Thinking about quitting work…help!

[LongSummers]

Hi all

I have a good professional career, currently working part time (3 days) - however since DC2 I have been struggling to juggle everything. I also have other work aside from my main job - I’ve cut these commitments right back so I can focus on my employed job and cut the stress but it’s really not enough. I’m currently WFH but that’s set to change. After school my DM looks after the children at my home but constantly needs my help with them so I’m torn between work and helping out - meaning I have to pick things up in the evening. It’s not easy to find an after school nanny in my area and the DC are so tired after school / childcare (ages 2 and 5) that I don’t want to extend the time in their existing childcare.
On top of this I’m finding I’m really short on holiday for the school holidays - so taking unpaid leave at various times. DC1 goes to holiday clubs etc but I enjoy spending time with them and at least want to spend half terms and 1 week at Xmas and Easter with them and 2 weeks in the summer.
Ideally I need a job which is 3 days finishing at 2.30 and term time only - not sure I will ever find such a miraculous job as it doesn’t fit with my profession at all, so the only thing I can think of is to leave my job BUT we really can’t afford it without moving out, giving up on private schooling, downsizing our lifestyle.
Also thinking kids are young and I don’t want to spend my whole life so stressed out.
Help and advice appreciated x

I think youd be silly to give up a job because its hectic and tiring.

1. get your childcare working for you. Nursery with extended hours 7.30-6.30. Breakfast club and after school club. Husband does both kids drop off. You can work some extended hours one day and finish at 3 another. Or nanny.
2. cleaner
3. deliveries: milk, eggs, bread, meat veg boxes. You dont need to do anything and will always have at least some food
4. one load of washing every day
5. lower your standards, they dont have to finish dinner to have pudding. Leave the floor or whatever it is stressing you.
6. the whole point of private is that you dont have to do all the shitty extras - you are literally paying not to have to spend an hour doing 'my superhero' or whatever.
7. do not try to keep up with the jones'. Do you really give a shit that someone else looks glam and has a clean car while you look like a scummy mummy? (Learn the school gates art of 'ohhhh so sweeeet' i could not give a fuck that your son 'just adores' tesla or porsche or whatever the fuck youre on about i have better things to do.)
8. schedule...everything. in time and priority order. Read the 7 habits. Or play it on you tube in the car.
9. get the kids an amazon fire tablet to get some peace.

And find some mum friends you like. That will let you know you are doing ok. X

@Grimupnoorth good point about private school. It's pretty much a given that both DPs will be working to afford fees unless there is family money, so homework shouldn't be onerous. Particularly for a 5 year old- ask the school if it's all needed, we found that homework was given because parents with time on their hands asked for it. A school day is long enough for a DC of that age.

As your dc are in a private school you should have decent wraparound options available? After school clubs/teatime club. At teatime club my dc get their homework done and have a snack. When they come home I give them a simple supper. If they do an after school sport/activity and it finishes earlier they can then go on to teatime club from there? Most of their friends use these options as a plus of the private school. Could you look into this as an instead of your dm collecting at normal time?

I wouldn’t quit your job as you will have to adjust your lifestyle quite a bit and if you enjoy working and can find alternate childcare that sounds a better option long term.

You'd be mad to give up your job - read all the threads on here ad infinitum of women who are stuffed when their marriages break down/their kids are teens.

It is hard, but I can see from your posts that your H needs to do more. They're his children too. And you can probably outsource more and drop your standards.

Agree with PP - you may as well be a single parent for all the contribution that your DH is making.

5) lower your standards, they dont have to finish dinner to have pudding. Leave the floor or whatever it is stressing you.

Alternatively don't do pudding. A piece of fruit is fine.

[quote LongSummers]@chopc he hates not being able to spend time with me and the kids but his work dictate that he’s in for 5 days (and actually he prefers to be in the office rather than WFH as says he gets more done and isn’t so distracted). I’ve asked him about finding another job but he doesn’t want to and is scared of needing to take a salary cut to move (I wouldn’t mind if he did and just want him to have a good work life balance). He’s very ambitious at work and would never want to be a stay at home dad etc. He also comes out in a cold sweat with the pressure of the finances when I mention giving up work. All this means that the childcare and any dramas with kids being ill and not being able to go to school etc fall to me as I think he sees my job as “part time”[/quote]
Why does he see your job as less important it you earn the same, pro rata? Do you not see that there is a huge risk in taking a step back for someone who sees you as lesser and is willing to accept work conditions that are far worse than is now typical.

As a pp said, makes more sense for him to quit than you, your children will end up with more combined hours with their parents. If he's so ambitious, he should take advantage of the current candidate's job market to find a better role.

@Grimupnoorth the whole point of private is that you dont have to do all the shitty extras - you are literally paying not to have to spend an hour doing 'my superhero' or whatever.

That's not true around here. My kids are at state school and have so much less homework than their private school cousins.

Hi all thank you for the advice…
Mini breakthrough today…I ESCAPED THE HOUSE, put on a nice dress and went to the office - dropped both kids off in morning, didn’t get there until 10.30 but got SO MUCH DONE and left office early at 5 to pick up the eldest from after school club which finished after 6 and came home. DM only had the youngest to look after and so coped really well. The eldest seemed to really enjoy his time (we have tried successive late nights after school before and he gets tired - but we will see). I did have to get them both into bed when i got home, very quick dinner and then log back on and had to work until 11 but it was ok. I’m going to repeat it again next week.

DH has said he should be able to leave work early on a day agreed with his boss 1 day a week to do a pick up when I’m in office. Not sure I will be able to extract much more than that!!

@CalamityJaney glad I’m not the only one in this boat!

To the PP who suggested school business manager - I like the sound of that (salary would be quite a drop) but I will investigate

@LongSummers glad you made it into the office and your day went well.
I thought though that your DH did all the drop offs - why did you have to do drop off and pick up ? Was he working until 11 as childcare working too?
Good that he can do pick up once a week.Make sure he commits rather than tries. His problem to sort if he has meetings etc. after all he can come home and work until 11 as well as you can - no ?

We hear so many stories on here of women that gave up work and suffer from a tiny pension and low income down the track. Meanwhile, DH keeps his job, climbs the ladder and his pension pot gets fat. Why can't he make some sacrifices?

I'd look into a nanny to be honest. Or find a way to keep your hand in. It's risky being dependent on your DH and will be hard to get back into a well paid job later.

I was you. A professional Struggling to make it all work with two young children and husband who works late.
In all honestly, it’s not feasible and I ended up getting quite tired and unwell. We hired a nanny but even that wasn’t ideal - the kids are young and still need a parent around.
I left work and that was 3 years ago and don’t regret it. I have time to do all the things you list , plan meals, be there for my kids, help them with homework, home when they are poorly, long summer holidays etc
Yes it’s hard giving up work - but I don’t regret it. Like you I have a few outside interests/ business but I would not be able to go back to my previous career now, even though it’s only been three years. Think long and hard and speak with his husband to see what he thinks.
Can you ask you’re employer for a career break, to give you time to think things over?

@Sunnysideup999 how did you decide it would be you who gives up work? What was your husband's responsibility towards his kids?

chopc my reflections are that it often seems to depend on some weigh up of salary and the norms of parenting roles that you as a couple have in your mind

My DH has 2 fab sisters who work with DC, and his DM also worked

When I had my first mat leave me and DH were earning roughly the same - it would have made a huge impact for me to stop completely. He needed to pull his weight, and because of his family he also expected to

And now years down the road I am on track to earn 2x what he does. It doesn’t make sense for me to go PT. if anything he is pondering “what next” - whether PT or start up or something else.

If you earn the same why can't your husband drop some hours?

@Sunnysideup999 that’s really heartening to know that someone has done what I’m thinking of and doesn’t regret it. I totally agree with you that they are young and need a parent around, this is how I feel - which is why I went 3 days originally but now that’s not enough time off! I think I could be out for 3 years but maximum of 5 and have some sort of job in my field if I searched hard enough and got lucky (not exactly the same but probably ok). I’m on a certain path at the moment and in line for promotion etc so all that would go but at this point I’m not sure how worried I am about that. I would of course maximise my own business within school hours but the income from that is negligible vs my main salary but at least something and being my own boss I can dictate when I work.
I’m just sick of not even having time to do an online food shop in advance / meal plan - all my supermarket shopping is done via Deliveroo when we’ve run out of something. We don’t eat healthily as there’s no time to cook as we are constantly running around like headless chickens, I’ve put on weight and I just want a better balance!

Sorry, but surely you can manage a supermarket shop on one of your two days off a week when your older DC are in school? Or your husband can knock out an online shop during his workday? DH does our online shop weekly on a Sunday night in ten mins while watching TV. What on earth are you doing in your two nonworking days a week that leave you so behind?

@pitterpatterrain agree that it does depend on the roles you have in mind - DH’s mum also worked so I think he envisages a working wife. However my DM was a teacher who worked VERY part time (think a few hours a week) and my DF was very much the main breadwinner. My DM was always there for pickups and being ill and school holidays and homework and I sort of think this is what I envisage but I have a much more intense career than she had and so I’m trying to do everything!!

@ZoeTheThornyDevil unfortunately it’s not as simple as that, there is so much going on that we don’t even have the headspace to be organised with domestic life. I have my own side business and some other work interests that I need to deal with on those days as well as look after the youngest - I have cut down and not taking on any new work at the moment which is a shame but it’s helped to a degree however it doesn’t help with the main part of the week - there is little time to cook on my 3 main working days - I have to get kids into bed and then get straight back to work for my main job. I should try and fit it in - the current situation is that nobody eats very well and it’s just not good. I just don’t have the mental headspace to be on top of everything.

LongSummers I hear you - my DM only worked during school hours and her total hours were tiny and so that wrestle is hard between what I feel I should be doing and what I am

But I am comfortable with my decisions and very confident that my DC are having as best a life as I can figure out for them - and finding your version of that is the key thing. Someone will always be happy to be negative but just ignore them. And don’t accept being stretched so thin you aren’t happy

Hi OP so it just sounds like you're doing far too much.

Cut anything out of your NWDs that you don't absolutely have to do. If you don't do this you might as well be working and get the salary to outsource some of the mundane stuff.

Online shop on your NWD again- and sorry to harp on about this - why is the sole burden of this sitting with you ? Where's your DH in all of this, doesn't he need to eat and ensure his DCs are fed as well ?

@LongSummers Just re-read and realised how young your kids are. They don't need to be going to private school at that age! They'd much rather be spending more quality time with you . Private school yes when they're older i.e late primary to get into good secondary schools, and then private school for secondary school can be a big advantage for their life chances, especially if they're no grammar schools in your area.

Personally I'd focus on spending the early years with them that you'll never get back then go back to work when they're older (and also easier to juggle) so you and your husband can afford private school for them later on.

The way things are set up in your family it is almost inevitable that you will get burned out and give up work.

This happened to me and whilst I felt ok about it at the time (probably because I was so tired), with hindsight I became quite resentful that DH put me in that position by assuming I would pick up all the child related stuff and refusing to do anything that might compromise his career, like get home in time for the DC. And he earned considerably more than me, so at least financially it made sense for him to prioritise his career, which isn’t the case for you and DH.

I really think your DH could and should do more. Thousands of men up and down the country manage to share pick ups and drop offs, do an online shop, put some laundry through. He can too. The longer you accept that you do it all, the harder it will be to ever get him to change.

If 60k would be a significant drop and your husband is on equivalent then surely you should have a nanny to look after childcare/domestics on the 3 days you're working? Then maybe your mum could have younger DC for half a day on one of your days off to free you up.

And online food shopping - once you've got your 'base' basket you can just update it each week - I'm struggling to believe you don't have 30 mins a week between you and DH to do this.

For school holidays, don't forget you're both (you and DH) entitled to 18 weeks (unpaid) per child up to their 18th birthday. Could you use a week or 2 of that in the summer hols?

If you want to give up work that's a totally valid choice but I think there are easier solutions if you do want to continue working. Jobs with such high salaries that allow part time working surely can't be that easy to find?

I'm quite disappointed in your husband here, he definitely sounds like he's pushing the load on to you and all this about being stressed thinking about it is rubbish, you're stressed too so why is it just your problem? At a minimum he should be doing every drop off for both children so you can do pick up.

I see this so often at work, the men act like their time is SO important whilst the mothers rush around stressed because they're having to make up for the men's inadequacies. I bet if you did his role you'd be able to make it flexible enough to work with his job.