Husband changed his mind about having kids but baby is already born...

[GB2206]

My husband has been desperate for kids for years. I kept putting him off cause I wasn't ready yet but i finally decided it was time and we cracked on and now have a beautiful baby boy that's 12 weeks old.

My husband has been really struggling with having a newborn. He hasn't bonded with the baby much at all and actually told me things were so bad for him that he regretted having him when he was only about 2 weeks old. I chalked it up to newborns being a shock to the system and he'll get over it in time.

He's making much more of an effort now to engage with the baby more and is taking in more responsibility with him so I thought things were getting better. Then he tells me last week that he'd actually changed his mind about having a baby when he turned 30 (which was almost 2 years ago) cause he thinks he's too old to have kids now. He did not tell me this and was more than happy to be trying for a baby... he also makes comments about how spending time with the baby is a 'chore' and can't seem to get his head around the fact that anyone would actually enjoy spending time with him. I asked him if he loved his son and he said 'well, I wouldn't want any harm to come to him'.

I mean, what the actual heck?! What am I supposed to do with that?! I feel so betrayed that he's lied to me about wanting kids and now I've brought this beautiful, amazing little human into the world with a dad that doesn't love him and didn't want him. How can I look my son in the eye knowing that his dad feels that way about him? He was so desperate for kids and now that we have one he's hating every second of it. I really don't know what to do, I feel so broken hearted.

Could this be some form of post natal depression? He doesn't seem to think so but I really don't think this is normal and that he needs to try and get some help.

Has anything like this ever happened to anyone else?

I am shocked by the very unsympathetic comments, if a new mum was struggling, she would be offered support, and rightly so, why should it be any different with a dad?

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The op said there is no way he would seek help, therefore leaving her to deal with her own stress, the needs of a new baby and his stress piled ontop.

He’ll change- don’t worry. My husband use to say the exact same thing about ‘not wanting our kids harmed’ but no other emotion. It got better once baby starts smiling and giving some affection. My husband is now so in love with the kids (I think better with them than I am). It’s completely normal I think especially as at newborn stage the baby only really needs you and dad is superfluous to requirements.

Some of these responses are pure ignorance and some of it is paranoid ignorance at that, no wonder we are such a hateful society with some of the views being like this.

In my experience, lots of parents don't really "bond" with a baby until 6 months or later. My own husband was massively underwhelmed by the baby stage, but is now a much more enthusiastic, energetic, hands-on toddler parent than I am. Give him permission to take the pressure off himself, it will come.

He can take the pressure off himself for not bonding but that doesn’t excuse him from doing his fair share of parenting

Bonding with the baby is one thing. Having to grow up and accept he's not the centre of the universe is another. I think the selflessness that parenthood requires is a real shock to the system for all parents, but especially for men who, let's face it, get their own way in life more than women.

12 weeks might just be the lowest point, from hereon the baby will start smiling and engaging more and that makes everything less of a thankless task.

It’s no surprise most men bottle things up when this is the reaction they face. Some of the comments on here are absolutely awful and I can’t imagine anyone saying that if it was the mum posting about her own feelings.

MANY new mums feel like they’ve made a mistake, feel like they didn’t bond with their baby straight away, feel like they didn’t have this overwhelming love straight away, feel like it’s a relentless chore. But somehow it’s unacceptable because it’s the dad?

OP I felt many of the things your husband felt in the early weeks. Your husbands experience isn’t invalidated because he didn’t give birth.
Try not to make this about you and your feelings, ie you being upset that he hasn’t bonded, you being upset he feels a newborn is a chore.

I don’t think it’s fair that you say you don’t want him to spend time alone with the baby simply because he hasn’t bonded as quickly as you. Nothing you mention implies that he would do anything to harm the baby so just let him get on with his side of parenting in his own way.
Let him come around, obviously while doing his fair share, but without the pressure of having to say how much is loving it all the time.

None of us can predict the future but I think your husbands feelings are a normal part of having a newborn and he will come around as he grows in confidence with the baby.
Many dads in particular find it difficult to bond or properly ‘love’ the baby until they start getting stuff back.

It happens. To men and women. How many threads have there been on here with women saying they regret having children? Loads.

The idea of children is different to the reality and it can be a shock.

That said, in a way, it's tough shit. Once the child is born you have a duty of care. If you need help, get help. someone who is struggling with the reality of taking care of a baby needs help, support and understanding for their sake and for their child's sake. But it's a bit late for an abortion so they have to find a way.through it. Ignoring it shouldn't be an option.

@HellToTheNope

Could this be some form of post natal depression?

Men don't get pregnant, so no, they don't suffer from post natal depression.

Agreed.

He might be depressed due to the change in circumstances. Or he might just be a wanker who wants to pass all the responsibility of childcare on to you.

I did bond quickly with my first baby but still massively regretted becoming a parent for the first few months and wished I could run away. It was just so hard, not yet rewarding enough and not what I expected. I got over it as she became easier and more rewarding. I love parenting now and even felt ready for another (much easier!) baby when she was 5.

I must admit, my first reaction to this was very unsympathetic. I've been thinking about this a lot and I think it's because him being able to check out of parenting is such a male thing to do and even if women feel they need/want to mostly they don't/can't.

It may be that he's depressed or struggling with the changes but I can't get past thinking he's a selfish shit who is being really unkind to his partner.

I'm probably wrong about this though and it's interesting that if this was a mother with PND I would not react the same way and I have very good knowledge and experience around mental health.

He changed his mind TWO YEARS AGO and didn't bother to discuss it went on to have a child he has decided he doesn't want and NOW SUDDENLY it's an issue

He is an arsehole

I think sometimes it’s the shock of a newborn, I genuinely was in shock at the lack of sleep and how hard it was with my first. I do have little patience for men using it as an excuse to back out of parenting though. Is therapy an option, privately? Would he consider speaking to a therapist and bypassing the GP. I know we’re meant to be all sympathetic to ‘postnatal depression’ in men but I really struggle with men like OPs husband. They won’t help themselves and just want to opt out of it all with no consequences.

For your own sanity I would advise just don’t push it / examine it too much at this stage and be patient.

It’s a shock to the system and a different kind of love than your SO has experienced before.

It is likely he will develop /recognise the attachment over time. He needs to stay ‘emotionally’ available for that.

In some cases you need to walk the walk before you can talk the talk.

My DH really struggled with the baby stage but has been great since DC turned 2, once they are little people rather than babies. It was a really tough couple of years for me but much easier now and we are much more equal parents these days

I am sympathetic if he's struggling. But now he has to deal with it. I didn't particularly enjoy the first 4 months of motherhood. I'm not a baby person and DS was not an easy baby. And I did have PND. But you suck it up and get on with it because this tiny little person is depending on you.

And over time, with work and effort, it gets better. And now I have two children who I not only LOVE but also genuinely like and enjoy hanging out with. He can and will get there - if he's willing to put the time and effort in. Absenting himself from parenting though is NOT the answer.

When my eldest was born my DH got shingles within the first month. It was a huge shock to the system.

Agree 100%, @Crazykatie.

This isn't a mental health problem.

It's an immature ego problem. He can't cope with not being the centre of attention. Somewhere deep inside he has this notion that the people around him should be adoring him, taking him into consideration constantly, behaving as if he was special and important, and while a wife or part er will certainly provide some of that, a baby will not because babies are totally wrapped up in themselves, as they should be.

It's a real red flag that you're dealing with someone who is always going to seek adulation in relationships (the kind that dads get from young children when they arrive home, after the kids have spent a day of real life with mean old mum), and I'm surprised at the blithe acceptance here of the idea that it's normal for a grown man to be - let's call it what it is - jealous of the baby and unable to deal with someone who can't meet his ego needs.

Or maybe I'm not so surprised. Women set a very low bar for their male partners' behaviour and are able to explain away all kinds of immature BS.

@luxxlisbon very well put.

Really disturbing to read how little support some women have had from their partners.

I'm solo mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donation) and am doing this entirely alone. Every nappy change, feed, all done by me. And yes I was extremely tired in the first month, but little by little it gets easier . I'm not here to gloat but it reminds me that having a partner doesn't mean they're necessarily effective (neither for the woman nor the baby). Adding stress to the situation of looking after a newborn instead of alleviating it.

Are some men allowed to be like this? It's not good enough that they're 'brilliant' once the child can walk and talk. They should be in it 100% from the beginning.

There is not much to enjoy about tiny babies and maybe he needs to be allowed to not have wonderful warm greetings of love. A baby turns the world upside down. There were days/ nights where I remember wanting to put my first born out of the window!!! Maybe if he was given permission to not be full of warm fuzzy feelings but to just accept that first few months can be hell on earth and it is a case of gritting teeth and getting on with it and then the little personalities start to emerge and it gets more interesting. There is a lot of pressure on parents to feel a certain way which is not same for everyone.

My husband was awful when I was pregnant. Lost all interest, told everyone including my parents that it was my baby, it was to have my name and he wanted nothing to do with it. He refused to come to any scan or ante natal class and then refused to come to the birth. We were VERY close to separating, sleeping in separate rooms and to be honest he was shit for the 1st few months (wouldn’t hold her or do a nappy change etc) but then slowly and steadily, she started to work her magic… Now at 8 months he’s offering to pick her up all the time, even when she doesn’t need it, he’ll do the nappy changes, even the bad ones, he’ll get up to her in the night and take her 1st thing in the morning.and they’ve really bonded. It helps that she’s a complete daddy’s girl and smiles as soon as he comes in the room but if you can bare it, and only if you can bare it, give him a bit longer. Men feel a bit useless and redundant initially, they are scared of messing up and don’t get the bonding we do but as the little ones personality comes through and he can get involved in weaning etc he will do more. My dad told me to give the other half space and time and let him come to parenthood rather than nag him and put parenthood on him and it worked for us but I won’t lie, those 1st 6 months were pretty hard.

Your baby is so young still. For many many parents it's hard to bond at this age because it is all give and no take. Our lives are completely transformed but the baby just poos eats and cries. It's wonderful that you have an amazing bond with your child. I completely understand your emotions and feelings towards your husband, they are fully justified and you have every right to feel this way.
However...
My advice would be to try to give your husband time. Many dads aren't great with the baby stage. And there's no way of knowing until the baby is here. My moneys on him bring the most doting dad in a year or so. He'll look back and never forgive himself for how he's being now.

I'm really shocked by some of the views on here about PND. It can happen to both parents. Both need support. Both are important

Genuine question, how can 'PND' happen to fathers and adoptive parents? I thought it was a specific term for the condition caused by fluctuating hormones in the mother as her body regulates itself post birth.

I get that adoptive parents and fathers can struggle following the arrival of a new baby - but surely this is different from PND?

If I'm correct, I don't think that it is right to say that fathers and adoptive parents suffer from PND. It should have another name, as the underlying causes are different. Happy to be told I'm wrong.

Nothing prepares parents for the reality of a newborn baby.

GB2206 looking after small babies is a chore so your DH has to take his turn with the chores, no excuses, no 'it's not fun'. As with any other chore, it isnt your job to jolly your DH along or just give him the fun bits.

Time to have a sit down conversation with DH (ideally when your son is asleep). He doesnt get to walk away and pretend his son isnt there. He knows how babies are made. He was there. This is something he willingly took part in.

Now he has to face up to the reality, knuckle down, get on with it. As PPs have said, through time, your baby developing etc your DH should start to build a bond.

If he doesnt build that bond then maybe you will split. But.... he has to acknowledge that this is on him.