Can’t cope with newborn. In a dark place

[Ribrabrob]

I want to start by saying how incredibly selfish and ridiculous I sound. I know that.

I had a baby ten days ago and I can’t cope. I feel numb. I had a category one emergency c section so was completely unconscious and I wasn’t the first person she met. I don’t remember holding the baby for the first time as I was so out of it when I came round.

I feel numb all the time, literally emotionless. I feel nothing when I look at her. When she cries I feel nothing. I tend to her, of course, and make sure her needs are met but I’m faking it; I have no idea how to be a mum, I’ve even got my fake baby talk down to a tee. Actually, I don’t want to be a mum. Being a mum is boring - I find myself crying as I boil the kettle to prepare yet more formula and wondering if this really is my life from now on. I’m trying to combination feed so I also find myself crying as I try to express yet again but nothing comes out (she’s pretty much solely formula fed at the moment).

I have to go to an appointment tomorrow and the thought of having to get up, get dressed, walk in the street and see people fills me with dread. I can’t do it.

I absolutely would not harm my baby… but I’m scared I may harm myself. I want to go to hospital so I can escape. I wish I never left hospital and that the midwives were still looking after us. It was a nice, easy bubble whilst we were in hospital. It’s since we came home that it’s been scary and unmanageable.

I don’t know what to do. I just cry now. My partner doesn’t understand, he’s supportive in practical sense as in he’ll shop, cook, clean etc but he hates it when I cry and gets annoyed. He thinks I should be happy, but I’m not. I’ve ruined mine and my baby’s life. I’ve never been the maternal type but I let a biological urge overcome me and I wish I hadn’t.

I miss being pregnant, I had my anxieties (I guess I knew I’d feel like this) but it was also a nice time with people asking about me, people taking care of me, my partner taking care of me etc. now I feel abandoned. That sounds selfish, I know. Of course the baby needs more attention than me, but I guess I’m a little jealous.

I have no energy of appetite. Even showering is too hard. I have so many texts I’ve yet to respond to. I can’t even bring myself to write a text saying ‘thank you for your card’. I can’t be bothered to eat, I’d rather sleep. I have people who would look after the baby, and partner would, but I don’t trust them. I’m so anxious about SIDS and check her constantly whilst she sleeps.

What a ridiculous, selfish post but I just need to vent. I have nobody to talk to. I’m scared to talk to professionals incase they think I’m not capable of looking after my baby. I just feel so confused.

Does anyone have my advice please? There’s a huge, dark cloud hanging right over me and I don’t know how to make it disperse even slightly.

I remember throwing a bottle across the room at 2am once as baby wouldn't take it but was screaming, partner was saying he didn't know what to do and I was crying my eyes out as hadn't slept in 3 full days. The early days are sooo rough and terrifying.
At around 12 weeks I got my mum over one night because she wouldn't stop crying and my mum bought her a little penguin toy, she started to reach for it and slap it.. and that right there was the moment I started to really enjoy it, when she started becomming an interactive person.
She is 6 years old now and my best friend, we still have that penguin toy!!
Talk, talk, talk, get it all off your chest, speak to midwife, give baby to someone and have a walk on your own. I promise it will get better.

Please reach out for help - midwife, GP and some help with baby.
Do you have familiar or friend network you can reach out to?

Family network

Took me back 17 years. I absolutely HATED being a mum at first. Genuinely couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid and ‘ruined my life’. For me it took him sleeping better and me going back to work to feel happier again

10 years for me. But I could have written this post and the OPs post word for word. And today I’ve just come back from a lovely Easter holiday shopping trip with said child who has been a delight all day.

Sending love and solidarity OP. It WILL get better x

Big hugs from me. I cried for 3 full days, a week after my dd was born.

Forget about sending thank you notes. They do NOT matter.

Let out your emotions, if you need to cry then cry. See your GP. They can hopefully refer you to get some talking therapy help. Someone to talk to to help you through all your feelings.

Btw expressing doesn't work for everyone who feeds from the breast directly. So don't worry if you aren't getting much. If you want to bf then ask for help. If you don't and it's just too much, then stop expressing and bottle feed.

Your mental health at this point is more important.

It sounds like your DH doesn't have a clue how you are feeling. He is probably confused. He may not understand but he needs to appreciate you have been through a massive life event and you need support.

I wish I could give you a hug and let you cry it out. You will feel better with some time passing I promise.

a long shot but it would be great to hear how the OP is doing now?

i am currently going through something very similar with my 6 day old.

either way, wishing the OP well

I have an 8-day old. I have no advise to give, just that I know it's tough. Hand-hold.

Ah! This is an old thread popped up in my active. OP, some time has gone by - hope you're in a better place now

I am not the OP, but I can relate to a lot of what the OP describes. Please speak to your health visitor and to the people around you you feel you can trust - early support can make a massive difference. It took a while for things to feel significantly better for me, but I can't imagine how much worse it would've been if I'd stayed silent. My baby is 8 months old now and of course we have the odd hard day, but I feel a million times better than I did at the start.

Oh lovely. Just adding my voice to those telling you that it will be OK and things will get better. Please talk to your GP, Health Visitor or midwife if they're still coming round. It will get better I promise. Sending hugs x

Not selfish, not ridiculous. Your feelings are very common, and you need to reach out for help and support. HV, family, partner, friends, or even GP if the HV is useless.

Post birth, your hormones go wild - with my first I cried all the time, thought I’d ruined her life and mine, couldn’t cope with the sleep deprivation and my baby’s reflux and colic and wind. I had a traumatic labour and was unwell after dd arrived and i felt no connection to the baby. I faked it for a while, then I broke down and I got help. PND is real and you can take actions to improve things by getting help. By 4 months I felt just about confident enough to take my dd with me on a ski trip diving to the Alps (well, I let DH and GP bully me into it). So it can all turn around - but you do need help.

With my second baby, did not have severe pnd. It was an easy birth, I felt confident being a mum, and the things that longer term that made the difference:

1. getting outdoors. As soon as you can walk, take the baby out - make yourself put baby in the pram once a day and walk around the block. I’m lucky to have a little park nearby, so I would do laps ( on days I didn’t walk the school run for my first dc). It transformed my confidence to take the baby outside
2. I also joined a baby group and made local mum friends when DS was a few months old, it was a terrible hassle making myself go each week but it did help me feel capable of doing normal things and to have a glimpse that life could be enjoyable again

Life never returns “to normal” after having a baby. But the way you feel now, it isn’t permanent.

I was the same.. it’s hard and hormones are evil.. but it will get better
my girl just turned 3 yo

How are you now ?