Can’t play with sons because I’m the mum

[FeelingDizzy123]

DS1 and DS2 are still young but my husband keeps making continuous jokes to me about how I can’t play with them and how they won’t want to play with me when they are older because I am a ‘girl’. It is upsetting me. I’m being stupid aren’t I? Or maybe they really will want to play with only Daddy and I will be singled out the whole time and need to learn to live with that?

That's a load of bollocks. They will definitely use each of you for different things, but that is to do with your own personalities, interests, and skills and how that translates into how engaged you are on a topic with them, rather than your chromosomes. They learn who is best for what, but as a PP said, you can absolutely shape that even if it isn't something you would previously have been interested in by getting involved in their activities and interests. I now know an awful lot more about Harry Potter, for instance, than I would ever have deemed necessary or desirable pre-DCs, and I have found a use for the wealth of Pokemon and Nintendo knowledge that I had long ago archived. DH knows little on either topic, but is known as the parent who is willing to hear yet another Rainbow Magic book (amongst many other things!). The DCs know better than to ask me to sit through those!

I would have him demonstrating how good Daddy is at ironing, cooking, cleaning the bathroom, changing the bed and doing laundry for the rest of their lives...
While I built lego and raced cars....

@FeelingDizzy123

Both DS1 and DS2 are both very young still, so he is being generic about car games, ball games, indoor games, outdoor games… whatever boys want to play, games! “They won’t want to play with you because you are a girl and so don’t know how to play cars properly” and so on… random things like that being said very often and I’m just wondering if I should be preparing myself to be left out.

Both your ds might end up not liking stereotypical boy stuff! If this is the case will he be able to play with them?

Jeez how do some blokes find people to have kids with :)

Absolutely. You have no idea where their interests will lie if you allow them scope to expand.
Your DH has quite a limited grasp of what DC will be in to. Mine have had such an array of interests and hobbies and I've really enjoyed helping them pursue them even if often they're not my bag at all. Keeps life interesting. My DD is into just as many quirky things as my DS (DS likes Warhammer AND musical theatre, DD likes Cricket and fashion)

I was thinking this! If we had 2 DD instead of 2 DS does that mean he couldn’t play with them?! Or what happens when DS’s want to buy the doll in the shop window with the pretty hair and take home to do some cooking?! I’m really not ending this here with him.

@FeelingDizzy123

I was thinking this! If we had 2 DD instead of 2 DS does that mean he couldn’t play with them?! Or what happens when DS’s want to buy the doll in the shop window with the pretty hair and take home to do some cooking?! I’m really not ending this here with him.

Good for you! Don't let it go.

If he really cares and doesn't want to be a sexist twat, then pointing out this stuff to him every time he does it until he gets the message might actually result in a man with some awareness of his poor attitudes to women.

If he doesn't want to change, doesn't care if he's sexist and finds you pointing it out annoying, then you have one that won't ever be any different and you need to consider your options.

Only you know which of these is likely.

Lovely to see where they will learn sexism from then!

He sounds insecure. Maybe he feels that you are better than him at the "proper" parenting stuff and so he wants to be good at playing? In any case, it's good you're pulling him up on it because it would really piss me off if my DH said anything like that.

As he's apologetic, it seems like he's reasonable. Perhaps you can gently inquire if he feels confident about other aspects of his own parenting and find out if the root of his silly comments stems from worries about his role as a dad.

Your DH is a twit, but I would be tempted to say..ironing needs to be taught by dad so they see him doing it etc...play him at his own games..
I played with my DS' , my DH wasn't into football, cycling etc..I was..

Wait til the ds's want to play with prams or kitchens. It'll blow his tiny mind!

I think your sons are probably more mature than their father.
When my son was growing up I paid more attention to football (I've always been kind of interested anyway)and by the time he was 10 it was kind of "our thing" to watch top gear and order a pizza on a Sunday night because my husband worked in hospitality , my younger daughter joined us too and knows more than some blokes do about cars. There are loads of other things you can bond over too...nature...take them for walks in the wood and try to spot different things each time. If you have pets they need to know how to look after them and take responsibility. Don't let your idiot husband undermine how important you are and always will be to your sons. He sounds like he was born 50 years too late

Your husband ia being deliberately horrible to you, that’s your biggest problem right there. Your second biggest problem is that he believes sexist nonsense and will fill your sons’ heads with nonsense about what girls can do and what boys can do. Try to nip this in the bud, because it will affect your sons and their future relationships and their children if you don’t..

Anyway to answer your question. Little boys adore their mums, usually more than their dads. This lasts til about age 7-8 when they get much more interested in dad and boy stuff - still love mum lots but she may fade more to the background.

But it depends on who they take after! If you’re musical and you have a musical son, then you’ll have thet in common, etc. If your son loves minigolf and ypu join in, you’ll have more time together than if you don’t bother. The future is something you make not just something that happens to you.

But your biggest problem is your DH.

He’s apologising and saying that he understands where I am coming from

He obviously doesn't understand or the comments would never have occurred to him.

How much more casual misogyny is there in his assumptions and life expectations? Your children will learn these expectations from him, it doesn't have to be overt, they learn a lot from small every day assumptions and behaviours.

"This lasts til about age 7-8 when they get much more interested in dad and boy stuff - still love mum lots but she may fade more to the background." I wish! This never happened with my sons. I'd have quite liked to have had a chance to 'fade into the background' (fuck off down the pub / have a bath) but sadly they always wanted me more.

If I were you I'd be buying them dolls to play with just to piss him off as he sounds like someone who would be devastated if his sons were playing with dolls.
I play all kinds of things with my sons, Lego, games in the garden, play doh, sand. They have also had their nails painted numerous times. The list goes on and I would play with all of these things if I had a girl too!

He's really setting himself up for a lot of extra parental work, isn't he?! Such a shame that your supervision will be woefully dull and inadequate. I hope he doesn't have any hobbies. Or friends. Small sacrifices for nurturing real men though.

Ps my boys and I have much more fun together.

I have 3 sons who I am consciously raising to treat women and men with equal respect. They can kick balls and throw themselves in rivers, they can read books and draw and they can cook, clean up after themselves and put a wash on. You need to challenge the way he speaks to you and his sexist attitude before your sons start to behave like their father.

This needs knocking on the head straight away so your sons don't grow up to be as misogynistic as their father.

@FeelingDizzy123

Both DS1 and DS2 are both very young still, so he is being generic about car games, ball games, indoor games, outdoor games… whatever boys want to play, games! “They won’t want to play with you because you are a girl and so don’t know how to play cars properly” and so on… random things like that being said very often and I’m just wondering if I should be preparing myself to be left out.

So a misogynistic stereotype believing dinosaur? Lucky you.

@FeelingDizzy123

I was thinking this! If we had 2 DD instead of 2 DS does that mean he couldn’t play with them?! Or what happens when DS’s want to buy the doll in the shop window with the pretty hair and take home to do some cooking?! I’m really not ending this here with him.

Good, because he sounds like a right idiot.

How does he treat you? Are you expected to clean, cook etc?

My 4yo DS still loves playing with me. I think me and DH bring different skills to the play table as it were, so whilst I might not like the more rough and tumble side of play me and DS play lego, colouring, baking and doing nature-y stuff together. I don't do anything with him that I won't be doing with his baby sister in a few years time and I'm sure DH feels the same. Your DH sounds like he maybe fancies himself as a bit of a joker. Does he like to say things to you just to wind you up?

You dh is an idiot. Well done for telling him how you feel. It isn't true there isn't a game he can play that you can't.

With such fixed, bossy, narrow-minded attitudes about his children's development and interests, he's quite likely to alienate himself from them, as they grow older.