Can’t cope with newborn. In a dark place

[Ribrabrob]

I want to start by saying how incredibly selfish and ridiculous I sound. I know that.

I had a baby ten days ago and I can’t cope. I feel numb. I had a category one emergency c section so was completely unconscious and I wasn’t the first person she met. I don’t remember holding the baby for the first time as I was so out of it when I came round.

I feel numb all the time, literally emotionless. I feel nothing when I look at her. When she cries I feel nothing. I tend to her, of course, and make sure her needs are met but I’m faking it; I have no idea how to be a mum, I’ve even got my fake baby talk down to a tee. Actually, I don’t want to be a mum. Being a mum is boring - I find myself crying as I boil the kettle to prepare yet more formula and wondering if this really is my life from now on. I’m trying to combination feed so I also find myself crying as I try to express yet again but nothing comes out (she’s pretty much solely formula fed at the moment).

I have to go to an appointment tomorrow and the thought of having to get up, get dressed, walk in the street and see people fills me with dread. I can’t do it.

I absolutely would not harm my baby… but I’m scared I may harm myself. I want to go to hospital so I can escape. I wish I never left hospital and that the midwives were still looking after us. It was a nice, easy bubble whilst we were in hospital. It’s since we came home that it’s been scary and unmanageable.

I don’t know what to do. I just cry now. My partner doesn’t understand, he’s supportive in practical sense as in he’ll shop, cook, clean etc but he hates it when I cry and gets annoyed. He thinks I should be happy, but I’m not. I’ve ruined mine and my baby’s life. I’ve never been the maternal type but I let a biological urge overcome me and I wish I hadn’t.

I miss being pregnant, I had my anxieties (I guess I knew I’d feel like this) but it was also a nice time with people asking about me, people taking care of me, my partner taking care of me etc. now I feel abandoned. That sounds selfish, I know. Of course the baby needs more attention than me, but I guess I’m a little jealous.

I have no energy of appetite. Even showering is too hard. I have so many texts I’ve yet to respond to. I can’t even bring myself to write a text saying ‘thank you for your card’. I can’t be bothered to eat, I’d rather sleep. I have people who would look after the baby, and partner would, but I don’t trust them. I’m so anxious about SIDS and check her constantly whilst she sleeps.

What a ridiculous, selfish post but I just need to vent. I have nobody to talk to. I’m scared to talk to professionals incase they think I’m not capable of looking after my baby. I just feel so confused.

Does anyone have my advice please? There’s a huge, dark cloud hanging right over me and I don’t know how to make it disperse even slightly.

Op, call for help right now, this is an emergency. You have PND and it is absolutely not your fault. You need medical help and you need, and deserve, it right now. Please do not hesitate to reach out and demand help and attention.

I've been where you are-your post brings back a lot of stuff I've repressed.
I was in such a dark place after having DD-couldnt eat, sleep, bond or really do anything. I managed to make sure DDs needs we're met but that's about it.
You need to get help. It's a chemical imbalance and you need to speak to the HV or GP ASAP. If you can't manage yourself, have someone be your advocate.
In my case, I got medication, a psychologist monthly and a mental health baby nurse out 4 times a week. My mum took time off work because I couldn't be alone.
It gradually got better. I'm not going to lie, it took a long time . Would probably have been quicker with a baby that slept or didn't have health problems, but by month 10 I was 'normal' and starting bonding with DD properly. I was much better before that point but thats when I felt like I had a really strong handle on my mental health.
FWIW I had never had any MH issues before or since.
You will absolutely get through this

I felt a lot of what you are feeling now. I had PND coupled with the fact that I just genuinely don't like babies all that much. It took me longer to admit the later than the fact I had PND. Babies to me are boring, take everything from you and give nothing in return. I was resentful of my DH getting to go to work and partly of my baby for stripping the life I had away from me (not to mention my body!) My DD is 16 months now and it has gotten infinitely better. That doesn't help you just now though as that feels like a lifetime away. I would probably go straight to your GP, tell them how you're feeling.

The things that helped me were the thing so was actually dreading. Baby classes to give structure to the day. Going out walks. I joined a walking group for new mums and it was actually great even though I thought I'd hate it. I also mentally broke my days down into chunks to get through it. Some days it felt like wading through treacle other days weren't so bad and eventually the not so bad days overtook the really awful days and I cried less and less.

Reach out for help, talk to someone, please.

You are not selfish or ridiculous, you’ve gone through the most seismic life shift you’ll likely ever go through and it’s a LOT.

The posters above have far better advice than me but if you don’t trust friends or family to look after your baby, please let them look after you instead.

I can see from what you’ve posted that you’re not just “tending” to your baby but feel a deep protectiveness. That will give way to love in time. I felt the same to begin with.

Sending love to you. It does get better but I know it doesn’t help to hear it now when you’re in the trenches x

Also, someone may have already mentioned but when you are feeling better it might help to ask for a copy of your birth notes and/or a debrief if your hospital offers that service. Reading through my notes and reliving a birth that didn’t go to plan for me was tough but ultimately helped me process and move on from it x

Oh lovely 💐 im sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are not selfish for feeling like this, and if others were more honest you'd probably find that lots and lots of new mums feel this way. I def felt like this when I had my first. What you said about not feeling anything and just meeting the baby's needs really chimed with me, I remember once crying at the thought of changing yet another nappy, I was just so overwhelmed. I also then felt so guilty for feeling this way, and not coping as well as everyone else appeared to. I promise you it does get easier.
Let your partner help with night feeds, or take the baby during the day so at least you get some time to rest/ sleep. I understand what you say about not wanting to let others do it, but you need to take care of yourself as well.
We are under such pressure for everything to be perfect and feel elated when the baby is born, when in reality, life with a newborn is so so hard. And you are also recovering from major emergency surgery. You have been through a very traumatic time, physically and mentally, and it's exhausting.
Please talk to someone -family, friends, GP, HV. Get some help. I found the HV team were great to talk to, they will have heard this from lots of new mums and they will look for practical ways to support, and will not be judging you. You are not alone

OP this happened to me almost word for word with my twins. C section, I was very poorly and didn't see them until they were three weeks old as I was in a coma.

I loved them but it was almost as though a surrogate had them for me as I didn't see them born - it really did affect the bond for me.
I had a four year old and with him I was awake when he was born (c section also) and I had the immediate rush of love for him and couldn't understand why it wasn't the same for my twins.
I didn't seek any help as I was sick of hospital and drs appointments at this stage.

Only now do I feel like I'm gradually getting back to myself and my twins are now three. I wish I had just gone to the drs to get some help as I feel so guilty for their tiny baby times that I didn't appreciate them enough and now it's gone.

You WILL get through this. Tell people how you feel and you'll be surprised how many people have gone through similar and come out the other side.

You are not being selfish OP. But you must get help, whether you feel like it or not. Make an appointment with your GP asap, ask to see a female one if that helps. As hard as it is, get showered and into clean clothes, it will make you feel that bit more human. Accept the doctor's help, if that means no more BF so you can take medication, so be it. TBH, formula is probably better, so that others can help you and you can get some rest. It sounds like you have had a horrible birth experience, but the physical pain will heal - it has only been 10 days, which is nothing. My gran was the first to hold me, and mum spent the first 24 hours without me due to a traumatic birth and surgery - it didn't affect our long term relationship so don't worry about that - babies are tough little things. All the best OP

Having a newborn is a very lonely time when your left on your own and partner is working. Please speak to your HV or midwife. Sounds like you could have some post natal depression after such a tough delivery. Seek advice xx

Awwww it's okay, I felt the same way. You're not selfish at all. I think having a baby and the pressures of thinking you should fall instantly in love with them is too much.

It took me months to feel love for my DC. I took care of her of course but for the most part until she was about 9 months old did i really feel anything for her at all. You will grow to love your DC in time, especially when they are active.

Like other posters and yourself, I had an emergency C-section due to placenta previa and pre-eclampsia. My DD was early and in scubu. A combination of the anaesthetic and morphine after, made me like a zombie for ages and I really struggled to bond too. I wasn't the first to see her, hold her etc and when I was wheeled down to scubu to see her, I just felt numb. I enjoyed the bubble of hospital too and when they discharged us, I was so scared as she was only 4lbs, tiny but healthy.
Pleased don't be scared to ask for professional help - these posts show how common your feelings are.
I honestly thought I wouldn't ever bond with her but I did, it didn't happen overnight though. She's 18 now and we have the most incredible bond.

Having a baby, especially in traumatic circumstances, is incredibly difficult and overwhelming but it will get easier - reach out for help

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Just want to say it gets easier and please do not continue to try expressing to the detriment of your mental health. I did it for 6 weeks as I felt like that's what I was 'meant' my DH said the day I stopped I was like a new women.

If finances allow a tommee tippee perfect prep machine will help too!

The most useful thing a HV said to me was 'dont worry about bonding with your baby'. As in straightaway.

I think it's a bit of a myth that we all have the instant connection, I certainly didn't.

Also you'll still have all the crap in your system from your anaesthetic and surgery which totally affected my mental health in the early days.

It's such a weird time, life as you know it has completely changed and also your body has crapped out.

Lean on whoever you can and get plenty of rest. You'll get there.

10 days in.. that's the very hard bit! I remember as I was there (without having a difficult birth experience) just 2 months ago. Without being a professional it sounds like PND? You won't be judged by professionals - they are there to help with that.

Oh you poor thing. It's the hardest bit. You're body is battered and bruised and your in a new world. You are far from alone. Keep reaching out here and, even if it seems impossible, you will feel up to attending baby groups and so on fairly soon. The best thing for new mums is other new mums.

Honestly, I think you have ptsd. My dd had the exact same birth as you and felt the same as you. It did pass. It took a couple of weeks but gradually lifted bit by bit as the memory of the birth faded slightly.
One day, she just looked at the baby and told him she loved him and meant it. I'm not telling you this because I assume you will be exactly the same...you may well need more than time to heal. I'm telling you this to offer hope.

What you are feeling is a common reaction to a very traumatic birth, a large and sudden drop in hormones and sleep deprivation. Speak to your health visitor as she will be able to help. Talk to your family and friends, let them help.

I'm not good with kids and thought I'd made a terrible mistake when my first was a newborn - it lasted a few months, possibly because I didn't ask for help. But it gets so much easier and I love parenting now (still not great with other peoples kids!). I've got another baby now and the sad feelings only lasted a couple of weeks this time, since then it's been very enjoyable.

Expressing is incredibly hard work. You can get advice at a breastfeeding group. Your baby would also be fine on formula.

Talk to the health visitor about your SIDS anxiety. If you don't smoke and you put your baby down to sleep on her back in a safe sleep space that reduces the risk massively and the risk really is very small. The Lullaby Trust has good advice.

Oh god I'm glad those days are over. What the hell had I done, every day stretching out into an eternity of misery, I remember it but it seems very far away now (well is is quite a number of years to be fair!).

You're not ridiculous or selfish, but you need to speak to a professional so they can help you feel better. It could be PND - can you also get a counsellor to vent to? Your husband really needs to be more supportive but he might be struggling a bit himself and not really understand what's going on for you. Get a diagnosis and get support no one will think you can't care for your baby they will just want to help you I promise.

I also agree with others saying they felt they'd made a huge mistake. Please, you aren't unusual or alone. Bless you, its a tough, tough time.

@Ribrabrob sorry that you are having a hard time. I had a very similar birth and post birth experience. I think being asleep and then sedated made nothing seem real. We were both in a state of shock.
Please speak to your health visitor, it’s really hard taking that first step but I promise that it gets easier.

Dear OP You need and deserve support. What you’re feeling is more common than you imagine.

GPs do everything they can to support Mums who are experiencing PND and there will be zero thought about taking your baby away from you. You need help and it’s the best thing to do to ask for it.

Sending love. Talk to your health visitor and your GP.

Having a newborn is HARD!! Please ask someone for help so you can have some moments to yourself. It will get easier I promise, the connection with your baby will come with time.

Oh OP a newborn is such hard work and I remember only too well feeling like you 🥺 be kind to yourself please speak to your GP or health visitor 💐

Your doing amazing as it is. Its so hard the 1st few months. My first born was a C Section, when born he was brought to the midwives straight away I didt get to hold him for 1hr and 40mins after he was born. I held him after that for 1 min before he was put into an incubator. That effected how I bonded with him. I didn’t bond with my child for weeks after that. Give yourself some time. Speak to your GP or health visitor. Reach out to someone your vunerable right now.

Please do seek help.

But even without a traumatic birth did I love DS1 on day 10? I don’t think so. I was really stunned at how my life had changed. I really resented being tied to this thing that took up all of my life and space and gave me nothing back in return. Up to that point every decision I had made, no matter how momentous was reversible. This one wasn’t. I felt crushed by the expectation of that. And I had a super supportive DH and breastfeeding came ‘easily’ to me. And still I hated it. Hated my new life.

But it passes. He grew up, he got more interesting. There were many challenging days and many awful sleepless nights but he’s ten (and I had a second which I would have laughed about for the first three years) and mostly delightful, intelligent, funny and I can go to a cafe with him and have an interesting conversation. (He’s also messy, scatty and drives me crazy- but he can change his own clothes, wipe his bum, make his own breakfast etc.).