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Original poster

Husband changed his mind about having kids but baby is already born...

104 replies

GB2206 · 21/03/2022 22:48

My husband has been desperate for kids for years. I kept putting him off cause I wasn't ready yet but i finally decided it was time and we cracked on and now have a beautiful baby boy that's 12 weeks old.

My husband has been really struggling with having a newborn. He hasn't bonded with the baby much at all and actually told me things were so bad for him that he regretted having him when he was only about 2 weeks old. I chalked it up to newborns being a shock to the system and he'll get over it in time.

He's making much more of an effort now to engage with the baby more and is taking in more responsibility with him so I thought things were getting better. Then he tells me last week that he'd actually changed his mind about having a baby when he turned 30 (which was almost 2 years ago) cause he thinks he's too old to have kids now. He did not tell me this and was more than happy to be trying for a baby... he also makes comments about how spending time with the baby is a 'chore' and can't seem to get his head around the fact that anyone would actually enjoy spending time with him. I asked him if he loved his son and he said 'well, I wouldn't want any harm to come to him'.

I mean, what the actual heck?! What am I supposed to do with that?! I feel so betrayed that he's lied to me about wanting kids and now I've brought this beautiful, amazing little human into the world with a dad that doesn't love him and didn't want him. How can I look my son in the eye knowing that his dad feels that way about him? He was so desperate for kids and now that we have one he's hating every second of it. I really don't know what to do, I feel so broken hearted.

Could this be some form of post natal depression? He doesn't seem to think so but I really don't think this is normal and that he needs to try and get some help.

Has anything like this ever happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 23/03/2022 06:45

@EdgeOfACoin

Genuine question, how can 'PND' happen to fathers and adoptive parents? I thought it was a specific term for the condition caused by fluctuating hormones in the mother as her body regulates itself post birth.

I get that adoptive parents and fathers can struggle following the arrival of a new baby - but surely this is different from PND?

If I'm correct, I don't think that it is right to say that fathers and adoptive parents suffer from PND. It should have another name, as the underlying causes are different. Happy to be told I'm wrong.

You're not wrong. But you WILL still be told you’re wrong.
Theala · 23/03/2022 07:25

My DH bonded with DD straight away, but I certainly didn't. I remember planning in detail how I could kill myself but make it look like a terrible accident, just so I wouldn't have to be a mother anymore.
I'm not entirely convinced it was PND in the traditional sense though, more that I couldn't come yo terms with the overwhelming, relentless responsibility of being a parent.
I can see how a man could feel that way too, tbh.

Can you have a talk with him? Tell him it's fine if he feels that way, but at the moment he needs to step up and look after the life he helped create, but if he's still feeling like that in a year's time, you can both reevalute/talk about splitting up? I'm 99% sure he won't want to by then.
But in the meantime, insist that he shoulders his responsibilities equally, whatever he's feeling.

beattieedny · 23/03/2022 07:31

Having a new baby is just graft. Grinding, boring, monotonous graft. Sure, the fact they are adorable makes it bearable, but I hated having new babies. Once they got to four months, it got better. Then six, then a year.... And so on. Your husband is being an arsehole. Its fine not to enjoy it. He wanted this. He doesn't have to like it. If he is miserable, he needs support, but from friends and family. His job is to support you so that you can care for his child. And obviously pitch in where possible. But he is meant to be your rock and it is his responsibility to get himself help so he can do that. He's bloody lucky to have a wife and child!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 3-6 months old Babies & sleep Families
GnomeDePlume · 23/03/2022 07:59

@Theala

My DH bonded with DD straight away, but I certainly didn't. I remember planning in detail how I could kill myself but make it look like a terrible accident, just so I wouldn't have to be a mother anymore. I'm not entirely convinced it was PND in the traditional sense though, more that I couldn't come yo terms with the overwhelming, relentless responsibility of being a parent. I can see how a man could feel that way too, tbh.

Can you have a talk with him? Tell him it's fine if he feels that way, but at the moment he needs to step up and look after the life he helped create, but if he's still feeling like that in a year's time, you can both reevalute/talk about splitting up? I'm 99% sure he won't want to by then.
But in the meantime, insist that he shoulders his responsibilities equally, whatever he's feeling.

100% agree with this. I too struggled to bond with our first DC. Lots of reasons but I think the big issue was that the reality was nothing like how I had thought it would be. For a while I did feel as though I had been lied to.
Cocogreen · 23/03/2022 08:18

First, congrats on your beautiful baby. 3 months olds are lovely.
If your baby was a week or two old I'd be more sympathetic to your husband.
The first baby is really hard, Nothing can prepare you. I remember being so shocked by how much our care free lives had changed and how unrelenting it was.
But 3 months later - your husband is behaving like a selfish, immature teenager.
Are any of his friends fathers or does he have brothers who have children?
Because I'd be inclined to ask one of them to have a chat with him.
You must be so upset and I hope he pulls himself together.

TheBigDilemma · 23/03/2022 08:26

Honestly, he is not mature enough to be a parent, forget about being too old.

He may warm to the baby once baby becomes more interactive but he will also need to adapt to having to consider the baby’s needs first and having less of your attention. Some couples do not survive this transition.

Personally, I would start hoping for the best and planning for the worse. It may be that you both look back at these days and cannot imagine how he behaved like that but it is always good to start a little secret Fund just in case he starts asking you to cover more of the baby expenses as he sees the baby as “yours” or he makes a runner.

Whatever you do, don’t leave your baby alone with him while he is behaving like that, it is not fair but it is safe not to, last thing you need is for him to snap with the baby.

beastlyslumber · 23/03/2022 08:32

@EdgeOfACoin

Genuine question, how can 'PND' happen to fathers and adoptive parents? I thought it was a specific term for the condition caused by fluctuating hormones in the mother as her body regulates itself post birth.

I get that adoptive parents and fathers can struggle following the arrival of a new baby - but surely this is different from PND?

If I'm correct, I don't think that it is right to say that fathers and adoptive parents suffer from PND. It should have another name, as the underlying causes are different. Happy to be told I'm wrong.

You're not wrong, Edge.

Maybe we (as a society/people) were wrong to involve fathers so much in this time. It's a bonding time for mothers and babies and the connection is still so close and physical. What mums really need is everything else doing for them so they can take care of the baby. It used to be that when a baby was born, the house would be full of women, doing what was needed. Now we are so atomised as a society, so isolated, we depend on male partners to do what needs to be done, but many of them don't seem to have it in them.

Sorry, that's a bit off-topic.

MissMaple82 · 23/03/2022 08:37

It's bad and hurtful, but I think some men don't bond properly with them until they become 'proper little people' with a real character and they can talk and do things with them. I think its probably more common than you think. Babies at that age just don't do very much and some men do lack interest. It will change

GnomeDePlume · 23/03/2022 09:08

I think there is a lot of truth in the thought that fathers being closely involved in the care of small babies is a relatively modern phenomenon. I know some men were involved but I would say the majority were not. Paternity leave certainly post dates my DCs being born. In fact a father getting time off to attend the birth was by grace and favour rather than a right.

A father in his early 30s now would have had an early 90s childhood. Things were changing for fathers but I know that my DH was very much an outlier as a SAHP in early 2000s. So it is quite possible OPs DH doesn't really have a clear view of what a father is actually supposed to be for.

mathanxiety · 24/03/2022 03:17

Men don't have to care for the baby.

They just have to cook and clean and make lists for grocery shopping and keep everything ticking over so the mother can rest and recover from childbirth.

In the past, women would rush in to do all of this for relatives or even friends because it was generally believed that it was a terrible thing to make men do all of that, and women had a special compartment of their brains that was suited to housework and men didn't.

mathanxiety · 24/03/2022 03:20

It's bad and hurtful, but I think some men don't bond properly with them until they become 'proper little people' with a real character and they can talk and do things with them.

You mean until they reach the age when they think the sun shines forth from daddy's arse?

Sadly, that phase doesn't last. Men who are like this often have a very hard time when the adoring little acolyte turns into a pre-teen.

mathanxiety · 24/03/2022 03:28

Now at 8 months he’s offering to pick her up all the time, even when she doesn’t need it, he’ll do the nappy changes, even the bad ones, he’ll get up to her in the night and take her 1st thing in the morning.and they’ve really bonded. It helps that she’s a complete daddy’s girl and smiles as soon as he comes in the room but if you can bare it, and only if you can bare it, give him a bit longer.

@AntiStars, the baby has started to fill your immature and frankly downright abusive partner's ego needs.

To blank you as you describe when you were pregnant and giving birth is a horrific example of emotional and psychological abuse. He rejected you because he couldn't stand sharing your attention. It wasn't because he feared making a mistake, or was taking his time accepting he was going to be a father.
Hmm

Has he ever apologised for any of this?

Your dad should have taken him out the back and put the fear of god crossways in him for the way he treated you.

mathanxiety · 24/03/2022 03:29

Now at 8 months he’s offering to pick her up all the time, even when she doesn’t need it, he’ll do the nappy changes, even the bad ones, he’ll get up to her in the night and take her 1st thing in the morning.and they’ve really bonded. It helps that she’s a complete daddy’s girl and smiles as soon as he comes in the room but if you can bare it, and only if you can bare it, give him a bit longer.

Italics fail.

What you wrote is truly shocking.

DancingBarefootOnIce · 24/03/2022 05:11

It’s quite depressing to read about how some women just do the majority of childcare and let partners check out until the child becomes a fun toddler. Yet that’s presented as a success story. I don’t think I could get over my partner behaving like that. I’d resent them.

koalalala · 24/03/2022 05:32

Your husband sounds like he has PND and needs to either see a GP or seek some private therapy.

Pippbean · 24/03/2022 05:54

He definitely needs to get some help from a therapist. If he is reluctant to do this, try telling him to put himself in his sons shoes. Tell him to imagine what it will be like growing up with a dad who doesn't love him, that may focus his mind.
If I was in your situation I would deliver an ultimatum of that if he doesn't take this seriously and get some help that you will both leave. Men often need it spelled out to them!
Also, not going back to a doc because one let him down isn't very sensible. Drs make mistakes, and if he's in that much pain he needs to give one another a chance.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You've been through a lot and you obviously need him on-side and you must feel very let down. Life doesn't half throw these challenges at us and this is a big one.
None of this is your fault and I bet you are a great mum and giving your beautiful boy loads of love.
Good luck 🤞

pistachi0nuts · 24/03/2022 06:22

Hi there, sounds like pnd to me, I recognise a lot of what you are saying because I went through it after I had my baby. My partner and I were in total shock and if I’m honest it’s taken 16 months to finally feel like we are happy again. But, we have grown so much as a couple, we got through the hard times and it is so worth it now. The bond will come eventually, hang on in there. I would suggest he has pnd to him so he feels heard and can do his own research if that’s something he might find hard to talk about.

TracyMosby · 24/03/2022 06:46

@DancingBarefootOnIce

It’s quite depressing to read about how some women just do the majority of childcare and let partners check out until the child becomes a fun toddler. Yet that’s presented as a success story. I don’t think I could get over my partner behaving like that. I’d resent them.
Absolutely. So many women saying do everything until the father finds the child easier and more interesting.
TheWeeDonkey · 24/03/2022 06:49

@EdgeOfACoin

Genuine question, how can 'PND' happen to fathers and adoptive parents? I thought it was a specific term for the condition caused by fluctuating hormones in the mother as her body regulates itself post birth.

I get that adoptive parents and fathers can struggle following the arrival of a new baby - but surely this is different from PND?

If I'm correct, I don't think that it is right to say that fathers and adoptive parents suffer from PND. It should have another name, as the underlying causes are different. Happy to be told I'm wrong.

Yeah, I was wondering that too. I'm sure dad's go through lots of emotions when their baby arrives but and they should seek treatment but it's not the same chemical/hormone imbalance that many women experience after child birth.
ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 24/03/2022 07:37

my partner felt like this but

A) didn’t tell me at the time
B) confided in a sibling instead and talked it through
C) just got on with the work of supporting me and the baby and being a new family

All still very hard but I feel it was a good way to handle it

Chersfrozenface · 24/03/2022 07:38

Those who do not physically give birth can't get post-partum depression. They may get situational depression, also called reactive depression, which is a type of adjustment disorder.

Not being prepared to face the real responsibilities of being a parent isn't the same as depression, though.

Donra · 24/03/2022 07:48

Babies ARE a chore. There’s not much you can do to help him with that. He just has to wade through the shit like everyone else. By about age 3 they become more bearable.

YRGAM · 25/03/2022 12:05

It's very common for men to feel like this. Maybe it would help if he felt less guilty about how he is feeling and just treat the baby like a job or project. The love and bonding will come later, right now it's trench warfare

Anthurium · 25/03/2022 13:28

@DancingBarefootOnIce

It’s quite depressing to read about how some women just do the majority of childcare and let partners check out until the child becomes a fun toddler. Yet that’s presented as a success story. I don’t think I could get over my partner behaving like that. I’d resent them.
@DancingBarefootOnIce

Absolutely. It is really depressing. As as single mother by choice with no partner, this scenario really doesn't make me feel 'envious' of those who have partners who check in and out when they feel like it.