I can't do this

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

I just can't do this anymore.

Day 7 of isolation. DS is 3 and he and I are positive. DD is 15 months.

I'm broken. Parenting has broken me and I'm fairly sure I'm doing it all wrong.

• we have a routine, always have had. But it takes so much work. Trying to get DS to get upstairs to get dressed is a battle everyday. Getting dressed can mean running away, going totally floppy, just being obstructive. I must say 'trousers on please' 15 times. I tried taking their clothes downstairs but DS had a total meltdown.

They cannot play with anything. If he wants to do a puzzle she wants to destroy it. If he wants a toy of hers he will badger her til she leaves it. He wants to draw, she breaks the felt tips. It's relentless. If we play something for 5 minutes- that's not an exaggeration- it's a win.

Every dinner time is cajoling him to eat, stopping him from being generally stupid. A good 80% of the time he knocks over a drink.

He's constantly trying to hurt her or pick stuff up he's not allowed or throw stuff out of the window. He won't just "be'.

She hates getting dressed, having her coat put on, having her nappy changed. Everything is a battle.

I'm so fundamentally broken. I clean scrambled egg off the floor every day of my life.

I'm broken.

Not easy at all, OP. I had a 3yo and 9mo when covid kicked off and we had a lot of days like this.

Some points:

• Don't beat yourself up, this is stupidly hard, you just have to get through
• Routine is good but it's just the shape of the day, have a little flexibility
• If things like dressing take a while, so what? You have time to kill
• When DS does something annoying or refuses something, think what the consequence is and whether it's worth making it a big deal, so won't put coat on - ok, we'll take it outside with us, tell me when you get cold
• Kids are resilient, eating a bit of chalk/mud/falling over/bashing each other a bit will not kill them, it's an inevitable part of childhood
• Plan yourself something that is pleasant and just for you each day - something to eat or watch, a bath, a book etc and hold onto that thought through the day to look forward to
• When you have a minute, pinterest some ideas for entertaining the kids. In lockdown we played with a cardboard box cutting doors and peeping out, painting it, sticking things in it to make handles, etc. Or playing with bowls of water in the garden, or freeze toys in tubs and they have to bash them out etc. Or stick cushions and blankets on the floor and play beds or camping or space rockets
• Is there an easy win toy or book you can have stashed in the cupboard? DD used to love Usborne sticker books, I kept a few in reserve in case I began to lose it
• If you're not feeling too poorly then an exercise video in the evening is really good for releasing tension and stress, 20 minute hiit video will have you feeling better
• If you can get the kids to exercise a bit then that helps too, even if it's lying on the floor waggling your legs in the air, or pretending to be aeroplanes etc
• Have you shown them Cosmic Kids? Yoga videos on youtube, my kids used to be transfixed and follow a fair few of the postures
• Easier said than done, but try to make things fun and into a game where possible. So getting dressed is boring. You see it as a task to be ticked off. They don't see it the same way. Ask DS to come up with an outfit that makes him look like xyz (superhero, dinosaur etc) or read a book and only turn the page when they put on something else, or sing a song, or pretend to put clothes on yourself etc
• Through lockdown I realised that it was horrendous but I couldn't just wish the time away, I had to be present otherwise it made it more boring for the kids and therefore worse for everyone. These are precious days in the lives of your kids, it's grindingly dull sometimes but it's actually easier if you can be present, see things through their eyes and find solutions instead of just resisting it
• You will be levelling up your parenting skills no end, after this you will not feel as stressed doing basic things like swimming or supermarket!
• as for egg on the floor, cups spilling etc - identify these as problems needing solutions. Sometimes food being thrown is a sign the kids have got bored and finished eating. The minute they start throwing food, take it away. If they tip over water deliberately, find they get a cup with a lid or only a tiny bit of water in an open cup that you top up. Throwing stuff out the window - lock the windows or say great, your favourite toy goes out of the window next time you throw something. Find a consequence that will not stress you out and apply it consistently.
• Hurting his sister - consistent consequence like sitting on the stairs or not having a treat like favourite TV programme.

It's not you, it's them 😬.

Suggestions. Can you change your routine? Read getting the little blighters to eat and getting the little blighters to behave. They're short books but they help.

Try seperate activities. Set DS up with playdough and DD up with Happyland, in seperate places. If they both want to play with playdough then set them up separately. With respect, do they know how to play independently? If not then that could contribute to why they're reacting to each other like that. Does DS have a scooter? Can you make a mud kitchen of sorts? When mine were 3 and 1 found these things worked best as they were high energy burning involvement.

In lockdown it also helped to break the routine down even more, so up - breakfast - get dressed and do teeth - bit of telly - active activity - snack - quiet activity - lunch - nap - telly - active activity - snack - quiet activity etc.

You are not broken. You are the parent of two small children in very trying circumstances. You will get through it but you need to accept the chaos a bit. My two got better from when my youngest was about 18 months, so change is just around the corner for you.

The fighting and the mess and chaos are just a fact of life, like rainy weather.

I'd also imagine that at 3, your eldest could be left to play with something in a room on his own for a while to reduce the hassle. Depending on what your three year old is like!

Good luck, it's terrible but you will get through.

So basically - I mean this kindly: you are feeling sorry for yourself. You deserve to feel sorry for yourself because it's a shit situation. On the other hand, feeling sorry for yourself does not help. You can cry all you want but the heavens will not open and send an angel down to sort your kids out for you.

Children pick up on what you're feeling and can be upset when their parents are upset. It's a whole ecosystem within a family and if you get stressed and angry, it can make them behave worse. Inconvenient but true. It becomes a negative spiral. You have to somehow pick yourself up and be positive because otherwise the kids are getting a message that mum is sad because she has to spend time with me.

Stop saying you're broken and essentially complaining and feeling resentful. If you can find your way to being a bit more upbeat, it will probably be easier. That's not the same as saying this is all your fault, but this is a shit situation and you are being passive in the face of it. Make the best of it. It won't last forever.

I am indeed feeling sorry for myself but I'm not passive, I'm trying new stuff constantly.

They won't play alone really. DS did earlier with his trains for a bit actually.

DS wanted me to draw something on the patio buts it's very cold and wet. I suggested getting the big roll of paper out. DD spent the entire time trying to get my pen off me. Nothing would distract her. She then threw a toy at my head.

I just can't seem to do anything and I'm trying so so hard

Oh god I've been there. I almost had flashbacks reading your post. I had 15 months between my two. I really thought we'd be stuck in that phase forever more. But we weren't. It slowly improved. Hang in there. It's painful for a year or two.

and to make life better I have a virtual parents eve tonight so I am at work from 5.30 to 8 and I'll do it hearing ds scream for me

I'm just going to carry on the diary of mu day. Dinner was fine they both ate. Then I started parents eve. I had a gap in appts so came down to bf DD (DH had them, they weren't alone).

DS had a total meltdown about being bathed with DD (he normally goes later but didn't nap today so we decided to do them together). He then kicked DH. Then DD started crying and DH has just taken her to bed sobbing.

I've absolutely had enough. I just want to walk out and not come back

I didn't mean to sound unsympathetic OP, I get that you're in a hard situation and at the end of your tether. I think I was projecting too much about how I felt during lockdown with two little ones.

How many days of isolation do you have left? Could we think of ways to fill them? How do you feel about childcare usually? Would it feel nice to plan something for your first day back in normality?

You're not failing. You're getting through. It will be easier in time. Much easier when you're not isolating and much easier when they're more compatible.

Arghhhh mine were this age when covid started and we had to work from home with them for 87 days, each of which I marked on the calendar with a cross, after I had struggled them into bed, rung my isolated mum on headphones whilst clearing the carnage in the house, and then talked DH down from his health anxiety spiral. And all the time FUcKING BORIS WAS hAvING DRInKs PARTIES. No advice but it gives me flashbacks. I think I may be permanently broken actually.

On the plus side they are easier now almost 2 years later

@GrendelsGrandma you didn't at all - I'm hugely grateful for your advice which I haven't been able to read properly yet (still doing parents evening). You are right that saying its shit won't make it better. I'm sorry lockdown was so rough for you.

Savage little fuckers aren't they

My friends just told me she's booked a weekend away abroad with her DH.

I've had one night away from DS since he was born and that was to have DD

Good stuff OP! Didn't want to add to the stress :)

Some stuff we did around that time -
Kitchen band - get saucepans out and bash them with wooden spoons etc
Look at things in the kitchen, eg pastry brush, Tupperware, what rattles, can you put an elastic band on something to make a twang sound
We kept a junk box of cereal boxes, wrapping paper etc and would get that out sometimes
We got a little disco light and would turn lights off and dance to music
Mid afternoon bath
Play dough (proper stuff or homemade)
Fairy potion in garden - add food colouring or leaves etc to water
Lie on paving slabs, draw round our bodies or hands and feet, draw in face etc
Walk on dry paving with wet feet or boots and pretend it was a ghost
Assault course in garden - walk on a bit of wood, go through a hula hoop etc
'help' with dinner by washing carrots or potatoes in a bowl, even if we weren't going to eat them that day
Get plastic animals mucky in something like flour and water paste, then wash and dry them, then do it again
Play with shaving foam (maybe not for your youngest)

It was exhausting and I sometimes came upstairs for a minute to scream into the duvet and beat my fists on the bed so I do understand that it's too, too much.

I just want you to know that you're not doing a bad job, it's shit and inhumane and awful. But the time passes faster if you think of things to do and try to engage rather than being angry.

I hope your parents evening went well.

That was emoticon, no idea why it came out as

Flowers not

My kids are 44 and 41 and I still remember the mind-numbing boringness of day-after-day waiting for bedtime when they were little. A lot of people aren't cut out for enjoying all the wonderful suggestions upthread and would have one eye on the clock at the same time. You're doing a brilliant job and hopefully isolation will be over soon and life will return to normal. Hang in there 💐

I have a 3 year old who struggles with getting dressed. I feel your pain. I have found taking her to the window helps - “let’s watch the sunrise and you tell me what colours you can see while I get you dressed / can you see any birds outside today? / look it’s a very cold icy day so you look at the snowy roof while I put your warm clothes on” etc - sometimes works / sometimes doesn’t! Also giving her some control eg “I’m going to go and sit in the other room - you come and find me when you’re ready to get dressed” and she generally will come and potter in to find me after she’s thought about it a while. Also giving a choice - this dress or this dress?
Or an incentive - talk about what comes next. “We’re going to have pancakes for breakfast. First let’s get dressed and then we’ll have pancakes” repeat repeat repeat.
Or “we’re going to the park this morning so let’s put our warm pants on” etc. Or just full on distractions - talk about anything other than getting dressed - sing a song, tell them a silly story etc.

@DueyCheatemAndHow

My friends just told me she's booked a weekend away abroad with her DH.

I've had one night away from DS since he was born and that was to have DD

I've had the same, only for nearly eight years as my DS has disabilities. Count your blessings, OP.

No advice sorry OP, just solidarity. I've just finished day 10, my 2.5yo DD is on day 6 and DH day 2. The end was in sight and him testing positive pulled the rug out from under me. Nursery won't take her back without 2 negative LFTs or whole house is negative. I WFH on my new business and she is fucking relentless. She flits between things within minutes, can't/won't entertain herself, doesn't nap (hasn't for months now) but is exhausted whilst still being unwell.
I have shouted so much today and her god awful whiney cry just enraged me because her language skills are excellent.

Chant with me "this too shall pass" ✊

@cathyj87 our kids sound very similar indeed

@theqentity I'm really sorry to hear that. But it's not a competition. Just because others have it harder doesn't mean I can't find my situation tough. Otherwise no one could post anything without an automatic response of 'be grateful you are breathing'. Which whilst true isn't terribly helpful.

@GrendelsGrandma I've screenshotted your list, thanks! Tomorrow I'm going to try and separate them a bit more, let's see how that goes. I feel like we have 10,000 toys and none at the same time

Argh I also feel your pain with the toys! Have you heard of toybox rotation? Basically use boxes so some toys are kept out of reach then brought out as others go away. It makes it slightly easier to keep tidy!

Hope the list helps.

Fucking nightmare. It's not you; it's them. And it will pass.

At that age i found it helped if i explained clearly to mine if there was a deviation in routine, so bathing them together, if he normally enjoys his bath on his own maybe he wasnt prepared for things not happening as he expected and that's why he acted out. You could implement a sticker chart. I started one after i found i was just nagging mine and shouting all the time and wasn't giving enough positive attention for when things were going well. I have twins so i could play them off against each other by giving the one who was being good loads and loads of praise (even basic stuff she knows full well how to do like putting her shoes on) and sometimes that's enough to bring the other one back in line because she wants a bit of the praise too. You really don't have to actively do something with them every minute of the day. Get a box of toys out, tip them on the floor and then sit On the floor with them while they play. It's a nice bit of chill time for you, take the pressure off yourself. You can Engage with them with "yes" "oh really" etc but don't be tempted to join in with the game. See what they do and let them entertain themselves for a bit. Loads and loads of praise for playing nicely.

Dd is too small to understand not stealing your pen. Id have just let her have it and got myself another one.

@TheGoldenWolfFleece a sticker chart is a good idea thanks. I'd told him about the bath in advance, I know better than to spring things on him like that

I did give DD my pen. Problem is she then just threw it at me and wanted the next one I picked up. She just climbs on me and is teething so was just bloody whingey all day. Its so exhausting even without DS to contend with!

My sympathies to you, the age of 15 months to about 3 is the reason I'm never having any more children! On the plus side, ever day your son is getting that bit more capable and rational. Right now it's more about survival!