Parenting trends you dislike?

[Avreil]

I would say ones that pass their experiences from childhood onto their children.

Probably gentle parenting. I was a member of a parenting Facebook group (not specifically one for gentle parenting) and every time someone asked for some support as they were struggling with lack of sleep a hundred posts with 'It is totally normal for a child to be waking all through the night. I always give Jemima cuddles every hour. They are only young once. Self settling is a myth. You can do this mama Etc etc' would come up and the poor original poster would still be none the wiser as to how to improve their situation. If you mentioned any form of sleep training you would be shot down 😂

"Gentle hands"
Mostly when used by little Hugo's mum who doesn't care that he's just thumped every other child at playgroup and now no one wants to play with him. Pick him up and take him out.

I dislike performance parenting, where everything is said in a loud 'look at me I'm parenting my child in this way' voice.

I dislike that there is a tick box of must dos for a child and the implication that you're not doing your job right if something isn't ticked - what sport/hobby/drama/art etc class do they do. And when kids have something on every night of the week - when do they get time just to chill.

Have always hated the lack of personal pronouns as in 'Give that to Mummy/Daddy' rather than 'Give that to me'.

Lack of basic manners - please and thank you go a long way

I’m a gentle parent.
However when someone claims their toddler is perfectly behaved because they had a very calm conversation about why we don’t draw on the walls etc drives me bonkers.
When parents think saying no or discipline is abusive.
When parents think their kids are lively/spirited when they’re actually brats.

There’s a balance and I think recently it’s so unbalanced that kids are growing up into entitled spoiled brats unfortunately

This depends on each family’s situation but the whole over-sharing of children’s photos and details about their kids on social media. The kids can choose to tell everyone about their own lives when they’re older. It’s massively intrusive for kids and feels unhealthy for the parents in a lot of ways.

Both supposed proponents and critics of gentle/responsive parenting not getting that it 100% means boundaries, saying no to your child and allowing them to cry. Proper gentle parenting isn’t at all permissive.

@RoseWindow

This depends on each family’s situation but the whole over-sharing of children’s photos and details about their kids on social media. The kids can choose to tell everyone about their own lives when they’re older. It’s massively intrusive for kids and feels unhealthy for the parents in a lot of ways.

Yes to this. I'm staggered by how much private information people willingly put out on social media.

Parents who never take their children out and instead stick them in front of the TV or an iPad.

Parents obsessed with their children staying clean. We live near a beautiful beach and in the summer there are so many parents shrieking that their child has got either wet or sandy!

Parents who don't teach their child basic manners.

Still, I'd be hated by most on here because I'm a bit free range and I guess that can be seen as a bit wanky.

The one that set seed in the 60s, sprouted in the 70s, bloomed in the 80s (lucky me) and at this point is as removable as Mile A Minute ivy planted 50 years ago

The concept of a high tension home life meaning bad outcomes for children in the home getting mangled via media & pop culture. With a hefty dose sub conscious self interest grabbing the appreciated veneer of piety in the form of “As a parent I absolutely must prioritise my happiness for my child/children’s sakes”.

I genuinely believe my father believed, or allowed himself to believe he believed, that if the other woman made him happy, and therefore his marriage must be unhappy, he had to go “for the children’s sakes”. Which let him go without having to let go of his self image as an officer and a gentleman.

People being excessively precious about things like sugar and screen time.

Yes, healthy eating is important. Yes, children shouldn’t spend 12 hours a day watching tv. But a bit of moderation is good for children in my opinion.

The reason is bothers me is because often (not always) people who take this approach judge others for not doing so.

I completely agree @NebbiaZanzare - the idea of 'happy mum means happy baby' essentially meaning the mum does what she wants (claiming it's for her mental health) with no regard for the baby, and the baby is supposed to be glad of it. A neighbour left her two-week-old with her mum to go on a friend's hen do to Spain for five days saying exactly this.

@MissyB1

so what if they cry, they need to learn boundaries Yes this absolutely! Why are so many parents afraid of hearing their child cry? It’s like they think it’s a crime!

I tend to (internally) raise an eyebrow because the very act of giving in, in order to stop the crying, actually reinforces the message to the child that crying will get them what they want in future and leads to... wait for it... more crying in the long term!

When Susie has just knocked 5 bells out Sam and is told to use ''gentle hands''

Does a 2 year old have any concept of GENTLE? no.

So use that word....NO, its far more effective and no one is going to take away your parent of the year award if you do .

The way FB parenting groups become a competition about who can do the method the best and become full of virtue signalling hounding judgyfuck bullshitters.

Like you'll get a weaning group where it starts off as baby led weaning encouragement and ends in sad faces any time there is a mention of a spoon as though it was an instrument of torture. Or a car seat group and people take delight in pointing out everything wrong with every picture ever posted even if it's fine. Or a safe sleep group laying into somebody because they left the room once for five minutes before the baby is six months old. It's exhausting because you start to internalise the mindset of the groups and overthink every tiny decision. That's not healthy or constructive IMO. Also I bet the worst offenders polishing their own halos do all of the "wrong" things themselves because nobody is really that uptight.

Another thing that sort of annoys me is the way that certain words become "banned" or people know they will be judged for using them so they pick up an alternative except they use the alternative exactly the same as the old word, even if the meaning is not the same.

For example people know they are not supposed to use the word punishment so they use consequences instead in a really nonsensical way, and then recently even consequences isn't good enough, you are only allowed to give your child natural consequences. I read someone's description of not letting their child out because they hadn't finished their homework the other day and they called that a natural consequence. It's not even the same thing, the whole definition of a natural consequence is something that happens whether the adult is there or not.

Or they read that they aren't supposed to use the word naughty so instead just start referring to "silly" or "not very nice" behaviour. Just use naughty! The whole criticism of using naughty in the first place involves not using any alternative because it's the whole concept of naughty/good that is the problem, but this gets missed and turned into a sound bite of "don't say naughty or good boy/girl" without any of the useful info behind it.

This thing that you must never tell off or criticise in anyway another parent’s child. I hear this so often. Which means that a brqt/bully at a play centre / pool etc is allowed to continue by the other adults and grows up feeling entitled and that adult women have no right to police his behaviour.

Parents/teachers feeling they have to unquestioningly ‘support’ their daughter to transition to the male gender, instead of exploring with her the underlying reasons she doesn’t want to be female ie that periods suck, growing breasts is uncomfortable and embarrassing, male harassment is a horrible, and that being physically smaller and weaker than guys is very annoying, but surgery and drugs will not solve these problems.

It's not a trend but it gives me the shits when I'm around certain parents that never follow though with threatened punishment “stop that or we're leaving" x 100. Their children are the ones that never listen when anyone speaks because their parents have a constant stream of talking at them but no real action or consequences if they don't listen. DH does it sometimes and I tell him I'd rather he ignore the behaviour altogether rather than some ineffectual dithering at them.

stop that or we're leaving

Me and ds was on a coach going somewhere for the day. The dad in front said to his daughter ‘if you carry on we’re going home!’
You’re literally stuck on a coach for hours how the hell are you going to stop the coach, find another mode of transport and go home?!

@MissyB1

so what if they cry, they need to learn boundaries Yes this absolutely! Why are so many parents afraid of hearing their child cry? It’s like they think it’s a crime!

But we get judged because people see a crying child= bad behaviour/lack of discipline. If the parent ignores the child= neglectful parent or if the parent forces the child then it's the parent traumatising the child. Btw, I say coat on and then make dc wear it if I'm ignored. I don't have enough time in my day to be giving choices or chasing dc negotiating to see if she would like to wear a coat in the snow.

Baby led weaning, I just don’t get it. Babies for decades started weaning with a little baby rice and puréed meals from about 12-16 weeks and now it’s giving them a floret of broccoli to suck on at 6 months.

Like others have said, not following through. Say yes if you can but if you say no, mean it.

Screen time. I know I sound geriatric but we did manage before smartphones and iPads. There’s no way I’m handing my phone that cost me £xxx to a toddler in a buggy or supermarket trolley to potentially get accidentally or intentionally broken. Put some toys in your bag.

Blaming any change in a baby's behaviour on "regressions".

'Montessori' parents or anything similar.

Nothing against these actual styles, but as a nanny, for the majority of parents who say they use this style it's just code for 'we give our children no boundaries and don't expect anything of them'. Cue nightmare children.

I give parents who say these use this method a wide berth.

Baby led weaning to the extreme. It's about balance. People giving a 6 month old a carrot stick and think there's no choking risk. Puree is not the enemy.

I just looked round a nursery that said they ‘gently encourage’ the children to clear their toys away when finished, and ‘kindly ask’ them not to hit/snatch. I said and what do you do if they say no or go ahead and hit anyway? The last said ‘well, they will have made their choice, we can only guide them and explain to them that not tidying and snatching hurts feelings’

It was a no from me

Expecting little boys to sit quiet, just like the girls, and judging them when they don' t, boys have tons more energy.