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Original poster

Not ready to leave my baby yet but invited somewhere without baby

76 replies

PlantMummy87 · 28/03/2022 22:26

It's my friend's birthday coming up and she has invited me to go for a meal with her and a few other friends which is lovely.

Baby will be 4 months old then. I'm starting to get really worried about the expectation that I should be ready to leave baby at home with her dad by now. I've only been away from baby twice since she was born, once when I had to take our dog to the vets and once when her dad took her for walk on his own. I know I'm currently experiencing some severe post natal anxiety that is mainly around baby's health and leaving her with anyone else and am reaching out to get help from GP and HV now as it is causing a lot of distress to me including panic attacks and distressing intrusive thoughts. Baby is exclusively breastfed and I've also had a lot of anxiety over introducing a bottle.

I initially thought as my friend lives around an hour away, in the same town as my family, that I would go to my family's with my husband and baby and he would look after baby there whilst I was out but wouldn't be too far away if they needed me, with the idea that I'd been able to feed baby before and after the meal without having to worry about the time travelling on top of the time being away at the meal. But it looks like now we will be meeting part way between all the friends invited now so will be in a small village somewhere in a pub or something. So this plan I had doesn't seem like it will work, but I'm not sure what else to do. My husband said that I should ask to bring baby otherwise I probably can't go as I'm guessing meal will be a few hours and then depending on where we meet travel will be around 30-45mins as country roads each way. I really don't want to come across as taking the attention away from my friend as its her birthday and often when you are out with babies people as drawn to baby or talk about them etc. My friend is a mum, but her kids are a bit older and I'm sure she is wanting grown-up time. What would you do in this situation? Thanks ☺️

OP posts:

HewasH2O · 28/03/2022 22:30

My baby had a full time place in nursery when she was 4 1/2m old, so I don't understand your concern at leaving your baby with their other parent. If it's going to cause you that much anxiety though, don't go.

Wnikat · 28/03/2022 22:31

Just don’t go if you’re not ready, it’s not worth this much stress.

Ragwort · 28/03/2022 22:32

What I would do is leave my baby with my DH ... I mix fed so it was never an issue (what would happen if you were rushed into hospital?).

Do not ask if you can bring a 4 month old baby to the meal, it will totally change the dynamic of the evening and your friend might be too polite to say 'no'.

If you really feel anxious about leaving your baby then you need to decline the invitation.

How does your DH feel about the fact that you never leave your baby with him?

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Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/03/2022 22:32

I would remind yourself sternly your dc will be with a trusted person - it's df. And you are just with a friend. Bet when you get home it wasn't as bad as you are thinking it will be. Practice popping to a shop.

Blanketpolicy · 28/03/2022 22:33

It is different for everyone, some people feel comfortable leaving their babies very early, some much later. There is no right or wrong and anyone who judges either way is not worth knowing. Just do what feels right for you and you wont to far wrong.

NameChange30 · 28/03/2022 22:34

Please don't ask to take the baby. It will change the whole dynamic. You are unlikely to be able to relax and enjoy it because you'll obviously have to focus on looking after the baby.

Just sit this one out. Apologise to your friend and tell her you wanted to be there but you're unfortunately not ready to leave your baby. If you feel comfortable telling her about your anxiety then I'm sure she would be understanding about it.

Hope you can talk to your GP sooner rather than later and get some support. You should get fast tracked for CBT if you want it. And do consider taking sertraline if GP advises medication, it's safe to take when breastfeeding and has done wonders for me.

Qwill · 28/03/2022 22:34

If you’re not ready to leave your baby then don’t. It doesn’t sound like there is any expectation that you should, but I can understand that someone who suffers from anxiety would be worried about that. Your friend has kindly asked you out for a meal for her birthday and it doesn’t sound like there will be any feelings of resentment if you say you can’t go.

I think it’s really good you’re getting some help for you anxiety around your baby’s health and you are able to access the support you need. Good luck!

Mumdiva99 · 28/03/2022 22:35

Don't go. It's normal not to want to leave very young babies. When she's older you'll be happier about it. Your friend will understand.

Ragwort · 28/03/2022 22:36

I am sorry you are worrying over your baby's health, I also had a baby with serious health issues (needed major surgery at GOSH) but I still made sure my baby and DH had plenty of time alone together, good luck whatever you decide.

jackstini · 28/03/2022 22:38

How does your husband feel about the fact you won't leave the baby with him?

A lot can change before the meal and 4 months is definitely old enough for you to leave for a few hours

A lot of mums are back at work by then and it's good for baby to get used to being with Dad, or other family/friends

If you really don't want to, it's your choice but how old will be old enough...?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 28/03/2022 22:40

Miss it this time if you're under pressure.

Start mix feeding with a bottle to avoid missing out in the future.

You'd probably have a great time if you make the paper.

I wouldn't ask about the baby going with you it's an adult meal.

LoganberryJam · 28/03/2022 22:40

It's ok if you don't feel able to go. But I don't think you should ask to bring the baby - it's not fair on your friend who would probably feel you had put her in a difficult position. If you're meeting halfway you'll only be about half an hour from home, yes? So you could get home fairly quickly if necessary?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 28/03/2022 22:40

Party not paper.

Overthebow · 28/03/2022 22:43

Don’t ask to take the baby, that’s unfair on your friend. Don’t go if you don’t want to.

sauceyorange · 28/03/2022 22:44

Just don't go. It's not worth the hassle or disrupting breastfeeding for (weird to prioritise someone else's party over that imo, per previous comments).

There will be other parties. Don't worry :)

patritus · 28/03/2022 22:44

Either don't go or just go for couple of hours. Then, with travel, you'll be away just over 3 hrs. I expect you will enjoy it when you get there.
Baby will be fine being looked after by her other parent but you need to feel comfortable about it.

Clymene · 28/03/2022 22:45

Don't go and ruin your friend's birthday.

It's good that you're seeking help as this level of anxiety is not healthy nor normal.

Concestor · 28/03/2022 22:46

I didn't leave my babies till they were quite a bit older than that. I was exclusively breastfeeding with both of them (five year age gap so at different times) and I just declined invitations saying I wasn't able to leave my baby yet. That's all you need to do.
You don't have to mix feed or start leaving your baby or any of the other unhelpful suggestions here if you don't want to. You do what feels right for you and your baby.

gamerchick · 28/03/2022 22:47

Don't be that person who asks to take their baby OP. Just duck out. Work on trusting her dad to care for his own bairn. It'll have to happen eventually

PinkDaffodil2 · 28/03/2022 22:47

If baby doesn’t take a bottle it sounds like you can’t go - mine didn’t but by about 7.5 months would be ok with a sippy cup and some food: yogurt for several hours and by 9 months I was working 10 hour days 3 days/ week - never took a bottle but managed fine (despite my initial anxiety!)
If you want to introduce a bottle and it goes well that’s great! But otherwise you’ve only a few more months till you have a bit more freedom.
Try if you can to separate out your thoughts about the logistical issue of feeding baby, and the more anxiety driven feelings about the situation. Other than this meal is there a need to introduce a bottle? It’s also fine to keep exclusively breastfeeding until to introduce other foods and water (work etc allowing) if that’s what is best for you.

Okeydoky · 28/03/2022 22:50

Not everyone is comfortable leaving their baby, and that's OK. I ebf and until I went back to work at a year I hadn't had more than a few hours away from my baby. That's what I was comfortable with and my husband had no issues with it. He still spent plenty of time with our child.

There was no point me going out without my baby as I would just have stressed. I would not have enjoyed knowing I was so far away if baby needed feeding, and I had zero desire to mixed feed personally. So I would have politely declined and perhaps made plans to meet friend for lunch when my partner or family could have baby nearby for a few hours.

Don't worry about what other people are comfortable with, this is about you and your baby.

BookkeeperBobby · 28/03/2022 22:53

Ah bless you OP. It's ok to decline this invitation. As a PP said your friend sounds thoughtful in inviting you and very likely will be similarly thoughtful when you express your apologies and tell here as little or as much as you need to about your reasons.

Glad you are getting support around your anxiety. Would it help at all to maybe see this in a different light? As in : despite the fact that you are struggling with the psychological aftermath of birth and new parenthood, you did nevertheless make plans to attend and came up with a solution that worked for you? Obviously now the situation is looking different, but still you were prepared to give it a go, which looks from here like quite significant progress. Be gentle with yourself. You'll get there. Maybe give yourself an ultimatum when the baby is 25 and you still can't face a night out.

HardbackWriter · 28/03/2022 22:53

Don't ask to bring the baby, but it's fine to leave the baby with your DH, or it's fine to not go because you're not ready to go without the baby yet. Either would be completely normal at this stage. There will be other opportunities to see your friend (make sure there are by going to see her when you feel up to leaving the baby if that's not now).

With my first I was obsessed with getting him to take a bottle, and endlessly bloody pumped to ensure he would. I went out about twice in the first six months, which didn't feel like a great return on my investment. With my second I just went with EBF, accepted I wasn't going to go far for a while, and now he's 1, that bit is already behind me (I recently went away for the weekend without him) and it really didn't feel worth stressing over - I didn't miss much!

christmasthoughts · 28/03/2022 22:54

I'd say at this stage just don't go. It's not worth the stress and they'll be more birthdays! You need to look after your mental health and get that sorted before you add more worry.
I was in exactly the same situation as you with DC1. Didn't leave him until he was over one, intrusive thoughts and excessive worry. It's really hard so I sympathise but it will get better I promise

Clymene · 28/03/2022 22:54

I was able to leave my ebf babies with a bottle of expressed milk. Maybe the OP will be able to do that, maybe she won't. If she wants to go, it's worth a try.

What isn't worth it is getting super stressed about it. Tell the friend that you hope to be there but will let her know nearer the time. No need to catastrophise

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