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Parenting

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Original poster

Dh tapping dd hand in frustration

87 replies

WhatshallIdo55 · 30/03/2022 19:58

Dh collects dd5 from school one day a week while I'm at work. She gets quite anxious being with dh not me and was upset because I hadn't yet come home. This escalated into her screaming and crying and hitting dh. When I came home and dd had calmed, she told me daddy had smacked her. He said he had tapped her hand because she was hitting him. I said we should never hurt each other and left it at that until the kids were in bed. I spoke to him and asked what he would think if a teacher smacked her and he said it would be unacceptable. I asked why it was ok for him to and he said I was overreacting, it was only a tap and she was hitting him. He really didn't see that he had done anything wrong. I tried to explain why this worried me and it turned into a row with him shouting at me and dd crying in bed because she could hear. I went in to comfort her and dh followed, repeatedly asking her what he had done. She didn't answer but was upset and crying that she wanted to go to sleep. He kept shouting until he eventually realised he was frightening her and came downstairs. He then started to blame me, it was mybfault for being late, I did it on purpose, I over reacted, I caused the upset. He has now stormed out and I'm feeling sick to my stomach at what poor dd has been through tonight and wondering what on earth I do next. Question - was I over reacting?

OP posts:

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 30/03/2022 21:05

If she was knocking lumps out of him first it doesn’t suggest she’s exactly frightened of him

Original poster

WhatshallIdo55 · 30/03/2022 21:17

Well this thread is about as divided as DH and I on the issue

OP posts:

worriedatthistime · 30/03/2022 21:24

Why does your daughter hit as well what is your reaction when she does that what do you normally do?
If it was just a tap and a one off you talk and decide better strategies for dealing with her bad behaviour
Not sure why you didn't wait until asleep or distracted with tv to talk as if you woke her up it must of been a lot pf shouting ,
It sounds like it was then blown all again later
You need to find out what happened and talk from there
As parents we all sometimes make mistakes only you will know if that was one of these occasions

MarshaBradyo · 30/03/2022 21:29

No I don’t think you were and his shouting over it sounds full on.

He didn’t need to hit her, even if he’s calling it a tap. Although your dd uses smack when telling you which is how it felt

collieresponder88 · 30/03/2022 21:30

@SummerBluez

A grown man "tapping" a five year old in anger while shouting would be scary for the child. No wonder she's anxious to he alone with him. All these posters saying it's "only a tap" Imagine someone three times your size shouting at you and then smacking your hand in anger.

She shouldn't have been hitting her father then should she. Maybe she won't do that again !

CheshireChat · 30/03/2022 21:30

Yeah, how often would an abusive parent admit to hitting a child? Because tapping/ smacking= hit hard enough without leaving a mark 90% time. Why is assault illegal when done to an adult, but perfectly fine if done to someone smaller, younger and unable to defend themselves.

I sincerely doubt a 5yo would mention an actual tap, in fact she called it a smack.

CheshireChat · 30/03/2022 21:31

@collieresponder88 that's appalling victim blaming towards a 5yo. She's 5!

You don't bloody hit back, you figure out what's causing and implement coping strategies.

darlingdodo · 30/03/2022 21:37

To me, tapping is like tapping fingers along with music on the arm of a chair - if a child is having a tantrum, hitting out etc, I honestly don't think a tap on the hand to gain their attention when perhaps talking to them hasn't worked, is anything to get worked up about. I guess it depends on what the 'tap' consisted of. Children this age can be drama llamas and parents presenting a united front is important.

woodhill · 30/03/2022 22:04

Why is it always ok for the dc to hurt the adult repeatedly in the first place, I don't really blame your dh for reacting

Theunamedcat · 30/03/2022 22:10

Five year old hitting you you can get up and walk away

Big arse man "tapping" you and yelling at you when you are five years old where do you go?

Hitting and dramatics are partly learned behaviour (dramatics not so much) so where did she learn hitting is an appropriate response to frustration?

Kind hands kind words literally taught in primary school maybe he needs to go back there and learn

Midlifemusings · 30/03/2022 22:12

@SummerBluez

Where do you see he tapped her in anger while shouting? That isn't in the OP. Did you make that up or did I miss it in one of OPs responses??

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 30/03/2022 22:13

Oh please. Most small kids hit out when they’re angry or overwhelmed or feeling big feelings that they can’t cope with. It’s absolutely not the case that this must be “learned behaviour”.

Theunamedcat · 30/03/2022 22:14

Just reread the op he followed you to yell at you infrint of the child? What the fuck is his problem can't deal with anything in a rational manner can he all he had to do was say in future I will find another way but no his inability to keep her calm turns into your fault for "being late" how many hours late were you that he lost control? One two? Does he ever parent alone?

ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 22:15

She gets quite anxious being with dh not me and was upset because I hadn't yet come home. This escalated into her screaming and crying and hitting dh. When I came home and dd had calmed, she told me daddy had smacked her.

I would be wondering if the reason she is anxious is because he has hurt her before.

WTF475878237NC · 30/03/2022 22:17

I don't think the "tap" is ok but what is even worse in my opinion is shouting at a child demanding they tell you why they're upset. Trying to get them (the less powerful little person) to speak up about their feelings against the powerful other is just wrong.

Viviennemary · 30/03/2022 22:18

She sounds an extremely naughty child. You need to provide stricter discipline. I think your DH has done nothing wrong. What a load of nonsense on this thread. No wonder there are so many badly behaved children these days. Hitting parents. Unheard of in my day.

stimpyyouidiot · 30/03/2022 22:28

Would never ever "tap" my child. No matter what they were doing. I can control myself and my emotions. They can't.

Cherrysherbet · 30/03/2022 22:38

Oh please. Most small kids hit out when they’re angry or overwhelmed or feeling big feelings that they can’t cope with.

Erm no they don’t! I don’t agree with tapping/hitting children, but if you think it’s normal for small children to hit adults ( or anyone), you need a reality check!
“Feeling big feelings” my arse!!

mathanxiety · 30/03/2022 22:53

I think you have seen tonight why your daughter is afraid of her father and wants you there instead.

To follow you upstairs and shout at her and at you, he must feel pretty confident that his reactions to being challenged are normal and reasonable. They are not.

Minimizing what he did, turning to blame, and refusing to accept criticism, when what he did was respond to anxiety and crying by getting angry and probably exacerbating the child's anxiety, and finally getting into a physical altercation with a child, is behaviour that needs to be acknowledged and addressed.

You did nothing wrong. Your H is a first class knob. I wouldn't believe for one second that he gave a 'tap'. He was angry enough in front of you to harangue both you and a five year old child, and I would strongly suspect that he outright slapped her.

Your child is afraid of her father.

I would be considering my options if I were you. I would like to be a fly on the wall on nights when your H does dinner and bedtime for your DD. I have a feeling things do not go smoothly.

Mocara · 30/03/2022 22:54

@Viviennemary

Unheard of in my day.

Common sense at last ,well said !

mathanxiety · 30/03/2022 22:59

@ididntevennotice, YY, I would also be looking at the reason she is so anxious around him.

I don't think this is the first time he has lost it with the child. I think he is angry that he has not got away with it this time, and has been building up a rationale for his failure to parent over a long period ( essentially, it's all the OP's fault). He likely resents having to facilitate the OP working late. Toxic masculinity doesn't make for good parenting.

mathanxiety · 30/03/2022 23:01

Viviennemary, your kneejerk response betrays a complete lack of insight into children's behavior.

Marblessolveeverything · 30/03/2022 23:04

I don't understand what you or him mean by a tap. Do you mean hit? Tap could mean I lay a hand on you to get attention but I am not reading the tap this way. If it is something he wouldn't expect a teacher do then why is it acceptable for him to do it ?

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 30/03/2022 23:06

My guess would be he shouts at her and smacks her regularly, that's why she's anxious & hits him back.
If he is prone to losing his temper with her, he's not really going to just 'tap' her hand is he.
As someone who was smacked regularly by her own father, you never really trust them again.

Undertheoldlindentree · 30/03/2022 23:12

Sorry, I don't like the sound of this 'tapping'. He's minimising and re-framing what he has done. Why?

Why doesn't your daughter like being around him? Why is she nervous at bedtime unless you're there? I wouldn't automatically think the worst here, but you should review the situation and make sure all is safe for her.

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