Thinking about quitting work…help!

[LongSummers]

Hi all

I have a good professional career, currently working part time (3 days) - however since DC2 I have been struggling to juggle everything. I also have other work aside from my main job - I’ve cut these commitments right back so I can focus on my employed job and cut the stress but it’s really not enough. I’m currently WFH but that’s set to change. After school my DM looks after the children at my home but constantly needs my help with them so I’m torn between work and helping out - meaning I have to pick things up in the evening. It’s not easy to find an after school nanny in my area and the DC are so tired after school / childcare (ages 2 and 5) that I don’t want to extend the time in their existing childcare.
On top of this I’m finding I’m really short on holiday for the school holidays - so taking unpaid leave at various times. DC1 goes to holiday clubs etc but I enjoy spending time with them and at least want to spend half terms and 1 week at Xmas and Easter with them and 2 weeks in the summer.
Ideally I need a job which is 3 days finishing at 2.30 and term time only - not sure I will ever find such a miraculous job as it doesn’t fit with my profession at all, so the only thing I can think of is to leave my job BUT we really can’t afford it without moving out, giving up on private schooling, downsizing our lifestyle.
Also thinking kids are young and I don’t want to spend my whole life so stressed out.
Help and advice appreciated x

If you have enough money to pay for private schooling, which only a tiny minority of parents can afford, you definitely have enough money to make other lifestyle changes to enable you to leave your job. It's all about prioritising what's most important in life.

For some women, working part time is the ideal but if you're finding it's not working, it makes sense to quit, or your husband reduce his hours (though I assume he's the main breadwinner so any reduction of his hours will have a much larger effect on household income). As the saying goes, no one lies on their deathbed wishing they spent more days in the office rather than with their family.

I'm thinking of doing the same. It sounds like you are better off than me, and I can afford it. I wouldn't stop work altogether, I would shift to a job with more flexible hours and less stress.

The thing that struck me from your post is that your childcare arrangement really doesn't sound ideal. Have you tried advertising for a part time nanny? Or could you put them in wrap around/nursery at least some evenings? It's so stressful if you are trying to work but also getting pulled into childcare. It might be worth trying a different child care arrangement before you quit?

OP are you a single parent?

@MixMatch thank you I totally agree with your deathbed comment. The problem financially is that although my husband is currently the main breadwinner, he is only so because he is full time. My 5 day salary is the same as his so it will be a significant % of the household income that we are losing - basically 40% ish if my maths is right - this thought scares me!

@HotPenguin I agree I think it would be worth trying to sort an alternative childcare arrangement before quitting altogether. I think this might need to be a step by step elimination of options!

I’m really pleased to hear that I’m not the only one thinking of this…!

@Useranon1 lol no I am not - but my DH works v long hours in the office - he does school drop off for DC1 at 7.30am but that’s it. I get them both ready in the morning, drop DC2, do the after school nightmare and bedtime, he’s often not home until 8/9pm. Lucky him!!

Don't give up unless you really dislike your job. If you can keep your hand in when the DCs are young,then it gets easier and keeps your pension contributions going.
Alternative childcare seems like the way to go - nanny if you can find one.

@rookiemere I definitely like my job - I just feel very torn that I have no time for the children in holidays or myself. School work and homework seems to be getting more demanding not easier too. I definitely think I need to try and look into alternative childcare as next step…

Look at the tax implications, if he dropped down to four or three days a week you might not lose as much as you would if you stopped working. He could do childcare two days a week, you do two days and your mum one day.

@rookiemere

Don't give up unless you really dislike your job. If you can keep your hand in when the DCs are young,then it gets easier and keeps your pension contributions going. Alternative childcare seems like the way to go - nanny if you can find one.

Yes, I think this.

Or, if you have the sort of job where you know you could take a few years out while your dcs are small and then wall right back into the same sort of role, then I'd take the career break.

I am starting a new job in a school, so term time only and school hours. It does not pay well at all, but it's worth it for us and we have no intention of paying for private school. We simply could not afford that. Our mortgage isn't too bad either as we have a small house. I could work more in a different job and make more money, but I really want to work in a school and would one day really like to be a teacher. I love / hate my current industry (hospitality), but the job I do pays well. It isn't worth it though, for us.

Walk*

I’m going to assume you both have fairly well paid professional jobs.

I agree you really need to sort the childcare. It is true that after school nannies are hard to find at the moment, they do exist but are like hens teeth.

My suggestion is that you take your 2 yr old out of their existing childcare, and instead pay for a full time nanny (for the 3 days you work). This will cost more, but it sounds like you can afford it, and if it enables you to keep your career going it will more than repay the cost. Once your youngest is in school you can rethink and maybe after school nannies will be easier to find by then.

Alternatively, you could ask your work to let you do 3 days over 5. That way you could finish at 2.30 and do the childcare yourself. However this is more tiring for you obviously, as there is no time off. Your DH will need to pick up more of the domestic stuff that you might currently do on your 4th/5th days.

I stopped work when my DC were about the same age and whilst it was a relief at first, after a while I regretted it.

I don’t know what career you are in but in mine, 3 day jobs are like gold dust, and it wouldn’t be easy to find one returning from a career break. Please do consider that before you give it up.

Have so many friends/colleagues who gave up work
Do what you want that suits your family and you
But it's so easy to give up work and so hard to get back to work on the same level
Try and make it as easy as you can,the really hard early days do pass and I am so glad I kept working
It was always important to me to be on the same career path as my DH,was brought up to not be dependent on a man

If you're paying for nursery anyway, the obvious thing to do would be to get a nanny to look after the youngest all day and the older one as wraparound.

I think your mum might be better with only one child at once.
I’d do after school club for your 5 year old one night a week, extended childcare for the 2 year old one night and then just accept fir the other night she’ll need your help.

Is your partner around to help? It seems it's all on you.
Pension, pension, pension quitting work at this age will massively effect your future. I reduced hours for ease and now looking at my shitty pension pot regret it.

If you working full time means you earn the same as your husband, and he’s doing crazy hours, surely it makes more sense for him to give up work and for you to go up to 5 days working fairly standard hours?

That way, he’s at home for the children during the day, and then you’re finished work and can have family time in the evening?

@VodselForDinner

If you working full time means you earn the same as your husband, and he’s doing crazy hours, surely it makes more sense for him to give up work and for you to go up to 5 days working fairly standard hours?

That way, he’s at home for the children during the day, and then you’re finished work and can have family time in the evening?

Yes, so true actually! If you make the same in five normal days as he does doing crazy hours, this is the obvious solution

But it's so easy to give up work and so hard to get back to work on the same level

Absolutely

Explore every possible alternative avenue before leaving a job that you enjoy. Could you spread your hours over 4 days to give you more time after school? Or over 5 days and do all the pick ups? Ask to work one day a week at home? Request a career break with a fixed date of return? Ask for unpaid leave over some or all of the school holidays? It is worth having some conversations with your employer before just walking away. If they value you they may agree flexible arrangements.
Civil Service is one option for school hours term time only working.

Even if you make nothing for the next few years because of childcare costs, it's worth it for the pension ( sorry I am older and now know how important this is). It's good that your DH does all the drop offs could I suggest that he does at least one day pick up, so you get an uninterrupted blast of working.
Conversely it may be worth upping to 4 days and basically getting a more or less full time nanny.

Why don’t you just do 5 short days, then no after school care/stress

I have thought about doing 5 short days then I could be around for the kids after school - but worried my work will slip over into those evenings (I have a job where there are not really “set” 9-5 hours where I can just switch off - if you are busy then it just needs to get done, on my 2 days off sometimes I have to briefly log on etc) - but it could definitely be worth a try as I’m sure my work would be fine with it.
@emsyj37 some really helpful suggestions and I definitely think my employer would be up for trying to make it work. Civil service is something to think about for sure - would be a big pay cut but might help in other lifestyle ways. Could be worth investigating…

@underneaththeash I think you’re absolutely right about 1 child - DM was absolutely fine before when it was only DS1. It’s just that logistically she will not be able to cope with the pickups if I leave them in childcare later (I wouldn’t be back from the office until after they need to be picked up) so not sure it would work for her on that front

@minipie it’s really interesting that you regretted giving up work, I have this fear too as I do really enjoy it and I am most definitely no domestic goddess. I went out of my mind on maternity leave. I wouldn’t not work at all - I have my own business on the side which brings in a meagre wage and would keep my brain active but definitely not something which really helps the family finances

Just the thought of having more time to myself (rather than less than zero now), being able to do supermarket shopping, cooking dinner, having time for exercise etc - just sounds amazing!! Or am I being naive??

@LongSummers curious to know how your husband is feeling? Does he enjoy being out of the house for crazy hours? Does he get time for himself / to exercise/ spend with kids etc? Shouldn't it be a team decision and not solely yours?

@chopc he hates not being able to spend time with me and the kids but his work dictate that he’s in for 5 days (and actually he prefers to be in the office rather than WFH as says he gets more done and isn’t so distracted). I’ve asked him about finding another job but he doesn’t want to and is scared of needing to take a salary cut to move (I wouldn’t mind if he did and just want him to have a good work life balance). He’s very ambitious at work and would never want to be a stay at home dad etc. He also comes out in a cold sweat with the pressure of the finances when I mention giving up work. All this means that the childcare and any dramas with kids being ill and not being able to go to school etc fall to me as I think he sees my job as “part time”

How many weeks if does he take in the school holidays to do the childcare while you work?