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Parenting

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Original poster

Dh tapping dd hand in frustration

87 replies

WhatshallIdo55 · 30/03/2022 19:58

Dh collects dd5 from school one day a week while I'm at work. She gets quite anxious being with dh not me and was upset because I hadn't yet come home. This escalated into her screaming and crying and hitting dh. When I came home and dd had calmed, she told me daddy had smacked her. He said he had tapped her hand because she was hitting him. I said we should never hurt each other and left it at that until the kids were in bed. I spoke to him and asked what he would think if a teacher smacked her and he said it would be unacceptable. I asked why it was ok for him to and he said I was overreacting, it was only a tap and she was hitting him. He really didn't see that he had done anything wrong. I tried to explain why this worried me and it turned into a row with him shouting at me and dd crying in bed because she could hear. I went in to comfort her and dh followed, repeatedly asking her what he had done. She didn't answer but was upset and crying that she wanted to go to sleep. He kept shouting until he eventually realised he was frightening her and came downstairs. He then started to blame me, it was mybfault for being late, I did it on purpose, I over reacted, I caused the upset. He has now stormed out and I'm feeling sick to my stomach at what poor dd has been through tonight and wondering what on earth I do next. Question - was I over reacting?

OP posts:

Midlifemusings · 30/03/2022 20:05

Why is she so anxious without you? It is hard to tell if this is a you problem and you and DD are a team against DH and you don't set limits and encourage her reliance on you or if DH has done something in the past that has made her scared to be alone with him.

Tapping the hand of a child who is hitting you is not the end of the world. You did overreact but then so did he. You both sound like you are working against each other rather than as a family and your daughter is in the middle of it all.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 30/03/2022 20:06

It sounds like emotions are running too high tonight.

I would discuss it again at the weekend. Ask him why he thinks DD was hitting and what he thinks she needed at the moment. Ask him why he ‘tapped’ her, what was the reason behind it and does he think he did the right thing. You’re not wrong to be concerned and based on his answers I would decide what happens next. I don’t think your concern is unfounded but did you (understandbly given the high stress nature of the situation) over react in the way you raised it with him I don’t know because I was wasn’t there.

Petsop · 30/03/2022 20:08

Think you undermined him in what was a difficult situation, and worse you did it so your daughter heard which then reignited the whole thing.

Midlifemusings · 30/03/2022 20:11

Read some of the threads on here of men who reprimand and criticize their wives parenting. No one likes a spouse who takes that approach and it sounds like you spoke to him like a child and then persisted with your rationale for why he was wrong.

You both could probably use some parenting classes and couples counselling.

Elmo230885 · 30/03/2022 20:20

Why is your DD so anxious without you when around DH? Is she anxious all day at school? I think that's the point that needs addressing primarily.

Personally I think you have overreacted to a 'tap'. I can't even begin to imagine how your DH must feel when his daughter acts as you've described around him because you aren't there. I probably would have been defensive and felt undermined by your reaction.

You both need to get your heads together and present a united front.

Original poster

WhatshallIdo55 · 30/03/2022 20:24

Ok. I have to say I'm surprised that so many think it's OK to hurt a child but, fair enough, if I over reacted then I over reacted. I don't know why she is so anxious without me, she is looked after grandparents the other days and it's not the same problem. She worries about me not being home at bedtime which happens occasionally with work but she always knows in advance.
Genuine question- how would people have responded? Clearly I didn't get it right tonight

OP posts:

Duracellbunnywannabe · 30/03/2022 20:27

I don’t think it’s OK but no parent can say they have done something they regret in a stressful situation. It’s how you deal with that which is important.

Tee20x · 30/03/2022 20:28

I think you need to clearly identify what happened in terms of the tap. You say that your husband tapped her on the hand because she was hitting him - that wouldn't hurt? But in your second post you've said you don't understand why people think it's ok to hurt a child.

In my mind a tap wouldn't hurt and while not ideal isn't the same as a smack or something like that.

I agree with others in that it sounds as if the family unit is very much you and daughter & husband is separate which isn't great.

I would have said the shouting and him coming into the bedroom while you were trying to comfort DD is the most concerning part of this.

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 30/03/2022 20:31

Did he hurt her though?

My four year old is in a hitting phase right now. I haven’t ever hit her back but I have pushed her hands away.

She’s also a total drama queen who will then fling herself to the floor exclaiming she is hurt. In fact she accused my husband of hitting her last night when he was nowhere near her!

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 30/03/2022 20:32

You and your husband need to get on to the same team, the same side, or this is never going to work.

User56436674 · 30/03/2022 20:33

Really surprised at these answers!! I would honestly be considering ending the marriage over this. If my children's father "tapped" them in frustration then I dont know how I'd ever trust them again to look after them. His reaction afterwards was even worse

Elmo230885 · 30/03/2022 20:33

To echo a PP I think you need to define 'tap'. A tap doesn't hurt. I've tapped my DCs hand when I've needed too e.g. in a dangerous situation, or they have been hitting out and could hurt each other.

Tapping a hand to add emphasis a situation is different to slapping/hitting/hurting a child.

cornflakedreams · 30/03/2022 20:35

@Midlifemusings

You both could probably use some parenting classes and couples counselling.

Are you joking? That's a fucking obscene comment if not.

He hit his child. He should be pulled up on it. He was in the wrong.

And then his reaction is to terrorise his child further?

Hardly surprising she is anxious around him, is it?

"It was only a slap" , "it was only a tap" is what abusers say. He hit her. He is a grown adult and he hit a small child deliberately and unapologetically.

Hopefully the law in England will catch up to the more enlightened parts of the UK soon and he will have committed a criminal offence.

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 30/03/2022 20:37

Also I’m sorry but we don’t have blazing rows in front of our children. In fact ever. We do bicker and have minor stuff but I can honestly say we don’t ever scream and shout at each other to the point our children are upstairs upset. I wouldn’t tolerate being “shouted at”.

Does that happen often?

cornflakedreams · 30/03/2022 20:38

Let's get real here, abusers who hit their children almost always re-badge it as a "tap" or a "smack" to ease their conscience and shirk responsibility.

Because they know that admitting they hit their child would be poorly received by most decent human beings. So they say "it was only a tap" .

It's still hitting a child whatever lie you're telling yourself and others.

Mocara · 30/03/2022 20:40

@User56436674

🤣🤣🤣

oldcatlady22 · 30/03/2022 20:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster

WhatshallIdo55 · 30/03/2022 20:45

"^^Also I’m sorry but we don’t have blazing rows in front of our children. In fact ever. We do bicker and have minor stuff but I can honestly say we don’t ever scream and shout at each other to the point our children are upstairs upset. I wouldn’t tolerate being “shouted at”.

I'm under no illusions about the damage that rows can have on children which is why I waited until they were in bed vefore talking to him. I don't want to tolerate being shouted at either but I'm not going to ignore important issues do DH doesn't shout. Not sure what else I can do other than wait until they are in bed

OP posts:

collieresponder88 · 30/03/2022 20:50

@WhatshallIdo55

Ok. I have to say I'm surprised that so many think it's OK to hurt a child but, fair enough, if I over reacted then I over reacted. I don't know why she is so anxious without me, she is looked after grandparents the other days and it's not the same problem. She worries about me not being home at bedtime which happens occasionally with work but she always knows in advance. Genuine question- how would people have responded? Clearly I didn't get it right tonight

I don't think anyone has said they are ok with hurting a child but your daughter was screaming and hitting her father and he tapped her on the hand I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Kids need to know when they have overstepped the mark. I think you could have worked together and spoke to her about her behaviour and how she should be good for her dad when you arnt there. It's all about teamwork. It sounds like the blow up after was all unnecessary and could have been avoided I think you went way over the top to be honest and you have made your partner feel undermined your daughter will start to play one off against the other if you don't work together.

stimpyyouidiot · 30/03/2022 20:51

I imagine she's anxious to be with him because he shouts and 'taps' her.

isadoradancing123 · 30/03/2022 20:51

You made it much much worse, he tapped her hand, he didnt take a belt and whip her, it was not a big deal until you made it into one

collieresponder88 · 30/03/2022 20:52

@User56436674

Seriously. You would end your marriage over a tap on the hand !!! Give over

VeganGod · 30/03/2022 20:52

I’d be concerned about why she’s so anxious to be with your husband. I think it can be normal for young children to prefer mum but not to the point that she’s so anxious being with their dad.
I was like this if I was left with my dad, and he was abusive to me.

What sort of man/husband/father is he? Things can’t continue like this and your daughter hearing/seeing the row when she should feel safe in bed is just heartbreaking.

Midlifemusings · 30/03/2022 20:55

@stimpyyouidiot

Most parents have raised their voices or grabbed a child's arm tight to get their attention or tapped their hand to stop a behaviour - especially when that behaviour hurts. Yes, I am sure there are some perfect parents - but the majority aren't.

SummerBluez · 30/03/2022 20:56

A grown man "tapping" a five year old in anger while shouting would be scary for the child. No wonder she's anxious to he alone with him.
All these posters saying it's "only a tap" Imagine someone three times your size shouting at you and then smacking your hand in anger.

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