Can’t cope with newborn. In a dark place

[Ribrabrob]

I want to start by saying how incredibly selfish and ridiculous I sound. I know that.

I had a baby ten days ago and I can’t cope. I feel numb. I had a category one emergency c section so was completely unconscious and I wasn’t the first person she met. I don’t remember holding the baby for the first time as I was so out of it when I came round.

I feel numb all the time, literally emotionless. I feel nothing when I look at her. When she cries I feel nothing. I tend to her, of course, and make sure her needs are met but I’m faking it; I have no idea how to be a mum, I’ve even got my fake baby talk down to a tee. Actually, I don’t want to be a mum. Being a mum is boring - I find myself crying as I boil the kettle to prepare yet more formula and wondering if this really is my life from now on. I’m trying to combination feed so I also find myself crying as I try to express yet again but nothing comes out (she’s pretty much solely formula fed at the moment).

I have to go to an appointment tomorrow and the thought of having to get up, get dressed, walk in the street and see people fills me with dread. I can’t do it.

I absolutely would not harm my baby… but I’m scared I may harm myself. I want to go to hospital so I can escape. I wish I never left hospital and that the midwives were still looking after us. It was a nice, easy bubble whilst we were in hospital. It’s since we came home that it’s been scary and unmanageable.

I don’t know what to do. I just cry now. My partner doesn’t understand, he’s supportive in practical sense as in he’ll shop, cook, clean etc but he hates it when I cry and gets annoyed. He thinks I should be happy, but I’m not. I’ve ruined mine and my baby’s life. I’ve never been the maternal type but I let a biological urge overcome me and I wish I hadn’t.

I miss being pregnant, I had my anxieties (I guess I knew I’d feel like this) but it was also a nice time with people asking about me, people taking care of me, my partner taking care of me etc. now I feel abandoned. That sounds selfish, I know. Of course the baby needs more attention than me, but I guess I’m a little jealous.

I have no energy of appetite. Even showering is too hard. I have so many texts I’ve yet to respond to. I can’t even bring myself to write a text saying ‘thank you for your card’. I can’t be bothered to eat, I’d rather sleep. I have people who would look after the baby, and partner would, but I don’t trust them. I’m so anxious about SIDS and check her constantly whilst she sleeps.

What a ridiculous, selfish post but I just need to vent. I have nobody to talk to. I’m scared to talk to professionals incase they think I’m not capable of looking after my baby. I just feel so confused.

Does anyone have my advice please? There’s a huge, dark cloud hanging right over me and I don’t know how to make it disperse even slightly.

Wow, such lovely responses. Thank you. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone and that others have felt the same. People always say that this stage gets better and it seems that it does, which is also a comfort.

There’s a nice lady in the community midwife team who I’ve been speaking to about breastfeeding. I’m going to call her in the morning and ask for advice re my mental health because I can’t go on like this. I keep telling myself I’ll feel better in the morning but the morning comes and that dark cloud gets darker.

Thanks again, everyone. I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to reply individually but I’ve read all responses and I’m grateful.

@Ribrabrob

Wow, such lovely responses. Thank you. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone and that others have felt the same. People always say that this stage gets better and it seems that it does, which is also a comfort.

There’s a nice lady in the community midwife team who I’ve been speaking to about breastfeeding. I’m going to call her in the morning and ask for advice re my mental health because I can’t go on like this. I keep telling myself I’ll feel better in the morning but the morning comes and that dark cloud gets darker.

Thanks again, everyone. I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to reply individually but I’ve read all responses and I’m grateful.

Don’t be sorry every mamma on here understands what you are going through. You are never alone. Take care OP.

I've been where you are now OP. I was the same. I had a horrendous delivery and was shell shocked afterwards. But what hurt most was that no one was arsed about me. Just the baby.

It was two years and another pregnancy later before I felt better. Time and counselling what's helped.

Hang in there. Hard to believe when you are in the thick of it but you will come through this. Well done for making the decision to speak to someone. You need help with this. Don't hold back. Tell them everything. I know that's terrifying but it's what's best for you. You are going to be ok. One day you will be looking at a 10 year old and utterly proud of them and yourself, for the strength you found to just get through each day.

Honestly you are not alone. I remember thinking what had I done, everyone was besotted with him apart from me. Yes I liked my son but really.... I couldn’t walk out the door any more etc. It’s a massive adjustment, you’ve not had the best start, your recovering from surgery etc. Definitely seek some help, we have a group called becoming families in Worcester- they really help see if something similar isn’t around. Tell the health visitor, GP etc. No one will judge you. Three years down the line I adore my little boy , he’s the best thing to happen to us and I’m pregnant at nearly 40 with twins.... be kind to yourself

I'm glad these replies are bringing you some comfort. Here's another voice telling you that you're being neither ridiculous or selfish. Be kinder to yourself, having a baby is an enormous thing and it can, of course, be utterly overwhelming.

Ask for help, loudly if you need to. Don't be deterred by anyone telling you that this is just baby blues and that it'll pass on its own. Maybe it will, but get your support and safety net in place.

I've recently had my second baby (so I've done all of this before!) and I was in a very dark place for a few days in the weeks after he was born. I wanted to run away, I truly believed I'd destroyed mine, my husband's and our daughter's lives by having another baby. Four months later, those feeling faded and I am completely in love with him - he has brought me so much joy, I can't describe.

Sit tight, take care, and ask for help. This will all feel like a distant memory one day soon x

You can go back to the midwife.

I did on day 2 and they readmitted me.

Oh gosh.

It’s still early days, the first few weeks are relentless.

As other posters have suggested talk to your GP or the midwife you are in contact with. You don’t need to do this alone, they will help you get the help you need, please do not hesitate. If your section wound started to weep/get sore you’d quickly get help, the same goes for mental health x take care

Deep breath. You won't believe this now but in time this will be a distant memory and you absolutely will feel like you again.

Call the health visitor tomorrow, your hormones are all over right now and will take a few weeks to settle but each week the clouds will lift a little. The first 6 weeks with a newborn are brutal and if people are honest not that many enjoy it or want to do it again but it is of course worth it, because in a couple of months you will have a laughing smiling baby who is sleeping a little more hopefully.

The missing pregnancy thing is normal, I felt this too I was so sad it was over I wanted to be pregnant again but not have the baby at the end! It's natural your body has been carrying and creating a little human for 9 months!

Everything you have said I felt all those years ago and it brought it straight back to me. But not I am a happy mum of 3 who couldn't imagine life without my kids.

This will be ok. No one is a better mum to your baby than you, just take the time to adjust, ask for help, try and get out for a walk when you feel up to it, forget about the cleaning and washing or leave it to your other half.

Sending you lots of love and strength

Goodness, you poor thing. Having all these feelings. I have no advice to offer but wishing you love and strength to get through this incredibly tough time x

Please don’t panic.
Its day 10. You’ve had emergency surgery. I had a planned c section, my baby is now 9 weeks old. I felt exactly the same as you, i could have written your post. Please talk to your midwife and health visitor. There is so much support out there. I found it so helpful. There is an organisation called PANDAS who are great. You can ring or even text for a conversation with a counsellorFor the first two weeks I didn’t move off the sofa. I didn’t get dressed i stayed in my PJs, i rested, i cried, i asked my husband what have we done we’ve made a mistake having the baby. He couldn’t understand why i felt how i did.
I had serious anxiety to the point i was sick, i felt trapped and couldn’t understand how in would get through it. Eventually when baby was 6 weeks old i spoke to my GP who prescribed sertraline. Its made a huge difference. Its taken away 95% of my anxiety and made it possible for me to enjoy and bond with my baby.
Please believe me when i say you will get through this, 10 days is just so soon and especially with an emergency Section its all so raw and

Sorry pressed send halfway through!

Its all so raw and painful still. Its taken me til 8 weeks after to feel physically better. Please be kind to yourself, keep talking to people, take as much support as you can and remember the GP can prescribe medication to help you. It helped me massively. Hang in there OP it will get better. I have been exactly where you are now and we are coming out the other side now.

I've been where you are and I know nothing I can say will make it better. Just trust me - this is not your life forever.

Call the GP and tell the receptionist you think you have PND. They will give you a same day appointment. The GP will refer you to the perinatal mental health service and probably prescribe anti-depressants.

You are not alone. Keep posting on here if it helps but also there is a phone line run by the PND awareness charity:

pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/free-helpline/

Well done for posting - reaching out for help is really important, whether that's in real life or virtually.

I had a difficult first birth and it took me a long time to come to terms with what had happened, as well as get over my birth injuries. DS was well cared for but I didn't really love him at that stage, but it grew and grew and grew. I had barely any milk which I now understand was likely a reaction to the trauma but he was FF and thrived. Make sure you take time for you - get a decent shower, wash your hair, rest, make sure you take your pain relief, watch some TV. It all aids recovery and will help you feel more yourself in time. You've got this mama!

Ah OP I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I could have written pretty much this myself just 8 short months ago and it was the darkest and most depressing time of my life, when it should have been the happiest! Ring the HV and GP ASAP because you most certainly sound like you have PND and unfortunately it probably won’t get better on it’s own… you need support and someone to listen to how you are feeling and to help you. My health visitor was so supportive and helpful and really got me over the worst of it.

Fast forward 8 months and I’m now in a much better place. I still have very dark days and miss my old life terribly some days. But I honestly love my little girl and enjoy being a mum 90% of the time. PND is always lurking in the back ground but with the right support you can learn strategies to keep the worst of it at bay. I look back a babies newborn pictures and I just look so miserable in them I almost can’t quite believe how hard I had hit rock bottom! With the right support you will feel better I promis!
I will say with breast feeding, if you really want to continue it will take a lot of effort and will power with the way you feel right now. If you want to do it you have to get baby to the breast as much as possible to build your supply and avoid formula unless you need to. Once your supply is established then combi feeding will be easier. For me breast feeding was a huge trigger for my PND but it was important to me at the time. Looking back I wish I would have just stopped and given bottles, but again, fast forward 8 months and I’m still EBF.

Good luck and please be kind to yourself! You are and will always be a fabulous mother, it will just take a bit of time for you to see this yourself. Sending you lots of positive vibes and love!! X

The newborn period is so incredibly hard, especially after a traumatic end to pregnancy. I felt a mixture of complete emptiness, mixed with exhaustion and bitter regret. I stumbled through those weeks, often in tears, with lots of text messages left unread. I had no capacity for anything other than surviving each minute. I was terrified of DS dying, but I didn’t love him. I’m not sure I was depressed, although SSRIs helped, so maybe I was. I think it was just a huge stress response to the massive amount of trauma and upheaval that came with birth and a tiny baby. The western world gives precisely no shits about new mothers, we are supposed to ‘love every minute’ which is, quite frankly insulting.

You’ve been given great advice and you definitely should speak to people, especially if your DP isn’t getting it. Just to make an obvious point though, you won’t have a ten day old forever. It’ll change and evolve, you’ll start to see tiny chinks of light, you’ll fall into a bit of a groove and things that once seemed impossible will become possible. I’m not sure DC get easier with time, but your resilience builds, your confidence develops and you subconsciously develop coping strategies. I’ve found parenting easier with each passing month, despite there being challenges with every phase. I utterly adore DS now, but it took time - I feel no shame for that.

Good luck lovely

day 3 and 10 were the absolute worst for me, I cried all day long and wanted to leave. It got better. I spoke to my midwife and health visitor who arranged a mental health nurse to come in twice a week (several years back though so no idea if this is still a funded thing) and I got through it. Don't stop talking! I messaged people I hadn't spoken to in ages who I knew had children just for reassurance and every single one said they had low points, some absolutely horrendously low points.

@Herald44

Your post took me back 6 years OP. It was an awful time. Awful, but transient. I love being a mum now. I didn't seek help as I felt ashamed but I absolutely should have done, as I had nothing to feel ashamed about. This isn't your life now. This is a very hard, but temporary fragment of your life. Well done for writing it all down so articulately. I would suggest just showing what you have written to your partner. X

Took me back 17 years. I absolutely HATED being a mum at first. Genuinely couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid and ‘ruined my life’. For me it took him sleeping better and me going back to work to feel happier again.

I now have three children and that very difficult baby is now a lovely teen. It did get much much better but it was so bloody hard at first.

Please talk to someone and ask for support.

That’s great that you’ve got a plan to speak to someone tomorrow. Just say what you’ve said here, or even just show them your first post.

I remember feeling the same with my first baby. Mumsnet was a massive help because I could post any time and someone would be there. I didn’t feel so hopeless and alone knowing there were other people awake all night too.

You’re doing the right thing in asking for help. It does get better

Can you get perfect prep machine? From practical point of view it will make your life 100 times easier! It makes formula safely and in under 2 minutes. Sending love ❤️ you can get help and will get better, I believe in you. The first weeks are the hardest 😫 don't feel selfish, the sane thoughts cross our minds when we come home from hospital and broken sleep makes us doubt EVERYTHING.....it gets better x

Hi, you’re doing so well in asking for help.

I have a nearly 4 month old and had a difficult forceps birth which I found traumatic. Day 10 is early days and I turned a corner at the end of week 3.

Just on the combination feeding, I had to start with formula on day 2 due to tongue tie, but with help from a breastfeeding midwife and lots of practising, it has continued to work for me. Also I used the little ready formula bottles which helped during the night.

You aren't ridiculous or selfish. You have suffered a trauma and need to heal. Ask for help from gp and/ or health visitor. But please don't berate yourself.

The newborn stage hit me like a ton of bricks, I felt like the world had played a huge practical joke on me. I loved my baby but hated my life, it was very strange to have such conflicting emotions. I didn’t leave the house with him by myself for 6 weeks. I didn’t leave the house altogether for weeks.

I genuinely never thought I’d feel any different, but I do, I so do. The newborn stage is ROUGH at the best of times, and you’ve been through a lot more than most. You adjust slowly and your baby becomes more rewarding, and whilst it doesn’t actually get easier, these two things happening make it feel easier. My toddler is 2 years old now and he is my pride and joy.

Please don’t put pressure on yourself right now, speak to your HV, maybe your GP, try not to think too far ahead of the next few hours. Meet your baby’s needs and try to do little things for yourself even if it’s brush your teeth or get a hot drink. You’ve got this even when you feel like you absolutely haven’t❤️

Honestly the first couple of weeks are just utterly draining. Literally all you do is feed and change the baby inbetween their naps, you’re just keeping them alive basically 😂😂 It really does get better though, once they start smiling and interacting with you, it’s the best thing ever and so worth it. My little boy is 6 months and he’s such a character!! Has us in stitches. The newborn stage was hard for me too I’m not massively maternal but I absolutely adore him.

I echo what the other posters have said, but may I also add this.

I miss being pregnant, I had my anxieties (I guess I knew I’d feel like this) but it was also a nice time with people asking about me, people taking care of me, my partner taking care of me etc. now I feel abandoned. That sounds selfish, I know. Of course the baby needs more attention than me, but I guess I’m a little jealous.

Actually, you're the one who still needs attention. All the baby needs right now is milk, sleep, a clean nappy. You're the one who needs to be pampered, who needs to be taken care of, who needs the attention and the time because you've gone through something huge. Don't feel jealous, start feeling entitled to attention! It's the first thing my mum told me when teaching me about new babies and new mothers - focus on the mother! The baby will honestly be none the wiser. Everyone coos over the baby when they visit, send messages about the baby, but very few people actually worry about the mum.

Hang in there, it will get better And don't be afraid to ask for attention, tell your partner loud and clear if needs be. You deserve all the care and time, you've just birthed a human.