Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Husband changed his mind about having kids but baby is already born...

104 replies

GB2206 · 21/03/2022 22:48

My husband has been desperate for kids for years. I kept putting him off cause I wasn't ready yet but i finally decided it was time and we cracked on and now have a beautiful baby boy that's 12 weeks old.

My husband has been really struggling with having a newborn. He hasn't bonded with the baby much at all and actually told me things were so bad for him that he regretted having him when he was only about 2 weeks old. I chalked it up to newborns being a shock to the system and he'll get over it in time.

He's making much more of an effort now to engage with the baby more and is taking in more responsibility with him so I thought things were getting better. Then he tells me last week that he'd actually changed his mind about having a baby when he turned 30 (which was almost 2 years ago) cause he thinks he's too old to have kids now. He did not tell me this and was more than happy to be trying for a baby... he also makes comments about how spending time with the baby is a 'chore' and can't seem to get his head around the fact that anyone would actually enjoy spending time with him. I asked him if he loved his son and he said 'well, I wouldn't want any harm to come to him'.

I mean, what the actual heck?! What am I supposed to do with that?! I feel so betrayed that he's lied to me about wanting kids and now I've brought this beautiful, amazing little human into the world with a dad that doesn't love him and didn't want him. How can I look my son in the eye knowing that his dad feels that way about him? He was so desperate for kids and now that we have one he's hating every second of it. I really don't know what to do, I feel so broken hearted.

Could this be some form of post natal depression? He doesn't seem to think so but I really don't think this is normal and that he needs to try and get some help.

Has anything like this ever happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
jazzibelle · 21/03/2022 22:56

My husband was exactly the same, wanted kids for years and when ours arrived it was such a shock to the system (plus a load of toxic drama from family that made it an awful time for us) that he sounded a bit similar to your husband now.

Honestly, to me, it sounds like your husband is having some post-natal depression. I feel there's not enough awareness or support for PND in dads, but it's very real and heartbreaking to be involved in. You want to support your husband, but also protect your child who right now you feel your husband doesn't love or want.

In our situation, we both had PND and ended up just waiting it out and working through it. It passed pretty quickly thank goodness and he's an amazing dad who loves our child more than anything else on this earth. It's just not instant for some, and that's normal.

Does sound like your husband (and you) could do with some extra support though. Can you take him along to your GP and talk about it together?

Northernlurker · 21/03/2022 22:57

It is normal for parents to struggle to bond. It's taboo to say it but lots will experience it.
I felt I bonded ok with my oldest but when I had her sisters I realised a difference. My mum told me she had the same with my younger sister. It doesn't mean you don't care r don't look after them but some connection takes time to mature.

If, god forbid, you were in a life threatening situation I think you'd find your husband would fight tooth and nail for his son. But that's not where we are. He's struggling with the commitment and yes, that is a form of pond. Would he see the gp do you think? You could talk to your health visitor about this.

Basically I would say ride it out, keep giving him the opportunity to parent, ask for the support you need and wait. Either he'll come out if it or he won't. He doesn't and that's probably the end of your marriage but the greater chance is he'll fall in love with your son.

BuanoKubiamVej · 21/03/2022 23:04

It's not at all unusual and may as pp said be a sign of depression. My DC's dad admitted to me that he felt less love for DC than he did for our cats. But that was a long time ago and they went on to develop a really strong and healthy bond and there's no doubt at all about the love between them now. It's not solely on you to fix this, you must be overwhelmed and exhausted yourself too, but help him to reach out for help and support to get him through this, with antidepressants if necessary, and he will come through in the end.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 3-6 months old Babies & sleep Families
MintJulia · 21/03/2022 23:04

Try not to take what he says now as final.

I know it's hard and your dh is being a complete arse, saying things like that. I think lots of men struggle with a first new born. The reality of 24 hour care, of not being able to carry on with normal socialising, normal income levels, normal sleep, normal intimacy, normal anything ...is a shock to them.

It seems not to have occurred to them that life will change and they will no longer come first in the house, that the baby's needs take priority.As for 'trying for a baby', that just means lots of sex. Hardly a chore.

That doesn't mean they won't love their child and eventually be a good dad. It just takes some people a while longer.

Original poster
GB2206 · 21/03/2022 23:11

There's absolutely no chance he'd go to the GP. He went to the docs with knee pain and they told him there was nothing wrong with him but they're still agony 9 years later so he's never been near a doctor since.

The health visitor is coming in a few weeks time so I think I'll try and speak to my husband about it again and if I'm not getting anywhere then I'll mention to the health visitor.

I don't really like leaving my son alone with him cause I know he's not interested but at the same time, spending time together is probably the only thing that'll have a shot at fixing it. And of course you're right, if my husband doesn't get over it then I guess my marriage is over. I met him what I was 17 and we've been together ever since. I don't know what life is without him. I really hope he gets over it soon, I love him so bloody much but I just can't stand this. I'm so shocked, I always thought he'd be the most amazing dad. He's brilliant with kids but he just hates his own and I don't know how to help him.

OP posts:
Imperfectp3rf3ction · 21/03/2022 23:17

Some fathers don't get that bonding happiness until baby is mobile and babbling and giggling. It could also be a bit of jealousy of your time.

dipdye · 21/03/2022 23:21

He'll be fine when he's around 3 and can take him to the park to kick a ball around. Until then, you're elbow deep in shitty diapers and making up formula.

Charette · 21/03/2022 23:21

OP, I said I regretted it when our ( planned) DS was born, and I kept googling adoption services. When he was about three weeks old, I said ‘I can’t do this’ and got up, dressed and walked out of the house at 3 am. (Turned round and came back at the end of the street.) I think it can actually be worse when you’ve been very happily together for years — the shock is greater, and (for me, anyway), there was a period of mourning the old ‘us’. The three of us are very happy now, and that beautiful baby I wanted to give away is almost ten. Don’t give up on your partner. See if you can get him some support. And get some yourself.

Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 21/03/2022 23:32

Yes. Its at least post natal shock !
My DH was literally crazy CRAZY after DS was born. A week after the baby was born he was standing screaming going " i cant do this im leaving" and yes baby time was a "chore"
Lists, endless lists ,endless repeating myself,endless arguing.
Try to get DH involved with :
Bath time
Book before bed
Baby massage
Picking outifits ( even if they're awful)
Speak to the Health Visitor
Get the nursery nurse out
Theyll all help him bond and be more confident

It tooks months for DH to stop having a meltdown. It was Hellish and he was at times, very horrible and cruel- but i believe he was depressed and already an over anxious person.
He now thinks the baby is wonderful
Hugs, OP.

Thewindwhispers · 21/03/2022 23:35

I think get a therapist involved. If he desperately wanted children and now feels nothing for his son, something isn’t right. My money is on either depression brought on by tiredness, or perhaps issues from his childhood re how his parents treated him.

(That said, DH admitted later that he didn’t feel much for our baby at first, until she was a few months old and more interactive.)

HotPenguin · 21/03/2022 23:52

It does sound like he's depressed and that could explain why he's saying he changed his mind when he was 30. People focus on the negatives when they are depressed. Perhaps he's remembering a few thoughts he had about being too old to be a dad and he's blowing it out of proportion and thinking he never wanted to be a dad.

surreygirl1987 · 21/03/2022 23:55

I felt like this myself when my first child was born. I hated it. I realise now it was PND and it is likely this is the case for your husband too. Go easy - the guilt at how I felt tore me up.

HellToTheNope · 21/03/2022 23:59

Could this be some form of post natal depression?

Men don't get pregnant, so no, they don't suffer from post natal depression.

Princess1Xx · 22/03/2022 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Princess1Xx · 22/03/2022 00:13

Fix*

EthelTheAardvark · 22/03/2022 00:14

told me things were so bad for him that he regretted having him when he was only about 2 weeks old.

Oh, poor love. You were the one who went through everything that is involved in pregnancy and labour, and I'm prepared to bet you did the lion's share for the baby in his first two weeks. Yet he was the one for whom things were "so bad".

Then he tells me last week that he'd actually changed his mind about having a baby when he turned 30 (which was almost 2 years ago) cause he thinks he's too old to have kids now

Too old at 30? He really cannot seriously have believed that. If he did, why didn't he say so before hitting senility on his 30th birthday? How does he imagine all the other post 30 first time mothers and fathers cope?

toomuchlaundry · 22/03/2022 00:22

Funny how most women who have PND have to get on with it still with the baby, even if it just going through the motions. Men with PND or men who don’t bond with the baby straight away are allowed to get away with doing nothing with the baby until they get more interesting

Hshuznw · 22/03/2022 00:48

@toomuchlaundry

Funny how most women who have PND have to get on with it still with the baby, even if it just going through the motions. Men with PND or men who don’t bond with the baby straight away are allowed to get away with doing nothing with the baby until they get more interesting
This. My husband had PND. I let him step back and take his time. It led to him doing absolutely no childcare for the first year and when I finally reached breaking point, he focussed on my lack of communication because I didn’t say I wanted him more involved.

Didn’t realise I had to tell my husband that he needs to be a dad. We’re at crisis point now because of it.

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 02:44

@GB2206

There's absolutely no chance he'd go to the GP. He went to the docs with knee pain and they told him there was nothing wrong with him but they're still agony 9 years later so he's never been near a doctor since.

The health visitor is coming in a few weeks time so I think I'll try and speak to my husband about it again and if I'm not getting anywhere then I'll mention to the health visitor.

I don't really like leaving my son alone with him cause I know he's not interested but at the same time, spending time together is probably the only thing that'll have a shot at fixing it. And of course you're right, if my husband doesn't get over it then I guess my marriage is over. I met him what I was 17 and we've been together ever since. I don't know what life is without him. I really hope he gets over it soon, I love him so bloody much but I just can't stand this. I'm so shocked, I always thought he'd be the most amazing dad. He's brilliant with kids but he just hates his own and I don't know how to help him.

There's absolutely no chance he'd go to the GP. He went to the docs with knee pain and they told him there was nothing wrong with him but they're still agony 9 years later so he's never been near a doctor since.

Then he should have gone again if they were still in agony and PERSISTED! Why didn't he? It makes no sense. You go until the doctor takes it seriously and does a scan or something. You don't just wait 9 years! To be honest he sounds very irresponsible with his own health, I'd worry about his ability to take his son's health seriously. What if for some reason you couldn't take your son to the doctors and he really had to go, would your husband even take him? It worries me that you even tried to have a baby with a man who is this irresponsible with health matters. Did you even think about the logistics of how that would work? I know that doesn't help with the main question but I am staggered he just... gave up getting his knees seen to. If he doesn't get them fixed, they can get worse and his ability to kick a ball with his son or even play with him in any way/mobility will be very limited, further preventing a bond.

He's an irresponsible idiot. Get him to get his knees seen to, even if you both have to go in to see the GP together about it. Because he doesn't want to be in a wheelchair in 10 years time or at the very least, unable to even interact with his son physically due to mobility problems. While you're there, you can discuss with the GP his inability to bond with the baby.

BertieBotts · 22/03/2022 03:07

YY - this attitude drives me mad - well one doctor once dismissed me so therefore all doctors are useless and won't help me - bullshit! Come on. Have a bit of fight for yourself. Seek a second opinion. Avoid the dismissive doctor if you want, fair enough, but writing off an entire profession due to one incident is ridiculous.

Also do not like "PND for men". Of course men can suffer depressive feelings after a major life change, but call it something else. (This is a personal niggle though and really if it gets him help then he can call it whatever he likes but he should at least try.)

DancingBarefootOnIce · 22/03/2022 03:29

Then he tells me last week that he'd actually changed his mind about having a baby when he turned 30 (which was almost 2 years ago) cause he thinks he's too old to have kids now. He did not tell me this and was more than happy to be trying for a baby

I’m doubtful that’s how he felt before having a baby. It just comes across as a way to remove responsibility for choosing to have the child to you. It’s especially dubious as people who really want kids don’t just stop at the age of 30.

Like others say babies especially in the beginning don’t give a lot out but require so much work. He may change his mind when the child is older and he can play games etc. However I’m not sure what that means for your relationship.

mathanxiety · 22/03/2022 03:47

Your H needs to piss or get off the pot.

Tell him it's time to go to the doctor about his knees and get referred for his psychological issues - who puts up with years of knee pain instead of getting a second opinion?

Someone who doesn't want to do housework, or drive, or work, or plan interesting holidays? Or someone who lives so far inside his head or up his own arse that he won't make the effort to stay healthy for the person closest to him.

Did he think the baby would be some sort of entertainment for him? Or someone who would cure his malaise?

mathanxiety · 22/03/2022 03:48

I’m doubtful that’s how he felt before having a baby. It just comes across as a way to remove responsibility for choosing to have the child to you.

This.

Chocolatejus · 22/03/2022 06:06

I totally sympathise, I have been with my husband for nearly 15 years, expected him to be a wonderful father as he is such a wonderful husband and he was awful when my child was born. I suspect he had PND and some PTSD from the birth, I remember him shaking the pram as he marched around a shopping centre trying to stop our 4 week old from crying. He really struggled with the adjustment of being a father and admitted if he knew babies cried this much he would never have had one. My DD is now 3 and he is completely different and has really bonded with her now she can talk and they play together, to the point he has suggested trying for another (he staunchly refused to have another originally). I know it doesn’t help at the moment but it may get better as your baby gets older. I would be reluctant to leave my child with my husband as I didn’t trust he could control his anger, not to mention the number of occasions he had left her in the Bath and walked off when she was just learning to sit up (he really had no clue how to be a parent). I think the sleep deprivation hits them hard and my husband also suffered with some jealousy that the baby was getting all my attention. Good luck, you are still in the fog of the early days Flowers

Moodycow78 · 22/03/2022 06:09

Only women who have given birth get PND but that doesn't mean father's MH can't take a knock when a new baby comes along. He's likely feeling a bit left out of it all and unsure. There's a good chance these feelings will go away as baby gets older and develops their personality. He'll become more involved in time xx