Thinking about quitting work…help!

[LongSummers]

Hi all

I have a good professional career, currently working part time (3 days) - however since DC2 I have been struggling to juggle everything. I also have other work aside from my main job - I’ve cut these commitments right back so I can focus on my employed job and cut the stress but it’s really not enough. I’m currently WFH but that’s set to change. After school my DM looks after the children at my home but constantly needs my help with them so I’m torn between work and helping out - meaning I have to pick things up in the evening. It’s not easy to find an after school nanny in my area and the DC are so tired after school / childcare (ages 2 and 5) that I don’t want to extend the time in their existing childcare.
On top of this I’m finding I’m really short on holiday for the school holidays - so taking unpaid leave at various times. DC1 goes to holiday clubs etc but I enjoy spending time with them and at least want to spend half terms and 1 week at Xmas and Easter with them and 2 weeks in the summer.
Ideally I need a job which is 3 days finishing at 2.30 and term time only - not sure I will ever find such a miraculous job as it doesn’t fit with my profession at all, so the only thing I can think of is to leave my job BUT we really can’t afford it without moving out, giving up on private schooling, downsizing our lifestyle.
Also thinking kids are young and I don’t want to spend my whole life so stressed out.
Help and advice appreciated x

Agree @Isonthecase - it's infuriating isn't it. My DH is great - does all drop offs and 50% of sick days etc but it winds me up when he says he 'has' to work over bedtime (WFH, legal sector so not operating on anyone or anything, please just come down and help put your children to bed) sorry but if I also 'had' to work at that time then what would we just leave the kids to sort themselves out? No - men choose to agree to late meetings, more work, work travel, tight deadlines which means they are first in line for promotion only because they know the children's mother's will pick up the slack.

It sounds like you’ve given up 40% of your job to take on 95% of the child/house stuff.

Personally I’d go back full time and make DH take on half of the other stuff. Has he applied for flexible working so he can do more with the kids? Surely he can WFH some of the time to avoid the commute? He’s really got you where he wants you. Earning less than him so his job is more important and you doing everything with the kids (the early school drop offs aside). You chose to have children together.

What's the purpose of the business and the "other" work stuff? Does it contribute a lot to your finances? In which case - you could consider just putting all your energy into the business; or else, why are you doing it?

It's your life; if you really want to quit work go ahead. But, like suicide, giving up your job for these reasons would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Yes, you can go back to work but you'll never get back the momentum, the progression, and probably the salary, and the problem of you doing everything at home would only get more entrenched.

I'm a stranger, but from reading this thread it seems strongly to me like you have three issues: your H is hugely dodging responsibility and needs to take on way more, you've spread yourself unnecessarily thin with "extra" commitments, and you're holding onto a lot of outdated gender roles baggage that's causing you to hold yourself to ridiculous standards. I think more needs to change in your head and in your marriage than in your job, tbh.

I agree, your husband has completely opted out of seeing this as his responsibility and you've fully bought into his lie that he can't do any childcare because he needs to be at work all day (very convenient) and the opinion he has underlying this lie is, (apart from the fact that he just doesn't want to do childcare because he sees it as your responsibility and it's just too boring), is his view that his job is more important than yours.

And you've bought into this, and are sitting here at the end of your tether, trying to make it all work, exhausted, and considering quitting your career, while he just swans off to work.

@ZoeTheThornyDevil

What's the purpose of the business and the "other" work stuff? Does it contribute a lot to your finances? In which case - you could consider just putting all your energy into the business; or else, why are you doing it?

It's your life; if you really want to quit work go ahead. But, like suicide, giving up your job for these reasons would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Yes, you can go back to work but you'll never get back the momentum, the progression, and probably the salary, and the problem of you doing everything at home would only get more entrenched.

I'm a stranger, but from reading this thread it seems strongly to me like you have three issues: your H is hugely dodging responsibility and needs to take on way more, you've spread yourself unnecessarily thin with "extra" commitments, and you're holding onto a lot of outdated gender roles baggage that's causing you to hold yourself to ridiculous standards. I think more needs to change in your head and in your marriage than in your job, tbh.

Very much agree with this, especially the last paragraph and the comment about gender roles.

I’d also add that as you say your MIL worked so DH is used to/ expects a working wife, how do you think you giving up work would affect the dynamics of your relationship? Would he resent the fact that you’re not working, despite agreeing to the change and benefitting from it (no childcare/ household responsibilities)?

christ, this is a mug's game.

Get a full time nanny for your work days and have your mum do a half day on your day off (as someone above suggested - that is genius and you can have a nice lunch or coffee with your mum at the start or end of her time so she actually gets to feel some love - you can also keep her for any nanny sickness or holiday - a real luxury!), give up the extra work and side hustle crap until no 2 is well settled at school, book a recurring Ocado Reserved delivery weekly and get your husband on board to do 1 drop off and one pick up a week. Then once you have a bit of breathing space, get your husband loaded up with house admin.

I think theres been some excellent ideas and advice on here. Def some i need to take myself too! Thank you! I guess only you can decide but maybe put into practice whats been suggested and see if it makes a difference first?
Sometimes we all feel we are doing a crap job remember mumsnet isnt real life. And 'more time' doesnt always mean 'more productive time'

@FreeButtonBee

christ, this is a mug's game.

Get a full time nanny for your work days and have your mum do a half day on your day off (as someone above suggested - that is genius and you can have a nice lunch or coffee with your mum at the start or end of her time so she actually gets to feel some love - you can also keep her for any nanny sickness or holiday - a real luxury!), give up the extra work and side hustle crap until no 2 is well settled at school, book a recurring Ocado Reserved delivery weekly and get your husband on board to do 1 drop off and one pick up a week. Then once you have a bit of breathing space, get your husband loaded up with house admin.

Good post and good advice 👍

Sounds to me as though it is not your main job that is causing you to feel stretched but your side hustle(s). Might those be easier to put on hold for a while than your main job?? Pick them up again in a year or two. Giving up a well paid part time job that you enjoy rather than a side job/business that doesn't significantly contribute to your household finances seems a bit back to front to me.

It's so heartening seeing such sensible advice from the women here, and I hope you feel less alone knowing so many of us have faced similar. It's difficult but it is INFINITELY easier with a supportive partner splitting the load than one who works all hours to dodge parenting.

It depends on what your job is. I am in the legal field and did ‘quit’ when my second was born for a year - I was lucky to have saved beforehand. Honestly, it has taken the past three years, since my son was school age, to rebuild to where I was, in salary, role, responsibility etc. if you can get some support and maybe a nanny, or put in a flexible work request, if you ever plan to go bank to the career, my advice is stick it out. I know I might be wrong - it’s just my opinion.

The other thing to say is it's easier to hand out advice when you're no longer in the eye of the storm.

I had a health issue when DS was young and partly because of that and partly because I was juggling so many balls , I nearly resigned many times. Thankfully I didn't and instead asked to go down a grade and drop my hours which just about kept my head above water.

It's only now I look back on it that I wonder why DH didn't do more, but I think to be fair to him he felt the burden of being main provider and flexible working wasn't as prevalent and as acceptable as it is now.

When he did step up - much later - he developed a much closer bond with DS, so your DH is missing out on this by not being involved.

Lots of wisdom here. Can't believe that he considers himself to be bending by discussing one early afternoon a week, while you started out with the same salary as him, but are now dropping hours, considering school manager jobs or quitting completely - and all while he worries about money.

He doesn't sound like a good enough foundation to quit work on.
I've had many friends like this, like @Sunnysideup999 it was a huge relief for the first year or 2 or 3, then they wanted or needed to go back to work, but it was hard to find, and their DHs had got even more used to having someone else do all the pickups and school fetes and homework supervision, so their options were limited and growth non existent. Even worse if their 'D'Hs then went off with someone else, leaving them with kids full or near full time.

If he wants you to keep earning, then he has to find more flexibility, in his current job or by finding a new one.

When looking at finances when making this decision, also factor in pension contributions and your future. It's often missed and you need to protect your future self as well.