Can’t cope with newborn. In a dark place

[Ribrabrob]

I want to start by saying how incredibly selfish and ridiculous I sound. I know that.

I had a baby ten days ago and I can’t cope. I feel numb. I had a category one emergency c section so was completely unconscious and I wasn’t the first person she met. I don’t remember holding the baby for the first time as I was so out of it when I came round.

I feel numb all the time, literally emotionless. I feel nothing when I look at her. When she cries I feel nothing. I tend to her, of course, and make sure her needs are met but I’m faking it; I have no idea how to be a mum, I’ve even got my fake baby talk down to a tee. Actually, I don’t want to be a mum. Being a mum is boring - I find myself crying as I boil the kettle to prepare yet more formula and wondering if this really is my life from now on. I’m trying to combination feed so I also find myself crying as I try to express yet again but nothing comes out (she’s pretty much solely formula fed at the moment).

I have to go to an appointment tomorrow and the thought of having to get up, get dressed, walk in the street and see people fills me with dread. I can’t do it.

I absolutely would not harm my baby… but I’m scared I may harm myself. I want to go to hospital so I can escape. I wish I never left hospital and that the midwives were still looking after us. It was a nice, easy bubble whilst we were in hospital. It’s since we came home that it’s been scary and unmanageable.

I don’t know what to do. I just cry now. My partner doesn’t understand, he’s supportive in practical sense as in he’ll shop, cook, clean etc but he hates it when I cry and gets annoyed. He thinks I should be happy, but I’m not. I’ve ruined mine and my baby’s life. I’ve never been the maternal type but I let a biological urge overcome me and I wish I hadn’t.

I miss being pregnant, I had my anxieties (I guess I knew I’d feel like this) but it was also a nice time with people asking about me, people taking care of me, my partner taking care of me etc. now I feel abandoned. That sounds selfish, I know. Of course the baby needs more attention than me, but I guess I’m a little jealous.

I have no energy of appetite. Even showering is too hard. I have so many texts I’ve yet to respond to. I can’t even bring myself to write a text saying ‘thank you for your card’. I can’t be bothered to eat, I’d rather sleep. I have people who would look after the baby, and partner would, but I don’t trust them. I’m so anxious about SIDS and check her constantly whilst she sleeps.

What a ridiculous, selfish post but I just need to vent. I have nobody to talk to. I’m scared to talk to professionals incase they think I’m not capable of looking after my baby. I just feel so confused.

Does anyone have my advice please? There’s a huge, dark cloud hanging right over me and I don’t know how to make it disperse even slightly.

Call your health visitor. Right now.
There’s help available and you’re not a bad mum for needing extra support.

I meant to say, I had my DD under general for my section. She was born at 31 weeks and was in the NICU for 6 weeks. I don’t even know if she cried when she was born. I wasn’t the first to hold her, the first to change her nappy, first to feed her nor even the first to dress her. So I can understand a little of what you feel.

Please speak to somebody- you’re partner, mum, a friend ❤️ then speak to your GP. I’d advise GP above health visitor as they can discuss PND and do any referrals etc that need doing. I promise it will get better. You’ve been through a great trauma. Please seek help xx

Oh so tough, I really feel for you. I had similar with my first, it's utterly debilitating but it will get better. You won't believe me, but it will.

You've had an awful time. Please ask for some help, is there anyone you can call today?

Well done for posting, it's a strong start. There are so many people who are there to help and support you.

Ten days is very very early and no one tells you how hard it is.
Call your health visitor or go to your GP or child health centre, if you have one.
Maybe find out about a baby group for new mums in your area.
You are in the midst of a huge transition, recovering from surgery and pregnancy and likely very very tired, but you will come through it.

And you're not being ridiculous or selfish.

You’re not ridiculous or selfish. The professionals won’t think badly of you or that you can’t look after her – I know because I had PND too. They want you to be OK and to be happy and get better, I promise. Please tell your health visitor or GP what’s going on.

It really will be OK, I promise – from another emergency C-section, PND mum. Birth is a huge shock and you’re right: being pregnant is miles better and everyone centres you. Then you get forgotten about because the baby is here. But I promise you still matter.

Call your midwife/health visitor and ask to chat. They'll be able to talk things through with you and get you more support if you'd like it.

On the subject of bonding though - don't feel like a failure! Those people who talk about falling in love with their newborn instantly are actually talking about a massive hit of oxytocin. It's not love as such, it's a hormonal effect. Approximately one third of women don't experience this. I didn't. Straightforward vaginal birth (so not as tough as yours) and still I looked at this wee baby and thought he was cute but didn't feel this fabled rush of love. I looked after him diligently, but falling in love happened really slowly, like it does when you get to know any new person in your life. It's okay to feel like you do.

But there's definitely more that you're dealing with, so speak to someone. I just wanted to try to reassure you a bit on the love part of it.

Hi OP. I was just like this. It was a very bleak time for me.
Call your GP. Call your health visitor. Tell a friend and ask them to check on you. Tell everyone close to you that this is how you feel so they know to support you.

For me, it took about 3 months to feel the black cloud go away and about 2 years before I knew having a child was a good decision. I wish I had taken medication earlier. It didn’t need to take that long.

A few things

1. this is the hardest part! It is awful for lots of women. Get the help you need but also know that you’re not alone, you’re not a bad mother, this is a completely understandable reaction to a huge trauma. You don’t have to feel anything else. You don’t have to feel full of love or smiles you are allowed to feel really bad.

2. it will get better. I promise it will get better. You must get help, but also by putting one foot in front of the other day after day, each day it will be a tiny tiny bit closer towards feeling ok again. It might take a long time but it will get better. You must talk to people though - especially GP or health visitor.

3. you’ve had major surgery and traumatic life event. If your friend had gone through the same thing, what would you say to her? Of course she would feel terrible! Of course you feel terrible. Your body needs weeks and weeks to heal and instead you have to look after a tiny demanding baby. This is really hard.

4. HORMONES and sleepy deprivation will make you cry all the time or make you feel despair. There is help to ease this. Speak to your HV or GP. I also found it helpful to watch films or TV and listen to podcasts to distract myself from my brain.

I found the first few weeks savagely difficult emotionally and my birth was fairly straight forward. Like you I felt like I was in a complete state of numbness and shock and like I was faking it. People would say things like 'I bet you're so happy in your little blissful newborn bubble' and I would plaster on a smile and agree whilst thinking inside 'Actually I feel so overwhelmed I could cry all the time'.

Please please reach out to your GP, your health visitor for support. They see this a lot and can help. Talking helps, and it sounds trite but making sure you can hand the baby over to your partner and take some time for yourself even if it is just a walk or a soak in the bath.

I recommend the book Good Mums Have Scary Thoughts, I think there is an Instagram account too, honestly you aren't alone.

it gets easier I promise xxx

I could have written this exact post at the time you're at.
I also had emergency c section and the pain was something I was not prepared for.

I PROMISE you it gets easier. Once the wound starts to heal you won't be in constant pain. But you sound like you need additional support. It's time to call the health visitor.

My advice would be to stick to formula if breastfeeding is a struggle, you both will be better for it. I couldn't bf after my son and I wasted time feeling guilty when I shouldn't. I tend to make 3 or 4 bottles at a time, cool them rapidly and the fridge then so they're ready to drink.

I TOTALLY understand missing being pregnant, I still miss it 5 months later. I think it was when I was at my most body confident. The feeling special and cherished is such a rare thing. I think as a society we cherish women when they're pregnant and then let them feel invisible after the baby is born and it's not fair.

This is trauma and you need to speak to a professional straight away. You are not selfish, you are caring for your baby 24/7 with no respite and doing everything they need even though you've just undergone serious surgery, a huge lifestyle change with new and overwhelming responsibilities and all whilst unable to sleep or even rest to recover. It's no surprise that you feel like this and you need support like many, many new mothers before you.

Your GP can help. If not, shout to health visitor, friends and anyone who will hear you. That can be difficult but you are strong enough to do that and you won't regret it. Get your partner in board.

Congratulations on your new baby and well done for making it this far! Once you have some support you can hopefully rest a bit and start to recover, then you can begin to.bond with your baby and things will feel so, so different for you.

You need an urgent doctor's appointment. It is not normal to feel as shit as you do. Well, after what you've been through, it's understandable you feel like you do, but you need support. Phone your midwife team and or HV. Make a noise and get help. Been where you are. Get help.

please speak to someone and keep asking for help

also get your iron checked and make sure you are not low on iron, especially after an emergency c section.

I had an emergency c section, didn't remember holding my dd for the first time as aesthetic was still working, she was dressed and nappy on when I met her.

Please reach out to someone. You're absolutely not ridiculous or selfish and you're not alone.

Your post took me back 6 years OP. It was an awful time. Awful, but transient. I love being a mum now. I didn't seek help as I felt ashamed but I absolutely should have done, as I had nothing to feel ashamed about. This isn't your life now. This is a very hard, but temporary fragment of your life. Well done for writing it all down so articulately. I would suggest just showing what you have written to your partner. X

Please ask for help. It’s totally normal to feel like this and there’s plenty of help available. You can ring your GP, your midwife team or your health visitor and explain how you are feeling and they can take things from there.

Hang in there - this will get better -MUCH better.
You need time to heal. You need time to adjust.

Everything else (including love for your baby) will come.

This terrible feeling is a stage - like pregnancy sickness. It does not have any bearing on what kind of mother you are/will be. However (as when the sickness is extreme) you do need help and support.

Please don't pretend to be OK. Making a fuss about feeling this bad is not selfish; it is protection for you and for your baby.

You’re not ridiculous or a failure. You’re a new mum who’s been through a difficult birth and now you are struggling to adjust. It’s happened to the best of us! I’d really recommend speaking to your health visitor and/or your GP to get support with your mental health. In a similar situation I put off getting help because I was ashamed and worried about the consequences (probably also a little delusional). I’ve always regretted not asking for help sooner.

I felt exactly like this it was the darkest time of my life.
It WILL get better. It takes time. Just take it day by day, minute by minute if need be.
I remember reading that a baby couldn't the the difference when you 'faked' the chatting and smiling at them. That helped me, and gradually the bond developed. I was the first person to make her laugh!
Open up to someone you feel safe with - for me or was an aunt as my mum struggled to see me so low.
I also had lots of professional support from HV Gp etc and even spoke to Samaritans one day.
Get some time for yourself if possible.
And get your name down for someone from the hospital to go through your birth notes with you to make sense of what happened.
Finally, take medication if needed/offered. I needed it to sleep.
My DD is now 12 and I adore being a parent now but for me I found the newborn bit the toughest.
She's now a friend as well as my daughter and I wouldn't be without her!
There is hope. Find a positive mantra to repeat in your head every day.

@thecapitalsunited

Please ask for help. It’s totally normal to feel like this and there’s plenty of help available. You can ring your GP, your midwife team or your health visitor and explain how you are feeling and they can take things from there.

Agreed. It's actually quite common to feel like this in the first couple of weeks even without the traumatic birth experience you had, so be kind to yourself

GPs/midwives/health visitors see this a lot and they absolutely won't think it means you can't look after your baby so don't be afraid about that.

Speak to your GP, they will have seen it all before and nothing you can tell them will shock them. Mine saved my life.

listen, it took me aaaaggees to get over a v traumatic c-section, at 10 days I was not even beginning to approach being able to think about it, let alone be over it. In fact, if you'd had any other major emergency surgery, 10 days would be nothing at all. Let alone with a new tiny baby thrown into the mix and all the hormones that brings too. People will want to help you. I promise. Call your GP. Your health visitor. Anyone whose number you have. Tell them exactly what you've told us. They'll get you help. You'll begin to feel better. This won't last. But people will understand, they honestly, honestly will, and they'll be able to help you.

You really don't sound selfish or ridiculous, not in the slightest. I'm pretty sure everyone who is reading your post just feels so much empathy with you and wants you to reach out to someone in real life who can help. Poor you, you need a light in the darkness, and it's there.

Aw bless you! I probably could have written this when I had my baby last year May. I had a traumatic labour (punctured spine caused by an anaesthetist which required 3 procedures to fix, lost 2L of blood after pushing out DD, DD not gaining weight and getting she’ll have to go into intensive care, the list goes on). We also stayed in hospital for 7 days and because of the surgeries, I was on bed rest for weeks.

My mum was the first one to hold and clothe my baby as I was rushed to theatre because of the bleeding. Once we were home, I had so many family members helping out, I felt as if I never got to bond with her. I was like you, trying to express and formula feed but eventually I had to give up with expressing as it was just putting extra pressure on me. I’d change DD and just be crying because of how exhausted I was. This lasted a couple of weeks and my midwife said I had the baby blues.

Within a few months I was still feeling the same. Constantly feeling down and felt that I wasn’t enjoying being a mum at all. I hated everything and wanted to get back to life pre baby. Luckily I was staying with my mum at the time so she would help out and take over so I could get some sleep.

It’s easy for us to say call your GP/health visitor but depending on what sort of relationship you have with them, it’s hard to call them and be honest about how you feel. As your partner isn’t being too considerate with your feelings, is there anyone else that can help out? A family member or a close friend? Even for a short while. I promise this does get better. You’ve only been a mum for 10 days so there’s a lot of change and a lot you have to get used too. You’re also recovering from a C section so pls try and take it easy.

My DD is now 11 months and I’m expecting my second in two weeks time. I have a great bond with her and you’d never know what we went through if you looked at us. Persevere and take small breaks when you can. Leave DC with their dad and go out for fresh air, even just to cry. You’ll feel so relieved afterwards. It’s difficult to see the end in sight but you’ve got this x

I understand exactly how you feel. Do not feel guilty for how you feel right now. Your feelings are valid and many many many women feel the exact same with or without a traumatic birth. All you need to do is call your health visitor, midwife or GP and go from there. You are only 10 days in and your hormones ruin your sanity certainly for a minimum of 2 weeks after birth. There's plenty of help, counselling, talking therapies, meditation and medication and in time feelings can be changed. Talk to your partner, friends and family and stay strong as you already are. You have got through a traumatic birth that shows how strong you are. Keep going OP the best is yet to come