Parenting trends you dislike?

[Avreil]

I would say ones that pass their experiences from childhood onto their children.

YYY Alice and pregnant

I can see how this happened - if you look at the original gentle parenting (or unnamed but alternative-to-reward-and-punishment methods) materials you find that they are aimed at parents who find themselves too harsh or feel they are trying to control their children too much or the control they are attempting to impose doesn't work (generally because of special needs or trauma). So much of the written information is about how to control less, how to back off, how to give the child back control, and it works pretty well in that context.

Apparently if you look at parents in general, most of us will lean either a bit too strict/controlling or a bit too permissive/pushover when we are under stress, and it goes about 90% towards too strict and 10% towards too permissive.

Then gentle parenting approaches became mainstream. The 10% (or whatever) of us who tend to lean a bit too permissive saw all of this "stop shouting/arguing with your child" "have fewer battles" "have a harmonious home without punishment" and we go OMG, really? I don't have to do those things? We go, we consume the information. Here starts the problem.

If you already have lax boundaries you do not need to back off more and give your child more control. In fact you need advice on how to do the opposite, you need more permission to set boundaries for reasons that feel arbitrary or unfair to you. The problem is that the vast majority of gentle parenting resources don't have this information because the assumption is that you're starting out with too many and too tight boundaries and you need to loosen them and lighten up a bit. So you end up in a quandary because you're trying all the gentle parenting techniques and some of them work, but you also find yourself completely losing it and being very ungentle (or just incredibly stressed) regularly, and then you feel embarrassed to ask for help because you think that you losing it is the problem and you just need to do gentle parenting better and it will get better, but you can't and you end up in a vicious cycle. (Actually if you're losing it a lot, it's just a sign you just need to have more boundaries and tighter boundaries. You can continue to do gentle parenting, it works absolutely fine.)

It's taken decades but there are finally some resources out there now that combine boundary setting with a non-punitive approach, although they are still really hard to find. The problem I always found was that every resource about how to set boundaries is based on an idea that boundaries are enforced with a clear structure of warnings and punishment, and that always made me feel conflicted because I had read so much (that I agreed with) about how punishment isn't the most effective way to teach things and can be harmful. So I never really stuck with it long enough to understand the helpful parts which are that boundaries are enforced with communication (which may include but is not necessarily warning of dire consequences!) and action (which could be punitive or might not be) and about where and when it's useful to draw one. Just that small difference and it clicked for me.

@Moonface123

Expecting little boys to sit quiet, just like the girls, and judging them when they don' t, boys have tons more energy.

Erm wtf I was enjoying this thread until i got to this massively sexist gem!

@Moonface123

Expecting little boys to sit quiet, just like the girls, and judging them when they don' t, boys have tons more energy.

Oh, so you're one of those 'boys will be boys' parents Read back what you've just written Fucking nonsensical What you really mean is you hold boys to a different standard, girls should be kind and sweet, boys can be rough and obnoxious Fucks me off

The one where parents judge other parent's parenting with no real insight or interest into their individual circumstances

I.e this whole stupid thread

I try not to judge other peoples parenting too much, because obviously nobody’s perfect and I like to think that we’re all doing our best, but some things do get on my nerves in a general sense.

The first one is being firmly set in a parenting “style”. If I had to pick one, I guess my parenting is closest to “gentle parenting”/“authoritative (not authoritarian) parenting”, but I’m simply incapable of viewing everything through that lens. I think you need to be able to be flexible with your parenting, and not overly married to an ideal.

The other one though, is harder to describe. I guess I’d call it extreme permissiveness bordering on neglect. The idea that your kid automatically knows what’s best for them. I saw a program on Channel 4 (I think) a while ago that was about different extreme ways of parenting, and the parents who let their kids decide what to eat, if they wanted to do any home schooling, when they wanted to go to bed- I found that hard to watch. Mostly because I was raised in a less extreme but still similar way, and it was neglect. My friends growing up thought it was so cool that my parents let me do whatever, but a complete lack of boundaries means you have to learn to enforce them on yourself as a child- and can often feel like your parents just don’t give a shit about you.

@SprayItOnMe

I'm not sure this is a trend as such, its just rudeness. People who allow their children to have no manners really irritates me.

As an adult, if i have a friend over and we are sitting in the kitchen for example, if one of my children come in I expect them to greet and make polite conversation with the visitor. Just a, "Oh hello Jane, how are you? Mum said you were popping over, I'm just getting some squash. Bye!", kind of thing. Not hard and is great manners and good for future interactions. I go to so many peoples houses where the child comes in, ignores me, goes straight to the mum and asks for something, then leaves and Ive been both interrupted and ignored. Often these are kids i buy presents for and look after sometimes too!

Yes this. We have some friends who have two 11 and 12 year olds and they're completely addicted to gaming. Yep I get it, fine. But sometimes you don't even see them. Christmas time we got them Xmas presents, they came down, were asked to say thanks, then left the presents, didn't even open them and went back upstairs. No thanks after the visit either. Just find it so rude.

So true @BertieBotts. It took me YEARS to work out that I'm not actually the kind of parent that much of the gentle parenting literature is aimed at. Most of it seems to be implicitly trying to convince otherwise 'conventional' parents to try something different. I think I've actually been quite (maybe too) child-led from the start and read it all as having to do better than I was

I agree with the “choices” thing - endlessly discussing with a child what they want/what they should do etc etc. frankly it seems as if some parents are cowards and can’t face standing up to little emperors ruling the roost. This is not a new thing. I remember many years ago being half appalled but half impressed by children who set the agenda . Rather dispiritingly my obnoxious cousins have grown up to be successful and confident, unlike polite, cowed me!

What you really mean is you hold boys to a different standard, girls should be kind and sweet, boys can be rough and obnoxious
Fucks me off

While we should hold all children to the same standard, there's no doubt that high-energy children (both boys and girls) who thrive on movement have a hard time in our present education system. A good child is a still, quiet child. But I agree with you about the double standards - girls who can't conform to the ideal are treated much more harshly than boys and aren't excused in the same way.

I remember many years ago being half appalled but half impressed by children who set the agenda . Rather dispiritingly my obnoxious cousins have grown up to be successful and confident, unlike polite, cowed me!

Interesting. I know it's not as binary as this, but as a parent would you prefer the well-behaved, quiet child or the successful, confident adult? There is some evidence that strong-willed children are more likely to be high earners later on in life.

Thinking that you know the right advice for another person's child, when you don't even know that child.

Putting girls in all pink and fluff and all pink toys. Why do I have to go to the boys section to find black or navy clothes for my DD? Not buying girls cars and trucks as a toy and not buying dolls for buys.
People asking you 'are they doing this yet, can they do this yet'.
When early years staff (or old people in the super market) ask your young toddler how old they are or if they know their name, to try and test their abilities, even though they might not want to share their age and name and have many other skills and talents.

People talking to or about their baby or small toddler like the child knows exactly what they're doing in a passive aggressive way 'yeah I bet you do want to go straight out that door don't you?', 'he's causing trouble' 'he's fussy' 'cry baby' etc, rolls eyes and looks around looking for agreement that their baby is in fact an evil troll.

Saying that it's fine to let your toddler gorge on sweets and junk food snacks all day because it helps mum to not go insane and 'that's all that matters'. No, you're not just entitled to be a parent just because you're an adult and want to have a child, you need to actually want to parent and help shape that child to their best and healthiest self.

I'm probably unreasonable but there seems to be a trend where children are allotted a certain amount of things each day e.g. "screen time" or "treats" and then these can be added to or subtracted from depending on behaviour or chores.

E.g. I know of a child who has 1 hour of screen time per day but can do laundry/dishwasher in exchange for 30 additional minutes, and another child who has 3 "treats" per day but loses them for misbehaviour.

It just winds me up, for no good reason really! I think my reaction is something to do with the vague idea that the kid should probably help out with the laundry anyway because it's teaching them about responsibilities, and that if "treats" are all but guaranteed each day then they cease to be treats. Also the phrase "screen time" just makes my teeth itch.

Proponents of “sharing”

Ie: your gentle child has to give the toy they’re playing with already to my little thug.

Baby wearing............ 🤐 Yes we had slings in my day (80s born) but we didn't wear our babies, we wore a sling to carry our babies in! Don't know why but it really irritates me😤

@Mossstitch

Baby wearing............ 🤐 Yes we had slings in my day (80s born) but we didn't wear our babies, we wore a sling to carry our babies in! Don't know why but it really irritates me😤

I totally agree with this. I've attended 'baby wearing' (aka sling library) groups in the past, but always cringed at the term!

I think there's also an additional insinuation that 'baby wearing' = 'attachment parenting' and I'm wary of labels (especially when there seems to be a cult following), I just parent in the way that feels natural to me and don't want or need to be labelled.
I should clarify that I don't think there's anything wrong with the principles of 'baby wearing' or 'attachment parenting' as such, in fact I believe there are huge benefits, however I've noticed there seems to be a group of people who follow all the principles like a religion and judge or frown upon those who deviate even a little... that's what I'm not keen on (and I especially don't want to be mistaken for one of those people)!

Expecting little boys to sit quiet, just like the girls, and judging them when they don' t, boys have tons more energy.

I have nephew and niece twins. I can’t imagine telling my niece allowing she has to sit quietly while allowing my nephew to run amok. That’s just ludicrous.

@Moonface123

Expecting little boys to sit quiet, just like the girls, and judging them when they don' t, boys have tons more energy.

No, they really don't. All children are different, but allowing some children to run riot because they have a penis and expecting others to be quiet and gentle because they don't sets up problems for both sexes. Children are just children.

The pressure to ensure that your child is never bored. It seems no longer acceptable to tell your children to go play by themselves. You have to play with them, get involved with their games, do craft activities with them, take them on wholesome countryside walks.

Boredom is good for kids. My two are their most creative when I tell them to leave me alone for an hour

I remember many years ago being half appalled but half impressed by children who set the agenda . Rather dispiritingly my obnoxious cousins have grown up to be successful and confident, unlike polite, cowed me!

Do we have the same cousins? 😂 one of them is a proper cunt though, despite being hugely successful, so I'd say I won that one.

@CatDogMonkeyPOW

The pressure to ensure that your child is never bored. It seems no longer acceptable to tell your children to go play by themselves. You have to play with them, get involved with their games, do craft activities with them, take them on wholesome countryside walks.

Boredom is good for kids. My two are their most creative when I tell them to leave me alone for an hour

Yes this! And the need to fill every hour of their waking time. So if it's not extra curricular activities then it's play dates.

I've just seen another thread where the OP is feeling overwhelmed with all the extra curricular activists here 3 kids do. 3 do 3 a week and one does 2. Cue lots of posters saying 'that's not that much' 😂 exactly what I said above

I can't stand those awfully staged newborn photo shoots that then get plastered all over social media for likes.

@CatDogMonkeyPOW

The pressure to ensure that your child is never bored. It seems no longer acceptable to tell your children to go play by themselves. You have to play with them, get involved with their games, do craft activities with them, take them on wholesome countryside walks.

Boredom is good for kids. My two are their most creative when I tell them to leave me alone for an hour

Yes this. Also the constant overscheduling of kids lives. After school activities every day and weekends always busy means the kids hardly ever have time to be bored. Learning to entertain themselves by sitting and reading a book or something similar is also an important skill IMO.

Honestly, I hate the whole “Cult” that is attached to parenting. It’s like no other generation ever had kids before… Everyone’s pregnancy is utterly unique and more special than anyone else’s… Their birth and post-partum “Experience” overrides everyone else’s. (See the snoring dads, fighting partners, extended families with phones at the ready and toddlers opening curtains on labouring women in maternity wards…)… Don’t get me started on competitive Insta-mums, the must-have baby products dejour, the absolute lack of education or conversation about how common birth traumas and injuries like vaginal tears, anal fistulae or urinary or anal incontinence and how little help is available as a result….

You know what I hate - beige. Kids clothes that are beige, kids toys that are beige. Playrooms that are beige. Children don’t like beige, adults do. Your insta-perfect home & clothes are boring to them. Give them some colour & vibrancy! Kids love bright colours, they are naturally drawn to colourful things. There was a thread on here recently about setting up a soft play & the amount of responses saying ‘neutral colours’ .. NO! My kids do not want a neutral coloured softplay! They want a colourful land of fun!

I also hate this no sugar thing. I’m a very healthy eater & a huge advocate of home cooking & exercise/movement. It’s a big part of my life. But again, this Insta perfect thing of no sugar drives me up the wall. You are only a kid once. So long as you cook for your kids, they are active & playful, they eat their fruit & veggies & you educate them about food.. chocolate & cake won’t hurt them!! There’s a parent at school who immediately takes all cake, chocolate, sweets out of party bags and sends a list of everything her darling child cannot eat to each parent organising a party. Her kid sits there eating a hummus sandwich with veg sticks & an apple for pudding while the other kids are enjoying a ham sandwich, crisps & cake! I promise you she’ll majorly rebel when old enough & have no control cos she’s not learnt healthy habits. To her sugar = bad and she’ll go through life with a very complicated relationship with it. When there is no need, sugar is not bad if you eat it in sensible moderation!