bring. It just feels right.

Currently sitting in bed drinking coffee with DH, dc 1 and 2 are between us watching cartoons and dc3 is crawling around happily unpacking the laundry basket. Lovely!

I love having three but there are big gaps and they all get on really well (always have) with no jealousy. Close together is probably harder work but ultimately a lot is about personality which you can’t predict! Good luck with your decision.

Thanks for this thread OP - reading it has made me think that 3 probably isn’t for us. I want a third I think because I’m one of 3 so just expected it, I like having tiny babies and have had easy pregnancies and births, and I think I slightly fear leaving the little kid stage behind as it means I’m getting older! Also had a horrible second mat leave due to covid so part of me wants to undo that. None of these are good reasons!

I also would love the feeling of a “team” of kids and really enjoyed that there was a group of us as kids. I have a great relationship with my siblings now and want that for my kids. My siblings are both single and probably won’t have their own children now so no cousins on my side of the family (though 3 on DH’s side).

As against that, a third would mean less time and money for the children I have. We have plenty of money but only because I work long hours in a stressful job, and it means I don’t have much time for the kids during the week. I think overall they would benefit more from more time and attention from me than an extra sibling. I’d be 36/37 when the third was born as well which obviously increases the risk of complications with the pregnancy and problems for the baby.

I'm the youngest of 3. My sister and brother have 2 each and I have 1. I just don't think our family ever worked as a unit but that probably wouldn't have been different with different numbers of children; hard to tell. There are great families of 3 that I know who seem to get it right but I shudder at the thought. The dynamic of being the youngest is one I still struggle with - so much going on that i wasn't old enough to understand and everyone constantly impatient with me because I didn't get it.

I am one of three and I also have three. I wouldn't change it, however we have 3 girls all within the space of 3 years and they all adore each other and its like a big best friend group. They are 10,9& 7. However that didn't work like that for my parents as I don't even speak to my sisters.

It is more expensive in lots of ways though so take that into consideration. Also if you do choose to have a third I think it's important to spend time one on one with them regularly as it can be easy to just group them all together.

I'm the middle of three girls. I don't know if it's worse because we are the same sex but it's shit. It wasn't so bad when we were children but as we've grown up, a lot of resentment has bubbled up. Two of us don't speak to the third, unless we absolutely must. It was also very noticeable when my elder sister and me got older, my younger sister had a lot more luxuries than we were able to have, due to the lack of money with three.

Personally, its hard for me as I'm the middle child. My sisters probably have a different reason for finding it hard.

I am eldest of three. Yes, loved having two brothers to grow up with and we get on now. But my mum was incredibly stressed and the impact of that on me and my youngest brother is lifelong.

DH and I are both the middle of three. We only had two children because we couldn’t afford four. We are both completely different from our siblings, definitely the odd one out in our families. I think it is why we bonded so quickly. We conducted a light hearted survey over the years and all ‘middles’ say the same thing.
To put it another way, DS said ‘ two isn’t enough but three is too many’.

We have three - I’m from a three and husband from a two and had to be persuaded to go for the third.
We have small age gaps which I think has meant it’s been harder initially but has paid off in terms of clubs and socialising. Two eldest especially can do the same clubs etc and don’t mind this.
It is tough in terms of holidays and cars but that wouldn’t have put me off.
I think life would be quieter and easier but I love the level of chaos really - I like the gang and bigger family feeling (not that three is a big family really)
I worried I’d be broody for more but it went away totally quite early on after dc3. Any more kids would break us I think!
Husband is a very active father and does his share - it wouldn’t be feasible otherwise. We have no family support and rely on each other totally.
I’d not change things - even when they’re all bickering in the car!!

@mdh2020

We conducted a light hearted survey over the years and all ‘middles’ say the same thing.

Exactly! I don't think I've ever met a middle child who doesn't hate it.

@FolkSongSweet 6 years between my eldest and youngest, different sex. They are the very best of friends, as they are with DS1.
DS2 wakes up every morning and goes straight into DDs room to give her a kiss. DD adores him.

My 3 are very, very close and I would recommend 3 to everyone, if they can afford it! It’s so, so much fun. I’m also one of 3 and never felt one was left out or any middle child syndrome.

Having said that, I don’t think you should have a 3rd if it would affect the life you can give your current children. You already have 2 so don’t make life difficult by having no spare money.

@mdh2020 @HunterHearstHelmsley me! I’m a middle. Love my siblings, never felt left out or different. Can’t say being a middle was ever a “thing” for me.

DH is a middle too, feels exactly the same as me. He’s just got 2 brothers, just feel anything else about it.

If my friends they are a three as adults

One is always the fixer Doing everything for he older parent
One is a spoilt lazy arse which causes resentment
The other is pretty independent

This is true of ALL my friends in a 3 sib family. And I know a good few

I'm one of three - the middle child.
I loved it growing up. I always had someone to play with then hang out with. One sibling could do their own thing and two still had each other.
We had fairly big age gaps between us though so I don't think my sisters were particularly close, although they got on and would do things together. We all got on fine as adults initially - well I got on with both of them. They have drifted apart though and no longer speak really.

I am also a mum of 3. Maybe because it's what I know? But I love it. My children are all much closer in age than me and my sisters (deliberately). They are closer in their relationships than my sisters and I were too. I work hard on that side of parenting but they also just gel well. Other people comment on how close they obviously are. The older two tell me 3 is better than 2 because when 1 wants time alone that's okay because the other two still have each other. They think it may be partly why they bicker less than some other siblings in families of 2. Who knows if they are right but it works for us.

The extra costs and the extra logistical balancing act of activities, play dates, who's got to take what into school aren't great. And I know the costs will get worse as they get into their teens. But it's not that 3 children costs 50% more than 2. Clothes, costumes for dress up days, books, toys, act are all passed down. That will happen less on the teen years but they are all worth every penny. The logistics again aren't 50% worse than for 2 - it's easier to give in to the chaos and accept it 😅

I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.

One of 3 here. I’m the eldest. We are now 32, 30 and 26. Girl, girl, boy.

Always been closest to the baby brother, although growing up always very much evident he was the favourite as the “last baby” and the boy.
No resentment at all on my part, just the way it was.

Middle child syndrome is very real for my sister and we do not get on, never have.

I’d say PP above about one “fixer”, one “spoilt lazy arse” and an “independent” one is also very true in some cases.

That said, I do believe it’s down to the parenting why some of these issues crop up.

DP is also one of 3, all boys, and is dead set on 3 of our own. This is because he had wonderful, involved and very loving parents and upbringing.

He is the middle one, no middle child issues and as adults they are all kind, good people and get on well.

So to summarise: I think there’s benefits to 3. If DB hadn’t come along I’d have no real sibling relationship now, as the situation would still have been the same with sis. I’m grateful for him.

I’m expecting our first atm, and will see how we go before “deciding” on 2 or 3. I say “deciding” as of course no idea what life will hand us / situations / what we may or may not be blessed with. Age also a consideration!

If you’d like a third and would manage financially then go for it. Money isn’t so important as being loved and cared for, this is what will make all the difference xx

Gosh I've been (deep) thinking further on this, and having explained my reasons for not having three of my own upthread I'd also like to add my own experience as the eldest of three. While I absolutely adore my brother and sister, it wasn't always plain sailing.

My brother and I were born very close in age and most of my childhood memories are just about me and him. My sister came along much later and while it was amazing to have a baby sister, our whole family dynamic changed. While I'm sure my parents would strenuously deny this (should they ever be challenged), my sister certainly seemed to be the favourite. She was born when mum and dad had their shit together emotionally and financially so it meant she had a much more loving and stable (and materially indulged) childhood. She was an adorable and easy baby, child and teenager. And incredibly lovable. Which didn't bother me at the time because I loved her to pieces but looking back I find it curious and quite sad that I grew up accepting that I was, as an awkward and distinctly uncute pubescent child then teenager^^ much less lovable than her, and my position in life in general was much less worthy than others'.

While my sister benefited, my brother and I suffered. Mum was completely absorbed in a little one the whole time my brother and I went through pre-pubescence through to leaving home. Our experiences such as holidays and day trips were completely limited due to my sister but worse was that I just didn't have parents that were there for me. Compared to the amount of minutiae I know about my own dds' lives, my mum knew nothing. I internalised everything, I developed an eating disorder, and I got heavily into drugs. While I've now made my peace with mum and dad, while my mum infuriates me in some ways she has finally chilled out a bit and started to actually listen to me (not that I go deep, I just talk to her about fairly mundane stuff) my brother has very little to do with them 😢

So anyway, I do have a bit of a biased view based on my own experience. I get quite irritated when people have another baby without really thinking it though. But well done op for giving it the consideration that such a decision deserves. I wish you luck whatever you do

Of course I love all my 3 children and my 3rd is an amazing little character.
But would I do it again? Actually I feel too awful answering that honestly because I could never wish her not here

But would I advise someone else to have 3 in my situation? No.
Especially with the age gaps I’ve got (7 years from oldest to youngest)
They squabble and I do sometimes think of how life would be a lot easier with only older children now. Its hard finding activities and days out they all want to do. It’s hard still being in the little child stage and also getting into teenage stuff.
Physically it’s not been good for my body.
Career wise it’s had an impact and it had an impact on our relationship too.
Plus costs of everything

I was also one of three (all girls, like mine)
And it was ok but I often thought I might be closer to one or other of them if it had only been the two of us

I am one of 3 and I have 3.

I found 1-2 tough
2-3 was a breeze.

I could never have had 2. It just wasn’t enough kids for me, I always knew one was missing.

Plus 2 was just so boring …. I felt like I wanted a brood and 2 didn’t feel that way so 3 it was.

And linking into the pp above, when deciding to have a 3rd when my oldest dd was 7, I could never imagine how draining and difficult the pre pubescent and adolescent years would be. My eldest dd needs me more than ever and I’m so pleased she talks to me about stuff, but she often opens up late at night/at bedtime when I’m shattered and drained from a challenging youngest dd. It’s hard to find time for all 3 and they all need me a lot in different ways. However my eldest dd I think has aspergers/asd (awaiting assessment) and has a lot of anxiety so perhaps needs more support than most. It’s been very very hard and I see traits and similarities between her and my youngest dd so I do fear for what lies ahead.
Dd2 in the middle is quieter and just gets on with it but I worry that she doesn’t get enough time from me.