Should a 6 month-old be requiring 24h attention?

[wednesdaychild80]

For over a month now my 6 month-old baby boy has been unable to be alone for more than 5min (10 if I'm lucky) without starting to scream. It doesn't even look like crying. Starts as groaning, then slowly builds to insane screaming.

When we play with him, or give him direct attention, he's fine and all giggly. He sleeps enough, but scattered. Feeding has been a struggle too, but mostly he behaves.

This is my first baby. I knew a baby would demand a lot of time, but I wasn't expecting I'd need to be (literally) 24h tending to him directly. Is this normal? If not, how to deal with it? My pediatrician just says it's normal, and that he's healthy.

When he was younger he did scream sometimes, but most of the time he'd just be lying/sitting quietly, or just doing cute baby sounds.

[quote Caspianberg]@NoSquirrels - that isn’t possible though. Mine is almost 2 and still the same. He naps maybe 1hr on the move in pram, so can’t get stuff done. And takes 1-2hrs to sleep at night, so it’s 9pm or later ( he’s at the stage where he climbs out of cot and stair gate so can’t just leave him).
So ‘stuff’ has to be done with him about, using causing chaos, or screaming[/quote]
Yes, by 2 obviously you’re increasing the tolerance of screaming vs attention - I had DC2 by then so DC1 definitely screamed, caused chaos and was ignored a lot more!

But at 6 months, and assuming OP is on maternity leave atm, you can save the laptop etc. Sometimes it’s about adjusting your own expectations, that’s what I was getting at.

Some screaming is unavoidable. But generally everyone will be happier if you can keep it to unavoidable not “wish it was possible to…”

Parenthood is a mighty adjustment that’s for sure.

@NoSquirrels - maybe sometimes. But at 6months I definitely had stuff to do. Middle of renovations delayed by covid, B and B to run alone ( again due to covid). Ds hated being put down for even 2 mins. So had to live in sling, or go on the floor 30 seconds and scream his head of until he turned blue. Ds was also a terrible sleeper, awake every hour and bad napper, so suggesting someone saves all that until 9/10/11pm at night instead of going to bed is madness.

Yes you can adjust expectations, but life goes on and stuff has to be done. When others have a baby that can be put down 15 mins to play 1m away whilst you load dishwasher and make lunch, it’s far far easier that trying to do that whilst baby is turning blue from screaming.

Well, when you say you don't give him sugar, I assume you mean added sugar. I expect that you give him things like fruit and carrots and bread. Those foods have sugar, but you're right it would be totally inappropriate to feed him chocolate or sweets.

Screen time is a bit like this for me. It doesn't make sense to treat it as a poison and actively avoid it. If a baby gets some incidental screen time like being in the room while I or older sibling watch TV, then fine. If we choose to zoom call grandma who lives in another country, great. But I wouldn't actively choose screen time as an activity yet, that to me would be similar in the analogy to giving chocolate. Which you do, in moderation, when they get bigger.

Totally avoiding the baby ever seeing a screen is a bit too much IMO, it would be like saying oh no, you can't have a banana because it has sugar in it.

But everyone will have different needs and I don't think small amounts of TV even at a young age is likely to harm a baby, just if you wanted to compare restricting sugar and screens, that's all I meant there.

Haven’t RTFT but just checking in to say mine was exactly like this and as far as I know its completely within the spectrum of normal baby behaviour. DS needed vast amounts of varying stimulation to be happy from a couple of weeks old. It was absolutely exhausting and soul destroying. He’d moan and whinge before rapidly progressing to screaming and crying if he wasn’t being entertained the whole time he was awake. I laugh hollowly when I see people saying on here that babies should be entertained by shadows, or the passing clouds in the sky or the washing machine…sweeping generalisations that make parents of babies that fit the ‘high needs’ criteria feel like they are failing.

I have to say his whole first year was a massive slog. But he’s 21 months now and it’s a lot better. It got so so much better when he could walk and take himself to the action He still wants someone ‘playing’ with him all the time, but it is definitely now 2 way play, not the permanent need for one way entertainment. He likes to ‘help’ with housework now which has made life so much easier. This time a year ago he’d just scream if I tried to hang washing out with him sat on the floor!

My two main survival tips would be book in to baby groups/swimming/whatever you can find to try and max out his need for stimulation. My other tip would be invest in a good sling and wear him forward facing - my DS adored this outside and would occasionally tolerate me doing the odd job inside like this!

Good luck and know that it will get easier eventually

Ahhh I feel exhausted just remembering this stage. Yeah some babies (and toddlers and little kids) are only happy if they have 100% of your attention 100% of the time. My DD still has those tendancies and she's 9 now.

You mention "laptop work"? Yeah, absolutely no way I'd have attempted sitting down for a task that lasted more than 5 minutes with a 6 month old! And personally I think letting them scream to the point you have headaches is worse then jumperoo or screen time or saving laptop work for after bedtime. Babies are a pain!

Sorry, my 23mo still can't play alone and I have to literally be sat on the floor with him engaged or he gets all annoyed and will find me and jabber me until I give in lol. It's exhausting. Sometimes he can be distracted but it doesn't last long. We don't have a tv/screen but I can see how it would help. But as hes gotten older it's nicer in that he can communicate more so it's abit more fun. I think some kids are just high maintenance!

@Svara

Have you only tried one type of sling or position? DS hated lying down from newborn age, I had him upright in a stretchy wrap for 6 months, then sitting in a ring sling on my hip or on my back. He could see what was going on.

Good one! I didn't explore many variations. Will see if I find something he likes.

I just don't think it can be anything facing forward, as most of my activities will be either doing some cooking (light, but still not so safe to have him facing the ingredients/utensils) or working on laptop (don't want him hours starting at screen).

Why would you be working with him
attached to you?

He doesn't have to face outwards in the sling but it's not ideal to have him attached to you whilst you're cooking, either....

You've had sone pretty good and very normal suggestions from mums of 1/2/3+ kids who have been doing it longer than you - I'd go with them. A jumperoo / bouncer isn't going to hurt him one bit, and neither is 10 mins of TV a few times a day. There's baby sensory videos on YouTube - Hey Bear I think it's called, that have good repetitive colours and nice music.

Don't overthink it. You will be fine.

[quote MattHancocksPrivateNurse]@wednesdaychild80 you can read all the guidelines and tie yourself in knots and be incredibly unhappy following guidelines strictly (eg breastfeeding exclusively, no co sleeping, no screens, no jumperoo or walkers, baby led weaning etc) or you can take a pragmatic approach and do what works for you and is safe. Use of jumperoo for short periods will not harm us development as will use of screens for short periods of time. I would argue having to be constantly entertained by an exhausted mother who hasn’t had a hot cup of coffee all day and will therefore be snappy and knackered (I speak from experience!) would be worse for him!![/quote]
"I would argue having to be constantly entertained by an exhausted mother who hasn’t had a hot cup of coffee all day and will therefore be snappy and knackered (I speak from experience!) would be worse for him!!"

Well put! I'm definitely not too strict about things. My question was really just about understanding if my baby is supposed to be able to be by himself for more than 5-10min at 6mo. And apparently the overwhelming answer is: usually no!

Agree!

What I meant is I avoid. For example, if I have him on my arms trying to rock him to sleep, checking out news on my phone. If I notice he'll turn his head to face the screen, I tilt it down so he doesn't see it and get distracted. Or if we're going to watch a movie, we position him facing us, rather than the movie.

We do video calls often with his grandparents.

@lookingforjobinspiration

Why would you be working with him attached to you?

He doesn't have to face outwards in the sling but it's not ideal to have him attached to you whilst you're cooking, either....

You've had sone pretty good and very normal suggestions from mums of 1/2/3+ kids who have been doing it longer than you - I'd go with them. A jumperoo / bouncer isn't going to hurt him one bit, and neither is 10 mins of TV a few times a day. There's baby sensory videos on YouTube - Hey Bear I think it's called, that have good repetitive colours and nice music.

Don't overthink it. You will be fine.

I play with him a lot during the day. At least a couple hours. I just thought that the remaining waking hours he would be able to self-soothe, while I do some focused work. From this thread I can see I was VERY naive! :D

To everyone, one more time, thank you so much!

I've known about mumsnet for as long as I can remember, and often found useful things here while googling solutions for random household stuff.

Now I'm finally a mum myself, created an account and I get this amazing help, advice and support.

I really wouldn't want to use tv (or tablet) to distract him... I even avoid letting him see the screen of our mobiles and laptops.

This won't last

…working on laptop (don't want him hours starting at screen)

To be honest, I’m not actually sure your baby is that high needs. I don’t think any 6 month old could be expected to entertain themselves for hours while their parents worked. A lot of 6 year olds couldn’t. If you need to work during the day you’d be better trying to find childcare. W.r.t the cooking, we used to batch cook when both of us (DH and I) were around and then it was just a case of bunging something in the oven/microwave. Now DS naps independently (as opposed attached to me…) I do a lot of cooking while he is asleep.

This is COMPLETELY normal! He is so little and won't understand that when you leave the room, you've just left the room. He will think your gone and won't understand that you're coming back.
This is separation anxiety. Lots of reassurance, go into the next room and get him a snack / water and keep talking so he can hear you in the next room. Increase this time gradually over a few weeks.
Maybe put him in his cot with a toy he loves and a book to hold. Never a tablet, he's only 6 months old, plenty of time for that!

My eldest was the same. Basically you are your baby's favorite toy at that age!
Have you tried a door bouncer? Mine loved this and it helped to tire her out a bit.
She is now 8 and has just never been into toys. Would much rather read or do arts/crafts.

You turn him away while you watch a movie together? I feel like a horrible mum now 😂 while I was off work after youngest dd was born and big ones were at nursery/school, we worked our way through loads of box sets. Rewatched Buffy, loads of crime procedurals etc. Then when she was old enough she loved her little chill out time in the bouncer watching Arthur or Rugrats on YouTube while I got to brush my hair and have a sandwich. It doesn’t seem to have damped her love for books at all, or somehow ruined her mind although she still loves a bit of good telly.

My boy (now 18mo) is a stage 5 clinger. He would always start moaning if I wasn't there (although I could leave him with my husband for a couple of hrs and my MIL for maybe 10mins). He would just get really upset.
He is 18mo now and is still pretty clingy. He likes playing with toys but will follow me into whatever room I'm in. Drags me around by the hand.

He had a really tough time starting at nursery at 12mo. Took about 6 months for him to settle and enjoy it.

If you feel comfortable you could look at getting a babysitter for an hr or two a week so they get used to someone else and get lots of attention. I started doing that at 10mo with my son but wish I'd started earlier.
Xx

I used a sling on my back so I could do things like cooking.

I'd say it's reasonable to expect him to be able to entertain himself (whether on the floor with toys or in a jumperoo) for 10/15/20 minutes. I would often sit on the floor and read a book or magazine for example while my babies played around me.

I wouldn't pick them up or start entertaining at the first whinge. But you do need to be in the same room.

Doing an online food shop while they play at your feet is achievable with occasional interaction. Sitting at your desk and doing work while your baby is awake without any childcare isn't really.