Do your children play on their own? Mine do not - aged 5 and 3 - and it is really beginning to get on my nerves.

[Oliveoil]

Constant, CONSTANT mithering and pestering

they have tons of toys, get lots of attention but I do not want to play with them all the feckin time

how can I get them to feck off and play on their own?

They follow me around when I am trying to get stuff done, when I am trying to have a conversation with dh - even when I bellow I AM TALKING!!!! they just wait 2 seconds and then say mummmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

please help before I buy myself a shed with a lock on the door

Mine are 5 and 3 and they play on their own all the time.

Except when daddy's around then they always want to play with him.

Maybe they think you're fun, oliveoil.

I'm far too lazy to play with my kids - DD2 plays quite happily by herself occasionally giving my leg a hug and demanding choclat or she follows DD1 around if she's at home and bothers her.

win win all round I feel.

I do take DD2 swimming, to M&T and to jojingles which I feel lets me off everything else.

I had to nip off to take DD to a museum (weekend plan of attack - spend all day doing something outside of the home. I have annual membership to everything in Sydney).

I was hoping to come back to a solution, and apart from the tip of 'being more mean', it seems there are two camps here - children who can occupy themselves and those that can't.

I think with DD it's pretty much down to the fact that she hates being on her own. Even as a baby she'd scream if I left the room. She was doing it from 1 day old and I had her in a sling on me for months. So she's ok at pre-school as she has friends there to play with and she's ok if she has a playdate here. It's all about the attention.

Short of having another child I don't see a solution (hmmm adoption? DD is 5 so think I've missed the boat here). Needless to say, bedtimes are strict, not least because she gets up at 5.30am and of course I have to get up because the whole problem here is that she cannot play by herself. If she's in bed with me though, she'll sleep until 7am - because she's not alone. This doesn't please DP, so I either get up at 5.30 or have a sulky DP. And so the problems build up.....

Well Olive i truly sympthanise (Sp)with you, i have 3 and they can not play together at all for more than 5 mins with blood spilling. Which means that i always have at least one clinging to me. We have big open plan downstairs and i could be in kitchen getting tea so they can see me and they can't even play with playdough without shouting to me to come and help them. I really despair and often nip to the toilet for 5 mins peace and quiet but oh no youngest will follow me in.

Am often to be found counting the mins till bed time and then i have peace and quiet.

Keep hoping they will grow out of it.

Arfishy, Acinonyx & many, many more, you have my life. DS can't be left for a moment, day or night. Wakes at 5.30 (after sleeping next to me - has now learnt to leave his bed and arrive in mine silently in the night...). Wants to watch a Thomas DVD, but only from my lap. Screams like being murdered if I leave the room for a second. I have the cup of tea rule. I don't MOVE off the sofa if I have a cup of tea, despite hand pulling and crys of 'me, me, me' (hes not quite 2 yet, so not that articulate!). He just wants me there all the time. Tiring, isn't it?

"The upside is we are never short of cuddles in this household. Their need for parental attention and affection is insatiable, if you go for this sort of thing. I personally quite like my own company. "

Quote of the week blueshoes

Well my DSes are now 9 (almost 10) and 7 (8 on Tuesday) and they are unbelievable. They ahve got worse as they got older. I went for a lie down before tea, my Fibro was bad and all iw anted was 10 minutes for teh painkillers to kick in. The DSes were in the living room when I told DH I was going to lie down. I was in teh bed about 2 minutes when they appeared. if I'm on teh phone DS1 jumps upa nd down beside me "Is it granny? Can I speak to granny why can't I speak to granny" If I'm on teh PC (like now) they come and they hover and want to sit on my knee, or wnat me to play a game with them. DS2 is especially bad ATM, and he generally has more of an imagination when it comes to playing

This thread has made me appreciate my ds, he is generally good at enternaining himself and happily plays alone.
I do know how you feel though as have a mindee like this who has totally worn me out aged 3. I swear it is due to her I have lost weight! As she is not my own I feel obliged but god it is exhausting and both emotionally and physically draining!

My eldest 2 (nearly 10yr, and 8yr) are really good, my ds who is 4 at the end of the month, is not so good at entertaining himself, dd3 is only 10mths (so just throw a load of in the playpen at let her get on with it). I tend to get ds to 'help' me, i give him a cloth to dust with or even give him the hoover, and let him loose in the kitchen, house work done without much hassle.

OO, Greenglass, Acinonyx (as in Cheetahs? Please give gory details) - I think we need our own support thread with cunning plans for occupying serial mummy-needers.

DD (5) excelled herself tonight when I left her alone in the bathroom to clean her teeth (I was getting pyjamas). 10 seconds after I left the room I heard her wailing. I went back into the bathroom and discovered that she was hysterical because she didn't want to be alone when I died. It took 30 minutes to calm her down. I have no idea where she's got this whole death thing from.

OH God, this is peeing me off too!
Yesterday I really thought about going back to work full time, because the boys were draining the life force out of me!
DS1 is 3,75 and DS2 is 21mths, the youngest will play well but at the moment keeps saying "Cuddle Mommy" and wanting me to hold him all the time (I liquidised up the bloody soup whilst holding him). DS1 will not play by himself and I get so annoyed. I plan what toys to set up the night before and really try to engage them so they can play well by themselves, which DS2 will do when DS1 is at preschool but when they are together, no chance!

I feel your pain and am peed off mightily myself. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that Preschool starts next week so 2 1/2 hrs a day will be OK.

Cheetah indeed. Has morphed from another name which stemmed from me being a sort of biologist. I love biological latin.

I feel guilty that I need my 3 days/week work/nursery but I think this is a large part of the reason. I think it's partly down to my parenting and partly dd's temperament. I treated my time at home with dd as a job - I was staying home to be with her - not to do housework or anything else. So I never expected her to be alone and - voila - now I have a velcro toddler.

As a pp said - routine has been my one solution. The only time dd plays alone is while I shower and get ready in the moring - because we have a standard routine for that every day. I really need another one for cooking - that's a nightmare.

Surely there must be SOME element of learned behaviour though, if they play independently at nursery.

I have been quite CONSCIOUS about encouraging independent play from as soon as they can sit up, because it is something I am very keen on, because to be blunt I hate playing with children. It bores me rigid.

I LOVE watching them play. That's lovely. I gave at them and shout adoring comments whlie I drink my tea or hoover.

I think actually I have ALWAYS given them the choice of (a) do something boring with mummy or (b) do something interesting by themselves. I am really happy for them to "help me" ("Oh shall I read you something from my newspaper? No? Oh well I'm sorry but that's what I'm doing at the moment" or "Oh lovely, are you going to help me dry the floors / dry the dishes? No? Oh well I've got to do that, sorry darling. You could play yourself?") I have consistently been Dull, Lazy and Useless.

I do have lots of enjoyable positive times with them OBVIOUSLY but generally these times centre around CONVERSATION - I am happy to talk to them for hours but they can get their own drinks/toys/jigsaws/lost bears, thanks.

Why not play games with them that you want to play? It's much more fun then. The things I like to do that are not too boring include

Harry Potter Scene it (Tis fab)
Chess
Monopoly (the junior one for the 3yo)
Cluedo
Hide and seek
Kiteflying
Baking
Making dinner (if the food is dull then THEY get bored first and wander off)

If you agree to play some/all of these during Mummy playtime they get the picture that they have to leave you alone.

Especially if you put a lock on the study door.

Morningpaper, with regard to Learned Behaviour, your training program will not work for children for whom their parents are the end all and be all of their existence. Mine are like rottweillers. Would rather sit around whining and/or tantruming if I don't do what they want, rather than find a non-interactive mummy boring and slink off to do their own thing.

Morningpaper's strategy: "I am really happy for them to "help me" ("Oh shall I read you something from my newspaper? No? Oh well I'm sorry but that's what I'm doing at the moment" or "Oh lovely, are you going to help me dry the floors / dry the dishes? No? Oh well I've got to do that, sorry darling."

blueshoes' dd: "mummeeeeeee, I want you to play Guess Who with me, come now!"

Blueshoes: "No, I am busy, you can wait here quietly while I dry dishes or go play with ds".

"Mummeeeee, I need to go to the toilet, my wee is coming out!!"

"You can go yourself, you know how to do it (she does it at school"

"No mummeeeeeee, I want you to watch me. Carry me upstairs. It's coming out, NOWWWWWWW. I am going to wet myself"

and so on and so forth.

How can I work with this din? It is all out tantrums if I throw dd out of the kitchen and close the door. And have done that many times before. It is her persistent personality and extroverted nature.

I'm sorry but I don't really get blueshoes stance on this.
You work part ime but them are in full tim chuldcare so you can get jobs done. They want you all weekend because they don't see you in the week. Why do you need to do chores at the weekend too? Why don't you and dh just take them out togther instead of one of you taking them out whilst the other has lunch? Don't you all eat together at weekends.
I honestly can't stand the being followed thing all the time either but if it was just for 2 days a week instead of 7, and I had free time without them in the week, I think I could stand it tbh

i have just read the thread, and as someone who suffers from depression and have a 5yr old just like your two, i completely understand. Its truly exhausting, cos you love them and want them to be happy, but also want them to be independent in coping to be alone and doing things by themselves. My son is constantly telling me he is bored. He is ONLY happy when he has a play date or we are out or there are people in the house...which sadly isnt often. But the best cure someone told me is to have a jammed packed weekly activity for them and that does tire them out, and hopefully weekend you do one thing with them, ie swimming,baking,dress up,cinema park etc and the rest of day invovles a choice of theirs. I have incorporated DVD night... it doesnt always have to be a childrens one. As i find my son loves watching grown up movies too. And allow the genre to change from time to time... this allows him to understand different emotions in films. He likes comdeies best. However, your child may like horror, sci fi. Im NOT saying make him watch films that'll give him nightmares, but as you watch it, discuss it after. He/she might be interested in knowning its all special effects etc. And also let them choose the day. This way they look forward to that one night when you choose a dvd together, make pop corn and that time is just for the both of you. Its tiring esp when you have other things to do, but i can assure you it works and it helps. I know we are around and they can see us, but most times we are so busy... im a single mum so im speaking from experience. But ive noticed that when i take out 30mins of my time from what im doing, and go to his room and just chill in there, ask him loads of questions and play with him...this helps. Its NOT easy as not each day is the same, esp with depression. But if i can do it so can you. Big hugs and i totally understand.
On a different note, just close your eyes for a few minutes and imagine them NOT being there, bugging, smothering, ranting... sounds good right..but for how long?? I just say enjoy it, every moment because you dont know when its your last.

Love n hugs
Jewel
xxxx

ps Give a little and take a little. Demand 'me' 'us' and 'their' time. Its a struggle at first but does work if carried out.

Hmm Blueshoes, I agree it is difficult although I do also see dooley's point about you only seeing them at weekends.

I can't take mine to the toilet a lot of the time as I have a bad back which is fine 80% of the time but paralysing 20% of the time, so they know they just have to do it together, there is no choice.

But I try to make it EXCITING so I will say "Oh my goodness can you do it before I count to 20?"

In the early days I would have added a chocolate button bribe if they won the challenge.

Hi dooley1, my weekday arrangement only gives me 1.5 hours alone a day. My children can go to bed as late as 9 pm and ds wakes all night long. Their persistent behaviour extends to not wanting to go to bed unless they are dog tired.

How can you say that there are no chores over the weekend. Dh and I do cooking for the week (3+ hours total), there is laundry + bills and admin to do as well. Apart from the birthday parties (dd 4 is too young to be left alone and the parents expect one of us there) and the general social whirl.

Of course, we do a lot of things together as a family on weekends, even eat together. But it happens that because my dcs are what they are, we also have to tag parent for the times when one of us needs to get on with chores or work.

Yes, I do enjoy my time with them. But it is when there are times when I need to do things for myself (like cook for the family) that I ask for a little respite which I don't get without dh shielding me.

I can stand it, of course. God forbid, I even enjoy playing with them at other times. I am just explaining how different it is if children can't play by themselves in how parents have to structure their day.

Are your children both NT blueshoes? If you were a single parent, how would you eat if you can't cook? What would happen if you just cooked? Can't they help you do your chores, or do you just prefer to do them without help? It all sounds utterly miserable.

My two DDs are quite good at entertaining each other.
Eldest 5yrs is obsessed! with The Lion King and every waking moment she re-enacts scenes from the film with her little sister aged 3yrs.
Quite good little actresses really.
Otherwise they pretend to be cats or dogs and one is the animal and the other the owner.
But you've guessed it...they are going through the knees of their tights and trousers faster than you can say "Get up off your knees!".
I must say it a hundred times a day.
AB

Hi Sorry was being a bit nosey with my post I guess!

I thought when you said you work part time and they are in full time childcare that you had a couple of days child free a week.

the staying up until 9pm and not sleeping sounds a nightmare and because of that you can't do laundry, admin, cooking for the week when they are in bed.

It's not easy this parenting lark is it?!!

I only do housework and laundry and chores during the day time

I'd rather do those things with children screaming than do them in 'my own time'

The things we've done to cut down chores at the weekend are:

we never ever iron, clothes like shirts come straight out of the washing machine on to hangers where they dry in the airing cupbaord (so laudry is just filling, emptying washing machine and dryer)

I can't imagine what you are cooking to take 3+ hours at the weekend. Do you mean batch cooking for the freezer?

Shopping - online shopping

Hi dooley1, no worries I guess I sounded a little touchy.

morningpaper, yes they are NT (it goes without saying my experience is a drop in the ocean of what parents of SN children have to cope with on a daily basis). I don't know how I would cope as a single parent. It is full on for both dh and I 7 days a week. The alternative if I had to do it alone is to let them cry and cry and cry. A lot like sleep training - you do it if you cannot cope or have no choice. But since I can cope, just about, I don't force the issue (the operative word for these limpets is "force").

You know those threads about babies that can't settle, won't be put down, won't let you out of their sight etc, well those were my dcs as babies and my dd is now older at 4 and this is the pre-school equivalent.