I can't do this

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

I just can't do this anymore.

Day 7 of isolation. DS is 3 and he and I are positive. DD is 15 months.

I'm broken. Parenting has broken me and I'm fairly sure I'm doing it all wrong.

• we have a routine, always have had. But it takes so much work. Trying to get DS to get upstairs to get dressed is a battle everyday. Getting dressed can mean running away, going totally floppy, just being obstructive. I must say 'trousers on please' 15 times. I tried taking their clothes downstairs but DS had a total meltdown.

They cannot play with anything. If he wants to do a puzzle she wants to destroy it. If he wants a toy of hers he will badger her til she leaves it. He wants to draw, she breaks the felt tips. It's relentless. If we play something for 5 minutes- that's not an exaggeration- it's a win.

Every dinner time is cajoling him to eat, stopping him from being generally stupid. A good 80% of the time he knocks over a drink.

He's constantly trying to hurt her or pick stuff up he's not allowed or throw stuff out of the window. He won't just "be'.

She hates getting dressed, having her coat put on, having her nappy changed. Everything is a battle.

I'm so fundamentally broken. I clean scrambled egg off the floor every day of my life.

I'm broken.

You’re in a really, really tough phase but you’re not “doing it wrong”. I know that and I can’t even see you.

My mantra with my own with this age gap was “just go out”. That was it, my entire parenting philosophy for under 5s. Staying in for a day was a recipe for disaster.

And you’re being forced to stay in! House arrest.

So I’m not surprised you feel broken.

What does DS like to do? Does he still nap or not?

He does still nap. Which is lovely I know. But - that means a nap routine, getting him onto a nappy etc. Then he hates waking up so I either get him up screaming or I have to sit in his room for at least 20 mins while he comes to...

Ah! I was wondering if he got any 1-2-1 time with you whilst his sister napped, whether that might help any jealousy issues etc. But it’s tricky if he still needs that sleep.

In terms of ‘playing’ what’s his thing - you say he’s always on the go, is he a bug hunts and digging and activity sort or train tracks and imaginary stuff? He sounds quite high-needs/fixed on routine or transitions being tricky?

He has time while she has her morning nap and he goes to bed later than her. Usually we just snuggle with TV.

Yes he likes to be busy. Helping dad chop wood is one of his favourite things

You're in isolation... why aren't you all walking around in your underwear?

Have you tried making a 'game' of getting dressed? Such as, " Let's see if you can get trousers on before I count to ten," with some kind of reward if he does it (chocolate button, or sticker?) If he's flagging just count more slowly so that he does actually get the reward.

Maybe you need to toughen up with him. He's 3, not a baby. I wouldn't be cajoling him to eat dinner, he would be told no dinner means you get nothing else to eat. Asking him repeatedly to put trousers on? Just pick him up and put them on him.. you're the adult. Hounding/hurting his baby sister for toys isn't OK either. What do you do when he's doing these things? Is there any consequences?

If you’ve got a chopping wood sort of garden then get outside as much as possible - dig stuff, build a bug house out of sticks, wheelbarrow etc. It’s not ideal weather in January/Feb obviously but I’d rather be a bit cold with a flask of coffee than inside feeling desperate at drawing/reading etc.

Lower your standards too. TV is fine! Kids are relentless but no one is doing parenting perfectly I promise.

So this morning 9-12.
Baby napped , ds and I watched Peter Rabbit. Nice
10-11. We all played trains. Constant battle to get DD to leave DS's alone.
We then had a 5 min Teddy bears picnic
11 - outside. DD screamed and headbutted my chin whilst getting her coat on. I took the outside crayons out. DS used them for about 90 secs on the patio. DD ate the chalk.

Then we had about 10 minutes of ok. DD was in the baby swing, DS was digging in the bark, we were blowing bubbles. Then DD wanted out. She then wasn't happy doing anything for longer than 30 secs. DS in baby swing (he won't go in the bigger one).

Lunchtime. Ds wouldn't help put the toys in the bag. He then threw them around. So no naptime story as a consequence. DD then fell over.

So once again I come back with 2 screaming children.

Now DS is having another screaming fit and has hit DH because DH gave him a little fork when he wanted a big one.

Honestly pick your battles! If they don't want to get dressed who cares if you aren't leaving the house?

You need to be tougher on the 3yo, tantrums are normal, but you don't say how you deal with them. The fork thing, pretty standard for a toddler to have a meltdown over something we deem minor, hitting is also normal, its about how you deal with it

What did your dh fo when he hit him?

Honestly, mine had to go to nursery at this point and it saved my sanity. If this life is breaking you, could you go back to work?

I work 3 days a week usually but we tested positive so in we are.

@Thatsplentyjack put him on the step.

DD has spent the whole of lunch complaining and then threw her whole plate on the floor.

Lower your standards. If they run around in nappies so be it. If they don’t eat dinner ok, they’ll eat a big breakfast. If they won’t put a coat on you go out and they get cold and then ask for the coat. I totally lost the will with my 2.8yo (have a 3mo) and found letting him feel the consequences (a little bit nothing dangerous) meant I was more chilled and he did what I wanted eventually anyway. Once I had more pep and energy I was able to be imaginative and playful in many situations and can now convince him to do what I want more often than not. But you’re in isolation so you don’t have that energy so you just let it play out and reduce your stress!

We used to do that but we then found that DS would suddenly want to go out and hated having to get ready so it was much easier to just take getting dressed was a given

Honestly, that sounds pretty standard morning for your ages. You’re not doing anything wrong, they have short attention spans and are prone to fickle and annoying behaviour.

It’s just the age/stage.

It’s not enjoyable all day but there are nice stretches, yes? Trains, digging, bubbles.

No one in charge of small people isn’t looking forward to the evening, it doesn’t make you a bad person!

Sympathy, OP. We've had phases like that, it's so relentless and I feel everything that you're saying. It's not you. As someone said, lower your standards, and do whatever you need to do to get through it.

Sounds exhausting OP. I am dreading the day we get a positive test and have to isolate and that’s with only one toddler, not 2. As others have said, you aren’t failing. A lot of it is just the really difficult, drudgery of parenting. Just survive each day and remember you won’t have a 3 year old and a 1 year old forever (thank god).

OP I'm isolating with my 5 and 3 year old. I'm keeping them busy but also there's been a lot of TV time and way too many snacks. Go easy on yourself. We aren't supposed to parent this way

You can do it. Nearly at the finish line! I used to find setting up an activity in the evening for my son to come down to in the morning helped start the morning on the right foot. Would he play in his room independently? Maybe you could set up something cool saying it's not an activity his sister can do so it's in his room to stop her getting to it. I do this with mine some times when keeping them separate is easier! Either way, you haven't got long left to go and then you can get back into routine and the feeling of despair will hopefully go.

It is not you doing things wrong - it is just the stage that they are both at - those two ages are incompatible for a while. It is very hard to find things they can do together which do not result in little one sabotaging what older one is doing. I so remember this stage - I once locked them in the (very safe) garden for half an hour as I did not think I could stand another moment of it! It does get better. Do not beat yourself up and blame yourself.

Two of my DDs are having to isolate with their children because of covid and I promise you they both feel as if they are going round the bend. So you are in good company.

The partial solution is getting them out - as long as you do not have contact with anyone there is no reason why you should not be outside with them. I am very much hoping that you have a garden!!

Hang on in there ..... we have all been there - or are about to be there!

Oh OP no advice but total solidarity. 3.5 yo DS and 13 month old DD here, final day of isolation. It's been hard. You are doing your best, your kids are safe. Just do what you need to make it through to bedtime. Snacks and twirlywoos works well here. DS has a section of the lounge barricaded off for his trains so DD cant get to it (yet). It works ok. I'm desperate to get back to the routine of preschool and to be able to leave the house.

I'm another one with choose your battles.

Accept your kids won't do what you want them to. No amount of reasoning etc will work. I still got my kids dressed when they were 3. I wouldn't expect them to do it themselves at that age.

Get cups with lids on them. Make them sandwiches for lunch and stuff that doesn't make too much mess when it gets launched.

Is there nothing they enjoy doing together? I had a two year age gap and by the time my youngest was 18 months, I could put things like toot toots, trains and duplo out for them both. I'd sit with them in the front room, build something for them and then let them destroy it play

Fed and not dead should be the mantra in times such as these
You are not alone!