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Original poster

Mums who don't follow the "rules"

107 replies

Booklover2021 · 01/04/2022 19:38

This is meant to be a lighthearted thread by the way... for the past few weeks I've been overloading myself with info on how to help my 4 month old to sleep. Tried bed at 7pm as that's what's "ideal", tried different sleep training methods...yesterday I decided "sod it" and just went with my intuition and how my LO was. He had the best sleep he's ever had.

I just wondered if anyone else decided to sod what they were "supposed to do" and just went with it and had more success? Just want to quiet that anxious side of me telling me I should still be following the "rules"!

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birdglasspen2 · 01/04/2022 22:00

I followed routines with the first two and they were settled, happy content babies and so was I as I knew where I was...number 3 I can't get into a routine at all and I find it pretty stressful so....no, I disagree! Each to their own!

TeddyTrucks · 01/04/2022 22:01

I never once woke either of my daughters to feed them. Even in hospital with No. 1 the midwife was standing over me saying "She needs to eat. Letting her sleep is you being lazy" - but I stood my ground and let her sleep. Same with No. 2. I ended up with two perfectly nourished, happy girls who, incidentally, were both sleeping 7-8 hours per night by 6 weeks.

I'm not saying one is a direct result of the other, but I've always wondered if the two things are related.

StephMum92 · 01/04/2022 22:05

@mariiinaa I've also done the water since my DD was around 2 weeks as I can't understand how babies don't get thirsty! Not done her any harm and it helps her poo as well, would much prefer her to have some water than see her screaming in pain!

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Mackmama · 01/04/2022 22:08

Best advice I got while pregnant was to not listen to anyone’s unsolicited advice and just do what I thought best. I’m not very confident generally but I am when it comes to looking after my kids, I do what I think, led by them, and it’s stood me in good stead so far. I’ve never read a parenting book.

SomePosters · 01/04/2022 22:09

The more relaxed you are the more relaxed they will be. Even if the world is genuinely falling apart around you if you make everything seem ok they will follow your lead.

Handle them confidently and lead by example. Their instinct is too copy you

I preferred to train my baby to sleep in her own bed early but I 100% co slept with a newborn most of them have a frantic instinct to know someone is close even when they are sleeping. That tends to relax quite quickly if the need is met or I found so anyway.

Remember to gently train them through considered exposure to fit with you life rather than exclusively build their world around their needs, you want them to be balanced as adults and able to understand that others needs matter as much as theirs.

While I totally think you should listen to all advice and then make up your mind here is my tuppence worth

Pee with the door closed.

Establish from the very beginning that you are an autonomous being entitled to a moments privacy and that they can wait a moment while you pee and nothing bad will happen to them

They will have more respect for you as a person if you are not just a service droid.

Everyone needs to take no for an answer/ just wait a moment without being a brat about it and the sooner your kid learns to do that the happier your relationship with them will be

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/04/2022 22:10

I think everyone feels this whatever they do

I had a strict routine because I found it the easiest way - co-sleeping is my idea of hell - and I was aware a lot of people thought I was bonkers and/or mean, but it made my life much easier so I did it.

Whataboutno · 01/04/2022 22:12

@toastiemaker amen!

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 01/04/2022 22:15

The only thing I followed guidance, rather than rules, on was BLW, which worked brilliantly (thanks to MN). DD was in her own room from 6 weeks, never used a monitor, never sat in the room with her. If I'd followed the rules, I'd have smothered myself due to pnd and exhaustion.

wintersparkle1987 · 01/04/2022 22:19

6 month old has bath about half 8, quick baby massage, bottle and cuddles and I'll put her in her cot next to me when I go to bed about 11. She's been sleeping 11pm-9am for over a month now.
My 5 year old is often still awake at 9pm. He's one of the top in his class and always slept well. Only 'routine' I've had with them both is a nightly bath unless I can't be bothered.

Quornflakegirl · 01/04/2022 22:22

I was a strict rule follower but had to be as I had twins and following the lead of two babies who wanted different things was never going to work. I was regimental and it worked a charm with both of them. They slept well in their own cots day and night, were and still are very good eaters and generally easy going. They’re 10 soon so the baby and toddler stages are a distant memory.

Milomonster · 01/04/2022 22:22

Didn’t follow any rules. BF DS until he was 3 and he slept with me until he was 5. I followed his lead. I didn’t over-schedule his time by ferrying him from club to club. He is the most beautiful-hearted, confident, kind, eloquent 11 yo child with a real passion for various things.

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 01/04/2022 22:23

I never followed the ‘rules’ I went at my dc pace, it worked for us, after 3 months both had a fairly stable routine give or take.

Andoffwego · 01/04/2022 22:27

DS was a terrible sleeper until he was 3. We worked out very quickly that trying to put him to bed at 7 just led to him being wide awake from 10-3am as he treated it as a nap, so he would be up until 11 with us when he was a baby and we gradually brought bedtime forward until we finally hit around 8.15 when he was 4. He was still never asleep until 9.30 - he just didn’t need as much sleep as other babies and toddlers. He’s now 13 and cheerfully sleeps from 10:30-7 on a school night or until 11ish if he doesn’t have to get up. Until a year or so ago he would still wake at 7 every morning so it’s not like he was particularly tired. We just went with what he needed and what worked.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 01/04/2022 22:27

Yep, I’ll listen and read a bit but I mostly go with the flow. I have been consistent with a “bedtime routine” from early on so we have our evenings but they don’t always go to plan and for the past few weeks I’ve been racking up 100k steps each evening to resettle her 👌🏼

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 01/04/2022 22:39

Do not follow the 'rules'!

I was determined to follow them when DD was small and The Contented Little Baby book was the go to parenting bible. I alsonout added pressure on myself as I was going back to work and had a crap pregnancy and labour.

I was only saying to my mum this morning that I really wish I'd been able to go with the flow more and that if I'd had a second I would have done it very differently and was kind of sad that never happened...DD turns 18 this year!

sophienelisse · 01/04/2022 22:40

I let my 8 year old dd sleep with us when she needs it.

Sometimes she just needs to be in with us so I just let her.

She will one day not want to so I let her when she wants to. It's about once a week.

Sometimes she just wants that extra cuddle so whilst she wants it I'm happy letting her.

MrsMiddleMother · 01/04/2022 22:49

I always followed babies own routine especially with sleep, at 2 he got into a routine of sleeping from 7 til 7 with the occasional wake up but before then he would sleep when he needed and there was no 'bed time'

Kona84 · 01/04/2022 22:49

I have a 5 month old and bed time shifts daily depending on naps, what we are doing and how tired we all are. It’s so much calmer going with the flow rather than fighting the clock

DSGR · 01/04/2022 22:53

I read all the books. My kids were impossible and didn’t follow the rules. So I chucked them and let them sleep on me on the sofa while I watched telly, popped them in bed with me and went with it. They’re older now but I don’t regret a thing

Frenchie8690 · 01/04/2022 22:59

Best advice I ever got was to ditch the parenting books!

For my part I did c sections, bottle feeding, many hours of childcare, let them eat sugar and made and broke routines all over the show.

They seem to be turning out normal!

Jules91 · 01/04/2022 23:07

My baby is amazing. Straight out the hospital fed and slept well. But! And this is a big but - there's absolutely no way you can exert your will on her.

She plays by her own rule book. She found her own routine - try and disrupt that and she will scream the house down for hours. There is literally no way on earth I could get her to nap in her cot at a specific time of the day.

I imagine if I were really hung up on rules I'd think she was a nightmare baby.

But I think guidance is really useful - I definitely needed it.
So rather than rules I found it immensely useful to know:

  • roughly how many ml's of milk she should have per day for her weight
  • roughly how many hours of sleep she should be getting in a 24hr period
  • roughly when to start weaning and the foods to begin with
  • roughly when you should up the complexity of the foods a notch
  • as a newborn - roughly how much weight she should be gaining
  • roughly how many wet and dirty nappies
  • roughly what the general milestones are and when you should worry if they aren't being met -

alot of people get so upset about milestones but for me I used them as guides as to when I should be giving her the opportunity to practice - which can mean anything from giving her the opportunity to sit up where she can topple over safely (i.e surrounded by pillows) to buying the right types of toys to help build a new skill. Alot comes naturally (rolling over, smiling etc) but actually there are a few that I did need to be told - pincer grip for example.

Rules are dumb - no two babies are the same. Guidance is everything.

VampireMoney · 01/04/2022 23:13

Never read any books, mostly just asked my mum if I needed any pointers or advice and she was brilliant. Basically went with what worked best for us. My babies slept on me most of the time, we co-slept from birth, they were all ebf and I often fed them to sleep. They all thrived, and they've all popped into my bed as they got older if they felt they needed to for whatever reason. Youngest is 11 now and she still occasionally climbs in to watch a film or if she's upset or unwell or just wants a cuddle.

Summerfun54321 · 01/04/2022 23:15

I didn’t read a single parenting book. Why bother? People have been having babies for billions of years without clocks, and books and rules. Babies are tiny little special things that shouldn’t be controlled or trained, just cuddled, fed and cared for.

Lambanddog · 01/04/2022 23:21

@Flittingaboutagain

I read the books. Felt like I was doing it wrong. Then I had a breastfeeding expert tell me to ignore drowsy but awake and that some babies need a boob milk coma to go down. Ignoring drowsy but awake has changed my life!
I wasted so much of their early lives trying to get them to go down awake. I expect if I'd put them down awake they'd have cracked it by secondary school!
Goawayangryman · 01/04/2022 23:31

I think the vast majority of kids turn out just fine regardless of whether you slavishly follow a routine or go with the flow.

Personally I think most books are crapola and they irritated me immensely. But I also know people who did Gina ford etc who found it great.

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