Thinking about quitting work…help!

[LongSummers]

Hi all

I have a good professional career, currently working part time (3 days) - however since DC2 I have been struggling to juggle everything. I also have other work aside from my main job - I’ve cut these commitments right back so I can focus on my employed job and cut the stress but it’s really not enough. I’m currently WFH but that’s set to change. After school my DM looks after the children at my home but constantly needs my help with them so I’m torn between work and helping out - meaning I have to pick things up in the evening. It’s not easy to find an after school nanny in my area and the DC are so tired after school / childcare (ages 2 and 5) that I don’t want to extend the time in their existing childcare.
On top of this I’m finding I’m really short on holiday for the school holidays - so taking unpaid leave at various times. DC1 goes to holiday clubs etc but I enjoy spending time with them and at least want to spend half terms and 1 week at Xmas and Easter with them and 2 weeks in the summer.
Ideally I need a job which is 3 days finishing at 2.30 and term time only - not sure I will ever find such a miraculous job as it doesn’t fit with my profession at all, so the only thing I can think of is to leave my job BUT we really can’t afford it without moving out, giving up on private schooling, downsizing our lifestyle.
Also thinking kids are young and I don’t want to spend my whole life so stressed out.
Help and advice appreciated x

Get a full time nanny who can do housekeeping, meal prep etc when not looking after kids to make up the hours. If that doesn't work then you can quit.

How much does your employer value you? What conversations have you had with them? I suggest you approach them and see what options there are. Be creative! Does your industry have quieter times of the year? When are the peaks and troughs in the week?
I essentially work annualised hours working more hours in term time than in the holidays and also have 4 extra weeks leave a year which basically covers the last week of July and the first three weeks of August which were always our quieter times so it is less of an issue for the business for me to be off. This leaves my usual annual leave for half terms, Christmas & Easter.

I gave up my career to be a sahm. I don't regret a single second of being with the kids. I don't regret the fact we couldn't always keep up with our peers financially - don't have the flash cars or expensive holidays.

I do now find my career options are limited. I have kept my hand in by doing intermittent contracting. But if I'd done 2 days a week maybe that would have been an option - but my work situation didn't really lend itself to that. Also my DH works the long hours and needs the support to allow him to do this.

I would give up the private schools to spend more time at home. But you have to decide what the priorities are for your family.

@LongSummers well your DH likes the nice fat salary you bring home so he can't have it both ways, you're either a contributing member of the family or wee mammy with the part time job so he doesn't need to
get involved in taking time off when a DC is sick etc. etc.

I wish I'd put my foot down earlier with DH. I too took on the entire burden of childcare logistics when DS was young because I "only" worked part time. It became so stressful that I ended up dropping a level to do it. It was only when DD was about 10 and I got a promotion back to my previous level with more hours that I started to question it.
I had DS lined up to go to one pals house after school one day but that fell through due to other activities. I was crying the night before I was due to start and suddenly I realised that it wasn't just my problem, I told DH I would give back the promotion if he didn't do his share ( he'd already decided how to spend the extra money).DH agreed to wfh one day a week and things became a lot fairer.

Your DH may not like WFH or taking time off for sick DCs, but the workplace is a lot more used to men doing it these days, plus they get brownie points for being a good dad.

If your DH likes having your salary then he needs to do his share of childcare logistics.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

How many weeks if does he take in the school holidays to do the childcare while you work?

A very good point! Does he book a week off to be with the children and cover holiday childcare, or is it all down to you?

Also, if you have enough money to be thinking about private school, surely you have enough to pay for childcare during the school holidays and don’t need to use unpaid leave?

An the old 'wish I were able to spend more time with my family but my job is just too demanding' line.

His career goes from strength to strength and yours ends up in the toilet.

Did you agree that would be the way things would be or hast just happened?

I really think you should just get a nanny for 3 days a week. Having childcare properly sorted would take a huge load of stress off you and you'd still have plenty of time with DC. I have two DC, work four days and study to boot and I have a nanny. I get more time to myself than you seem to. Although your DH is also clearly a huge problem; he won't even look for another job with better w/l balance because he's scared it won't pay as much? That is some major bullshit.

Becoming a SAHM with a DH working long hours is not how you get "time to yourself". It's how you end up at the bottom of the pile, never getting time to yourself.

What is your career? Will you be able to step back up in a few years if you leave?

Are we talking a six figure salary? How low are you willing to go?

All questions you need to answer to decide what next.

If finance/ legal have you thought about school business manager. They can go for around £60k up north in a big school/ academy trust.

In the interim can your mum look after the children after school / nursery at her house and then she won't be there to disrupt you?

Or just go back to the office if possible and then you won't be there at all.

You can’t juggle everything. You sound stretched thin. If you’re well paid you need to use more of that to solve for things - and if you have a busy role that isn’t fixed hours then yes some stuff will never happen - the “dream” of “perfect” motherhood, school holidays, meal planning, kids never in clubs etc it doesn’t exist in the main for people who are working long hours.

Sounds like your working days aren’t that productive due to disruption - it’s absolutely fine to pay for a nanny / more support / clubs etc.

Taking the unpaid childcare leave across school holidays has been great (I usually take 2 weeks and unless I tell people no-one spots I take more time off work)

You’re in the worst of it now. My DC are now 8 and 5 and it’s much easier.

You may actually find 4 days a week at work is easier - less impact on career, more space to think and if you find a gym at work do the exercise before / after / in the day.

If your DH was a woman would he still be doing those hours…? He can’t continue as if he has a SAHM - my DH has has to pick up a lot (I work FT now but was PT) when I need it work late / travel / etc.

To me the obvious solution is a nanny who would do full days with your youngest and sort the eldest out too. Your DM can't cope and you need more support.

You seem to be shouldering all this stress and worry in isolation. Your DH needs to step up here, he can't come waltzing in every evening at 8.30 after all the tough shit it done. You've made adjustments and he needs to as well. If he wants you to work, and you want to work, you need yo work together to make it happen.

Perhaps 2 bedtimes a week minimum where he's home. Absolutely 50:50 split on sick days and taking leave. You aren't there to enable his work life by dealing with everything else, together you need to split all non work tasks fairly.

[quote LongSummers]@chopc he hates not being able to spend time with me and the kids but his work dictate that he’s in for 5 days (and actually he prefers to be in the office rather than WFH as says he gets more done and isn’t so distracted). I’ve asked him about finding another job but he doesn’t want to and is scared of needing to take a salary cut to move (I wouldn’t mind if he did and just want him to have a good work life balance). He’s very ambitious at work and would never want to be a stay at home dad etc. He also comes out in a cold sweat with the pressure of the finances when I mention giving up work. All this means that the childcare and any dramas with kids being ill and not being able to go to school etc fall to me as I think he sees my job as “part time”[/quote]
Honestly, in these circumstances, I'd go full time. There is no way I'd be part time just so that dh would think ALL household stuff fell to me. Also, he clearly doesn't want you to give up work.

I actually think part time can be worse than full time, as your work load doesn't always adjust in line with your salary.

I know I'm saying this as someone who is going to drop down hours to just do school hours, but that is because, like Baldrick, we have a cunning plan for my career, which means I need to work in a school. Otherwise, I think I'd be full time

Everyone juggling work v childcare gets overwhelmed sometimes. If you're WFH with others in the house you feel this especially ime. I work until 6 so have 2 dc aged 14 and 11 here from 3.30 (youngest is in childcare). Too big to need 'supervising' but FUCK. ME. The last couple of hours of the day are so stressful.

Knock knock knock. Sorry mum, are you on the phone? I just need to ask [insert 11 year old absolute emergency that couldn't wait an hour].
Knock knock knock. Sorry mum, I know you're working still but [insert 14 year olds urgent query about where his trainers are/what's for dinner etc].

It's so frustrating, so distracting. Even DH does it if he's here but I can hardly be cross seeing as his interruptions are usually to ask what I want for dinner on his days off 😂

I think your answer is to get your mum and kids out of the house because you'll always be distracted.

I would keep the 3 days but look for childcare for the dc until your finish time...if they're tired, let them be tired 🤷🏻‍♀️ because needs must. Then you can get your head down and work properly for all your hours. Then book all your annual leave in school hols and take a couple of extra unpaid weeks ad hoc if you want.

And yeah I bet he prefers to be in the office. I've said this many times before on here but the number of men I've worked with who tell their wives they 'have' to work late but are really just avoiding bedtime with young children is staggering.

Can you start your own small business? become a consultant? being employed will always mean someone else is in control of your time...

Personally I would give up the private schooling for a start. There are some lovely state schools out there. Your eldest is young enough to move schools at this stage. That would surely free up a chunk of cash? You need to make a change if you're unhappy.
If you aren't happy you need to make changes.

I think it’s your DH who should be exploring other options. His hours are causing all the stress but all the stress is falling on you.
You are the one making everything happen. It’s not good for your mental health and not good for your DC.
Why don’t you both look at what your options are work wise. Then also look at who is doing what in terms of housework and life management and divide that more evenly. Lots of people use their commute to pay bills, order shopping etc.

the fact that you are taking unpaid leave to cover holidays and he is not is just not on. That needs to be even too.

You and your DC are not the support team to your DH.

Sorry I said the same thing twice there lol.

@Rainbowqueeen

I think it’s your DH who should be exploring other options. His hours are causing all the stress but all the stress is falling on you. You are the one making everything happen. It’s not good for your mental health and not good for your DC. Why don’t you both look at what your options are work wise. Then also look at who is doing what in terms of housework and life management and divide that more evenly. Lots of people use their commute to pay bills, order shopping etc. the fact that you are taking unpaid leave to cover holidays and he is not is just not on. That needs to be even too. You and your DC are not the support team to your DH.

I strongly disagree with this, plenty of families have two kids and both work full time and long hours, neither has to give up or reduce their employment. What you both need to do is find proper child care.

However the issue is you want to spend more time with them and you don’t have proper childcare, so decide what’s your main issue here. Is it you don’t want to work past three short days a week, or is it the childcare and you do wish to work.

But if you both wish to work then get the child care sorted.

Might childcare with DM be easier if you are out of the house and back in the office. She won't be able to keep bothering you and will have to just get on with it. And you'll be undisturbed at work.

Also, I echo what others have said- why does your career have to suffer but not DHs?

Ultimately though you need to prioritise and do what is best for your family.

@Clymene

An the old 'wish I were able to spend more time with my family but my job is just too demanding' line.

His career goes from strength to strength and yours ends up in the toilet.

Did you agree that would be the way things would be or hast just happened?

Indeed.

It's very telling that your op does sound like you are a single parent. You are carrying all this alone.

From your further descriptions you do appear to be operating as a single parent because he has abdicated his responsibilities.

Why do you have such low expectations? Are these not his children? Is he not their parent? Why does he get to act like a single man with a housekeeper while you have to act like a single parent on track for burnout?

Shame he can't find it in himself to respect you as his equal. If he did, his behaviour would be different.

You and your DC are not the support team to your DH

I could not agree with this more.

Remember your DC are still very young and the burden changes as they get older. Eventually they will get themselves to and from school, and their needs will shift.
I work FT and have taken steps to make domestic things as easy as possible - we eat a lot of easy throw in the oven meals (and make time to cook properly at weekends), I do the washing when I'm WAH, we have low standards of cleanliness. Talk about flexible options with your employer, get a nanny, get a cleaner, but keep your job.

Get a nanny.

I could almost have written your post. It’s so hard isn’t it! I work 4 days but am contemplating dropping down to 3 and using holidays/unpaid leave/holiday clubs to cover school holidays. Work has moved to a hybrid WFH and office but I can’t get to the office until nearly 11 once I’ve done drop off and whilst the solution is to drop the children early at the childminders, they get so tired and spend so much time there already after school that I don’t want to do that. I just keep thinking that if I can keep going for a few years, the children (6 & 2) will be that bit older and I’ll have more time for work and for me. My company are flexible and they’re trying to retain talent (incl working mothers) so as much as it’s a hard sell, I’m hoping they can bear with me for a year or two doing mega-flexible working until things change again.