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Original poster

Dh tapping dd hand in frustration

87 replies

WhatshallIdo55 · 30/03/2022 19:58

Dh collects dd5 from school one day a week while I'm at work. She gets quite anxious being with dh not me and was upset because I hadn't yet come home. This escalated into her screaming and crying and hitting dh. When I came home and dd had calmed, she told me daddy had smacked her. He said he had tapped her hand because she was hitting him. I said we should never hurt each other and left it at that until the kids were in bed. I spoke to him and asked what he would think if a teacher smacked her and he said it would be unacceptable. I asked why it was ok for him to and he said I was overreacting, it was only a tap and she was hitting him. He really didn't see that he had done anything wrong. I tried to explain why this worried me and it turned into a row with him shouting at me and dd crying in bed because she could hear. I went in to comfort her and dh followed, repeatedly asking her what he had done. She didn't answer but was upset and crying that she wanted to go to sleep. He kept shouting until he eventually realised he was frightening her and came downstairs. He then started to blame me, it was mybfault for being late, I did it on purpose, I over reacted, I caused the upset. He has now stormed out and I'm feeling sick to my stomach at what poor dd has been through tonight and wondering what on earth I do next. Question - was I over reacting?

OP posts:

ForgedInFire · 30/03/2022 23:13

I have a 5 year old and I wouldnt accept her screaming and hitting me and as an expression of anxiety. That is quite old enough to learn to keep your hands to yourself, unless there is a deeper issue. I think the row between you afterwards was more damaging then him tapping her hand.

ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 23:22

@ForgedInFire

The 'deeper issue' is her anxiety around her father.

Selma22 · 31/03/2022 00:39

I was raised that if I hit someone and they hit me back then I would know how it felt and wouldn't hurt others again.But we are obviously taking about a tap and that's all.Not hitting.Far too many people let their kids lash out at adults and thats viewed as a minor thing.Hurting others is never ok

urbanbuddha · 31/03/2022 03:18

Sorry, I don't like the sound of this 'tapping'. He's minimising and re-framing what he has done. Why?

Why doesn't your daughter like being around him? Why is she nervous at bedtime unless you're there? I wouldn't automatically think the worst here, but you should review the situation and make sure all is safe for her.

^This.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 31/03/2022 03:27

I don't think she sounds scared of her dad if she's hitting him, I think she just wants her mum and is lashing out. And it does depend on what you mean by “tap". I've tapped my toddlers hand away from a knife for example, I wouldn't be impressed if DH started accusing me of hurting him over such a tap.

urbanbuddha · 31/03/2022 04:12

And it does depend on what you mean by “tap".

That's the point. OP doesn't know - DD says daddy smacked her, daddy says he didn't - he "tapped" her.
The question really is why is DD screaming and crying and hitting daddy, when she doesn't behave like that with other people.

Weatherwax13 · 31/03/2022 04:27

The bit that strikes me is that your child is only anxious and distressed, and wanting mum, when she's with him.
You don't think her grandparents have this issue with her at all.
So it's not that she's universally struggling in your absence.
Given his temper, yelling - and continuing to yell right in her bedroom when she's obviously scared - I would be very suspicious that she's frightened of being alone with him.
Perhaps it really was a tap and not a "proper smack" but notwithstanding that he may be regularly losing his temper when he has to deal with her alone. And even if it was "just a tap" if she's already afraid, that's going to reinforce in her mind that she's right to be.
It sounds like you're already wondering this. You know the bloke and you know your child.

Kanaloa · 31/03/2022 04:27

@ForgedInFire

So you wouldn’t accept a 5 year old hitting you as an expression of their feelings but a grown up hitting a child as an expression of their feelings is ok? How will she learn to ‘keep her hands to herself’ if her father hasn’t learned yet?

Coming in to her bedroom and shouting what have I done etc. He just doesn’t sound very good and controlling his own feelings and behaving calmly with his child.

And ‘tap’ is just a word parents use because ‘I just hit my child when they do something I don’t like’ sounds horrible. Tapping a child the way you’d tap someone’s shoulder to get their attention wouldn’t stop them doing anything, would it. I find it horrible lazy parenting.

Kanaloa · 31/03/2022 04:31

@Viviennemary

She sounds an extremely naughty child. You need to provide stricter discipline. I think your DH has done nothing wrong. What a load of nonsense on this thread. No wonder there are so many badly behaved children these days. Hitting parents.

Unheard of in my day.

So child hitting parent - extremely naughty. Parent hitting child - strict discipline.

How stupid you sound. Obviously the ‘strict discipline’ isn’t the issue because she isn’t hitting and screaming at the parent who doesn’t hit and shout at her, is she?

HellToTheNope · 31/03/2022 04:43

I spoke to him and asked what he would think if a teacher smacked her and he said it would be unacceptable. I asked why it was ok for him to and he said I was overreacting, it was only a tap and she was hitting him. He really didn't see that he had done anything wrong. I tried to explain why this worried me and it turned into a row with him shouting at me and dd crying in bed because she could hear. I went in to comfort her and dh followed, repeatedly asking her what he had done. She didn't answer but was upset and crying that she wanted to go to sleep. He kept shouting until he eventually realised he was frightening her and came downstairs. He then started to blame me, it was mybfault for being late, I did it on purpose, I over reacted, I caused the upset. He has now stormed out

What the fuck is wrong with this man? The "tap" aside, he's behaving like a fucking lunatic.

Selma22 · 31/03/2022 07:57

Its about intent?
Child lashing out and hitting to hurt someone is different than tapping to enforce boundaries.
Example...someone kidnapping someone would be a punishable offence.Yet we punishable criminals by locking them up?
Intent matters especially when children of certain age don't always get the message by sitting 5 min on the stairs.
Yes communication between parents is the key and better discipline would be needed but if it was indeed a tap and not a wallop then this isn't as big of a deal people make out it to be.
Imagine if father questioned mothers choices like this?

SummerBluez · 31/03/2022 08:15

Some awful parents on this thread gleefully defending an adults right to slap a young child. Tap is pathetic minimisation I'm not going to use it. He slapped a child.

stimpyyouidiot · 31/03/2022 08:24

@SummerBluez

Some awful parents on this thread gleefully defending an adults right to slap a young child. Tap is pathetic minimisation I'm not going to use it. He slapped a child.

Thank you! Wondered where the rational voices were

MissyB1 · 31/03/2022 08:33

He was wrong to smack her, you were wrong to over react and cause a scene. What’s the point of waiting till dd is in bed if you are going to wake her with your shouting anyway?
You and Dh need to agree (calmly!) how to address your dd’s behaviour. And make sure you are not contributing to a “god cop bad cop” vibe in the house.

Selma22 · 31/03/2022 08:37

@SummerBluez

Some awful parents on this thread gleefully defending an adults right to slap a young child. Tap is pathetic minimisation I'm not going to use it. He slapped a child.

My mum slapped my bottom when I was little if I had done something that was really naughty.She wasn't and awful parent and isn't one now. She raise a child who wouldn't dream of hitting an adult.

onewednesdayindecember · 31/03/2022 08:38

The thing that concerns me the most is that he was shouting at you enough to upset her when she was upstairs in bed. Instead of trying to calm himself down because he was causing distress to her it sounds like he barged into her bedroom and scared her. Your bed is supposed to be a safe place at any age, let alone when you’re a young child. He put proving himself right as a priority above all else. That’s the bit that would concern me most.

ididntevennotice · 31/03/2022 08:49

My mum slapped my bottom when I was little if I had done something that was really naughty.She wasn't and awful parent and isn't one now. She raise a child who wouldn't dream of hitting an adult.

Don't you think it's a bit bizarre that she raised children who would t dream of hitting an adult; but think hitting children is fair game?

SummerBluez · 31/03/2022 08:52

@Selma22
You don't even see the irony of that statement.
You as a child wouldn't dream of hitting an adult. Because you as a child knew that you were fair game to be hit by an adult.
It's sad that you think that's good parenting.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 31/03/2022 08:54

@WhatshallIdo55

"^^Also I’m sorry but we don’t have blazing rows in front of our children. In fact ever. We do bicker and have minor stuff but I can honestly say we don’t ever scream and shout at each other to the point our children are upstairs upset. I wouldn’t tolerate being “shouted at”.

I'm under no illusions about the damage that rows can have on children which is why I waited until they were in bed vefore talking to him. I don't want to tolerate being shouted at either but I'm not going to ignore important issues do DH doesn't shout. Not sure what else I can do other than wait until they are in bed

I don’t agree with this. It’s good for children to see that adults have disagreements and can amicably deal with them. Obviously I won’t row about the kids in front of them.

Viviennemary · 31/03/2022 11:08

If these undisciplined children think its acceptable to hit an adult they will quite possibly be one of those who kicks and punches the teacher and may end up being excluded or expelled.

KELLOGSspeck · 31/03/2022 11:16

@Midlifemusings

Why is she so anxious without you? It is hard to tell if this is a you problem and you and DD are a team against DH and you don't set limits and encourage her reliance on you or if DH has done something in the past that has made her scared to be alone with him.

Tapping the hand of a child who is hitting you is not the end of the world. You did overreact but then so did he. You both sound like you are working against each other rather than as a family and your daughter is in the middle of it all.

I agree with this. This is this issue that has been missed OP.

Ok. I have to say I'm surprised that so many think it's OK to hurt a child but, fair enough,

Your DD should not be hitting adults out of frustration either OP.

Kanaloa · 31/03/2022 12:38

@Viviennemary

If these undisciplined children think its acceptable to hit an adult they will quite possibly be one of those who kicks and punches the teacher and may end up being excluded or expelled.

You just sound stupider and stupider. Most children have lashed out and hit at some point. Very few end up expelled for kicking and punching teachers. People who want to hit kids really will scrape the barrel for ‘reasons’ they’re allowed to do so.

Kanaloa · 31/03/2022 12:39

Your DD should not be hitting adults out of frustration either OP.

But the father hitting her out of frustration is ‘not the end of the world.’ A five year old being held to a higher standard than her father.

Ozanj · 31/03/2022 12:46

@WhatshallIdo55

Ok. I have to say I'm surprised that so many think it's OK to hurt a child but, fair enough, if I over reacted then I over reacted. I don't know why she is so anxious without me, she is looked after grandparents the other days and it's not the same problem. She worries about me not being home at bedtime which happens occasionally with work but she always knows in advance. Genuine question- how would people have responded? Clearly I didn't get it right tonight

Does she have friends? Anxiety can be made worse if she doesn’t have friends or you don’t make the effort to foster friendships. That can cause the aggression too.

As for your DP - how often do you and he act aggressively with each other? Don’t assume she doesn’t know because she’s in bed during a row / disagreement etc. if you are constantly arguing it will be better for her for you to seperate

DockOTheBay · 31/03/2022 12:49

I went in to comfort her and dh followed, repeatedly asking her what he had done. She didn't answer but was upset and crying that she wanted to go to sleep. He kept shouting until he eventually realised he was frightening her and came downstairs. He then started to blame me, it was mybfault for being late, I did it on purpose, I over reacted, I caused the upset. He has now stormed out
I think this is far more concerning than the physical discipline.

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