Dh tapping dd hand in frustration

[WhatshallIdo55]

Dh collects dd5 from school one day a week while I'm at work. She gets quite anxious being with dh not me and was upset because I hadn't yet come home. This escalated into her screaming and crying and hitting dh. When I came home and dd had calmed, she told me daddy had smacked her. He said he had tapped her hand because she was hitting him. I said we should never hurt each other and left it at that until the kids were in bed. I spoke to him and asked what he would think if a teacher smacked her and he said it would be unacceptable. I asked why it was ok for him to and he said I was overreacting, it was only a tap and she was hitting him. He really didn't see that he had done anything wrong. I tried to explain why this worried me and it turned into a row with him shouting at me and dd crying in bed because she could hear. I went in to comfort her and dh followed, repeatedly asking her what he had done. She didn't answer but was upset and crying that she wanted to go to sleep. He kept shouting until he eventually realised he was frightening her and came downstairs. He then started to blame me, it was mybfault for being late, I did it on purpose, I over reacted, I caused the upset. He has now stormed out and I'm feeling sick to my stomach at what poor dd has been through tonight and wondering what on earth I do next. Question - was I over reacting?

I think on the face of it you have overreacted, assuming he's telling the truth in what he says. Tapping a child's hand to stop them hitting you is not a terrible thing.

However, I'd be concerned about the anxiety she shows around being left alone with him and that would make me wonder if maybe he is not being honest about how he is with her when you're not present.

Yes she might need discipline but "tapping" and shouting is not discipline

Interesting that the poll results here don't really match the comments. I think your DH was wrong to hit her no matter how hard or soft he did it, because he is meant to be modelling self control and restraint. If he can't deal with his anger without lashing out, how's he going to teach her too?

It also sounds like he reacted badly to your criticism. I think you should perhaps have left it and spoken again once he was calm and had time to think about it. But it's concerning that he then continued ranting at your DD and upsetting her. He sounds very angry.

@Theunamedcat

Yes she might need discipline but "tapping" and shouting is not discipline

A child that is anxious and upset when left alone with her father does not need discipline

@Viviennemary

If these undisciplined children think its acceptable to hit an adult they will quite possibly be one of those who kicks and punches the teacher and may end up being excluded or expelled.

And if these children who are trying to communicate something g is wrong are not listened to it will escalate. Why is the consideration here always the adults? Who is advocating for the children?

This is by far one of the saddest threads I have ever read on here - tapping/time out/disciplining a child who is displaying something might be wrong is not acceptable. Listen to the child. Listen.

I also find it strange she's so upset / anxious without you when her Dad is looking after her.

My son is 2, still breastfed and co-sleeping with me etc. VERY attached to me and I'm the primary carer for him & always have been.

I work shifts so work 'late' and come home in the night time frequently. I just tell him Daddy is doing dinner and bed and mummy will come home in the night and come to bed. He's not thrilled about it and would prefer I did bedtime but screaming and hitting seems like an extreme reaction - particularly as they're old enough to understand!

Something else is going on, she's either really not enjoying being left with her Dad or she's struggling with attachment / anxiety. I think you should try and get to the bottom of it....

It is not okay to hit a child IMO - id be furious and DP would he packing his bag and he'd be dragging me through court before he ever saw his kids again. However this is a mutual boundary and we both agree that we don't discipline in that way.

Also how does your husband think that a good way to teach your child not to hit is by hitting them - what a joke!

You need to let the dust settle and then talk to your husband. You need to get on the same page with this because it's a big deal and if you can't then you can't really function.

I agree with those who have an issue with the word ‘tap’. If it’s enough to register with her, it’s a ‘hit’.

I also think he needs to not lose control when he’s angry and hit her.

funny your 5yr old said daddy smacked her yet he implied she is a liar by suggesting he merely stated tapped her hand, If his behaviour following your discussion with him is anything to go by I would have no doubt he 'smacked' her. He is a nasty bully and the fact his own DC is anxious around him and clearly distressed is a very worrying sign....

Wow I would be really upset by this too OP

I find it a bit disturbing that he's come in her room and started asking her what he did, it sounds aggressive

She's 5 years old and he's a grown man

Is there any more to say on it?

Did you know they've recently made smacking illegal in wales, it is already illegal in Scotland but not England (yet).

Those defending him and saying you overreacted are just being defensive of their own choices. But I think deep down we all know it is wrong and hitting a vulnerable child, or anyone else, is never ok

@Viviennemary

Did you know that hitting a child is more likely to encourage them to learn that hitting is acceptable?

It's just sloppy parenting at best and abusive at worst

@SummerBluez glad to see your comment