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Original poster

Not ready to leave my baby yet but invited somewhere without baby

76 replies

PlantMummy87 · 28/03/2022 22:26

It's my friend's birthday coming up and she has invited me to go for a meal with her and a few other friends which is lovely.

Baby will be 4 months old then. I'm starting to get really worried about the expectation that I should be ready to leave baby at home with her dad by now. I've only been away from baby twice since she was born, once when I had to take our dog to the vets and once when her dad took her for walk on his own. I know I'm currently experiencing some severe post natal anxiety that is mainly around baby's health and leaving her with anyone else and am reaching out to get help from GP and HV now as it is causing a lot of distress to me including panic attacks and distressing intrusive thoughts. Baby is exclusively breastfed and I've also had a lot of anxiety over introducing a bottle.

I initially thought as my friend lives around an hour away, in the same town as my family, that I would go to my family's with my husband and baby and he would look after baby there whilst I was out but wouldn't be too far away if they needed me, with the idea that I'd been able to feed baby before and after the meal without having to worry about the time travelling on top of the time being away at the meal. But it looks like now we will be meeting part way between all the friends invited now so will be in a small village somewhere in a pub or something. So this plan I had doesn't seem like it will work, but I'm not sure what else to do. My husband said that I should ask to bring baby otherwise I probably can't go as I'm guessing meal will be a few hours and then depending on where we meet travel will be around 30-45mins as country roads each way. I really don't want to come across as taking the attention away from my friend as its her birthday and often when you are out with babies people as drawn to baby or talk about them etc. My friend is a mum, but her kids are a bit older and I'm sure she is wanting grown-up time. What would you do in this situation? Thanks ☺️

OP posts:

20viona · 29/03/2022 11:45

Also there is no normal, We left our daughter with my parents at 2 weeks old to go to a party for a few hours and went to Barcelona for 2 nights when she was 3 months old. Doesn't make us bad parents.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/03/2022 11:46

I would go but you're not comfortable doing so, that is all that matters OP. Just decline and dont let it stress you.

Lazypuppy · 29/03/2022 11:48

You either leave the baby with its dad or you don't go.

Honestly at 4 months i don't understand it, but everyone is different. If you want to go start getting dad to do some bottle feeds now, you will have to leave house probably otherwise baby will only want you while he tries to feed, can be formula or expressed. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be for both you and baby when you need to leave them with someone else. A meal sounds great to me as only a few hours max

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Notwithittoday · 29/03/2022 11:53

I’ve been there, still there to some extent but a bit better. It’s so hard.
I wouldn’t go until you feel stronger. It will get easier as the baby gets bigger and your hormones settle.

Lou98 · 29/03/2022 11:55

Personally I was happy leaving my baby at that age but just because I, and others here, were doesn't mean you have to be. Everybody is different and it's natural to be worried about leaving them for the first time.

How soon is the meal though? You say coming up and that baby will be 4 months by then but how old is baby now? Just I found there was a big difference in how I felt when they were 1/2 months and 4 months - you may surprise yourself and feel more ready by then.

I wouldn't personally take the baby to a birthday meal. I have been out with my baby for dinner with friends/family but I probably wouldn't for a birthday dinner when they have kids of their own that they aren't taking, I would assume they want an adults night.
If you don't feel comfortable leaving the baby I think you would be better sitting this one out but as I say if it's still a while away then I would explain to your friend now but wait and see how you feel nearer the time

thesugarbumfairy · 29/03/2022 11:56

You have two options really

leave baby with dad
don't go

Please don't ask to take the baby with you. Its not fair

I would say that its causing you such anxiety that it's just not worth it. Your friend will understand. Just tell her how anxious you are and that you just aren't ready yet. You need to get used to leaving the baby for short periods first, and I don't know when this meal is, but it sounds quite soon.

JenniferBarkley · 29/03/2022 11:56

Both of mine were EBF and never took a bottle. I wouldn't have considered leaving them at that age because it was just not possible logistically. By the time I went back to work they were on solids and water and were absolutely fine without me.

If you want to go, then fantastic. If you don't, don't feel guilty.

RandomQuest · 29/03/2022 11:56

Do not ask to bring the baby.

If it were me I’d be introducing a bottle asap so that I’d have freedom to do things without baby, like this meal, whilst baby is well looked after by their other perfectly, capable patent. But if you don’t want to do that for whatever reason then fine but in that case you decline the invite.

ComDummings · 29/03/2022 11:58

I didn’t want to leave mine at that age. Nothing to do with feeding either, I just didn’t want to. So just don’t go, if anyone doesn’t understand that’s their issue.

Thursday37 · 29/03/2022 12:00

I didn’t leave DD until she was over a year, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s ok to say no.
I took DD everywhere so didn’t miss out on things, she just tagged along. I breastfed to 26 months and never used a bottle of formula or expressed milk as didn’t want to.

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2022 12:02

Either go if you feel able to or don’t, don’t take your baby.
It’s fine if you feel you can’t go but you do need to work on leaving her with another trusted adult for both of you as well as your husband.

SleeplessWB · 29/03/2022 12:05

All the posters saying to introduce a bottle clearly have no idea how difficult this can be with some ebf babies. Dd1 refused to ever take a bottle despite months of trying. O refused to make the same mistake with dd2 so pumped and fed one bottle a day from a few days old. At 12 weeks she suddenly refused the bottle and never took one again. I went back to work when she was 7 months and left a bottle and later a sippy cup for her every day - she never took one drop....

MrsTimRiggins · 29/03/2022 12:08

If you’re really not comfortable to leave baby, then don’t go. Absolutely do not ask if you can bring your baby and make the others feel bad for saying no (or feel awkward enough to say yes, and it change the entire evening!)
FWIW my son is 4.5 months, and I first left him a couple of weeks ago. He would happily take a bottle, which was important to me from the word go, just in case I couldn’t be with him for whatever reason, and I had a good stash of milk in the freezer. I was gone seven hours (getting my hair done!) and him and DH had a really lovely day. It meant the world to my husband, he loved having one on one time, something I have in abundance and he, obviously, has had now just a couple of times.
If I were you, I really would work on trying to leave baby, if you can. Maybe not for this, but for future occasions.

Original poster

PlantMummy87 · 29/03/2022 12:09

Thanks for all the responses, it's good to hear a wide range of what others would/have done. It's obviously such a personal decision and what is right for one person isn't necessarily right for someone else.

I have contacted my friend to say that unfortunately I won't be able to make it this time as I'm not ready to leave baby yet due to the anxiety and that I'd like to take her out to lunch or something else instead which she seems understanding and happy with.

In regards to spending time with her dad, she does spend plenty of time with just him at home like bath time is pretty much always with him, playing, when I have a shower/bath etc. and I'm not stopping him from doing things like taking her out on his own. We only recently (Sunday) spoke about the anxiety I'm feeling, previously he has no idea how much I was struggling with this so I don't think he was not taking her out on his own because of me.

I have considered introducing bottle of expressed milk and have pumped ready for this, but every time I feel like I'm ready to start this I get so worried and can't do it. I have a load of frozen milk in the freezer from this. I feel now it is probably just best to wait until she's weaning instead of introducing a bottle now as we are so close to that, and honestly I was only thinking of introducing a bottle because I felt I had to and felt pressure to.

Thanks for your perspective @BookkeeperBobby that was really helpful to see from your side that I am making progress by trying to come up with a plan to make things work. I've been so stuck in a hole and feel like I'm failing my baby because of the anxiety I hadn't recognised that I'm making some progress.

I do think my anxiety has been especially hard since we caught COVID when she was 2 months old. Little one had to go to hospital for a week on oxygen and with all sorts to help her. I was in hospital on my own with her as my husband couldn't be there too, so maybe that plays into things too.

Hopefully the right support from GP and HV will help me get through this.

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 29/03/2022 12:19

There's no right or wrong here. If it feels too soon to leave baby for a few hours that's fine it's only a meal out. If you feel you need an excuse I'd say you can't be away from baby for so long due to breastfeeding. If they suggest bringing baby then you could consider that.

CottonSock · 29/03/2022 12:23

My 2nd child would never take a bottle so I couldn't leave her till she was almost 1 (she didn't take to solids either!). A good friend will understand that a 4 month old ebf baby is not easy to leave.

autienotnaughty · 29/03/2022 12:23

@Clymene

Don't go and ruin your friend's birthday.

It's good that you're seeking help as this level of anxiety is not healthy nor normal.

Baby is only 4months and exclusively bf. It's perfectly normally to feel anxious about leaving baby. And it's perfectly normal not to feel anxious. Op is right to seek support if she feels she needs it but she shouldn't be made to feel it's wrong to not want to leave her child at such a young age.

Clymene · 29/03/2022 12:33

I was referring to the fact that the OP hasn't let her husband take the baby out more than once @autienotnaughty, not that she doesn't want to go out for dinner. That's fine and perfectly normal.

You're not failing your baby @PlantMummy87 but I'm glad you're going to talk to someone because I think you could be enjoying your baby a lot more. Anxiety is horrible.

AegonT · 29/03/2022 12:51

I wouldn't go. I'd apologise and say I'll be back to evenings out as soon as possible. My babies haven't taken bottles so I haven't been able to go out in the evening till they were going to bed early and sleeping well.

viques · 29/03/2022 12:55

@gamerchick

Don't be that person who asks to take their baby OP. Just duck out. Work on trusting her dad to care for his own bairn. It'll have to happen eventually

Agree with this, excluding your partner from being a responsible career, even at the minimum level of taking the baby out for walks without you is not a positive situation for any of you.

GreenOrangePear · 29/03/2022 13:04

I'm commenting just to say dont feel pressured into leaving your baby or giving her a bottle unless you want to. It's normal to feel anxious about leaving a baby.
Culturally in the UK there is an emphasis on bottles when they are not necessary (unless a mother need to leave her baby regularly e.g. to work)

If you do want to get more confident to leave your baby I'd start small - feed her before you go and pop out for a short walk or go to the local shop. Or get your DH to take her for a walk - something like that.
If you do need to leave her for longer then you don't need to give her milk from a bottle - you could use a cup instead for example.
But leaving will get much easier when she's older and eating solids.

My baby never had a bottle - once he was about 9/10 months I left him more often and he would drink water/eat. When he was younger I only left him for very short periods - he did get upset sometimes but I don't think it was about milk - it was about being close to his safe place...a bottle wouldn't have provided that.

Herejustforthisone · 29/03/2022 13:16

But she’ll be with her father. Do you trust him?

Herejustforthisone · 29/03/2022 13:22

@gamerchick

Don't be that person who asks to take their baby OP. Just duck out. Work on trusting her dad to care for his own bairn. It'll have to happen eventually

I love seeing ‘bairn’. My family are Scottish and Northern Irish and we were all ‘bairns’ and ‘weans’.

GeminiTwin · 29/03/2022 13:42

Not wanting to leave your baby for a dinner so young is normal, but your letting her dad, her other parent, take her out more than once I would say isn't normal.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 29/03/2022 14:00

But she’ll be with her father. Do you trust him?

Fucks sake the baby is exclusively breast fed.

It isn’t about trusting anyone, it’s a baby that relies on it’s mother for food, and can’t go very long before needing more.

4 months is key growth spurt and evening cluster feeding territory.

Doesn’t matter how much she trusts her partner, he can’t produce breast milk.

Why do we expect mothers to leave their young babies and see it as a big positive? Some people enjoy time away, some don’t.

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