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Original poster

Not ready to leave my baby yet but invited somewhere without baby

76 replies

PlantMummy87 · 28/03/2022 22:26

It's my friend's birthday coming up and she has invited me to go for a meal with her and a few other friends which is lovely.

Baby will be 4 months old then. I'm starting to get really worried about the expectation that I should be ready to leave baby at home with her dad by now. I've only been away from baby twice since she was born, once when I had to take our dog to the vets and once when her dad took her for walk on his own. I know I'm currently experiencing some severe post natal anxiety that is mainly around baby's health and leaving her with anyone else and am reaching out to get help from GP and HV now as it is causing a lot of distress to me including panic attacks and distressing intrusive thoughts. Baby is exclusively breastfed and I've also had a lot of anxiety over introducing a bottle.

I initially thought as my friend lives around an hour away, in the same town as my family, that I would go to my family's with my husband and baby and he would look after baby there whilst I was out but wouldn't be too far away if they needed me, with the idea that I'd been able to feed baby before and after the meal without having to worry about the time travelling on top of the time being away at the meal. But it looks like now we will be meeting part way between all the friends invited now so will be in a small village somewhere in a pub or something. So this plan I had doesn't seem like it will work, but I'm not sure what else to do. My husband said that I should ask to bring baby otherwise I probably can't go as I'm guessing meal will be a few hours and then depending on where we meet travel will be around 30-45mins as country roads each way. I really don't want to come across as taking the attention away from my friend as its her birthday and often when you are out with babies people as drawn to baby or talk about them etc. My friend is a mum, but her kids are a bit older and I'm sure she is wanting grown-up time. What would you do in this situation? Thanks ☺️

OP posts:

BlackishTulips · 28/03/2022 22:55

Are you on maternity leave?
If you are going back to work you need to start working towards leaving baby at some point.
I actually think the intensity of the maternity leave period can be quite tricky.
Can you give a couple of weeks of leave to your OH so he has some time home alone taking full responsibility too? Perhaps once baby is weaning, so not for a few months.

BendingSpoons · 28/03/2022 22:56

I wouldn't have gone. DD was ebf and didn't take a bottle and I was exhausted anyway. I would have offered to do something separate with the friend if she wanted.

BaffledMum22 · 28/03/2022 22:57

@PlantMummy87 sorry you’re having such a hard time with your anxiety OP. Every person is different - I know a girl who he allowed her baby (first baby) to stay over at her mums house one night per week since he was 2 weeks old so that she can have a date night with her partner each week. Personally, the first time I ever left DS was to return to work PT - 2 weeks after his 1st birthday 🤷🏻‍♀️🙈 and yes, that includes leaving him with DH 😬 although, it was during lockdowns etc so I had nowhere to go and no reason to leave him. The first (and only) time I left him to do anything other than go to work he was 16months and I went to a meal with friends.

Do what you’re comfortable with. I’m sure your friend will understand 😊

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MrsEricBana · 28/03/2022 22:57

I think don't go as it will cause you stress, send her some flowers and card for her birthday, and hopefully things will become easier with time, support and reassurance.

Comedycook · 28/03/2022 22:57

Don't go. You're not ready and won't enjoy it

BookkeeperBobby · 28/03/2022 22:57

Tell her

ACatCalledLola · 28/03/2022 22:57

I’ve breastfed all of mine and I wouldn’t have been able to leave any of them for any length of time at that age, certainly not a few hours. They’ve all been bottle refusers so it’s not as easy as just introducing a bottle. Many breastfed babies just won’t accept them and are used to being fed on demand.
To the posters saying that the baby has to get used to being with their dad, yes that is true but at 4 months an exclusively breastfed baby relies solely on their mother for food. It’s not that the dad can’t share parenting in many ways but feeding just isn’t something they can do. At that age babies tend to feed every couple of hours, sometimes more. They’re going to get very upset if they suddenly can’t have it. In your position I wouldn’t go unless you’re somewhere where you can get back to your baby quickly if they need you.

Viviennemary · 28/03/2022 23:01

Don't ask to bring the baby. If you aren't ready to leave the baby yet thats fine just say you'll go another time.

Ravenglass83 · 28/03/2022 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 28/03/2022 23:02

Do what is best for you.

BuanoKubiamVej · 28/03/2022 23:04

It's an invitation not a summons. It's totally fine not to go if it doesn't work for you. Don't even consider taking your baby along to the event, even if someone else suggests the idea. if you aren't ready to be apart then don't be, and don't go. There will be future child-free events that you can go to when your child is older. There will be other child-friendly events that you can go to with your baby. It's ok to only go to the ones that work for you.

Makeitsoso · 28/03/2022 23:05

I’d politely bow out and send a gift.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 28/03/2022 23:07

It's not worth the hassle or disrupting breastfeeding for (weird to prioritise someone else's party over that imo, per previous comments)

This.

At 4 months my babies were all over the place with bf. Even if they did take a bottle I couldn't guarantee they wouldn't want more than I’d left.

It was such a stress that in the end I thought fuck it and stopped putting pressure on myself. It wasn’t fun having time away from the baby, and i felt far more relaxed once i made that decision.

It’s weird the pressure you get from others to leave you ebf baby, the insistence that you are missing out not leaving the baby. It’s such a short time it really isn’t that important.

As for nursery- once mine was 6 months and starting solids it became much easier, as they could have rice cakes, porridge, toast etc if I wasn’t around. I manage to still bf without using bottles and return to work, by feeding in the evening and bringing back a night feed. It’s common in the us- reverse cycling- as they don’t get mat leave so this is what they do if they want to bf. In the day they had normal meals with an extra dairy snack and milk in a cup at milk time.

Chill and go with what suits you, o/p. It’s only another 8 weeks then things will get easier as they wean.

Hugasauras · 28/03/2022 23:09

If it's stressing you, then don't go. There will be other meals.

We had an antenatal group meal out when DD was around 3 months old. It was only for 2/3 hours, but it actually was lovely to get dressed up a bit and have an evening of adult conversation. And DD was just fine with her dad, although she would happily take a bottle of expressed milk. I think it's nice for them to get time together like that.

But if you're not ready, you're not ready. I wouldn't take the baby as I think it changes the dynamic totally, particularly for an evening meal. Maybe you can do something separately another time?

cigarettesNalcohol · 28/03/2022 23:18

My baby is 4 months and exclusively breastfed. I have zero anxiety about leaving her HOWEVER I would not go to an evening meal at this stage. She does go down well in the evenings but can also need resettling two or three times in the first couples of hours so even though I'm not anxious about leaving her - I wouldn't leave her because most likely she'll need me. The point I'm trying to make is that you are not being unreasonable to just say no, baby is still too dependent on me so I can't leave her in the evenings. Sounds like you're massively trying to please your friend which is nice but it also sounds like this meal out really doesn't work for you and your baby. So just decline. Is this your first baby by any chance ?

Allinhistiming · 28/03/2022 23:43

Would you be able to ask your OH to stay nearby and take baby for a walk in pram or carseat hoping it would have a sleep majority of time you are away? Some babies sleep 2-3 hour stretches at that age. I had one that napped long stretches and one that napped for an hour at a time. I have a 4yo and a 17month old and still very anxious about leaving them.xx

NerrSnerr · 29/03/2022 01:23

When my babies were 4 months I wouldn't have left them for a few hours as it was too much a a stress and hassle. With my eldest I felt like I should be going out and worried about it but with my youngest I didn't.

If you want to try expressing and seeing how that goes then go for it but it's ok not to either.

luxxlisbon · 29/03/2022 09:32

If you aren’t ready for a meal out then don’t go! However I do think you should be more aware that this level of anxiety about leaving the baby with it’s dad for a while isn’t normal.
Have you spoken to your health visitor and about it?
The fact that your husband has only been alone with his child 2 separate times is quite extreme in 4.5 month. If you don’t let him actually parent you will get the the point where he can’t be with the baby alone as he doesn’t know what to do and baby won’t settle for him if it has never had to.
I’m not suggesting going off on a boozy weekend away but maybe maybe steps like have a nap or a bath why your husband brings the baby for a walk and grabs a coffee or something.

Thewindwhispers · 29/03/2022 11:24

I’d just decline the invitation (or ask if your baby can come). I didn’t leave my baby for the first two years, it isn’t something you have to do. It’s up to you.

Spottybluepyjamas · 29/03/2022 11:29

Follow up with your HV ASAP. As you are within a year of having a baby you will be on the priority list to be seen for CBT. Don't take the baby on your night out - but do be aware that it is normal to leave your baby at this age and the longer you don't, the more you reinforce that there's something to be worried about.

It's good to get out by yourself (especially if you want to!) - you're still a person, not just a mother and your DF would probably appreciate the chance to parent by himself while you go out and make the most of your time to yourself

Flittingaboutagain · 29/03/2022 11:33

I wouldn't go. I'm still breastfeeding my eight month old and don't like leaving her so I don't!

beattieedny · 29/03/2022 11:35

I'd decline too. Most babies and mums want / need to be together pretty much all the time in the early stages. People vary of course and I know people who wanted to be away at early age, which is fine, but not for me. Mine were about a year before I could be arsed, let alone want to.

Clymene · 29/03/2022 11:36

@Thewindwhispers

I’d just decline the invitation (or ask if your baby can come). I didn’t leave my baby for the first two years, it isn’t something you have to do. It’s up to you.

DO NOT ASK IF YOU CAN BRING YOUR BABY.

FGS. If the OP doesn't want to leave her baby, that's her prerogative. But she shouldn't put her friend in the awkward situation. The baby is not invited.

20viona · 29/03/2022 11:43

If you're not ready then that's ok just don't go. But the bigger issue here is that you're not comfortable with the baby being with it's own other parent. That's PND talking I'd imagine. I hope you're getting some help with this.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 29/03/2022 11:44

but do be aware that it is normal to leave your baby at this age and the longer you don’t

I disagree. The baby is 4m old and ebf. At this age and stage the baby needs their mum nearby.

I think it’s “normal” only because people tell us we should be leaving young babies. I definitely felt pressured to leave mine, as if it was a problem that I didn’t feel the need, and indicated some sort of MH issue. That I somehow “needed” time away- i didn’t.

As for the longer you leave it- like I said once mine were weaning and didn’t need me nearby constantly leaving was fine. Baby was fine with dad, it wasn’t a problem.

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